167 lines
9.2 KiB
Plaintext
167 lines
9.2 KiB
Plaintext
GENESIS CORPORATION -- Producer of the Cosmos' finest Toys, not to
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mention your Uncle Harry and flash floods.
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******************************************************************************
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Genesis Corporation now presents its Environmental Impact Statement on Nuclear
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Power. (As opposed to our Asteroid Impact statement on why "Where does a
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Dinosaur sleep? Anywhere he wants!" doesn't apply to entities with _our_ kind
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of clout! When we throw stones, we throw BIG ones!)
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Nuclear Power was first patented in 1,359,026 A.B.B. (After Big Bang -- see
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our upcoming report on Phlavored Photons) in a high-density hydrogen cloud
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which shall remain nameless, mainly becasue we never bothered to give it one.
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Most of our nuclear power plants for the last 15 or so billion years have been
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in the form of "stars", none of which have ever been to Hollywood ('tho at
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times, we've considered _sending_ some of them there to "roast" a few actors
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we don't like).
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Environmentalists have complained about the fact that none of these plants
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have containment buildings, but they never stopped to consider just how many
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planets we'd have to strip mine into nothingness just to get the raw materials
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for the job. Besides, all of our stellar systems are _strictly_ zoned so that
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no residential living is permitted within at least 10,000,000 miles of any
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stars. This is well outside the normal radiation zone.
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Others have expressed concern that we don't have adequate evacuation plans in
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place in the event of an "accident" at one of our facilities." To this, we
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say tough bananas -- if you're too primitive to see it coming and get out of
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the way, your vaporization is no great loss. We also wish to point out that
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if some of these reactors _didn't_ go critical once in a while, there wouldn't
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BE any of you carbon-based organisms around to make a fuss in the first place
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(remember, most of your atoms were first synthsized inside one of our
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reactors). You talk too loud, we'll have a product recall -- such a suntan
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you'll get you wouldn't _believe_!
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******************************************************************************
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Today's Genesis Corporation product spotlight is on just that, Light. This is
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our first product and by far our most colorful to date. We have a wide
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spectrum of Phlavored Photons, most of which are invisible to most customers
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and, in fact, go right through them.
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Photons were patented in 0.0000000000000000000000000000000000000000001 A.B.B.
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(After Bheer Bhlast) and were based on an old family recipe we'd cooked up
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10^-57 seconds earlier. We set them out in the universe to cool for a minute
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after baking them, and lo and behold they started changing flavors! Grandma
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never told us about this feature of them, so we assumed that our discovery of
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this property was a first and promptly applied for patents on each new flavor
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as it arose. (Grandma filed a patent infringement suit in 10^-36 A.B.B., but
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we had both it and her thrown out of court for acting bitchy before the age of
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29.)
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We're particularly fond of our "Green" phlavor which has been rejected by
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trillions of plants all over the cosmos (for those of you who never passed
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high school physics, the phlavor of photons you see coming from anything is
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the aggregate of all phlavors the thing _didn't_ eat and thus reflected).
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One range of phlavors that has been particularly popular of late is "radio."
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We deduce this from the amount of it spilling out from planets such as Earth,
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where they evidently produce more of it than they can consume and export the
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rest at no charge to neighboring star systems. We recently discovered the
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catch in this presumed generosity -- they have added "artificial ingredients"
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to their radio, such as "Fibber McGee," "The Shadow" and "American Top 40."
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Test results on these additives are as yet incomplete, but we have exposed
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Sirian Mice to them and the mice have yet to contract cancer. Mice in the
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constellation Cancer, however, have become nauseous upon ingesting these
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altered radio waves.
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******************************************************************************
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Genesis Corporation, through the magic of Time-Lapse Geology, now brings you
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yet another product report. Today's special is on "Canyons."
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Our report was filmed by a Mr. Wells at one frame per year. The running time
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of the tape is 684 hours, which is why the movie is free -- we make a
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_fortune_ on our popcorn sales! As you can see now on this specially-produced
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videotape, we make our canyons by ...
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Ah, excuse me Mr. Wells, didn't we instruct you to take your photos at 11 A.m.
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each day, not at 11 P.m. after the pubs closed? You mean the whole tape was
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shot at 11 p.m.? Hello, Banishing Department? I've got a Mr. Wells to go
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"downstairs" on the next Express. Yes, I'll hold. OK, you'll get him on the
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11 P.m. special? Good, I'm _sure_ he'll be free then. Oh, and arrange to put
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him in the _Frost Class_ section so he'll appreciate the climate change more
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when he de-"planes". Thanks and Hail, Caesar!
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Well, folks, if you'll just bear with us for another few minutes, we'll get
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you today's travelog with all the scenic splendor we promised. Just let me
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make another phone call or two. Hello, Production Dept.? Get me Superman
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(tm) and LucasFilms (tm). I've got a rush job ...
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******************************************************************************.
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Today, a secret internal memo from Genesis Corporation was unearthed which
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shows a massive coverup operation has been in effect there for several
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millenia now. Here's an excerpt from the shocking paper:
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"Fossils" were first patented in 4004 B.C. (Before Colliseums), not in
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529,774,109 B.C. (Before Cretaceous) as officially on file. They were created
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to confuse the humans (created later that week) into thinking that their world
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was older than it really is (even though it really is), despite the false
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propaganda about our company spread by individuals falsely claiming to be
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sales reps of ours that said nothing, even our fossils, could be older than
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that (even though most things are, although our fossils, at least, aren't).
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Fossils are constructed by cloning the remains of long-dead liforms, burying
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them in places where they'll be preserved for at least 6,000 years and
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implanting them with radioactive elements that have been aged in our
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Weinberg cellars for several million years. This makes them appear to be as
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old as the originals they were cloned from are. We don't let the originals
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out of our own museums for the humans to pick over, however, since some humans
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use them as soup bones, some treat them like Tinker Toys and try to string
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them together for exhibits and the worst offenders paint them, label them and
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lock them up in glass cabinets. They make no effort whatsoever to recycle
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them, carve them into coathangers or jai-alai cestas or use them to fend off
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apes wielding more recent animal bones who've been incited to riot by tall,
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black, alien handball courts.
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Current plans, also hidden in the secret internal file, call for making
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fossils of the humans themselves for the amusement of future, more advanced
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life forms. The human remains are to be preserved by coaxing the victims into
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driving into tar pits melted into superhighways all over the planet.
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******************************************************************************
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Ah, fooled you -- you thought that the line of asterisks meant that there was
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another product description coming up here. Well, not yet. We have to clean
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our desks off once in a while, too, even if we _do_ work Saturdays. You'll
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just have to wait until next week for another installment payment (or is that
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installment of our writeups?). Unless you take the "J" bus down to 53rd St.,
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take out a can of Silly String, paint a taxi purple with it and tell the
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driver to take you to King Kounty Kar Wash in Seattle to get it cleaned off by
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your brother Morty for only $59.95. You're not allowed to tip the driver more
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than 9% or $2700, whichever is less.
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X-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-X
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Another file downloaded from: NIRVANAnet(tm)
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& the Temple of the Screaming Electron Jeff Hunter 510-935-5845
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Rat Head Ratsnatcher 510-524-3649
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Burn This Flag Zardoz 408-363-9766
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realitycheck Poindexter Fortran 415-567-7043
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Lies Unlimited Mick Freen 415-583-4102
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Specializing in conversations, obscure information, high explosives,
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arcane knowledge, political extremism, diversive sexuality,
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insane speculation, and wild rumours. ALL-TEXT BBS SYSTEMS.
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Full access for first-time callers. We don't want to know who you are,
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where you live, or what your phone number is. We are not Big Brother.
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"Raw Data for Raw Nerves"
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X-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-X
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