56 lines
2.7 KiB
Plaintext
56 lines
2.7 KiB
Plaintext
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Ask Dr. Stupid
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AM I A NEANDERTHAL?
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Good question! As you know, Neanderthal man may have interbred with modern
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man. His descendants are with us even today, passing for full-blooded Homo
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sapiens. If you suspect a "touch of the old hand ax" in your ancestry, score
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yourself on this test:
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1. Do your eyebrows meet in the middle? If so, give yourself five points.
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2. Can you lock your knees in an upright position? If not, take five points.
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3. Got a chin? If the answer is no, add three points.
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4. How about a forehead? If not, add another three points.
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5. Is it easy for you to balance a book on your head? Then give yourself
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five points.
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6. Do you ever open Coke bottles with your teeth? If you do, add ten points.
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7. Are you frequently more comfortable squatting on your heels than sitting
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in a chair? Take five points.
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8. Is your head attached vertically to your neck? If not, add one point for
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every five degrees of slope.
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9. Less than five feet tall? Add one point for every inch under.
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10. If your lower arm is shorter than your upper arm, add one point for every
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inch of difference.
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11. Ditto for your lower and upper legs.
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12. Pigeon-toed? Five points.
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13. Have you ever felt like bashing a postal clerk with a club? You're normal
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- no points.
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14. Is the space between your big toe and your other toes big enough to hold an
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apple? Add five points.
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15. Do you regularly eat apples in this way? Add fifteen points.
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16. Do people think you're wearing your hair in a bun when you're not? Give
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yourself ten points.
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17. Can you count your vertebrae while wearing two sweaters and an overcoat?
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Take five more points.
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18. Is your nickname "Duke," "Butch," or "Animal"? Three points.
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SCORING
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0-20 points: You are a virtually pure Homo sapiens. Feel free to build
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bridges, compose symphonies, and overrun the world.
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20-40 points: A slight Neanderthal strain means that you will occasionally
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have spells of privitive behavior, crawling around on all
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fours and whooping wildly. If you live in California, no one
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will notice.
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40-60 points: You can still function quite well in the modern world, but
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avoid eating in fancy restaurants lest your table manners give
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you away.
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60-80 points: Your Plasticine heritage is predominant. You should consider
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a career in pro football.
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80-100 points: Unfortunately, your genetic makeup is Grunt City; there is no
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place for you in human society. Try running for public office
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instead.
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From Science Made Stupid by Tom Weller
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