279 lines
13 KiB
Plaintext
279 lines
13 KiB
Plaintext
You are about to enter... A new dimension... A dimension of time and
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space... Where grown men can act like children and teen-agers rule all... A
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dimension of Losers, dudes, geeks, leeches, dorks, jerks, wizards, sysops,
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feds, board crashers, text-file writers, clubs, hakcers, phreakers,
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programmers, fags, crackers, wierdos, and.... Cherry gummi bears. You are
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about to enter...
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The Loser Zone
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/-------------------------------------\
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! (c) 1985 The Circle Spellbook, Inc. !
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\-------------------------------------/
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The person you are about to meet is named Johnny. You may or may not know
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his type, the guy with the tucked in shirt, pants pulled up to his rib cage,
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the guy who talks like a mouse and wears only what his mommy sets out for him,
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the one who still thinks that "pee pee" is a naughty word. That is a perfect
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description of John, and at his high school (yes, ladies and gentlemen, this
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Loser is actually a junior!) he is known as a nerd, Loser, jerk-off, teachers
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pet, computer loving, party hating, yo-yo playing, weak, all-around a-1
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asshole. Today, John has forgotten his precious disks at home, and must call
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his mom at work to have her bring them over. Little does he realize that he
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has just made his first collect call to... The Loser Zone!
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================
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Day One: Moonday
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================
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As he dialed the last number, John suddenly realized that he had called his
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home line. With a sigh of relief Johnny realizes that this wasn't such a bad
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problem as he will get to listen to the comforting sound of his pre-recorded
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carrier tone to ease his nerves.
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Rrrrrrrring rrrrrrrring rrrrrrrring
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"Hello?"
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Johnny freezes. His muscles clench... Where is the carrier? Where has it
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gone? Panicking, his body started to shake all over. The shivers rolling over
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his body soon found each other and in one group moved downward to his
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mid-section where they rapidly liquified and ran outward into his big bird
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underwear.
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"H-h-hello? this is... Uh... Joe hacker... Wh-who is this?"
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"Why, I'm John Plover, of course... Ah! so, you've finally called! guess
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what, Johnny, old boy, you just called yourself! doesn't that make you want to
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shit in your pants? [yes, boys and girls, it does!] yes, I am you! you are
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me! but I am the dude in you, the part of you that for years has lived in that
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greasy body just waiting for its chance to get out... Well now I have, and i'm
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loving it! I bet you're wondering why i'm here... I played sick today, just
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to prove how cool I really am in the eyes of my peers. That's something you
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never would have done. And oh, by the way, if you're looking for your disks,
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don't bother... I've found them such handy dart targets that I would just hate
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to lose them! good-bye, Johnny. I don't expect I'll be seing you for a
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while... Your mommy might have a heart attack if she sees two of us..."
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Johnny never heard those final words... He had fainted dead on the spot...
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His copy of pac-man had been reduced to a bulls-eye.
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=================
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Day Two: Dudesday
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=================
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after spending a full night in the boys locker room (wow! what a big place
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this is! I wonder what those things are that you turn a know on and water
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starts spewing out? let's see.... "Whirlpool showers, inc." What's a shower?)
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Johnny decided to go out to his house and spy on his dude-self. With a gasp he
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sees himself... Or is it? talking to... A girl! around him are a few boys
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patting him on the back and saying "how'd you change so suddenly" and other
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complimentary comments... Yech! friends! and look! his head was clean! how
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could he do that to his mom? where would she find anything to grease her pans
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with? looking at his dude self's clothing he sees an un-tucked new boast shirt
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{what's that maple leaf doing there? I only wear those shirts with the little
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disk drive on the pocket!] and broken in cordurroys pulled down... (Gasp)
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...Below the belly-button! what would he do about this? suddenly a great idea
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began to form in his head as the girl (yech!) actually touched his hand...
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(He's smiling! ewwww!) revenge!
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==================
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day three: fedsday
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==================
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"hello, omnI computers"
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"your mommy's a jerk! and so is your daddy! naaaaaaaa!" >click<
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(now what was that all about? well, I can guess that it was that Loser
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Johnny... Now I can be sure i'll never see him around again!)
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"yo! circle of enchanters."
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"Your bbs stinks! it sucks the big red lollipop! jerk!" >click<
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(hehe... That must have been that guy joe hacker... Now I have an excuse to
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start ragging on him... Even better, i'll delete him! and I even have it on
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paper! now I can write "awesome user ii: the day after!")
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"goody! now i'll call that jerk me and tell him what I did!"
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rrrrrrrring rrrrrrrring rrrrrrrring
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"hello?"
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"hello! this is joe hacker! I saw you the other day, how you've made me a
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dude in the eyes of others, how you even took a... Whatever it's called! now
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i've gotten my revenge! I just called up all the bbs's and all the computer
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stores around! you'll never be able to use the computer again! naaaa!"
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"well, Johnny, let me tell you something... You're absolutely right...
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Because I can't afford to have people still calling me nerd and geek if my modem
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is going all day... I've done something you never would have done... I traded
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in your computer... And now I have an awesome looking heat wave skateboard...
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And I gave all of your disks that didn't have holes in them to the kids down in
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the computer room... From a distance, of course... Your move, a-hole!" >click<
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Johnny was stunned. He just stood at the pay phone, looking in dumbfounded
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horror at the phone... No computer? fred was gone? no more radar-rat race?
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how could this be? suddenly, Johnny had a small spasm in his leg which spread
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outwards until his entire body was shaking everywhere, hitting the sides of the
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phone booth and kicking out glass. Some men and women stood around to look,
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laughing and pointing at this greasy, dirty kid. Finally the spasms ended and
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the entire crowd burst out laughing and applauding at the wet spot on Johnny's
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pants... He quickly ran to the nearest public boys room and sobbed for his lostfriend, his lost life, and his lost beer run.
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==================
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Day four: nerdsday
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==================
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Johnny huddled on a park bench with his only pair of clothes, drinking orange
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juice out of a brown bag. He was down to the last of his $50 allowance (he
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hadn't had a chance to buy his new disk at the computer store) and now counted
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his final chance.
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Suddenly Johnny realized that he hadn't checked "his" wherabouts in a long
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time and so he used a dime (it was illegal to try to cheat the pay phone!
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Johnny would never do that!) and quickly called his number.
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"Hello?"
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it was his mom... Suddenly he yelled into the phone, "mom, it's you! oh,
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thank god! please, mommy, help me! kill the other me with a big gun!
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pleeease!"
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"excuse me, you'll have to talk louder, there was too much static."
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Suddenly Johnny realized that he could never tell anyone of what had
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happened... A permanent trick of the Loser Zone. "Mom, yeah, this is me,
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Johnny."
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"Oh, Johnny! how are things at your appartment? I didn't think you'd call
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this early after moving in... Anyway, I want to make sure of your new phone
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number... Is it 972-8009?"
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Johnny froze again.. He had moved out? out of his comfy room with the care
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bear posters on the walls? was he gone from his sesame street bedsheets? was
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his entire life going to be devoted to being normal? "m-m-mom, uh... Yeah,
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yeah that's it! (quickly Johnny writes the number down) thanks a lot mommy,
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good-bye."
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"Wait... Oh, you've been acting so different lately dear, good-bye."
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Quickly Johnny called up the number and waited for the other him to answer.
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"Hello?"
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"so, now you've moved out! where are my posters?"
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"oh, I put them in the circular file Johnny old boy... But could you please
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call back later if you must continually bother me? you see, you can't survive
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much longer... Why bother? well, our girlfriend is on the other line so I have
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to hang-up... Now isn't that a shame?"
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"g-g-g-g-g-girlfriend? you mean a friend who is a girl? eeeww! cooties!"
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"haha... Man, I can't believe i've lived in you for sixteen years, Loser.
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Bye-bye, Johnny... Mommy can't help you anymore!" >click<
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Johnny was shocked. He sat there in the phone booth for ten minutes before
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hanging up. What could he do? he'd have to live the rest of his life knowing
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that he, although inderectly, actually had a relationship with a girl. What
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would the kids in the "ugh" think about that? (for those of yog who do not
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know, the ugh is a group of Losers who join together to trade their lice. It
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stands for "ugly geek homosexuals" and has about forty members... Every one of
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them in volume one of the real piirates guide to geeks, Losers, and leeches...
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Get this useful guide from the c.O.E.!)
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================
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Day five: styday
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================
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Johnny could be described in only one word... Dirty, smelly, greasy, geeky,
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slug sitting on a park bench looking wistfully at the local arcade. He shivered
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slightly as he looked at the payphone where he had discovered that he had a
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girlfriend... A transformation had taken place in him... Suddenly he hated
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being a geek, and for some reason he just couldn't change. Before he could
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think twice, Johnny picked up the nearest phone and dialed to make an agreement
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with his other self.
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"Yo! lemme guess, this is joe, right? well, wait till you hear..."
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"No! it's me, Johnny!"
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"oh no, I thought I got rid of you. Oh well, I might as well tell you also...
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Last night our girlfriend jenny came over to our pad... We got a little
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drunk... Guess what, Johnny old boy? we went all the way! that's something
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you never woulda done!"
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"y-y-you mean you actually... You... You... Kissed her?"
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"hahahahaha! my god, you really are just a miserable little a-hole, aren't
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you? well, it's time I put you out of your misery. Better hide, cause
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tomorrow... The boogey dude is coming! good bye, Johnny... For the last
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time!"
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Johnny suddenly realized that he would have to hide somewhere, fast, or he
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might have to live life of dudeness! suddenly, he saw his place of sanctuary...
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Caldors! he limped over and quickly hid in the mens room where his smell
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wouldn't be noticed over all the others... And so he went to sleep...
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===================
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Day six: shitterday
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===================
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Johnny was awakened violently from the adam computer he was slumped over,
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using the modem to call a new bbs under the handle "maximillian kehe." He looked
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up and shook in fear... It was John! the dude of dudes, and now the greatest
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fear in Johnny's life.
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"Guess what, wimp? it's time for me to cash in! time for you to clear out!
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you will now be erased from my mind, never able to bother anyone, never able to
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leech off of anyone, and never able to be joe hacker ever again... This is it,
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Johnny... It's the end of the road."
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"What will happen to me? w-w-will I never be able to use a computer again?
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(fear struck his heart)"
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"oh, much worse than that! you'll become my shadow... And you'll have to
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live through a life of dudeness forever!"
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"nooo! nooooo! nooooooooooooooo!"
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those were the last words of Johnny Farmhouse... And the first words of John
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"the jock" Farmhouse... Dude, sports star, and sex maniac.
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=========
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Epilouge:
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=========
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meet John Farmhouse... Jock, dude, awesome guy, and friend to cool people
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everywhere... He was your normal, everyday kid... Better than that, in fact...
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The guy who swore behind teacher's backs, turned all the girls on, and shunned
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all nerds of the world... Yet there was one peculiar thing about him, and only
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a select few ever noticed it... No matter where he was or what he was doing...
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there were bugs flying around his shadow... And his shadow always turned its
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back when he had sex... No one knows why, and no one really cares... Except
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for Johnny, who is forever condemned to dudeness in... The Loser Zone!
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/-------------------------------------|
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! (c) 1985 the circle spellbook, inc. !
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|-------------------------------------/
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Call the circle of enchanters for the newest in humor in the Loser Zone, or
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check out our brand new idea in Loser destruction... "Lbbs: the Loser's bbs
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system!" including both the document- ation and a sample log-on! call at...
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(203) 972-2810
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Where sorcery still reigns.....
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Call The Works BBS - 1600+ Textfiles! - [914]/238-8195 - 300/1200 - Always Open
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