156 lines
8.3 KiB
Plaintext
156 lines
8.3 KiB
Plaintext
Written by Toda Hiro-Matsu For Chameleon BBS, (713) 586-0914 On
|
|
01/16/87 at 01:02:00 PM
|
|
|
|
You know, we all talk about munchkins, but it occurs to me that most
|
|
of you don't really know much about the subject. So, in order to
|
|
enlighten you, and as a public service, herewith some detailed data
|
|
on same. Compiled, I hasten to add, at great personal cost in terms
|
|
of patience, annoyance, and the assistance of several professional
|
|
cryptographers. Special thanks to Dr. Aaron Parsons of Jeff Davis
|
|
Mem. Hosp. psychiatric staff.
|
|
|
|
MUCHKIN (munch'kin), n. 1. Lit. One of a race of diminuitive,
|
|
fictional characters created by Frank L. Baum. See "Oz, Wizard of".
|
|
2. Any small person or object. 3. Comp. Any of several species of
|
|
computer bulletin-board users characterized by juvenile actions and
|
|
attitudes. (See separate article elsewhere.)
|
|
|
|
- Encyclopaedia Galactica : Moo-Nar (Vol XVI)- Munchkin, pp. 323-325
|
|
-
|
|
|
|
"...contrary to common usage, Munchkins occur in several distinctive
|
|
varieties, as illustrated below, with examples.
|
|
|
|
m. Vulgaris (Common Munchkin): This genus is characterized by
|
|
possession of a newly-acquired 300-baud modem, unfamiliarity with
|
|
same, and an assumption that all non-munchkins have nothing better to
|
|
do with their time, than talk to it about same. The genus is
|
|
generally incapable of reading and will persist in raising questions,
|
|
e.g., about how to overcome call waiting, despite the existence of a
|
|
detailed text-file on the subject available from the library. m.
|
|
Vulgaris will be unaware of the existence of a text-file library, and
|
|
if informed of same, will respond with queries about how to access
|
|
and download same. (See "File, Help"). m.Vulgaris may be recognized
|
|
by its inability to press the [?] key, or to process the results
|
|
thereof.
|
|
|
|
m. Vocabularis (Nospell Munchkin): Characterized by complete
|
|
unfamiliarity with the usage, structure, grammatical customs, and
|
|
spelling of its native tongue, Vocabularis is distinguished from its
|
|
similar-appearing cousin (m.Ignoramus) by its refusal and inability
|
|
to learn, as opposed to mere lack of knowledge, as well as its habit
|
|
of corrupting those words which it inadvertently can spell correctly.
|
|
(See k-K00l, d00dz, warez). It its native habitat, m.Vulgaris can be
|
|
extremely vicious if provoked, and its response to a challenge
|
|
usually requires use of a good decryption algorithm or professional
|
|
cryptologist to dechiper. Staunton (q.v.) has postulated that
|
|
m.Vocabularis is actually employing perfectly acceptable usages of
|
|
some other language, but has been unable to put forth any candidate
|
|
language which might so qualify.
|
|
|
|
m.Profanus (True Munckin or Real Munchkin): Possibly the most widely
|
|
known species, m.Profanus is characterized by possession of an
|
|
extremely limited knowledge of short words generally considered
|
|
unnecessary and unacceptable in polite or mature company. Many such
|
|
words, although already short, are abbreviated due to the common
|
|
munchkin trait of being unable to find the proper keys on a computer
|
|
keyboard during states of high excitement. (See On, Logging).
|
|
Alternatively, White & Myers have proposed that m.Profanus is
|
|
frequently hybridized with both m.Vocabularis and m.Ignoramus, and
|
|
that the resulting creature is prone to abbreviation due to
|
|
uncertainty as to proper spelling of those few words in the list
|
|
longer than 4 letters, or ignorance of their meanings. This theory
|
|
has gained wide acceptance, despite the discrepancy (noted by
|
|
Staunton, et al.,) that m.Profanus frequently misspells even the
|
|
four-letter words.
|
|
|
|
m.Downloadus (Leech Munchkin): Unlike others of the grouping,
|
|
m.Downloadus actually possesses a reasonable working knowledge of his
|
|
computer and modem, albeit limited to the mechanics of simple
|
|
file-transfer. The species is predominantly characterized by actual
|
|
useage of the words coined by m.Vocabularis (c.f. "*****", above),
|
|
and not mere invention of them. m.Downloadus may be recognized in a
|
|
variety of ways, including a perusal of that portion of the user log
|
|
relating to upload vs. download counts (typical rations are in excess
|
|
of 30:1), and by the absence of possession of any actually useful
|
|
software (e.g., spreadsheet, text-processor. Note: Absence of a
|
|
spelling checker is not a true indication of the species, as NO
|
|
munchkin possesses or at least, makes use of, a spelling checker.)
|
|
m.Downloadus is particularly fond of AE lines, but can always be
|
|
found wherever software of the game or arcade type is available.
|
|
Deletion or denial of individual access is generally insufficient
|
|
remedy, as the species is incredibly prolific.
|
|
|
|
m.Illiteratus: Distinguished from m.Vocabularis by possession of the
|
|
skills lacking in the latter, m.Illiteratus has those skills, but
|
|
lacks the capacity to use them. One of the most difficult species to
|
|
properly identify, an Illiteratus can often be discovered through
|
|
employment of a special-purpose message base having a function that
|
|
is obvious from its title, and a multitude of messages clearly
|
|
indicating that purpose - such as a bar, icehouse or pub. Alighting
|
|
upon such a board, an Illiteratus will respond, for example with
|
|
|
|
"HI. IM NEW TO THIS BORED. WHAT IS THIS
|
|
BORED FOR? ARE THEIR ANY GURLZ HERE?
|
|
SEND ME EMAIL!"
|
|
Alternatively, m.Illiteratus can be detected by use of a
|
|
discussion/debate board, upon which it will emit:
|
|
|
|
"I DONT HAVE TIME TO READ ALL THOSE
|
|
MESSAGES UP THEIR BUT I THINK RAYGUN
|
|
SUX AND..." (&c, &c)
|
|
|
|
m.Illiteratus also makes assumptions similar to those of m.Vulgaris,
|
|
that all other users have nothing else to do with their time but
|
|
respond to his questions, which, in E-mail, are generally quite
|
|
short, and of a nature that requires a masters' thesis in response.
|
|
If ignored, Illiteratus will simply re-send the question, together
|
|
with an unmannered query about the lack of response.
|
|
|
|
m.Pestis (Sysop's munchkin, Feedback Munchkin, or F****g munchkin)
|
|
Rarely seen by the general munchkin-watching public, m.Pestis is a
|
|
particular plague of BBS system operators, and is characterized by
|
|
constant complaints about how a board is organized, operated and/or
|
|
run. It calls these complaints, "Suggestions", and like m.Vulgaris or
|
|
m.Illiteratus, assumes that its victim is obliged to respond
|
|
instantly to its "suggestions", regardless of the amount of time or
|
|
programming required. Being ignorant of programming itself, such
|
|
matters do not enter into its awareness. m.Pestis can be identified
|
|
by its constant pursuit of an ethereal and incomprehensible spiritual
|
|
goal which it refers to as "real high access", which Myers and White
|
|
explain as a desire to be seen to post on message bases which deny
|
|
access to munchkins, thus concealing its identity. Fisher, and to
|
|
some extent, Staunton, argue that this is insufficient, it being
|
|
necessary to distinguish between m.Pestis and the immature or larval
|
|
form of m.Sysopus, which latter form seeks information and free
|
|
instruction for the purpose of operating its own primitive form of
|
|
BBS. Lay persons desiring to locate m.Pestis are advised to petition
|
|
a well-
|
|
disposed system-operator for a brief list of most troublesome users,
|
|
and to compare this list against messages posted on the various
|
|
boards. Those which are listed by the Sysop, but which have not
|
|
posted in living memory are almost certainly examples of m.Pestis.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
X-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-X
|
|
|
|
Another file downloaded from: NIRVANAnet(tm)
|
|
|
|
& the Temple of the Screaming Electron Jeff Hunter 510-935-5845
|
|
Rat Head Ratsnatcher 510-524-3649
|
|
Burn This Flag Zardoz 408-363-9766
|
|
realitycheck Poindexter Fortran 415-567-7043
|
|
Lies Unlimited Mick Freen 415-583-4102
|
|
|
|
Specializing in conversations, obscure information, high explosives,
|
|
arcane knowledge, political extremism, diversive sexuality,
|
|
insane speculation, and wild rumours. ALL-TEXT BBS SYSTEMS.
|
|
|
|
Full access for first-time callers. We don't want to know who you are,
|
|
where you live, or what your phone number is. We are not Big Brother.
|
|
|
|
"Raw Data for Raw Nerves"
|
|
|
|
X-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-X
|