textfiles/humor/COMPUTER/creation.txt

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 A Com


THE CREATION

     In the beginning, all was void, with the spirit of God brooding over the 
dark vapors.

     Then God said, "Let there be Byte," and there was Byte.  God saw the 
Byte, and was pleased with it, and divided the Byte into Bits.  He created a 
multitude of zeros, for zeros were all there were.

     On the Second day God toyed with the Bytes, and organized some of them 
into groups, to which He said, "You shall be called Words, for from Bytes you 
came, and of Bytes are you composed."

     On the Third day God said (to whom God was talking has never been 
ascertained or even questioned), "I have Words, made up of Bytes, made up of 
Bits.  But something's missing."

     So God scraped up a lump of clay, squeezed it tightly in His mighty 
hands, and flung it against the sky, where it solidified into a smokey mass.  
God saw the steaming heap, that it was good, and was pleased, and said to it, 
"You shall be called Hardware, a home for My Words and Bytes and Bits, and as 
you are the very first of your kind I shall call you CPU."

     And God turned, and with a flick of His wrist spewed forth tape drives 
("For you shall serve as a temporary home for My words..."), discs, paper 
tape, terminals, on-line printers, entire remote stations, whole 
teleprocessing installations.

     And God saw all this sparkling in the heavens, that it was good, and He 
was pleased.

     Having done all this, God rested.

     On the Fourth day, God reviewed all that He had done.  He saw His Bits 
and His Bytes residing statically on an infinite variety of media.  But He was 
not pleased.  "Something's missing," said He.  "I need to animate My treasured 
Bytes, to give them Life."

     So God leaned back, touched a soiled hand to His mighty brow, and with 
one single, all-powerful thought, set His hardware in motion.

     "You," said He to the intangible breath now coursing through His 
hardware, "I shall call software, for..." and so on, and so forth.

     And He continued, "You are the first, the best, the most perfect and 
omnipotent software."  And divided the software into many parts; into 
utilities, compilers, system libraries and His favorite, most privileged and 
beloved operating system.

     God was pleased, so He rested.

     On the Fifth day, God again surveyed all that He had done, and was filled 
with joy.  He found that with His creation he could determine the value of Pi 
to ten thousand digits.  He found that He could produce flowcharts of His 
beloved operating system, and these He posted by His throne.  He discovered 
that He could run off Snoopy calenders, pictures of the Mona Lisa, and witty 
little computer accounts of The Creation.  And with a terminal at His throne, 
He didn't have to travel halfway to Hell to access His system.

     He called His creation "Imperatatum Byte Magnamus" (or "IBM" for short).

     But all was not well.  God's beloved system was so large, so complex, 
that even the mighty God - maker of heavens and earth (but that's another 
story), the Builder of the CPU and virtual memory, the Author of Fortran - was 
hard-pressed to keep up on how everything worked.

     So God said, "I'll make Me a Man."

     And He did, and to the man He said, "You shall be called (logically 
enough) "Man," and to you shall fall the responsibility of maintaining all 
that I have done."

     And to keep man happy after-hours, God gave him Woman, saying to man, 
"For I know that even Bytes get lonely for a little Bit."

     And God rested, chuckling at His own little play on words.

     On the Sixth day, God mounted His throne, logged onto His terminal, and 
engaged in a full day of uninterrupted 1-second turnaround.  He saw all that 
He had done, that it was good.  He was pleased that from His first Byte He had 
created such a wonderful and extensive toy.  He created file after file, He 
performed advanced and impressive on-line data base updates, He wrote a faster 
and more extensive Fortran compiler, and in general rejoiced in the perfection 
of His I.B.M.

     After a hard day's work on a hot terminal - during which man was quietly 
familiarizing himself with the system documentation - God called it a day 
("You I shall call day..." and so forth) and went to sleep.

     On the Seventh day - so tired was He from the week's labors - God slept 
all day.  What transpired on that crucial seventh day is recounted in the 
"Fall of Man..."


            THE FALL OF MAN

     Late in the Sixth day of creation, woman called him at work and begged 
him to come home, as dinner was getting cold.  Man grudgingly consented, but 
brought home with him a copy of the system documentation to study.

     After dinner, woman cooed some suggestive little sighs and slipped 
invitingly into bed.  Man followed, but - being beat after a hard day at the 
office - fell straight to sleep.  Woman had an indescribable inner feeling 
that this was not how things should be on their first night in bed (or in 
existence, for that matter), and disdainfully flung man's notebook from the 
nightstand.  The book fell open to an important-looking page marked "WARNING" 
in bold letters.

     Now, woman was possessed of insatiable curiosity.  God - we must assume - 
had been entirely familiar with contempary Greek writings on the subject, 
particularly with the escapades of a wayward feminist named Pandora.  At any 
rate, woman picked up the book, and read:  WARNING:  "You I have created to 
maintain application programs and to operate My beloved I.B.M.  You may 
partake of My utilities, My Fortran, My files and tapes and flowcharts.  But 
with My operating system thou shalt not tamper, for to the user it giveth 
unlimited MASTER MODE powers..."

     Woman - being as greedy as she was beautiful - immediately woke man.  She 
derided him for his sheepishness, for his lack of initiative, for his cowering 
before a silly machine.  She filled his mind with thoughts of power and greed, 
and instilled in him the resolve to win for himself all the privileges of the 
operating system.

     Besides, reasoned woman, as boss, man won't come home dead tired, and 
might be worth something after dinner...

     So man returned to work the next day, intent on breaching the operating 
system.  He needled, he patched, he disguised clever little traps in his 
programs which - for tantalyzingly brief periods of time - slipped into master 
mode.  By the end of the Seventh day, man was so close to mastering the 
operating system that he didn't go home 'til very late.  So pleased was he - 
and so sure that the coming day would reward him with total control of God's 
own system - that he whistled all the way home, and when he got there snuck 
into the bedroom and gave woman a pleasant surprise...

     Early on the Eighth day, man did it.  God was on the terminal early, 
playing blackjack with His computer.  So man was able to submit his 
carefully-prepared batch job without being noticed.  The system burped, God's 
terminal blinked once but then all was normal.  Man's heart lept.  It was his 
operating system now, not God's.  For a moment he stood stunned with the 
impact of his move.  Then - with a self-assurance that only  novice 
programmers can truly appreciate - he seated himself at the master console, 
and pushed the attention key.  His hands trembling with excitement, he began 
to type "DELETE G-O-D".

     BINGO.

     Just as He was about to hit the carriage return - and with the system 
$500 ahead in God's blackjack game (God holding 20 for a thousand-dollar pot) 
- the system crashed.

     God was furious.

     "You ignored My warning," said He to man, as woman wailed pathetically 
that she had had nothing to do with it.  "You violated My beloved system, and 
dared think that you could become as one with God."

     He waved man disdainfully from His sight.  He then reached into His 
I.B.M., took a handful of core, mutilated it a little, and flung it after man.

     "Go," said He to the slice of core, "and multiply into a host of inferior 
systems, each more prostituted and glitch-filled than the last.  And perhaps 
if man's time is wasted debugging inferior systems, I won't be bothered by 
him."

     And that - according to the book of Byte - is why the world consists of 
two types of computers: IBM, and all the rest.

     And so it is that certain individuals are born to serve God's favorite 
IBM, while others are condemned to suffer the damnation of amateur "other" 
computer companies.

     But if you're very good, and if you're honest and trustworthy and like to 
work twenty hours a day without material reward, then you may well hope that 
one day you will be selected to move up through Xerox to Burroughs to 
Honeywell to Univac to that great system in the sky whose initials inspire men 
to this very day - I.B.M..


G25


                      THE STORY OF CREATION
                               or
                         THE MYTH OF URK


     In the beginning there was data.  The data was without  form
and  null, and darkness was upon the face of the csole; and the
Spirit of IBM was moving over the face of the  market.   And  DEC
said,  "Let  there be registers";  and there were registers.  And
DEC saw that they carried; and DEC separated the  data  from  the
instructions.   DEC  called  the data Stack, and the instructions
they called Code.  And there was evening and there  was  morning,
one interrupt.

     And DEC said, "Let there be a word in the midst of the data,
and  let  it separate the data from the registers."  And DEC made
the word and separated the data which were under the  Stack  from
the  registers  which were above the memory.  And it was so.  And
DEC called the memory Core.  And there was evening and there  was
morning, a second interrupt.

     And DEC said, "Let the data  under  the  stack  be  gathered
together  into one place, and let partitions appear."  And it was
so.  DEC defined the partitions as 4Kw, and the  data  that  were
gathered  together  they  called BLOCKS.  And DEC saw that it was
good.  And DEC said, "Let the CPU  put  for  addresses,  pointers
yielding  bytes,  and  structures bearing words in which there is
data, each according to its type, upon the partition." And it was
so.   And  DEC  saw that no bits stuck. And there was evening and
there was morning, a third interrupt.

     And DEC said, "Let there be lights upon the console  of  the
CPU  to separate the addresses from the data; and let them be for
signs and for diagnostics and for blinking.  And it was so.   And
DEC  made  the  two great Buses, the greater Bus to rule the CPU,
and the lesser Bus to rule the peripherals; they made  the  peri-
pherals  also.  And DEC set them on line to give data to the CPU.
And DEC saw that it was good.  And there was  evening  and  there
was morning, a fourth interrupt.

     And DEC said, "Let the Bus bring forth swarms of  data,  and
let  stack  pointers  fly above the data across the partitions of
the Core." So Bell created the great C monsters.c and every a.out
that runs, with data swarming, and every pointer according to its
type." And Bell saw that is it was good.  And Bell blessed  them,
saying,  "Be  fruitful  and  fork  and fill the partitions in the
Core, and let processes multiply."  And  there  was  evening  and
there was morning, a fifth interrupt.

     And Bell said, "Let there be UNIX."  And  it  was  so.   And
Bell  made the errors of the Bus according to their kinds and the
faults of memory according to their kinds,  and  everything  that
core-dumps  upon  the  disk according to its error.  And Bell saw
that it was good.  Then Bell said, "Let us make debuggers for the
image;  and  let  them have dominion over the a.out, and over the
breakpoints, and over every address that sits upon the stack." So
Bell  created  parity; in the image of Core they created it; even
and odd they created it.  And Bell checked it and saw that it was
good.   And  Bell  said  of UNIX "Behold, We have given you every
pointer yielding objects, and every identifier with value in  its 
address;  you  shall  have them for food.  And to every device on 
the Bus, and to every program in the bin, and to everything  that 
creeps  on  the disk, everything that has the mode of allocation, 
We have given inodes to check."  And it was  so.   And  Bell  saw 
everything  that  they  had made, and behold, it was a lot better 
that RSTS/E.  And there was evening  and  there  was  morning,  a 
sixth interrupt. 

     Thus the hardware and the software were  finished,  and  all
the host of system calls.  On the seventh interrupt, it crashed.


G2:3


* Chemical Analysis

Element    : Woman
Symbol     : WO
Discoverer : Adam

Quantitative Analysis : Accepted at 36-28-36, though isotopes ranging from 
25-10-20 to 60-55-60 have been identified.

Occurance : Found wherever man is, but seldom in the highly reactive, 
energetic singlet state.  Surplus quantities in all urban areas.

Physical Properties : Undergoes spontaneous dehydrolysis (weeps) at absolutely 
nothing, and freezes at a moment's notice.  Totally unpredictable.  Melts when 
properly treated, very bitter if not well used.  Found in various states, 
ranging from virgin metal to common ore.  Non-magnetic but attracted by coins 
and sport cars.  In its natural shape the specimen varies considerably, but it 
is often changed artificially so well that the change is indiscernable except 
to the experienced eye.

Chemical Properties : Has a great affinity for AU, AG, and C, especially in 
the crystalline form.  May give violent reaction if left alone.  Will absorb 
great amounts of food matter.  Highly desired reaction is initiated with 
various reagents such as C(2)-H(5)-OH and sexy aftershave lotions.  An 
essential catalyst is often required (must say you love her at least five 
times daily).  Reaction accelerates out of control when in the dark and all 
reaction conditions are suitable.  Extremely difficult to react if in the 
highly stable pure form.  Yields to pressure applied to correct points.  The 
reaction is highly exothermic.

Storage : Best results are obtained between the ages of 18 and 25 years.

Uses : Highly ornamental.  Used as a tonic for low spirits.  Used on lonely 
nights as a heating agent (if properly prepared).

Tests : Pure specimens turn rosy tint if discovered in raw, natural state.  
Turns green if placed beside a better specimen.

Caution : Most powerful reducing agent known to man (income and ego).  Highly 
explosive in inexperienced hands.  Specimen must be used with great care if 
experiments are to succeed.  It is illegal to possess more than one permanent 
specimen, although a certain amount of exchange is permitted.


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