776 lines
34 KiB
Plaintext
776 lines
34 KiB
Plaintext
From jamiet@pawl.rpi.edu Sun Nov 18 01:06:16 1990
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From: jamiet@pawl.rpi.edu (James V. Tedeschi)
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Subject: 12 Letters of Christmas and other assorted Fun
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Summary: A compilation of Xmas humor, tis the season.
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since someone on the net asked for it, and it was lying in a file with
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lots of other Christmas, we present a file to long for mortal man to read
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in one sitting.
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Happy Holidays!
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Jamie
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/* ---------- "Twelve Thankyou Notes of Christmas" ---------- */
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THE TWELVE THANKYOU NOTES OF CHRISTMAS
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My dearest darling Edward, Dec 25
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What a wonderful surprise has just greeted me! That
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sweet partridge, in that lovely little pear-tree; what
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an enchanting, romantic, poetic present! Bless you, and
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thank you.
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Your deeply loving
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Emily.
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Beloved Edward, Dec 26
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The two turtle-doves arrived this morning, and are cooing
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away in the pear-tree as I write. I'm so touched and grateful!
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With undying love, as always,
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Emily.
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My darling Edward, Dec 27
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You do think of the most original presents! Who ever
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thought of sending anybody three French hens? Do they
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really come all the way from France? It's a pity we have
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no chicken coops, but I expect we'll find some. Anyway,
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thankyou so much; they're lovely.
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Your devoted Emily.
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Dearest Edward, Dec 28
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What a surprise! Four calling birds arrived this morning.
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They are very sweet, even if they do call rather loudly -
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they make telephoning almost impossible - but I expect they'll
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calm down when they get used to their new home. Anyway, I'm
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very grateful, of course I am.
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Love from Emily.
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Dearest Edward, Dec 29
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The mailman has just delivered five most beautiful gold
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rings, one for each finger, and all fitting perfectly!
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A really lovely present! Lovelier, in a way, than birds,
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which do take rather a lot of looking after. The four that
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arrived yesterday are still making a terrible row, and I'm
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afraid none of us got much sleep last night. Mother says
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she wants to use the rings to "wring" their necks. Mother
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has such a sense of humor. This time she's only joking,
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I think, but I do know what she means. Still, I love the rings.
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Bless you,
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Emily.
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Dear Edward, Dec 30
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Whatever I expected to find when I opened the front door
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this morning, it certainly wasn't six socking great geese
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laying eggs all over the porch. Frankly, I rather hoped
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that you had stopped sending me birds. We have no room
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for them, and they've already ruined the croquet lawn.
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I know you meant well, but let's call a halt, shall we?
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Love,
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Emily.
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Edward, Dec 31
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I thought I said NO MORE BIRDS. This morning I woke
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up to find no more than seven swans, all trying to get
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into our tiny goldfish pond. I'd rather not think what's
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happened to the goldfish. The whole house seems to be
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full of birds, to say nothing of what they leave behind
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them, so please, please, stop!
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Your Emily.
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Jan 1
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Frankly, I prefer the birds. What am I to do with eight
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milkmaids? And their cows! Is this some kind of a joke?
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If so, I'm afraid I don't find it very amusing.
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Emily.
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Look here, Edward, Jan 2
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This has gone far enough. You say you're sending me
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nine ladies dancing. All I can say is, judging from the
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way they dance, they're certainly not ladies. The village
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just isn't accustomed to seeing a regiment of shameless
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viragos, with nothing on but their lipstick, cavorting
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round the green, and it's Mother and I who get the blame.
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If you value our friendship, which I do (less and less),
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kindly stop this ridiculous behavior at once!
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Emily.
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Jan 3
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As I write this letter, ten disgusting old men are
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prancing up and down all over what used to be the garden,
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before the geese and the swans and the cows got at it.
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And several of them, I have just noticed, are taking
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inexcusable liberties with the milkmaids. Meanwhile the
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neighbors are trying to have us evicted. I shall never
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speak to you again.
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Emily.
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Jan 4
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This is the last straw! You know I detest bagpipes!
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The place has now become something between a menagerie
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and a madhouse, and a man from the council has just
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declared it unfit for habitation. At least Mother has
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been spared this last outrage; they took her away yesterday
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afternoon in an ambulance. I hope you're satisfied.
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Sir, Jan 5
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Our client, Miss Emily Wilbraham, instructs me to
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inform you that with the arrival on her premises at 7:30
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this morning of the entire percussion section of the
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Boston Symphony Orchestra, and several of their friends,
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she has no course left open to her but to seek an injunction
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to prevent you importuning her further. I am making
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arrangements for the return of much assorted livestock.
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I am, Sir, yours faithfully,
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G. Creep
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Attorney at law.
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Author unknown.
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***************************************************************
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'Twas the Month before Christmas,
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and in Framingham,
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I was following Tradition,
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with my blue pen in hand ...
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A long time ago, in a Galaxy far, far away, I was chartered
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to provide the musical entertainment at the office Christmas
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party. So I penned a few rewrites on some old songs and A
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Tradition was born. Published separately are the best from
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years past. And now I humbly publish and present ...
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CHRISTMAS 1988 - The Next Generation Begins
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***************************************************************
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Earlier this year I published "Surf Yuppie" (ttto "Surf City"),
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so it is only fitting that I start the festivities with ...
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"Surf Christmas" - by D M Goldstein, 1988
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(to the tune of "White Christmas")
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I'm dreaming of a Surf Christmas,
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Just like the ones from days gone by;
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Where the wave tops glisten, and surfers listen,
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to hear breakers twelve feet high.
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I'm dreaming of a Surf Christmas,
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to every Surf Dude I confide,
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Keep your board well waxed, and you'll fly,
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and "I gotta take that one last ride."
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***************************************************************
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"The Homeless Song (Reaganomics)" - by D M Goldstein, 1988
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(to the tune of "The Christmas Song (Chestnuts)")
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Homeless sitting by an open fire,
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Frost-bite eating at their toes;
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Uletide carols being sung by a choir,
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drive the kids to Overdose.
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(Everybody knows,) George Bush is our new President,
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and you know that isn't right;
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Democrats, with fear in their eyes,
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will find it hard to sleep tonight.
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They know that Reagan's had his way,
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He spent lots of dough, and bought lots of arms in his day;
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And every Mother's child has cause to fear,
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'Cause Repulicans have four more years.
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And, So, I'm offering this simple phrase,
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for men eighteen to thirty-three,
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although it's been said that there won't be a draft,
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get out of here; get out of here; find another Country.
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***************************************************************
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1
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***************************************************************
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I always like to include something dealing with Computer Games:
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(with thanks to Tiny Tim and the Orange Elves ...)
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"The 12 Levels of Rogue" - by D M Goldstein, 1988
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(to the tune of "The 12 Days of Christmas")
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On the first level of Rogue I killed a Dwarf, a bat,
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and a Kobold who almost killed me!
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On the 2nd level of Rogue I found a Shimmering Pool!
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I dipped my Broad Sword,
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'cause a Kobold had nearly killed me!
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On the 3rd level of Rogue I read a Scroll of Sleep.
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I slept for three turns
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with my plus-two Broad Sword
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'cause a Kobold had nearly killed me!
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On the 4th level of Rogue I found a Staff of Wood.
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Four shots of Drain Life!
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Sleeping for three turns, a plus-two Broad Sword,
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and a Kobold who almost killed me!
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On the 5th level of Rogue I got really lucky:
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Five Magic Rings!
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Four shots of Drain Life, Sleep three turns,
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a plus-two Broad Sword,
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and a Kobold who almost killed me!
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On the 6th level of Rogue a Shrieker called to me
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Six elves with Cross-Bows!
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Five Magic Rings! Four shots of Drain Life,
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sleep three turns, a plus-two Broad Sword,
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and a Kobold who almost killed me!
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On the 7th level of Rogue I killed a Troglodyte;
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Seven Excellent Hits!
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Six elves with Cross-Bows, Five Magic Rings! ...
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On the 8th level of Rogue I found a Magic Room
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with Eight Monsters Waiting! Seven Excellent hits, ...
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On the 9th level of Rogue a Rust Monster found me,
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brought my armor to Nine! Eight Monsters Waiting, ...
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On the 10th level of Rogue I quaffed a red potion,
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Experience Level Ten! Level Nine armor, ...
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On the 11th level of Rogue I took Inventory:
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Eleven Rations of Food, Experience Level Ten, ...
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On the 12th level of Rogue I fell into a Trap:
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Got Killed on level Thirty with
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Eleven rations of food, ...
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***************************************************************
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1
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***************************************************************
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And for those of you who find "The Season" much too hectic ...
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"I'll be Cloned for Christmas" - by D M Goldstein, 1988
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(to the tune of "I'll be Home for Christmas")
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I'll be Cloned for Christmas,
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there'll be three of me;
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One to Work, and One to Shop,
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and One just for Partys.
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Christmas Eve, I'm certain,
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I won't be alone;
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I'll be home for Christmas,
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or else I'll send a Clone!
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***************************************************************
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Every now and then someone else beats me to an idea ...
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"Wreck the Malls" - Bob Rivers' Twisted Christmas
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(to the tune of "Deck the Halls")
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Wreck the Malls this Christmas Seasons
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Fa-la-la-la-la, La-la-la-la;
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You don't need to have a reason
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Fa-la-la-la-la, La-la-la-la;
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Tamper with their P A System
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Fa-la-la, La-la-la, La-la-la;
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something something something something
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Fa-la-la-la-la, La-la-la-la.
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(I'll finish transcribing as soon as I get my stuff out of storage ...)
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***************************************************************
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Other titles under consideration:
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"Have Yourself a Merry Little Merger"
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"God Rest Ye, Merry Pentagon"
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"George Bush is Coming to Town"
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"The Bells of Dagoba" (for you Star Wars fans)
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and, "Knocking on Neighbors' Doors" (the Caroling Song)
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(ttto Knocking on Heaven's Door)
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***************************************************************
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/* ---------- "Christmas Songs 1983-1987" ---------- */
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***************************************************************
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Everybody in America, regardless of religious preference,
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has some sort of annual "Christmas tradition", be it going
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to the family homestead for Christmas Dinner, or going to
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the Mountains to talk to Alla whilst skiing ... I have a
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favorite annual tradition, too, and this is it ... - DMG
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***************************************************************
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The following is an excerpt from THE ALASKA DAILY NEWS ...
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Gnome, Alaska: Authorities today arrested a man
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impersonating the fictitious Santa Claus. "He
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was apprehended after several witnesses saw him
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leaving various houses carrying a large bag of
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goods during the holiday season," authorities
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said. Santa is being held on multiple counts of
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tresspassing, breaking and entering, burglary,
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emotional harrassment, disturbing the peace, and
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for having wild animals in a subrban neighborhood.
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Defense attorney Jack Frost states, "Have yourself
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a merry little Christmas." Defendant is expected
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to plead Mental Incapacity ...
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"Mr Santa Claus" - by D M Goldstein, 1987
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(to the tune of "Mr Bojangles")
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I met a man named Santa, and he'd pose with you,
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In a red suit.
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Silver hair, a red jacket, a long white beard,
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and big black boots.
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He'd fly so high, oh, he'd fly so high,
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and then he'd "Ho ho ho!"
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I met him in a Sears in Alaska, he was
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down and out.
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He looked to me to be the eyes of age,
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as he spoke right out.
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He talked of elves, yeah, he talked of elves,
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smiled, "Ho ho ho"'ed and stepped.
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(Chorus:)
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Mr Santa Claus. Mr Santa Claus. Mr Santa Claus. "Nick."
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He made toys for the girls and boys at County Fairs,
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throughout the South,
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He spoke in tears of eight reindeer, how they and him
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just flew about.
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Now they've all retired, oh, they've all retired,
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They stay home Christmas Eve.
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He said "They'd prance at every chance when they would land
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on roofs like planes,
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But most 'the time they'd sit around pole and play
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Those reindeer games."
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He shook his head, and as he shook his head
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I thought I heard a "Ho ho ho!"
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(repeat Chorus and end.)
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***************************************************************
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1
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***************************************************************
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I was going to have Dad take off with an elf, but ...
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"I Saw Daddy ..." - by D M Goldstein, 1987
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(to the tune of "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus")
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I saw Daddy kissing Santa Claus
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when we Christmas shopped last night.
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They didn't see me creep
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into the John to take a leak,
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they thought that they were all alone
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and so a kiss they sneaked. (oh,)
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I saw Daddy tickle Santa Claus
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underneath his suit of red and white.
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What a laugh it would have been
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if Mom had only seen
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Daddy kissing Santa Claus last night!
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***************************************************************
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My least favorite Christmas song of all time has got
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to be "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer". It's a story
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about how society rejected a freak until, overnight,
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he became famous. Then, all of a sudden, he's Mister
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Popularity. Pshaw! This is not the kind of lesson
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we should be teaching our children! So, in my humble
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manner, I offer you a song with a better lesson ...
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"Rudolph Revisited" - by D M Goldstein, 1986
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(to the tune of "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer")
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Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
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had a very shiny nose.
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Let me tell you a secret;
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it's from a drug overdose!
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All of the other Reindeer
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used to laugh and call him names.
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That is what drove poor Rudolph
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to escape into Coccaine.
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Then one foggy Christmas Eve
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Santa came to say,
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"Rudolph, we know what you've done."
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The police came and took him away.
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Now all the Reindeer are straight;
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they've given up PCP,
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quaaludes, and marijuana,
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and flying high on LSD.
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(Optional tag, to the tune of NOEL ...)
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No L, No L, No L, No L.
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None of the Reindeer do LSD.
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***************************************************************
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1
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***************************************************************
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"Santa Claus" - by D M Goldstein 1985
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(to the tune of "Rocket Man")
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I packed my bags last night for flight;
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Zero hour, one a.m.;
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And I'm gonna be high in my sleigh by then.
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I miss the Pole so much, I miss my wife;
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It's lonely out in space
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On such a famous flight.
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(Chorus:)
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And I think it's gonna be a long, long time
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before you get your gifts; you've yet to find
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I'm not the man you think I am at all,
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oh no, no, no; because I'm Santa Claus.
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Santa Claus, flying with my reindeer 'cross the sky.
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The Pole ain't the kind of place to raise your kids;
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In fact, it's cold as hell;
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But there's elves to baby-sit them if you did.
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And all these 'Go-bots' I don't understand;
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It's just my job one day a year.
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Santa Claus, I'm Santa Claus.
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(repeat Chorus and end.)
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***************************************************************
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"Donde Esta Papa" - by D M Goldstein 1984
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(to the tune of "Feliz Navidad")
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Police got my Dad, Police got my Dad,
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Police got my Dad and now he's rotting in County Jail.
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Police got my Dad, Police got my Dad,
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And they'll deport him if my mother can't make his bail.
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(Chorus:)
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I want to wish you a Merry Christmas,
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I want to wish you a Merry Christmas,
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I want to wish you a Merry Christmas from the bottom of my cell.
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(repeat.)
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(alternate first verse:)
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Donde esta Papa? Donde esta Papa?
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Donde esta Papa? Papa no esta aqui.
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(repeat.)
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***************************************************************
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1
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***************************************************************
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Ah, the quintessential Christmas gift for young minds: The
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Computer! And what's better to do with it but PLAY GAMES!
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"Computer Wonderland" - by D M Goldstein 1983
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(to the tune of "Winter Wonderland")
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Axes swing, are you listenin'?
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Gold and jewels, how they glisten.
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A beautiful sight, ADVENTURE at night,
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playing in Computer Wonderland.
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(Bridge:)
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In the KINGDOM we can feed the peasants,
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or plot our BIORYTHM for a year;
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Save the universe from Cylons playing STARTREK,
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or even try BACKGAMMON if you dare.
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Later on, we'll play WUMPUS;
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Zing those bats when they thump us.
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OTHELLO's just fine, I win every time,
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playing in Computer Wonderland.
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***************************************************************
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and from "Have a Jewish Christmas" (NOT by D M Goldstein)
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(to the tune of "Jingle Bells")
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The lights are being strung, The streets are full of cheer,
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The stockings have been hung, Christmas Time is here.
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Its joyous revelry and spirit capture you;
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"At Christmas Time it's hard to be a good religious Jew." ("Oy")
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(Chorus:)
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Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle night and day.
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It's "Yo-ho-ho" and mistletoe and Santa's on his way.
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Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, If Santa Claus is true,
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his joy is fun for everyone, but what's a Jew to do?
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He goes to synagogue, it doesn't matter which,
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He's Jewish and he's very proud, "I'd rather fight than switch."
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When Christmas Time is here, he wishes it would pass,
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"Last Sunday morning I got up and almost went to mass!" ("Oy")
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(repeat Chorus and end.)
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***************************************************************
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/* ---------- "SIGBEER 12/2/88 (A poem)" ---------- */
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SIGBEER COLLOQUIUM
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SPEAKER: Clement C. Morris
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Department of Annelid Studies
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Cornell University
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TITLE: The Worm Before Christmas: A poem
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TIME: December 2, 1988. 5:00pm
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PLACE: White Horse
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Green St. near 2nd (across from Champion Federal)
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Note: THIS IS DIFFERENT!
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ABSTRACT: A critical reading of the following poem will be presented.
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Discussion and refreshments will follow.
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"The Worm Before Christmas"
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by Clement C. Morris
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(a.k.a. David Bradley, Betty Cheng, Hal Render,
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Greg Rogers, and Dan LaLiberte)
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Twas the night before finals, and all through the lab
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Not a student was sleeping, not even McNabb.
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Their projects were finished, completed with care
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In hopes that the grades would be easy (and fair).
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The students were wired with caffeine in their veins
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While visions of quals nearly drove them insane.
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With piles of books and a brand new highlighter,
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I had just settled down for another all nighter ---
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When out from our gateways arose such a clatter,
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I sprang from my desk to see what was the matter;
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Away to the console I flew like a flash,
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And logged in as root to fend off a crash.
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The windows displayed on my brand new Sun-3,
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Gave oodles of info --- some in 3-D.
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When, what to my burning red eyes should appear
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But dozens of "nobody" jobs. Oh dear!
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With a blitzkrieg invasion, so virulent and firm,
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I knew in a moment, it was Morris's Worm!
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More rapid than eagles his processes came,
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And they forked and exec'ed and they copied by name:
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"Now Dasher! Now Dancer! Now, Prancer and Vixen!
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On Comet! On Cupid! On Donner and Blitzen!
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||
To the sites in .rhosts and host.equiv
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Now, dash away! dash away! dash away all!"
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||
|
||
] Note: The machines dasher.cs.uiuc.edu,
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||
dancer.cs.uiuc.ed, prancer.cs.uiuc.edu, etc. have
|
||
been renamed deer1, deer2, deer3, etc. so as not
|
||
to confuse the already burdened students who use
|
||
those machines. We regret that this poem reflects
|
||
the older naming scheme and hope it does not confuse
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||
the network adminstrator at your site. -Ed.(
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||
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And then in a twinkling, I heard on the phone,
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||
The complaints of the users. (Thought I was alone!)
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||
"The load is too high!" "I can't read my files!"
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"I can't send my mail over miles and miles!"
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I unplugged the net, and was turning around,
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||
When the worm-ridden system went down with a bound.
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I fretted. I frittered. I sweated. I wept.
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Then finally I core dumped the worm in /tmp.
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It was smart and pervasive, a right jolly old stealth,
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And I laughed, when I saw it, in spite of myself.
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||
A look at the dump of that invasive thread
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Soon gave me to know we had nothing to dread.
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The next day was slow with no network connections,
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||
For we wanted no more of those pesky infections.
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||
But in spite of the news and the noise and the clatter,
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||
Soon all became normal, as if naught were the matter.
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||
Then later that month while all were away,
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A virus came calling and then went away.
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The system then told us, when we logged in one night:
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"Happy Christmas to all! (You guys aren't so bright.)"
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||
|
||
|
||
] Note: The authors would like to apologize to Dave McNabb for any
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||
detrimental references to his sleeping habits or lack thereof.
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Unfortunately, they couldn't think of anything else that rhymes
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||
with "lab". -Ed. (
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||
|
||
/* ---------- "Dave Barry: Holiday Shopping" ---------- */
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||
*- CHRISTMAS SHOPPING: A SURVIVOR'S GUIDE -*
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||
|
||
-By Dave Barry
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|
||
Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that
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each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.
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||
In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians
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||
called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukka" and
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||
went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing
|
||
each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy Hanukka!" or
|
||
(to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!"
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||
|
||
These days, people say "Season's Greetings," which, when you think about
|
||
it, means nothing. It's like walking up to somebody and saying "Appropriate
|
||
Remark" in a loud, cheerful voice. But "Season's Greetings" is safer,
|
||
because it does not refer to any actual religion. Some day, I imagine, even
|
||
"Season's Greetings" will be considered too religious, and we'll celebrate
|
||
the Holiday Season by saying "Have a nice day."
|
||
|
||
Some of you may be unhappy with this dereligionizing of the Holiday
|
||
Season, and you may have decided that, this year, you're going to celebrate
|
||
it the old-fashioned way, with your family sitting around stringing
|
||
cranberries and exchanging humble, handmade gifts, like on "The Waltons".
|
||
Well, you can forget it. If everybody pulled that kind of subversive stunt,
|
||
the economy would collapse overnight. The government would have to
|
||
intervene: It would form a cabinet-level Department of Holiday Gift-Giving,
|
||
which would spend billions and billions of tax dollars to buy Barbie dolls
|
||
and electronic games, which it would drop on the populace from Air Force
|
||
jets, killing and maiming thousands. So, for the good of the nation, you
|
||
should go along with the Holiday Program. This means you should get a large
|
||
sum of money and go to a mall.
|
||
|
||
Unless you live in Indonesia, there should be several malls within five
|
||
miles of your home. It makes no difference whatsoever which one you go to:
|
||
Under federal law, all malls in the United States must have the same 42
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||
chain stores. You have your chain bookstores, your chain clothing stores,
|
||
your chain shoe stores, your chain restrooms, your chain electronic-game
|
||
arcades.
|
||
|
||
The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than
|
||
cities. Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and
|
||
difficult to park in. Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots, which are
|
||
also dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in, but - here is the big
|
||
difference - in mall parking lots, THERE ARE NO RULES. You're allowed to do
|
||
anything. You can drive as fast as you want in any direction you want. I was
|
||
once driving in a mall parking lot when my car was struck by a pickup truck
|
||
being driven backward by a squat man with a tattoo that said "Charlie" on
|
||
his forearm, who got out and explained to me, in great detail, why the
|
||
accident was my fault, his reasoning being that he was violent and muscular,
|
||
whereas I was neither. This kind of reasoning is legally valid in mall
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||
parking lots.
|
||
|
||
So when you get to the mall for your holiday shopping, the first thing
|
||
to remember is that you should not park in the parking lot and walk to the
|
||
mall buildings, because you will probably get killed. Instead, drive your
|
||
car right up to and, if possible, right into, the mall building. This is
|
||
perfectly legal; people do it all the time. In almost every mall I've ever
|
||
been to, the corridors were littered with cars, recreational vehicles,
|
||
snowmobiles and motorboats left by smart parkers.
|
||
|
||
Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you with
|
||
ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them. Holiday shoppers have
|
||
been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday advertisements, and they
|
||
will buy anything small enough to stuff into a shopping bag. If your
|
||
children object to being tied, threaten to take them to see Santa Claus;
|
||
that ought to shut them up.
|
||
|
||
Now you're ready for the actual shopping. Your goal should be to get it
|
||
over with as quickly as possible, because the longer you stay in the mall,
|
||
the longer your children will have to listen to holiday songs on the mall
|
||
public-address system, and many of these songs can damage children
|
||
emotionally. For example: "Frosty the Snowman" is about a snowman who
|
||
befriends some children, plays with them until they learn to love him, then
|
||
melts. And "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is about a young reindeer who,
|
||
because of a physical deformity, is treated as an outcast by the other
|
||
reindeer. Then along comes good, old Santa. Does he ignore the deformity?
|
||
Does he look past Rudolph's nose and respect Rudolph for the sensitive
|
||
reindeer he is underneath? No. Santa asks Rudolph to guide his sleigh, as if
|
||
Rudolph were nothing more than some kind of headlight with legs and a tail.
|
||
So unless you want your children exposed to this kind of insensitivity, you
|
||
should shop quickly.
|
||
|
||
Here is a very efficient shopping method: Divide the amount of money you
|
||
have by the number of people on your gift list to get an average dollar
|
||
amount per person. So if you have $160, and you want to buy gifts for 10
|
||
people, your average is $16 per person. Now find something that costs $16,
|
||
and buy 10 of whatever it is. You'll find many useful gifts in this price
|
||
range; for example, you could get 10 family-sized bottles of vitamin B.
|
||
Everyone, young and old alike, can use vitamin B, and your children are sure
|
||
to shriek with delight when they find it under the tree.
|
||
|
||
If you want to buy gifts that are a little more personal, you should
|
||
follow these guidelines:
|
||
|
||
Gifts for Men
|
||
|
||
Men are amused by almost any idiot thing - that is why
|
||
professional ice hockey is so popular - so buying gifts for them
|
||
is easy. But you should never buy them clothes. Men believe
|
||
they already have all the clothes they will ever need, and new
|
||
ones make them nervous. For example, your average man has 84
|
||
ties, but he wears, at most, only three of them. He has learned,
|
||
through humiliating trial and error, that if he wears any of the
|
||
other 81 ties, his wife will probably laugh at him ("You're not
|
||
going to wear THAT tie with that suit, are you?"). So he has
|
||
narrowed it down to three safe ties, and has gone several years
|
||
without being laughed at. If you give him a new tie, he will
|
||
pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you.
|
||
|
||
If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More than
|
||
once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set of tires.
|
||
|
||
Gifts for Women
|
||
|
||
Again, you should avoid buying clothes, but not because women don't like
|
||
clothes. The problem is sizes. First of all, women's clothing sizes don't
|
||
mean anything. Suppose you're looking at a dress, and the tag says it's a
|
||
size 14. You could measure that dress with every known measuring instrument,
|
||
checking for every known unit of measurement, and you would never find any
|
||
dimension that was 14 anythings long. Not only that, but you would never
|
||
find any dimension that corresponded to the same dimension on any other
|
||
size-14 dress. Not only that, but chances are you would never find any woman
|
||
in the entire world who would admit to being a size 14.
|
||
|
||
Another problem is color. Women do not see color the way men do. Suppose
|
||
several women are in a paint store, looking at a sample of orange paint. The
|
||
paint-can label may say "orange," and the paint may appear obviously orange
|
||
to a male, but the women will never use the word "orange" to describe it.
|
||
They will say things like: "It has a lot of blue" or "It's much too gray."
|
||
Don't ask me to explain it. All I know is, if a woman tells a man she'd like
|
||
a green scarf for Christmas, he'll go out and buy a scarf that he believes
|
||
to be green, based on his concept of "green," which he got from crayons in
|
||
the second grade. She will look at the scarf as if it were covered with
|
||
maggots, then show it to her friends and say: "I asked Harold for a green
|
||
scarf, and just look at what he got me." They'll all have a good laugh, and
|
||
she'll return it.
|
||
|
||
So the safest gifts for women are expensive little bottles of colorless
|
||
liquids, which are sold at cosmetic counters under names such as "Eau de
|
||
Water" and "Endless Night of Heavy Petting."
|
||
|
||
Gifts for Children
|
||
|
||
This is easy. You never have to figure out what to get for children,
|
||
because they will tell you exactly what they want. They spend months and
|
||
months researching these kinds of things by watching Saturday-morning
|
||
cartoon-show advertisements. Make sure you get your children exactly what
|
||
they ask for, even if you disapprove of their choices. If your child thinks
|
||
he wants Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You Can Rip Right Off, you'd
|
||
better get it. You may be worried that it might help to encourage your
|
||
child's antisocial tendencies, but believe me, you have not seen antisocial
|
||
tendencies until you've seen a child who is convinced that he or she did not
|
||
get the right gift.
|
||
|
||
(Copyright 1984 Knight-Ridder Newspapers)
|
||
|
||
|