209 lines
10 KiB
Plaintext
209 lines
10 KiB
Plaintext
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The Joy of Computers
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A Users Manual From The
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Computer Relations Institute
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The following manual is provided as an aid to those open
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minded adults wishing to achieve a more fulfilling and
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meaningful relationship with their UNIX computer.
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WARNING!!: Do not attempt the more difficult positions
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immediately! Start with the simple relationships and work
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your way up, or damage to the operator and/or terminal may
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result!
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LOGON
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As in all relationships, you must start by approaching the
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terminal and making some small talk. In computer
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terminology, this is referred to as "logging on". It is,
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however, just a highly evolved form of foreplay (much like
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the singles bar scene). If the computer is receptive to
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your advancement (hey what is your sign? #grep
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/etc/passwd), then it will respond by asking for a
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password. This is the computer's way of weeding out the
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nerds before verifiably engaging in any relationship. It
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also sets the term for the give-and-take interrelationship
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to follow. If this condition of foreplay is successful, the
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user is allowed to "access the computer". Once this is
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past, the user and the computer are ready to network in
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some serious entanglements.
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CHECK-IN WITH DOT
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The computer has a vast and ponderous knowledge that may be
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accessed by the temporal user (it's "been around"). To
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decide just what form of relationship will develop, the
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computer kindly produces a $ prompt, which evokes the
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terminal user to fork up an appropriate response and press
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the ENTER key (more about entering later!). How much the $
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expects is dependant upon Dot Profile. Everyone knows Dot
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don't they? Dot's gotta hold on you where you live! Without
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Dot's help you could be awking off in the corner! Dot's got
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your mail! Dot's got your history for the last several
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transgressions, so you'd better be sure Dot is taken care
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of properly at the $ prompt. No short changing here! If you
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do short the Dot, you'll be seeing it on the front page of
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your news_rc
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PROGRAM ACCESS
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Ah! The fun part! Most programs require a lot of entering.
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Care has to be taken here not to enter the wrong thing in
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the wrong place! NOTE: You may find your self entering
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repeatedly to achieve any degree of success. You may enter
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as hard (often stated "strike any key") and as fast as you
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like, but like any sensitive partner, please be aware of
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the computer's feelings. Automation and modern technology
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have produced the most advanced of all partners our multi-
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user, multi-tasking environment. (Wouldn't it be nice if you
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could multi-user without fear of catching something,
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including bullets.)
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PROFICIENCY
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The system, if properly approached, will respond almost
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instantly and openly to user advances. (Dinner, dancing and
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a show aren't even needed.) As you improve you may even be
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able to experience multiple relationships per day. Just
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work your way up slowly. (Be careful, you are beginning to
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sweat on the keys!)
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EXITING
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After accessing your favorite program and dwelling on all
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the earthly delights available from the depths of the
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system, it will soon become time for the climactic end of
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the session. This step has been automated to allow the
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users to take full advantage of their passions. The system
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will be ready to get off any time the user so desires. No
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more trying to time things just right! The user types EXIT
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and enters for the final time. The computer responds
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instantly, and with much relief and gratification, the user
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is thrust out, finished and spent from passionate endeavors
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in the exiting world of computer relationships. The only
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thing that seems a bit unfair is that the computer
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immediately begins to invite another LOGON!!
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CONSEQUENCES
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As in any highly developed personal relationship, certain
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responsibilities and consequences exist. Privacy,
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especially in multi-user scenarios is non-existent! There
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are more ways to see what the user is doing and has done
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than you would expect. PID (not pelvic inflammatory
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disease) can generate child processes which will then spawn
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PPIDs and so on. The awesomeness of the birthing of child
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processes can occasionally be interrupted. The cause of
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these birth defects is sometimes predictable, and sometimes
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cannot be explained, and you wind up with a core dump right
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in the middle of your directory! HONESTLY! There are proper
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places for dumping. Thankfully, cores don't smell.
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Interruptus and aborting of processes are frowned upon by
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the local right-to-life movement. However, the system
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doesn't seem to be at all distressed by multiple interrupts
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and aborts. Sometimes its helpful in keeping the process
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population from getting out of hand and into the system.
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MORE ON MULTI-USER
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The computer is the most versatile of all partners. For
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those operators who have advanced beyond the one-on-one
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scene, the computer is open to many variations. It is
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capable of having relationships with many different users
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at the same time. (This would be an unpopular subject in
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news.soc.singles) It won't even call you by the wrong name!
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Caution for humans needs to be exercised. Multiple
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relationships are very difficult for users, and
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extraordinarily simple for the computer. Also, the
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tirelessness of the computer can often exhaust the most
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lascivious user. Hours on hours, days on days, until the
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PIDs number 10^6 the computer will keep asking for LOGINS!
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PROGRAMMERS
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A very elite group of computer relaters exists, known as
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"programmers". This group can delve as deeply into the
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mysteries of computer relations as is technically possible
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today. It is this group, in fact, that is able to maintain
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the computer at the fevered pitch. Not much is known about
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the practices of this elite group, but studies are going on
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at this time to determine how their complex groupings are
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tied into the inner workings of the mighty computers. It
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should be noted that relationships between users and
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programmers should be approached with precaution. The depth
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of knowledge of the programmer may well burn out the more
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simple minded users if the computer is not allowed to act
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as counselor.
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In closing, the user is encouraged to explore the satisfying
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world of the computer. Thrust in headlong to the depth of
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your ability. Seek the serene but passionate heights of the
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most intense programs. You will come away satisfied and
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content in the knowledge of a relationship well founded.
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DEFINITIONS
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GOING DOWN - Occasionally, the entire computer will turn
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"frigid" in mid-course and refuse to do anything. This can
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be very frustrating to the operators. It is truly traumatic
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to the users that are about to exit in the relationship.
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The reason for this action is not entirely known. Indeed,
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it appears that the result of going down has entirely the
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opposite effect than the action practiced by humans on each
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other that bears the same name. However the computer can be
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made to recover from this withdrawal by very special
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foreplay performed by system administrators. (Special users
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and programmers). Going down has one redeeming quality. It
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is often the cause of the PID numbers to fall nearly to the
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extinction level. PIDs and PPIDs are annihilated by the
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millions. This is the ultimate in child process evacuation.
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COLD START - This is a term for the intricate foreplay practiced
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by programmers on a computer that has "gone down".
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It appears that this is the only form of foreplay
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that the system will respond to in order to arouse
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a withdrawn system to engage in relationships with
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the more common users.
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WARM START - This form of foreplay between system
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administrators and the computer occurs when the computer
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has "gone down" from the secret actions of the system
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administrators themselves. No one knows why this
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ritualistic form of system deprivation is periodically
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practiced by this elite group. Some theories suggest it is
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a method whereby the programmers drive their satisfaction
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from the frustrated energies of the other users.
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BACKUP - A back-up is performed by the programmers at
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regular intervals. It may be some form of rear-entry or
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"back-door" access to the systems most private parts. The
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reason for this is also not known., but at times when the
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system "goes down", it would not be possible to bring it
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around again had some programmer not performed a "back-up"
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recently.
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RUNNING- This is a devious practice performed by the
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a programming group or system administrators that is thought
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TAPE to be a form of electronic bondage. The system is thought
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to derive much pleasure from this. We know that it has to
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do with the memories of the system, and is therefore thought
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to be very important. This act is never forgotten by the
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computer unless it is "erased", which may be some form of
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pleasure-trance induced by the programmers.
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WARM DUMP - Not much is known about this. Theories presented
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by researchers on system relations are so strange and
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repulsive that this is most often handled by government
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agencies. The droppings for some, called "cores" are
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immediate calls to investigation.(Preverts) (Is that the
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opposite of Postverts?)
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MODEMS - A piece of equipment that can allow for telefornication
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by both authorized and unauthorized users if
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the system is not properly prepared.
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collaborative effort by: Jay Lewis
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Pete Rourke
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