261 lines
6.0 KiB
Plaintext
261 lines
6.0 KiB
Plaintext
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******* TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS ********
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XX LETTER #1
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MISS AGNES MCHOLSTEIN
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69 CASH AVENUE
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BEAVER VALLEY, COLORADO
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DECEMBER 14, 1985
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DEAREST JOHN:
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I WENT TO THE DOOR TODAY AND THE POSTPERSON DELIVERED A PARTRIDGE IN A PEAR
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TREE. WHAT A THOROUGHLY DELIGHTFUL GIFT. I COULD NOT HAVE BEEN MORE
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SURPRISED.
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WITH DEEPEST LOVE AND AFFECTION,
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AGNES
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XX LETTER #2
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MISS AGNES MCHOLSTEIN
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69 CASH AVENUE
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BEAVER VALLEY, COLORADO
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DECEMBER 15, 1985
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DEAREST JOHN:
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TODAY THE POSTPERSON BROUGHT YOUR VERY SWEET GIFT. JUST IMAGINE - TWO TURTLE
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DOVES! I'M DELIGHTED AT YOUR VERY THOUGHTFUL GIFT. THEY ARE JUST ADORABLE.
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ALL MY LOVE,
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AGNES
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XX LETTER #3
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MISS AGNES MCHOLSTEIN
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69 CASH AVENUE
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BEAVER VALLEY, COLORADO
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DECEMBER 16, 1985
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DEAR JOHN:
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OH! AREN'T YOU THE EXTRAVAGANT ONE! NOW REALLY, I MUST PROTEST. I DO NOT
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DESERVE SUCH GENEROSITY -- THREE FRENCH HENS. THEY ARE JUST DARLING, BUT I
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MUST INSIST, YOU HAVE BEEN TOO KIND.
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LOVE,
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AGNES
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XX LETTER #4
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MISS AGNES MCHOLSTEIN
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69 CASH AVENUE
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BEAVER VALLEY, COLORADO
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DECEMBER 17, 1985
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DEAR JOHN:
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TODAY THE POSTPERSON DELIVERED FOUR CALLING BIRDS. NOW REALLY JOHN, THEY ARE
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BEAUTIFUL, BUT DON'T YOU THINK ENOUGH IS ENOUGH? YOU'RE BEING TOO ROMANTIC.
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AFFECTIONATELY,
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AGNES
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XX LETTER #5
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MISS AGNES MCHOLSTEIN
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69 CASH AVENUE
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BEAVER VALLEY, COLORADO
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DECEMBER 18, 1985
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DEAREST JOHN:
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WHAT A SURPRISE! TODAY THE POSTPERSON DELIVERED FIVE GOLDEN RINGS. ONE FOR
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EVERY FINGER EH? YOU'RE JUST IMPOSSIBLE BUT I LOVE IT. FRANKLY THOUGH, ALL
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THOSE BIRDS SQUAWKING ARE BEGINNING TO GET ON MY NERVES.
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ALL MY LOVE,
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AGNES
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XX LETTER #6
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MISS AGNES MCHOLSTEIN
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69 CASH AVENUE
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BEAVER VALLEY, COLORADO
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DECEMBER 19, 1985
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DEAR JOHN:
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WHEN I OPENED THE DOOR THERE WERE ACTUALLY SIX GEESE-A-LAYING ON MY FRONT
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STEPS. SO YOU'RE BACK TO THE BIRDS AGAIN, HUH? THOSE GEESE ARE HUGE. WHERE
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WILL I EVER KEEP THEM? THE NEIGHBORS ARE COMPLAINING, AND I CAN'T SLEEP
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THROUGH THE RACKET. GIMME A BREAK EH? PLEASE STOP.
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CORDIALLY,
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AGNES
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XX LETTER #7
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MISS AGNES MCHOLSTEIN
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69 CASH AVENUE
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BEAVER VALLEY, COLORADO
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DECEMBER 20, 1985
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JOHN:
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WHAT'S WITH YOU AND THESE FUCKING BIRDS??? SEVEN SWANS A-SWIMMING. WHAT KIND
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OF GOD-DAMN JOKE ARE YOU PULLING HERE FELLA? THERE'S BIRD SHIT ALL OVER THE
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HOUSE AND THEY NEVER STOP WITH THE RACKET. I CAN'T SLEEP AT NIGHT AND I'M A
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NERVOUS WRECK. IT'S NOT FUNNY, SO STOP WITH THE DAMNED FOUL.
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SINCERELY,
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AGNES
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XX LETTER #8
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MISS AGNES MCHOLSTEIN
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69 CASH AVENUE
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BEAVER VALLEY, COLORADO
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DECEMBER 21, 1985
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OK BUSTER:
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I THINK I PREFER THE BIRDS. WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING TO DO WITH EIGHT MAIDS
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A-MILKING? IT'S NOT ENOUGH WITH ALL THOSE BIRDS AND EIGHT MAIDS, BUT THEY HAD
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TO BRING THEIR GOD-DAMN COWS. THERE'S SHIT ALL OVER THE LAWN, AND I CAN'T
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MOVE IN MY OWN HOUSE. JUST LAY OFF ME, SMARTASS.
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AGNES
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XX LETTER #9
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MISS AGNES MCHOLSTEIN
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69 CASH AVENUE
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BEAVER VALLEY, COLORADO
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DECEMBER 22, 1985
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HEY SHITHEAD:
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WHAT ARE YOU? SOME KIND OF SADIST? NEW THERE'S NINE PIPERS PLAYING. AND
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CHRIST, DO THEY PLAY! THEY'VE NEVER STOPPED CHASING THOSE MAIDS SINCE THEY
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GOT HERE YESTERDAY MORNING. THE COWS ARE GETTING UPSET AND THEY'RE STEPPING
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ALL OVER THOSE SCREECHING BIRDS. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? THE NEIGHBORS HAVE
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STARTED A PETITION TO EVICT ME.
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YOU'LL GET YOURS,
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AGNES
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XX LETTER #10
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MISS AGNES MCHOLSTEIN
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69 CASH AVENUE
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BEAVER VALLEY, COLORADO
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DECEMBER 23, 1985
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YOU ROTTEN PRICK:
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NOW THERE'S TEN LADIES DANCING. I DON'T KNOW WHY I CALL THOSE SLUTS LADIES.
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THEY'VE BEEN BALLING THOSE PIPERS ALL NIGHT LONG. NOW THE COWS CAN'T SLEEP
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AND THEY'VE GOT DIARRHEA. MY LIVING ROOM IS A RIVER OF SHIT. THE COMMISSIONER
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OF BUILDINGS HAS SUPOENAED ME TO GIVE CAUSE WHY THEY BUILDING SHOULD NOT BE
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CONDEMNED. I'M SICKING THE POLICE ON YOU, YOU CREEP.
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ONE WHO MEANS IT,
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AGNES
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XX LETTER #11
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MISS AGNES MCHOLSTEIN
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69 CASH AVENUE
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BEAVER VALLEY, COLORADO
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DECEMBER 24, 1985
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LISTEN FUCKHEAD:
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WHAT'S WITH THE ELEVEN LORDS A-LEAPING ON THOSE MAIDS AND LADIES? SOME OF
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THOSE BROADS WILL NEVER WALK AGAIN. THOSE PIPERS RAN THRU THE MAIDS AND HAVE
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BEEN COMMITTING SODOMY WITH THE COWS. ALL 23 OF THE BIRDS ARE DEAD. THEY'VE
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BEEN TRAMPLED TO DEATH IN THE ORGY. I HOPE YOU ARE SATISFIED, YOU ROTTEN,
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VICIOUS SWINE.
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YOUR SWORN ENEMY,
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AG
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XX LETTER #12
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LAW OFFICES
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BADGER, BENDER, AND COHOLO
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303 KNAVE STREET
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DENVER, COLORADO
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DECEMBER 26, 1985
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DEAR SIR:
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THIS IS TO ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR LATEST GIFT OF TWELVE FIDDLERS FIDDLING WHICH YOU
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HAVE SEEN FIT TO INFLICT UPON OUR CLIENT, MISS AGNES MCHOLSTEIN. THE
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DESTRUCTION, OF COURSE, WAS TOTAL.
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ALL CORRESPONDENCE SHOULD COME ADDRESSED FOR OUR ATTENTION. IT YOU SHOULD
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ATTEMPT TO REACH MISS MCHOLSTEIN AT HAPPY DAYS SANITARIUM, THE ATTENDANTS HAVE
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INSTRUCTIONS TO SHOOT YOU ON SIGHT.
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WITH THIS LETTER PLEASE FIND ATTACHED A WARRANT FOR YOUR ARREST.
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CORDIALLY,
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BADGER, BENDER AND COHOLO
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...AND TO ALL A GOOD-NIGHT.
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JULIA
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X-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-X
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Another file downloaded from: NIRVANAnet(tm)
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& the Temple of the Screaming Electron Jeff Hunter 510-935-5845
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Rat Head Ratsnatcher 510-524-3649
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Burn This Flag Zardoz 408-363-9766
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realitycheck Poindexter Fortran 415-567-7043
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Lies Unlimited Mick Freen 415-583-4102
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Specializing in conversations, obscure information, high explosives,
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arcane knowledge, political extremism, diversive sexuality,
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insane speculation, and wild rumours. ALL-TEXT BBS SYSTEMS.
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Full access for first-time callers. We don't want to know who you are,
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where you live, or what your phone number is. We are not Big Brother.
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"Raw Data for Raw Nerves"
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