110 lines
5.3 KiB
Plaintext
110 lines
5.3 KiB
Plaintext
[\ Title /] how To Find And Eliminate FEDS
|
|
[< Date >] 9/10/87
|
|
[/ Time \] 4:08 pm
|
|
|
|
|
|
F E D S
|
|
-------
|
|
HOW TO FIND AND ELIMINATE THEM
|
|
|
|
(kinda sounds like a surface-to-air missle, doesn't it? hmm...........)
|
|
|
|
Since the birth of the first illegal telecommunications hobbiest, there has
|
|
always been one very serious and deadly risk.... the fed.
|
|
|
|
FED (fed) n.: 1. An employee of the Federal Bureau of Inves-
|
|
tigation. 2. One who reports his friends to said
|
|
bureau. 3. Past tense of feed.
|
|
|
|
(Can you say "fed"?..... I knew you could.............)
|
|
|
|
We now know what a fed is, in every sense of the word. However, the
|
|
big problem is in recognizing the fed in his natural habitat, and being
|
|
able to neutralize him. And that's what we are here for.....
|
|
|
|
WHERE THEY LIVE
|
|
---------------
|
|
|
|
It is a well-known fact that feds are not paid too extremely well. In
|
|
fact, very badly. Feds are usually not found in the back country of Greenwich
|
|
or Darien, unless on assignment. It's more like Bridgeport.... downtown. But
|
|
they are not without luxuries! The Bureau will provide them with just
|
|
about anything they need for a case, espescially when they are undercover.
|
|
And that includes computers for catching us hackers and phreaks.... of
|
|
course the bureau doesn't see the difference between a Commodore VIC-20 and
|
|
an Apple //e or an IBM Pc-AT... "a computer is a computer! Why spend $3000
|
|
on a system when we can do as well with one for $199.99 (at Caldor)?" Also,
|
|
feds do not have applecats or any other modem with 1200 baud capability. It
|
|
costs too much.
|
|
|
|
Feds can be found in almost every major bbs system in the country. They
|
|
are the ones who keep asking the "famous name" pirates for warez, and
|
|
post none of their own. Yes, the fed is the ultimate leech. They are also mis-
|
|
taken for 12-14 year-old leeches, but sysops can usually tell that something
|
|
is wrong when a 13-year-old who "just started last week" is typing faster
|
|
than the fire rate for an UZI submachinegun.... and uses words like
|
|
"extenuating", "viable", and "situation normal". The typical 13-year-old fol-
|
|
lows the real leech's guide, with "k00l", "<``l", "rad", "l8t0r", and
|
|
"do you have this...?"
|
|
|
|
THE FED'S CAR: American, usually pre-catalytic converter. This includes
|
|
Ford Mustangs from 1965-1972, although most can't afford those. When travel-
|
|
ling in packs for "pickup", they will usually be found in black Cadillacs
|
|
and/or Ford sedans. Have also been known to use a van for big busts and
|
|
transportation for confiscated systems.
|
|
|
|
WHERE THEY HANG OUT: Sprint, MCI, Telediscount, AT&T, ESS, and Metro (?)
|
|
Security offices.... Police Stations... Large BBS's... Gay Bars... You know...
|
|
|
|
WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE: Usually no shorternever leave without their Bausch &
|
|
Lomb aviator glasses... tinted black. Hair is straight, parted on the left,
|
|
usually brown or black. Clean-shaven or moustache. No beards! Usually weigh
|
|
from 175-200 pounds. Ever see a fat fed? They don't exist! Finally, all
|
|
feds wear Seiko quartz analog watches on their left wrists, waterproof to
|
|
150 meters and 3 atmospheres (another business expense... the higher-ranking
|
|
agents get rolex's.)
|
|
|
|
Well, now we know what a fed is and what he looks like. Now, how do
|
|
you get rid of him? What's that you say? Insect repellent? Hmmm.... no, I
|
|
don't think so. Interesting idea though... maybe mace. No, they're mace-
|
|
proof... part of the training. You have to be more forceful than that.
|
|
|
|
TECHNIQUE #1:
|
|
------------
|
|
|
|
When the feds knock on your front door (they never sneak in the back),
|
|
run up to the room right above the door. Open the window and pour boiling
|
|
oil on them. Then throw a match....>poof!< Step 2: Call your hacking
|
|
friends over and have a barbecue....feds are best well-done.
|
|
|
|
|
|
TECHNIQUE #2:
|
|
------------
|
|
|
|
Invite them in for coffee and doughnuts. Feds can never refuse that.
|
|
They practically live in Dunkin Donuts all across the country. In fact, J.
|
|
Edgar Hoover founded Dunkin Donuts! Then you have several choices....
|
|
1} poison the coffee and donuts;
|
|
2} whip out your handy-dandy sawed-off 8-gauge shotgun and blow their f**king
|
|
brains out;
|
|
3} glue them to their chairs (krazy glue works best), and torture them
|
|
to death by pouring fire ants into the front of their underwear. Remember
|
|
to gag them so as not to disturb the neighbors.
|
|
|
|
TECHNIQUE #3:
|
|
------------
|
|
|
|
Tried but true... as they open the door, strafe them with an M-60 machine-
|
|
gun which you have mounted on the dinner table. Makes for an interesting
|
|
centerpiece. Also, hurl a few grenades and/or Molotov cocktails along with
|
|
the bullets... "now that's a fire!!!" But you may want to be careful with
|
|
how many explosives you throw. You don't want to ruin mom's flower garden!
|
|
|
|
Well, that ought to hold you guys for a while. One last thing I should
|
|
mention.... if you do succeed in wiping out the feds who visit you, I'd sug-
|
|
gest moving... Antarctica is a nice place this time of year. The point is,
|
|
feds are like weeds. You can get rid of the first bunch of 'em, but they
|
|
always grow back faster and in greater numbers than before. I'd make sure that
|
|
the Lear jet is fueled and waiting on the runway..... Good bye, Good luck,
|
|
God bless you...... he's the only one who'll be able to help you now...
|