textfiles/humor/COMPUTER/aptel89.txt

File   : APTEL89.TXT
Author : Iceman(NZ)
BBS    : The Banana Republic BBS


                Applied Telecommunications goes to Computing '89
                ================================================
                
    This document describes Applied Telecommunications trip to Computing '89
and the various events that occurred there.  As such it is mainly of interest
to those who took part, but also goes to show what you can do with a few names
and crossed fingers.

The Crew:
=========

Name:                   Position:                   A.k.a.

Charles Babbage         Analytical Engineer         The Yuppie, <Censored>
I.O.Buffer              Interrupt Handler           <Censored>
P.H.Reak                Black Box Concepts          The Iceman
Ron Mcdonald            Memory Manager              Red One
V.M.Driver              Virtual Memory Manager      
J.Lucasiewicz-Janczewski Disk Drive Controller      <See note>
<Censored>              Video Controller            The Master of the Arcane
<Censored>              Resource Manager            Cousin It

 - Plus various other people who for one reason or another used their real
   names.
   
Preamble:
=========

    At 10:30 almost 50% of the staff of Applied Telecommunications climbed into
the Master of the Arcane's car to head off to Computing '89, clutching business
passes acquired by various means, blank disks, copying programs, and lists of
funny names to use on the registration form.  After the Master of the Arcane
had carefully reversed up the driveway (to allow the puddle under his feet to
drain throught the rust-hole beneath the seat), and after a brief stop for
petrol and to have his windows washed for the first time ever, we screamed off
to the Epsom Showgrounds, at times hitting speeds of nearly 40 kph and putting
the doors in serious danger of falling off.  At 11:25 we were at the main
entrance, ready to rendezvous with various other people prior to going in.

Amble:
======

    While filling out bogus names and positions in the registration form, we
were met by the sad news that Ron Mcdonald couldn't get the day off work (which
instantly dashed all hopes of going to the Apple stand and asking for "A Mac.
A big Mac.  Also some fries and a large coke, to go").  Various other people
(including our beloved Presidente) had transport trouble and couldn't turn up,
and one Mack the Knife actually chickened out and went under his REAL NAME!!
(shame, shame!).  Another sad casualty was the well-known computer pioneer
Perestroika Glasnost - the people at reception were stupid, but not *that*
stupid. After some slight indecision over whose phone-number to give, Charles
Babbage managed to find a copy of the Yellow Pages, and we all dutifully
recorded the Portaloo number as our business line.
    And so, at slightly reduced battalion strength, we entered the hall, and
immediately began the annual "see-who-can-collect-the-most-business-cards"
competition, coupled with a souvenir-gathering blitz that would have put a
major crimewave to shame.  Vast hordes of people would descend on a stand,
remove everything not nailed down, and depart a few minutes later leaving only
a few shattered displays, picked-clean bones, some dust and cobwebs, and the
occasional dried-up bush bowling along in the wind that howled through the
nooks and crannies of the long-abandoned ghost-town where Billy the Goat would
soon meet his death at the hands of.....oh, sorry, where was I...oh yes,
souvenir raids.
    Quite early on in the piece the various collections of business cards had
become decidedly unwieldy, so after grabbing a couple of bags off some poor
harassed salesman we proceeded to set about filling them with all sorts
of...um...trade "gifts".  Mack the Knife quickly located an unguarded IBM pen,
and liberated it from the desk while everyone else was busy stabbing the person
next to him with those "dinky" (to use Cousin It's favourite word) flags that
doubled as amazingly lethal weapons.  Soon thereafter he located a stand where
they served cheese and crackers, and all we heard for the next few minutes were
happy munching sounds as he sampled the stock.  In the meantime, the Iceman was
busy viewing the password file on the XENIX system at the Phoenix stand, until
he was suddenly and unexpectedly booted off by the only other salesman at the
entire show who knew anything about computers. Upon being reunited with Mack
the Knife ("Have you been eating crackers, Mack?" - "No, of course not" - "OK
then, whistle" - "SPLUURRGGHH!!"), we tried to enter the Brimaur stand.  I say
"tried" because for some unknown reason there seemed to be some unknown force
that stopped us from getting in (perhaps it was the large "No Pirates" sign
next to the door, I don't know), but anyway it didn't take Mack the Knife long
to discover, hidden by a stack of monitors, a folder containing free demo
software for the salesmen to hand out to prospective clients.  Who knows what
they contained, they were 1.2MB Maxell disks!  Several vanished within seconds.
    After removing some SCO UNIX badges from the Phoenix stand (serves then
right for kicking the Iceman off) and removing Mack the Knife from the
cheese-and-crackers stand, we moved to the IPC stand, whose salesmen knew next
to nothing about computers, and who watched calmly as the Iceman installed a
trapdoor onto their XENIX system, and then again as Charles Babbage examined
the password file.  Shortly beforehand, someone had questioned him about his
name: "Hey that name looks familiar.  Yeah, Charles Babbage, he's a plumber,
used to live across the road from us".  Thus is the level of technical
expertise of the average salesman.
    After tearing Mack the Knife away from his cheese and crackers, we were
rudely informed by the Master of the Arcane that it was time to depart.  And so
as we bid a sad farewell to the exhibitors, with heavy hearts and pockets
bulging with small articles to remember them by, we left the hall.  On the way
back, we stopped briefly to wash the Master of the Arcane's car windows for the
second time ever, and then gradually dropped various staff members off at their
respective dwellings, happily waving business cards, pens, pencils, disks,
badges, booklets, and various other computing paraphernalia, as we rode off
into the sunset.

      --- Watch out for Applied Telecommunications at Computing '90 ---
      
                                                            The Iceman.

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AUTHOR : Iceman(NZ)
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