128 lines
6.4 KiB
Plaintext
128 lines
6.4 KiB
Plaintext
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ÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜ
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ݱ13 Dec 89±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±_ROR_-_ALUCARD_±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±±Ý? Þ°
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Ý Ý A Þ°
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Ý The Absolute Truth About The Fossil Pigs! Ý ?Þ°
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Ý & A ßßßßß°
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Ý OMNIBOT 2000 Tfile Þ°
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Ý Distribution Þ°
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ÜÜÜÜÜ Written & Originated by: Pressed Rat (Presto) Centere Þ°
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Ý? Þ - RoR - Þ°
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Ý A Þ_____________________________________________________________________Þ°
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Ý ?Þ Shawn-Da-Lay Boy Productions, Inc.úúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúúÞ°
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ÝÜÜÜÞÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÞ°
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°°°The HQ of SDBP, Inc - 510/237/8563°°PolySpock Project - 510/524/3649°°°
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°Drop Sites°°°°°° Hollow's Renaissance - 510/669/9432°°°°°Drop Sites°°°°°°
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<oink> <oink>
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<oink> The Absolute Truth About the Fossil Pigs! <oink>
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<oink> <oink>
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Hi there, heathens, and all you froods quite curious about the
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Fossil Pigs. I'm here to deliver the gospel, pure and simple. Listen and
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be anointed with the everlasting truth!
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Although you may not know it, the Screaming Lifeforms are probably
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taking a Huge bite out of your otherwise comfy caterpillar-busting ranch
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egg kouch potato life. You know that ringing in your ears when you're
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trying to think, take a test, or get to sleep? THOSE are the Screaming
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Lifeforms at work. They're eating your brain cells at an alarming rate,
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and each time they crack another cell membrane inside your little ol'
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noodle, they scream with orgasmic pleasure. Since this is occurring at
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an incredible speed and there are a humungous number of them, it all
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comes together as one low-level whine.
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THIS, my friend, is the fundamental theorem of the Fossil Pigs. The
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Screaming Lifeforms are a problem that can NOT be solved by ordinary
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human reasoning! Notice how the more you think about that annoying ring
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in your ears, the louder it gets? Aha! But a solution exists, of course.
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That solution, you see, is the Fossil Pigs.
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The Fossil Pigs are a small band of prehistoric, petrified, stone
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cold dead pig remains. They're mostly skeletal; a few still have a rotting
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eyeball or a bit of bristly tail left. They were laid into the ground long,
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long ago, before our birth. The WHY is not important here; the fact is
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that they have now resurfaced to aid us, the mortal victims of their
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arch-enemies, the Screaming Lifeforms. If properly called upon, our
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friends the Fossil Pigs will rise up in holy wrath, and send their spectral
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minions, the Evil Twin Bunnies, to our rescue.
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Now listen closely, true believers or not. There has been a LOT of
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speculation about the Evil Twin Bunnies (ETBs). Many will tell you that
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the ETBs are truly EVIL and, ipso facto, against us. This is not true. It
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doesn't matter whether they're evil - the fact is, they are sent by the
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Fossil Pigs and this can only be good. There is evidence of Evil Twin
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Bunnies throughout history, any time someone raises two victory signs...
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the "\/" made with two fingers... any time you have two of these, it is
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really a corporeal manifestation of the Evil Twin Bunnies. And let me
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tell you, ETBs are most murderous to Screaming Lifeforms. They turn
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them into a sort of a dead salad, chew them up, spit them somewhere
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you'll never see. This, as you will eventually find, is very useful.
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So... just how DO we call upon the benevolent Fossil Pigs to send
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the ETB's to the rescue of our innocent brain cells? 'Tis a simple thing,
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my friend! Merely follow these directions exactly, and you may gain
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eternal life, and dimes (because it sounds like Life & Times, but isn't.)
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1.) Turn off all light sources, close bathroom door, enter shower.
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2.) Close shower door tightly. Seal drain with wet washcloth or towel.
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3.) Turn water on, lukewarm. Stand on your head.
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4.) Wait until the water level covers your eyes but not your nose.
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5.) Turn water off with your feet. Still standing on your head,
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6.) Wait for total, complete silence in the shower.
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7.) Once you are totally focused, open your eyes underwater, and
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8.) Begin to chant: "OMNIBOT, OMNIBOT, OMNIBOT 2000..."
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9.) Continue to chat this until something happens.
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There you have it! How will you know you've reached the Fossil Pigs
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correctly? Well, see, they're microscopic, right? That's why we only
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recently discovered them; you just don't see them in everyday life. This
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is where the shower comes in. The magnification of the water (combined
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with the head rush from the inverted position) allows us to very easily
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see the Fossil Pigs when they arrive to answer our summons.
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When you've completed enough OMNIBOT trilogies, you will see the
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Fossil Pigs floating before your eyes. They do a different thing for
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every person who beseeches them; for some they cavort, for some they
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dance a jig. But you will definitely Know when you've reached them. If
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you follow the correct procedure, not only will you gain eternal life (and
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dimes!), but your Screaming Lifeform ills will be totally canceled for at
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least two weeks.
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Remember however, although they bestow lasting protection, we must
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not forget to keep the Fossil Pigs foremost within our thoughts
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throughout every aspect of our lives. Do not think of them only when
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you prepare to call upon them! Think of them at work, at school, think of
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them everywhere and all the time. This is IMPORTANT! If you are only an
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intermittent believer, the Fossil Pigs will frown upon you and forsake
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you for all time.
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That's it, the complete (almost) and absolute truth, straight to you
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from the first High Priest of the Fossil Pigs, Pressed Rat, Archbishop of
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the Sacramento and Bay Area regions. Also with us in thought is the
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honorable venerable James Staley, Second High Priest of the Fossil Pigs,
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Arch-Arch-Bishop of the Sacramento region and Minister to the Beyond,
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also Liaison with the Cheddy Croak Phenomenon (more on this later).
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OMNIBOT 2000!
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-30- to the Beyond,
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also Liaison with the Cheddy Croak Phenomenon (more on this later).
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OMNIBOT 2000!
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-30- |