79 lines
3.4 KiB
Plaintext
79 lines
3.4 KiB
Plaintext
A contribution to the mathematical theory of big game hunting ...
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The following represent several mathematical methods for capturing a lion
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in the middle of the Sahara Desert:
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* The method of inversive geometry.
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We place a spherical cage in the desert, enter it, and lock it, We
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perform an inversion with respect to the cage. The lion is then in
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the interior of the cage, and we are outside.
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* The method of projective geometry.
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Without loss of generality, we may reguard the Sahara Desert as a
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plane. Project the plane into a line, and then project the line
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into an interior point of the cage. The lion is projected into the
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same point.
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* The "Mengentheoretisch" method.
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We observe that the desert is a separable space. It therefore
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contains an enumerable dense set of points, from which can be
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extracted a sequence having the lion as a limit. We then approach
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the lion stealthily along this sequence, bearing with us suitable
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equipment.
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* The Peano method.
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Construct, by standard methods, a continuous curve passing through
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every point of the desert. It has been shown that it is possible
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to traverse such a curve in an arbitrarily short time. Armed with a
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spear, we traverse the curve in a time shorter than that in which a
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lion can move his own length.
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* A topological method.
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We observe that a lion has at least the connectivity of the torus.
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We transport the desert into four-space. It is then possible to
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carry out such a deformation that the lion can be returned to
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three-space in a knotted condition. He is then helpless.
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* The Cauchy, or function theoretical, method.
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We consider an analytic lion-valued function f(z. Let X be
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the cage. Consider the integral:
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1/(2 * pi * i) integral over C of [f(z) / (z - X)]dz
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where C is the boundary of the desert; it's value is f(X), i.e.,
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a lion in the cage.
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* The Wiener Tauberian method.
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We procure a tame lion, L0 of class L(-infinity, +infinity), whose
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Fourier transform nowhere vanishes, and release it in the desert.
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L0 then converges to our cage. By Wiener's General Tauberian
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Theorem, any other lion, L (say), will then converge to the same
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cage. Alternatively, we can approximate arbitrarily closely to L
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by translating L0 about the desert.
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* The Schrodinger method.
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At any given moment there is a positive probability that there is
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a lion in the cage. Sit down and wait.
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* A relativistic method.
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We distribute about the desert lion bait containing large portions
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of the Companion of Sirius. When enough bait has been taken, we
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project a beam of light across the desert. This will bend right
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around the lion, who will then become so dizzy that he can be
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approached with impunity.
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* The thermodynamical method.
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We construct a semi-permeable membrane, permeable to everything
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except lions, and sweep it across the desert.
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* The magneto-optical method.
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We plant a large lenticular bed of catnip [Nepeta cataria], whose
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axis lies along the direction of the horizontal component as the
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earth's magnetic field, and place a cage at one of its foci. We
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distribute over the desert large quantities of magnetized spinach
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[Spinacia oleracea], which, as is well known, has a high ferric
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content. The spinach is eaten by the herbivorous denizens of the
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desert, which are in turn eaten by lions. the lions are then
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oriented parallel to the earth's magnetic field, and the resulting
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beam of lions is focused by the catnip upon the cage.
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