117 lines
7.5 KiB
Plaintext
117 lines
7.5 KiB
Plaintext
|
|
DESKTOP PUBLISH AND BE DAMNED!
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
|
|
|
Plans are now highly advanced for writing this article by a
|
|
revolutionary ``single-stroke'' method using the latest in technology and
|
|
cutting out the cumbersome old three-stage process of pencil-stub draft,
|
|
rough typescript and clean copy typed up by Tracy or Sharon from the temps
|
|
agency.
|
|
When ``Exercise Desktop'', as the new ``daisy wheel'' operation has
|
|
been code-named, is 100 per cent functional, this article should be more
|
|
saleable, funnier, easier to read, translateable into ten languages at the
|
|
touch of a ``memory key'' and free of the superfluous apostrophes which Tracy
|
|
scatters over any typescript like raisins in a pudding mix.
|
|
A dictionary program ``input module'' aims to eliminate Sharon's
|
|
sspelling mistakes entirely, although it does not itself seem any too certain
|
|
how to spell ``programme''; while a ``storage system'' or it may be a
|
|
``retrieval system'' ensures that the article contains no used jokes. Being
|
|
cheaper and quicker to produce than the old labour-intensive model, the
|
|
article can be twice or even ten times the usual length without inducing
|
|
writer's cramp, a flexibility feature not availiable with the conventional
|
|
pencil. Should there be no space to publish the article this week, it may be
|
|
stored, or lost in the system, or rerouted to "Horse & Hound", or even
|
|
converted into a cartoon.
|
|
However, owing to teething troubles, it has not yet proved possible
|
|
to produce the whole of this article by the new high-tech process. Readers
|
|
may experience most of it being typed on an old Alder, with occasional blank
|
|
spaces where the switchover to the new word processor has not gone smoothly.
|
|
These hiccups are being ironed out as quickly as possible, and as soon as the
|
|
writer has aquired one of those adaptor affairs enabling the word processor
|
|
and his desk lamp to be plugged into the only avaliable socket, the way will
|
|
be cleared for writing entire articles in green letters on a kind of
|
|
television screen, then, simply by consulting a textbook, transmitting the
|
|
finished product direct to somewhere else. The writer is not yet entirely
|
|
clear where exactly - he was given to understand that his text could be fed
|
|
straight into the page that you are reading now, but does that mean bypassing
|
|
the Editor? If so, presumably the computer knows how to set the type round
|
|
the cartoon, if there is one, though it does not seem to have the nous not to
|
|
split up words so that the t- of the appears at the end of one line and the
|
|
-he at the beginning of he next; but what the writer wants to know is
|
|
supposing the article is a few words long for the page, will the article just
|
|
carry on into the margin, or will the last paragraph be lopped off or
|
|
re-routed to one of the back pages, or what?
|
|
``Exercise Desktop'', or ``Exercise Tabletop'' as it should be more
|
|
accurately called at the moment, since this article is being composed inthe
|
|
dining room where there are plugs availiable both for a reading lamp and the
|
|
word processor, has been effected in three stages.
|
|
Initially, the old-fashioned mode of correcting the article by
|
|
xxxxing out mistakes was phased out, and ``Tipp-Ex'' phased in, preparing the
|
|
way for a smooth changeover to ``correction tape'' as soon as the writer
|
|
acquired an electronic typewriter. Stage two was obviating carbon paper and
|
|
getting photo-copies run off at the local chemist's - a dry run for when
|
|
``Exercise Desktop'' is fully operational and as many copies of an article as
|
|
the writer requires may be produced at the touch of a button, or key rather,
|
|
though what he is supposed to do with them he doesn't quite know. File them,
|
|
he supposes.
|
|
Stage three was supposed to be the acquisition of the electronic
|
|
typewriter, but serious technical difficulties were encountered when an
|
|
experimental attempt to write a portion of this article by this method was
|
|
made on a demonstration model in Ryman's. Though it had the conventional
|
|
QWERTY arrangement of keys, the keyboard felt funny to the writer, somewhat
|
|
like one of those pressed-out plastic trays you get in a box of chocolates,
|
|
and he was unable to type more than two words without making a mistake. This
|
|
disappointing result highlighted one of the perils of the new technology -
|
|
namely, producing an article full of spelling mistakes which the reader would
|
|
assume were inserted for cheap laughs, like some mock school essay ostensibly
|
|
written by Smith Mi of the Lower Third. It was decided, therefore, to
|
|
leapfrog the interim electronic typewriter stage and opt for a crash course
|
|
on operating a word processor, which would clear the decks for a total
|
|
desktop publishing operation involving being able to understand expressions
|
|
like ``word processed text'',``computer generated images'' and ``on-screen
|
|
representation'', as well as why all these bloody machines seem to be named
|
|
after fruit.
|
|
With the acquisition of the word processor, however, and over and
|
|
above the difficulty of plugging the thing in, it was discovered that owing
|
|
to his still not having got the hang of the keyboard, the writer was still
|
|
making mistakes and there was a real danger that this article would go into
|
|
production with the reader imagining that ``word processor'' transcribed as
|
|
``rowd precurser'' was supposed to be a joke. It was therefore decided that
|
|
in the initial stages of the switchover to high tech, the word processor
|
|
would be manned by Sharon. This article is still waiting for her to arrive.
|
|
She should have been here half an hour ago.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
The writer apologises for any blank space that may appear in this
|
|
article at this juncture, due to the changeover from the old Alder up in the
|
|
study to the word processor down here in the dining-room. Sharon has now
|
|
turned up, having to wait forty minutes for a No. 27 whereupon three came at
|
|
once, and is now taking this article from dictation. An ``in-Sharon mode''
|
|
has thus been achieved, whereby an ``on-screen representation'' is made
|
|
simply by the writer pacing up and down and feeding Sharon the material he
|
|
would like positioning ``in-article''.
|
|
It is possible that in reading the first section of this article to
|
|
be composed entirely by new technology, some readers may not be experiencing
|
|
the sensation that it is getting any funnier. This is due to technical
|
|
difficulties, i.e., the writer's acute awareness that the merest stroke of a
|
|
key with one manicured finger could produce one of two terribly obvious jokes
|
|
- either wiping out this article completely as these machines are said to be
|
|
apt to do if you don't know how to use them properly, though what the Editor
|
|
would have to say when confronted with a blank page and told it is the first
|
|
total new technology joke is anybody's guess; or showing off the machine's
|
|
versatility by juggling paragraphs round in whimsical juxtaposition - or,
|
|
even worse, inserting a recipe for carrot cake copied by Sharon onto a
|
|
``floppy disc'' or something. Or both. Or, and this has only occurred to
|
|
the writer, there could be the one where Sharon automatically converts into
|
|
``article input'' everything that is said to her regardless of whatever it
|
|
was supposed to be ``in-article'' material or not, for instance can't you
|
|
type any faster, darling, I could have written the whole bloody article in
|
|
the tiome it's taken you to peck out two paragraphs, I thought you people
|
|
were supposed to be trained? <SLAP> <User detection system error - user
|
|
unlocateable>
|
|
|
|
|
|
[Author unknown - file found on AMSTRAD BBS - Phone: 09-453-619 - 24 hrs]
|
|
|