87 lines
5.2 KiB
Plaintext
87 lines
5.2 KiB
Plaintext
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Laidback with (a) Fifth
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By John Unger Zussman
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From Info World, Oct 4, 1982
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Basic, Fortran, Cobol... These programming Languages are well known and
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(more or less) well loved throughout the computer in- dustry. There are
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numerous other languages, however, that are less well known yet still have
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ardent devotees. In fact, these little-known languages generally have the most
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fanatic admirers. For those who wish to know more about these obscure
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languages - and why they are obscure - I present the following catalog.
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SIMPLE ... SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Mono Purpose Programming
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Lingusitic Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College for
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Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write code with
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errors in it. The statements are, therefore confined to BEGIN, END, and STOP.
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No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make a syntax error.
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Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful. Thus they achieve the results of
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programs written in other languages without the tedious, frustrating process of
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testing and debugging
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SLOBOL ... SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its
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compiler. Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they
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compile, SLOBOL compilers allow you to take a trip to Bolivia to pick up the
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coffee. Forty-three programmers are known to have died of boredom sitting at
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their terminals while waiting for a SLOBOL program to compile. Weary SLOBOL
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programmers often turn to a related (but infinitely faster) language, COCAINE.
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VALGOL ... (With special thanks to Dan and Betsy "Moon Unit" Pfau) - From
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its modest beginnings in southern California's San Fernando Valley, VALGOL is
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enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the industry. VALGOL commands
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include REALLY, LIKE, WELL and Y$KNOW. Vari- ables are assigned with the =LIKE
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and =TOTALLY operators. Other operators include the "CALIFORNIA BOOLEANS",
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FERSURE, and NOWAY. Repetitions of code are handledin FOR-SURE loops. Here is
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a sample VALGOL program: 14 LIKE, Y$KNOW (I MEAN) START %% IF PI A =LIKE
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BITCHEN AND 01 B =LIKE TUBULAR AND 9 C =LIKE GRODY**MAX 4K (FERSURE)**2 18 THEN
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4I FOR I=LIKE 1 TO OH MAYBE 100 86 DO WAH + (DITTY**2) 9 BARF(I) =TOTALLY
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GROSS(OUT) -17 SURE 1F LIKE BAG THIS PROGRAM ? REALLY $$ LIKE TOTALLY (Y*KNOW)
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VALGOL is characterized by its unfriendly error messages. For example, when
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the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the message, GAG ME
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WITH A SPOON!
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LAIDBACK ... Historically, VALGOL is a derivative of LAIDBACK, which was
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developed at the (now defunct) Marin County Center for T'ai Chi, Mellowness and
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Computer Programming, as an alternative uo the more intense atmosphere in
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nearby silicon valley. The center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak
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in hot tubs while they worked. Unfortunately, few programmers could survive
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there for long, since the center outlawed pizza and RC Cola in favor of bean
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curd and Perrier. Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation
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as a gentle and nonthreatening language. For Example, LAIDBACK responded to
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syntax errors with the message, SORRY MAN, I CAN'T DEAL WITH THAT.
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SARTRE ... Named after the late existential philosopher. SARTRE is an
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extremely unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they
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just are there. Thus, SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions.
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SARTRE programmers tend to be boring and depressed and are no fun at parties.
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FIFTH ... FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types
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refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and JIGGER to
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FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM, an BLOTTO. Commands
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refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY, CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH,
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VODKA, SCOTCH and WHATEVERSAROUND. The many versions of the FIFTH language
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reflect the sophisti- cation and financial status of its users. Commands in
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the ELITE dialect include VSOP and LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER di-
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alect include HOOTCH and RIPPLE. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH
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programmers who end up using the language.
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C- ... This language was named for the grade received by its creator when he
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submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is best
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described as a "Low-Level" programming language. In fact, the language
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generally requires more C- statements than machine-code statements to execute a
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given task. In this respect, it is very similar to COBOL.
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LITHP ... This otherwise unremarkable labuage is distinguished by the
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absence of an "s" in its character set. programmers and users must substitute
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"TH". LITHP is said to useful in prothething lithtth.
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DOGO ... Developed at the Massachussettes Institute of Obedience Training.
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DOGO heralds a new era of computer-literate pets. DOGO commands include SIT,
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STAY, HEEL and ROLL OVER. An innovative feature of DOGO is "PUPPY GRAPHICS",
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in which a small cocker spaniel occasionally leaves a deposit as he travels
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across the screen.
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Submitted By Ian and Tony Goldsmith
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Call The Works BBS - 1600+ Textfiles! - [914]/238-8195 - 300/1200 - Always Open
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