102 lines
4.5 KiB
Plaintext
102 lines
4.5 KiB
Plaintext
From: zed@mdbs.uucp (Bill Smith)
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Newsgroups: alt.french.captain.borg.borg.borg,rec.arts.startrek
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Subject: Recipe for an enterprising stew
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Date: 28 Sep 90 13:18:04 GMT
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1. Take 30% of the staff and convert them into anti-matter.
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2. Bewilder the audience with so much techno-gobbledegook and retroactive
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continuity that the don't realize that the Borg are really a mutant
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strain of Muppet.
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3. Close all hailing frequencies to create an aura of fear and forboding.
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When everyone is about to panic, make things even worse by turning
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Riker into a bowl of petunias and Data into a large sperm whale.
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4. Let Wesley solve the problem by reasoning that if the Borg really
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existed, the earth would never have made it out of the 20th century's
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SETI experiments and the the Borg are really a mass hallucination created
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by (you guessed it) Q.
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5. Take the staff that is now anti-matter and drop them into the center
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of the galaxy in an attempt to prevent Star Trek V before it becomes
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released the new high-definition technology.
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6. Deliver Celtic runes found inside the Borg ship to the ship's Chief
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Engineer-of-the-day so that he may discover incantations to neutralize
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the Borg's powers.
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7. Prevent hostilities from developing between sexually incompatable crew
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members via the "it can't happen on screen, so it can't happen" dogma
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that allowed the Brady bunch to exist with such a high subliminal level
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of sexual frustration.
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8. Find Jeannie's bottle on Retro-Gynus V and blink the Borg into a new
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sitcom, enabling even more money to be made for Fox TV and its shareholders.
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9. Discover a cure for tonsilitus, thus eliminating the need for ice cream
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and starting a minor revolution on Rigel 7.
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10. Realize (too late) that it can't happen, it isn't real, so the whole Borg
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episode was really a late night joke at one of Gene Roddenberry's
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legendary invent-an-alien-adventure parties.
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11. Describe life inside the Borg ship as "somewhat misunderstood" by the
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the humans of the future and that really, they are a peace loving race
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that is frustrated by their inability to create a perfect sonnet and a
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simple, yet elegant architectural diagram.
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12. Check that the audience is still confused. If it is, it's time to
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go back to reality and write a Holodeck episode.
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13. Ambiguously deny the existence of God while proving that on the
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planet during TOS that they found a Roman civilization still persecuting
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the followers of "the Son" life begins at conception for that particular
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species. In the meantime dodge any hate mail from both the pro- and anti-
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abortion groups and the entire concourse of intelligent viewers who don't
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need their spirituality banalized by a space fantasy.
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14. Remember that the crew gets hungry once in a while so you need to
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improve the quality of the dinners without lugging around an entire
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farming system inside the ship.
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15. Stop the post-production work for a few days so that more reruns may
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be shown at enormous profit.
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16. Decide that time travel wasn't such a bad idea after all and give
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evidence of it during the 27th century B.C. In the meantime, invest
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in the stock of companies that produce drugs to treat paranoid
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schizophrenics.
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17. Undermine the safety of the world military establishments by revealing
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their secret space travel techniques.
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18. Deny a simple explanation for otherwise obviously commonplace events
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so that the plot can be extended another 5 or 10 minutes when the writer
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"ran a little under."
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19. Open hailing frequencies for the Sagan'th time, and then discover that
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someone forgot to connect up the antenna's ground wire.
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20. Stop hiring actors that are prone to overact after it's already too late
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to rescue an entire generation of Science Fiction fans.
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21. Have a party to celebrate the American quincentennial.
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22. Produce a shortage of plasmoquasistable isotopes, endangering Earth with
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a plague of boredom due to a crisis shortage.
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23. Enter early events in the Star Trek cosmology into a group of vanity
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history books so that Star Trek can appear anti-prophetic. (hunh?)
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24. Write subliminal messages across the screen in Sanskrit just before an
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advertisement encouraging the viewers to buy more Star Trek novels.
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25. Finally, realize that because the entire Star Trek staff is permanently
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on the gravy train, start a Star Trek cereal, comic book, rock band,
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and political party.
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