73 lines
3.4 KiB
Plaintext
73 lines
3.4 KiB
Plaintext
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Modern American Guide to National Holidays
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Holiday: Hangover Day
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Date: January 1st
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Purpose: This day is used by many to recover from hangovers that
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were acquired as a result of excessive partying the
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night before.
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Holiday: Savings Extravaganza Day
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Date: Third Monday of February
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Purpose: This day is used by merchants across the land to put
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everything they have in stock on sale. I think the
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merchants are just longing for the booming pre-Presents
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Day season when they have these sales in February.
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Holiday: Gardening Day
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Date: Fourth Monday of May
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Purpose: On this day, millions of surburbanites flock to their
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local garden centers to purchase plants to make their
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yards more cheery. In northern climes, it is also know
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as Tomato Transplanting Day, as there is little chance
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of frost damage after this date.
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Holiday: Fireworks Day
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Date: July 4th
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Purpose: Fireworks fill the skies on this day as neighbors
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alienate each other by setting off firecrackers and
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shooting bottle rockets back and forth. Extra
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friendship points are acquired by continuing the
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barrage after midnight.
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Holiday: Kiss Summer Goodbye Day
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Date: First Monday after the first Sunday of September
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Purpose: Millions of city dwellers flock to the country to enjoy
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one last weekend of fun-in-the-sun before cruel winter
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arrives.
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Holiday: Turkey Day
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Date: Fourth Thursday of November
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Purpose: Forcing massive quantities of food (especially turkey)
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into your stomach is the theme for this day. Many males
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and some females waste the afternoon away by watching
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football --- if they can stay awake with all that food in
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their bellies.
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Holiday: Mall Day
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Date: Friday after Turkey Day
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Purpose: Malls are overflowing with zillions of shoppers who have
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nothing else to do on this usually miserable day in late
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fall. This day marks the first day of the pre-Presents
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Day shopping spree. Merchants have been trying to get
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this day moved to sometime in October, but they have had
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little luck in doing so despite the fact that they put
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up Presents Day decorations earlier each year.
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Holiday: Presents Day
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Date: December 25th
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Purpose: This day is the hands-down favorite of kids across the
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land. It usually starts at about 5:00 AM if children
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live in the house. Kids tear into huge mounds of
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presents the have been lying underneath a gaudily
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decorated evergreen tree as soon as they can convince
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their tired parents to get up. The house is usually
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totally trashed by tons of gift wrapping by 8:00. Most
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of the cheaply built toys the children just had to have
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are no longer in working condition after sundown.
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-/Vuarnet International/-
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617/527.oo91
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24oo-16.8k HST/V32bis
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