326 lines
12 KiB
Plaintext
326 lines
12 KiB
Plaintext
From cate3.osbu_north@xerox.com Thu Sep 20 17:06:04 1990
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From: cate3.osbu_north@xerox.com (Henry Cate III)
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Subject: Alice in Digitaland, long, not sure where from
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----------------------------------------------------
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ALICE in DIGITALand
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"Where am I?" asked Alice, as she peered at the large 7-lettered sign
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with the standard blue letters.
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"You're in Digitaland," replied the security guard, "May I see your
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badge?"
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"I don't have a badge."
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"Did you lose it?"
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"No." answered Alice in a puzzled tone. "How could I lose something I
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never had?"
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"If it's not lost then you must show it to me."
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"I can't. I don't have one."
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"Then you'll have to have a temporary."
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"A temporary what?" asked Alice, more confused then ever.
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"A temporary Badge. What's your badge number?" requested the guard.
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"I don't have one"
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"Of course not, Ken Olsen has 1. Give me your badge number, and your
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cost center"
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"I'm so confused. I can't do this. I've already said 3 times why. Do I
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have to tell you 4?"
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"Ahhh. 3XY, badge number 4. You must be very important to have such
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a low badge number. I should have immediately recognized how low by your
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state of extreme confusion. Here's your temporary. Go right on in."
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Alice pasted the sticky paper to her dress and headed down the hall. Not
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10 feet ahead she saw a rather distressed looking rabbit coming toward
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her. He was dressed in a pair of torn, faded jeans, and a dirty tee
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shirt.
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"What's wrong?" Alice asked.
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"I'm late! I'm late!" exclaimed the rabbit as he peered at the pert chart
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dangling from his pocket protector.
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"Late for what?" asked Alice.
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"My date. I'm going to miss my date. I've got a deadline to meet and
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I'm not going to make it."
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"Well, if it's already dead, it probably won't mind. In fact it isn't
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likely to be going too far in such a state. I'm sure that however long
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you take will be just fine."
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"You obviously don't understand. Everything takes longer than it really
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does. It doesn't matter what you are doing, only that you meet your
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date, and that's always impossible."
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"Well if its impossible, why would anyone expect you to meet it?" Almost
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at once regretting that she had asked. Was this was going to be as
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confusing as badges?
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"Its really very simple. In order to move forward, you need a goal. Any
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goal will do. It just has to be impossible to do. To motivate the
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troops, you have to make goals very challenging. Its really only there
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to get a stake in the ground, you know. After that we march in step
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until we reach our objective. The date really doesn't mean anything.
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You simple have to understand that we are going to do the right thing."
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"But the if the goal is impossible, and really doesn't mean anything why
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are you trying to go there. Wouldn't it be simpler to first figure out
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what you are really going to do, then figure out how to get there?"
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"You obviously don't understand the process. And as I said before I'm
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late so there is obviously only one thing to do."
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"Hurry up and rush off?" Alice asked, hoping it would sound more like a
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suggestion than a question.
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"No. No. No. A meeting. Let find the Mad Manager and a number of
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involved, interested, or warm bodies."
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"That will obviously take a lot of time. I don't think you have any to
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waste.
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"No it won't. All we have to do is find a conference room. There are
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lots of them right over here."
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"But," started Alice, "those rooms are all full of people. Don't we
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need an empty conference room?"
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"Silly thought. If we want to find the Mad Manager and some meeting
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attendees, why would we look in an empty conference room? Anyway, its
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impossible to ever find an empty conference room."
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The rabbit took Alice by the hand, and promptly lead her into the
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largest, fullest conference room. Alice immediately noticed that the
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wastebasket was quite full of foam cups, and overhead projector bulbs.
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These people had obviously been here for a long time.
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At the head of the table sat a man with a rather funny suit wearing a
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large hat.
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"Why" whispered Alice to the rabbit, "is that man wearing that funny hat?
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Who is he?"
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"I'm the Mad Manager," answered the man at the end of the table,
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obviously overhearing the question, " And I'll be happy to tell you why
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I'm wearing this Hat, but that topic is not on the agenda."
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"Why don't we change the agenda?" asked a person in the corner.
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"Is that a topic for another meeting?" replied the manager.
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"Is what a topic for another meeting?" voiced a third. "The reason for
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the hat, or why we don't change the agenda?"
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"Why don't we take this off line?" queried another.
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"Does everyone agree that these are all topics we should address?" asked
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the mad manager.
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"Possibly so. " injected the person in the corner. "Could it be that we
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have a hidden agenda?"
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"Oh no!" the Mad Manager began, the dismay obvious on his face, "someone
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has hidden the agenda again! Let me put on my process hat and we'll see
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if we can work this issue."
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With that, he removed his rather amusing top hat, and place a big green
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fedora on his head.
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"Now, with my process hat on, I'd like to address the issue of the hidden
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agenda. Since we can't have a productive meeting without an agenda, it
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is up to all of us to find it."
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"But, " a voice from the corner piped in, "who is going to drive this
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issue?"
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"Do we have an action item here?" asked another attendee.
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"Does anyone here want to work this?" asked the mad manager.
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"Who originally brought this up?" asked another.
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"I believe that the woman who came in with the rabbit proposed this.
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Shouldn't she own it?"
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"Well" the Manager stated, pointing to Alice. "I'd say that this is your
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issue."
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"What issue. I don't have any issues. " retorted Alice, nervously
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fingering her temporary badge. "I only posed a simple question."
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"I'm not sure we can accept that," the manager declared. "We need a
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date."
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"But, " Alice began, remembering what the rabbit told her about dates,
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"a date is impossible."
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>From the back of the room another voice asked, "How about a date for a
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date?"
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"The least we can ask it that you give us a date when you will be able to
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give us the date for the date." stated the person in the corner.
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"I'm not sure I can do that," Alice opened, "since I don't know what I'm
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supposed to give you a date for. I'm having a problem trying to figure
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out what you want me to do."
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"We don't have any problems here, only opportunities!" Piped a chorus of
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voices.
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"It's really quite obvious," the mad manager declared as he reached
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behind him for a striped blue and gray beret, "let me put on my Digital
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hat for a moment," he continued doffing the fedora and flipping on his
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latest selection, "You must do the right thing."
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"Yes. yes. " chimed the chorus of attendees, "Do the right thing.
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"Now, who is keeping the minutes?" the manager asked as he pitched the
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beret and placed the fedora back on his head. "We need to record this
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action item so we can come back to it later."
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"We obviously can't deal with this issue until we can determine whose
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meeting this is?"
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"Should we schedule some time to cover that topic?" asked one of the
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attendees.
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"Whose going to drive this?" asked another.
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Just at the Mad Manager was pulling out a rather worn pith helmet, a
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voice in the back suggested "Let's take a break and work some of this 1x1
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off line"
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Being closest to the door Alice was the first to leave. She quickly
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dashed down the hall, and ran up the first flight of stairs she
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encountered, relieved to be free of the madness.
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When she opened the door the scene that confronted her made her wonder if
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returning to the meeting wasn't a bad idea. Seated around a large oval
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table were what appeared to be playing cards, each dressed in a gray or
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navy blue three piece suit. Around each neck was a rather oddly shaped
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handle (or were they nooses?) made of silk, or polyester.
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"Off with her head!" screamed the queen of hearts who was sitting at the
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head of the table. Alice noticed that her tie was silk, and each card
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seated near her was dressed in a suit and noose combination similar to
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the queen's.
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"Why would you want to remove my head?" Alice asked. By now she was
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feeling beyond confused.
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"It's not a modern, iconic, user friendly, menu driven, color, PC
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compatible user interface," replied the queen, in a tone that would need
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to come up two notches to be vaguely considered condescending.
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"It happens to suit me just fine," retorted Alice.
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"What are you an engineer or something?" asked the 7 of spades.
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"No, I'm Alice. Who are you?"
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"Marketing." they replied in perfect fifty-two part harmony.
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"And what is that?" asked Alice.
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There was a brief interlude of silence as each of the cards fidgeted with
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their ties, checked their watches and scribbled notes on the pads of
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paper contained in a handsome genuine imitation leather folder embossed
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with the company logo. Then one by one, as dominoes would do, they
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turned to the person on the left until they all stared at the queen of
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hearts.
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The queen cleared her throat, adjusted her tie a second time and stared
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directly at Alice. "We provide the strategic thinking necessary to grow
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the business."
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"Oh," said Alice, "you figure out what products to build!"
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"Heavens, no!" exclaimed the Queen, "That's too tactical. We feel its our
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job to develop the vision for the long term."
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"You develop things," began Alice, "so you build the products?"
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In unison each member of the table made a face reminiscent of the look a
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small child gets upon tasting spoiled dead roaches for the first time.
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"Uggggh, that's even more tactical," jeered the chorus.
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"No! No!" shouted the Queen. "You still do not understand. We take the
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pulse of the key market leaders demand curve."
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"I see now." said Alice, "You sell the products."
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By now the chorus of cards chanting "Tac-ti-cal! Tac-ti-cal!" was
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becoming too much.
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The queen was furious and repeated her original greeting. "Off with her
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head! Off With her head"
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"WAIT!" demanded Alice. "I believe I understand. You are all responsible
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for driving the solution opportunities for the key client supply
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perceptions through strategic vision management!"
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Alice wondered if she should add something about the claws catching, and
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frumious bandersnatches and thought that she'd best leave it at that
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before she became ill.
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"Yes," screamed the cards, "That's exactly right!"
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"And how, might I ask, do you accomplish these lofty and important goals?"
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"By calling a BOD," the queen responded.
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"And what, pray tell, might that be?" inquired Alice as she looked for
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the quickest escape route, hoping that this jabber would keep her head
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attached long enough to get out.
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"A Board of Directors", began the queen, just as Alice noticed the door
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to the left of the table. "Its a type of high level meeting."
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"A meeting????!!!!" exclaimed Alice. "Not another meeting!" With that
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she bolted for the door, no longer fearing for her head. Her only hope
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was that she make it through before the agenda hit the overhead. In a
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dead run, she passed through the door just as the projector lamp flicked
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on. The sound of the fan was the last sound to fade as the door closed.
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Breathlessly she looked up to see a large open area. Directly in front of
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her was an enclosed area lined on one side with triple chrome table. A
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stack of plastic trays was at the foyer.
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As she wandered through an assortment of sandwiches, prepared foods,
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soft drinks and salad began their daily spiel. "Eat Me! Drink Me! Eat
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Me!"
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"Oh no," answered Alice, "I may know nothing about dates, and problems and
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meetings and agendas, and marketing and badges, but I do know food. I'm
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not gonna touch any of you. After the morning I've had I deserve a nice
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cheese steak (no lettuce)!"
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With that, Alice opened the nearest exit door and left. A resounding
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high pitched whine sang its midday good-byes as Alice returned to the real
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world.
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----------------------------------------------------
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Henry Cate III
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--------------
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(ucbvax!xerox.com!cate3.osbu_north) OR (cate3.osbu_north@Xerox.Com)
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>From listening comes wisdom and from speaking repentance.
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