99 lines
5.3 KiB
Plaintext
99 lines
5.3 KiB
Plaintext
The Warning Signs Of InSaNiTy
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1. Your friends tell you that you have been acting strange lately, and
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then you hit them several times with a sledgehammer.
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2. Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places that
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you wouldn't expect tentacles to be growing from.
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3. You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around the bathroom.
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4. You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends
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you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.
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5. Every time you see a street sign, you have a tremendous urge to
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relieve yourself on it.
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6. You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward of
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evil dandruff spirits.
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7. You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for
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setting fire to his lawn decorations.
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8. Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death.
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9. People stay away from you whenever they hear you howl.
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10. Your breath smells more and more like squirrel dung each passing day.
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11. You laugh out loud during funerals.
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12. When your doctor tells you to say ah, you yell out "RAPE! RAPE!"
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13. Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you
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through that scuba mask.
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14. You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've
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stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going
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to one day seek revenge.
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15. You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.
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16. Your father pretends you don't exist, just to play along with your
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little illusion.
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17. You collect dead windowsill flies.
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18. Everytime the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel just got its
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wings!"
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19. You like cats. Especially with mayo.
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20. You scream "I've got a knife!" to people who try to sell you things.
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21. You scream "I've got a knife!" to people at your family reunion.
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22. You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island, because they
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weren't rescued.
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23. You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.
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24. Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds backwards.
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25. You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.
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26. You wake up each morning and find yourself sitting on your head in the
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middle of your front lawn.
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27. Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name
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etched on it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.
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28. Melba toast excites you.
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29. When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another
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room to tell him, because "the napkins have ears."
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30. You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells you.
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31. Every time you see the commercial for the Hair Club For Men, you think
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to yourself, "I think I'll kill the pope today."
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32. You call up random people and ask if you can borrow their dog, just for
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a few minutes.
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33. Your main goal in life is to become the president of Bulemia.
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34. Nearly everything you say involves the word, "P-toing!"
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35. You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala
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or to be loved by an infectious disease.
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36. You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and
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pretend that you're a stalk.
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37. You think that exploding wouldn't be so bad, once you got used to it.
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38. You try to make a list of the Warning Signs of Insanity. (cough)
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39. People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a
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violation of your rights as a boysenberry.
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40. You like reading lists like this. :) (The Paul Richter
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Special Edition Appendix)
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41. You sit in your room for hours on end listening to Peter, Paul & Mary
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and playing solitaire on your computer.
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42. You experience periods of time when your mouth can do nothing but sing
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"Mama's little baby loves short'nin', short'nin...."
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43. You begin to start almost every conversation with the introduction to
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_The A-Team_ theme song.
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44. You spend three hours sitting on the floor cutting and pasting a
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project for your COLLEGE English course, and you get
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really frustrated because you can't recall
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all the kindergarten-period skills that it requires.
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45. You check your e-mail about six times a day, only to find that nobody
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cares enough to send anything to you.
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46. You believe that Quayle would actually win the 1996
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presidentialelection.
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47. You read Anne Sexton's poetry for twelve out of any sixteen-hour
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period.
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48. You read Sylvia Plath to cheer yourself up, and when that doesn't work
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you pop _The Wall_ into the stereo...
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49. You think Popeye's anchor tattoo would look even better on YOUR
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forearm.
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50. You use Speed Stick Clear Ocean Surf Deodorant for the scent.
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51. You start appending a list like this, and you find yourself just going
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on and on and on and on...
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52. You start to repeat yourself.
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53. You start to repeat yourself.
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54. You start really stretching for bad jokes and cheap laughs.
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55. You recognize that you are doing so.
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56. You blatantly announce it.
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57. You keep looking in the Rap section at Tower Records trying to find
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that new M.C. Escher album.
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58. Your greatest accomplishment to date in your college career is your
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new-found ability to blow smoke rings.
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59. You resort to mass e-mailings as your sole means of unabashedly begging
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for attention.
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