textfiles/holiday/xmasraid.txt

Intrepid AEN Reporters Shawn Harold and Linda Thompson
AEN News (317) 780-5211, Fidonet 1:231/110
Dec. 23, 1994
Northpole Standoff

 
   A fierce battle ended in a stand-off today as a multi-jurisdictional
task force of federal law enforcement agents tried to arrest the leader
of a militant doomsday cult, who call themselves "Elves," living in a
heavily fortified compound at the Northpole. According to witnesses,
federal agents hid in livestock trailers as they drove up to the
compound.
 
   The approach was difficult in the snow using wheeled vehicles.
Several agents were reportedly thrown from the trailer when it hit a
snowbank.  The agents were unable to use dogteams and sleds because the
ATF agents shot all the dogs during training at a nearby recreational
facility where agents had practiced for weeks on a mock-up of the
compound in preparation for the raid.
 
   As three National Guard helicopters approached, over 100 law officers
stormed the main compound, a heavily fortified gingerbread structure,
throwing concussion grenades and screaming "Come out!" Cult members and
law officers negotiated a cease-fire about 45 minutes after the incident
began.
 
   For the next several hours, ambulances and helicopters swarmed the
premises.  The area was cordoned off and ATF agents with machine guns
were posted in the roadways to keep reporters at least two miles from
the main battle area.
 
   In a lengthy report on the group Saturday, The Northpole
Tribune-Herald said that the cult was known to have a large arsenal of
high-powered weapons, probably produced in a workshop disguised as a
"toy factory."  This toy factory is also believed to be the sight of a
mephamphetamine laboratory, according to sources inside the ATF.
 
   The article quoted investigators as saying the crazed cult leader,
who uses several aliases, "Santa Claus," "Saint Nick," "Sinterclaas,"
and "Saint Nicholas," age unknown, has abused children and claims to
have at least 15 wives. Santa Claus denies these accusations of abuse
and said he has had only one wife, Mrs. Santa Claus.
 
   Authorities had a warrant to search the Northpole compound for guns
and explosive devices and an arrest warrant for its leader,Santa Claus,
said Mess Stanford of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms in
Washington, D.C. Mr. Stanford added it would be useless to attempt to
get a copy of this warrant, however, because it had been sealed, "for
national security reasons."
 
   The assault came one day after the Northpole Tribune-Herald began
publishing a series on the cult, quoting former members as saying the
deranged cult leader, Santa Claus, abused children and had at least 15
wives.
 
   ATF spokesman Jack Killchildren in Washington said the assault had
been planned for several weeks, although he added, "I think the
newspaper's investigation set up heightened tension."
 
   The cult's fortress, called "The Toy Factory," is dominated by a
tower with lookout windows facing in all directions. Guards reportedly
patrol the 77-acre grounds at night.
 
   Attorney General Janet Reno ordered the raid after cult members
refused to surrender documents relating to national security.  A source
inside the Justice Department said that the documents were lists of
cabinet members and highly placed government officials who were naughty
or nice.  Despite preliminary, secret negotiations to obtain the list,
the Elves refused to surrender the document to the Justice Department.
 
   The raid was scheduled for December 23, because December 25 is
believed to be a traditional cult holiday and all the militant elves
would be engaged in cult rituals in preparation for the event.
 
   At a press conference this afternoon, Attorney General Reno
said,"These militants abuse children in the most vile manner, by
teaching them to expect charity.  They have even distributed free,
working replicas of 'assault weapons' and 'handguns.'   It is a matter
of dire importance to our future and the future of all our children,that
this peril be ended by every means at our disposal."
 
   She went on to say that "I do not want to surround the compound and
shoot everyone and then burn it to the ground in order to prevent this
child abuse from occurring again, but that appears to be our only
alternative."
 
   According to Reno, the "Toy Factory" itself is a sweatshop and
conditions inside were horrendous.  The Department of Justice is also
looking into allegations of animal cruelty.  Former members of the cult
have claimed that Santa Claus frequently uses leather restraints on at
least eight reindeer, housed in sordid conditions on the compound.
Witnesses reported seeing a reindeer with a protruding red nose, which
Janet Reno said was further indication of the abusive conditions inside
the compound.
 
   Several of the elves were reported by the BATF to have been carrying
automatic weapons. However, independant sources dispute this, claiming
that the "automatic weapons" were nothing more than large candy canes.
 
   ATF leader Ted Oyster, shaken after the ordeal, spoke to reporters as
hundreds of agents, many of them in tears, were taken away from the
Northpole in military airlifts, ambulances, and private vehicles.
 
   "We had our plan down, we had our diversion down, and they were
waiting..." Oyster said resignedly, shaking his head.
 
   A hospital spokesman said that most of the wounded ATF agents
appeared to be suffering from shrapnel wounds from broken candy canes,
as well as frostbite, apparently suffered from wearing forest-green
camoflage in the wintery terrain.
 
   Attorney General Reno offered no comment on these reports.
 
   Mack "the knife" McWarty was seen strolling across the White House
lawn,chuckling to himself as he read what inside sources say was a copy
of the naughty/nice list.
 
   One highly placed government official was found dead in Marcy Park.
His name and the cause of death are unknown at this time,however, the
White House immediately issued a statement claiming the official had
committed suicide after learning his name was not on the nice list.
 
   Patsy Thomahawk refused to comment on the advice of her attorney on
whether she had any part in removing copies of the naughty/nice list
from a safe in the White House.
 
   A spokesman from the MJTF said that it was indeed a tragedy that
Santa Claus had caused this confrontation, but this should be a lesson
to anyone who tries to give to everyone without permission from the
welfare department, and that gathering sensitive data without a permit
from official sources will be stopped by any means.
 
   FBI spokesman Bob Pricks, the former national Abortion Poster Child
of 1944, relayed that "We are dealing with a madman.  We have cut off
all electricity, water, and communications to the compound. Santa Claus
has demanded that we relay a message to the world.  It reads, 'Merry
Christmas to all and to all a good night.'  FBI psychological experts
are presently analyzing the message, however,preliminary reports
indicate this is an encrypted threat to invade the neighboring towns
near the Northpole.  It may also be a doomsday message that the cult
intends to commit suicide, like Jonestown."
 
   Shortly after the raid, a smiling Reno was seen strolling through the
pile of rubbish looking for anatomically correct Barbie dolls. She
claimed that she was going to confiscate any that she found as
"evidence" and that they were for a personal investigation that she was
conducting.
 
   Attorney General Reno also disclosed some information about plans to
raid Mr. E. Ster Bunny sometime next spring. According to the FBI's
report on Mr. Bunny, he has been hording food all year. This is in
direct violation of a secret Presidential Directive. "This ingratitude
for everything that we have done will stop, even if it means raiding
every house in the USA to enforce these new laws that were made to
insure your freedom...." Reno said.
 
   This, boys and girls, should make us all sleep just a little bit
better tonight. The government will protect us from overindulging in
freedom. If they didn't step in and take control of that "naughty/nice"
list, just think what shape we might be in.....
 
Merry Christmas to you all.