104 lines
5.7 KiB
Plaintext
104 lines
5.7 KiB
Plaintext
Article 19964 of rec.humor:
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Path: ucdavis!ucbvax!agate!pasteur!ames!mailrus!cornell!batcomputer!itsgw!imagine!pawl7.pawl.rpi.edu!brazil
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From: brazil@pawl7.pawl.rpi.edu (Timothy E. Onders)
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Newsgroups: rec.humor
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Subject: 'Twas the Night Before Christmas
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Message-ID: <2127@imagine.PAWL.RPI.EDU>
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Date: 17 Dec 88 23:34:08 GMT
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Sender: news@imagine.PAWL.RPI.EDU
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Reply-To: brazil@pawl.rpi.edu (Timothy E. Onders)
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Organization: Central Services - Troy, NY
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Lines: 89
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Found on a PC at NASA:
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A VISIT FROM ST. NICHOLAS
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FOR READERS IN THEIR 23RD
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YEAR OF SCHOOLING
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'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the
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annual yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence,
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kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this
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potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus
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musculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of
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the wood-burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory
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pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric
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philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title
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of St. Nicholas.
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The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their
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respective accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious
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visual hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving
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rhythmically through their cerebra. My conjugal partner and I, attired
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in our nocturnal cranial coverings, were about to take slumbrous
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advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior
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portion of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance
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that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for
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the purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof.
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Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing
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the fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without,
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reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline
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aqueous precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian
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itself -- thus permitting my incredulous optical sensor to peruse a
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miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by an octet of
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diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a miniscule,
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aged chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent
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to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller. With his
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undulate motive power traveling at what may possibly have been more
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vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated
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loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and
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addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen ...
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"Now Dasher, now Dancer..." et al. -- guiding them to the uppermost
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exterior level of our abode, through which structure I could
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readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal
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extremities.
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As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was
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performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved
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-- with utmost celerity and via a downward leap -- entry by way of the
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smoke passage. He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebon
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residue from the oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated
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on the walls thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed
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largely to the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in
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a commodious cloth receptacle.
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His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his
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submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging
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amiability. The capillaries of his molar regions and nasal aptenance
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were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the
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former approximating the coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the
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latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry. His amusing sub- and
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supralabials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their
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ambient hirsuite facial adornment appeared like small, tabular and
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columnar crystals of frozen water.
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Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smokingpiece whose gray
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fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a
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decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than it was
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high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region
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undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical
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container.
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Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the
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aforementioned hosiery with articles of merchandise extracted from his
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aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle. Upon
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completion of this task, he executed an abrupt about-face, placed a
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single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ,
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inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith
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affected his egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage. He
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then propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a
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musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the
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antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement
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hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a common
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weed. But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately
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prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility: "Ecstatic
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yuletides to the planetary constituence, and to that self-same
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assemblage my sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and
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gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and dawn."
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