89 lines
4.5 KiB
Plaintext
89 lines
4.5 KiB
Plaintext
The Penultimate Rap
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or
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The Next Step Is Free Verse
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...By the Silver Ghost
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"It's time to write a file," proclaimed Thomas Covenant, White Gold Wielder
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and Man In Control Of Other People's Access Levels. Wishing to retain my co-
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sysop access, I grovelled [cf. "Tuna Interview," Lunatic Surfer] until he
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seemed satiated, and then I retreated into the den of the computer. I sat
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poised over the keyboard as AE Pro booted, and continued to poise for a while
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longer, contemplating topics. Then, inspiration struck. While normally I
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listen to pink noise while I write (it's very relaxing--try it), for some
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reason I had decided to be strange and listen to Top 40. As the melodic
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strains of some three-chord song faded into the DJ's rapid-fire gibberish, I
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heard the opening bass line of some one-chord song fade in. I sat bolt
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upright and quickly transcripted what I could decipher of Run-DMC's "Walk This
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Way," to be used as notes. (I had to research the topic, you understand.)
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What I found out was this:
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(1) you need to know how to rhyme "walk," "talk,", "knee," and "me";
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(2) the walking bass should not walk, it should jump up and down on
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a pogo stick;
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(3) it is preferable to have two or three people sing, so that if one of
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them forgets a line, the others can cover for him.
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But the real revelation was yet to come.
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I have been told by reliable sources (well, Isaac Asimov anyway) that many
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young, talented authors simply read science-fiction for years, and then simply
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sit down and simply dash off a best-seller or two. Well, okay, not THAT many.
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Okay, very few. Okay, Asimov. But that's not the point. The point is...(what
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WAS the point?)...oh yes, the point is that that story is a marvelous analogy
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of what I revelationized while listening to Run-DMC:
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ANY FOOL WITH A MICROPHONE, A SPEAKER STACK, TWO DRUMS, AND AN AMP CAN
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MAKE MUSIC.
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More to the point:
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ANY FOOL WITH THE AFOREMENTIONED EQUIPMENT CAN GET RICH.
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Even more to the point:
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FAST.
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Without bothering to think (I work better that way), I grabbed my thesaurus
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and rhyming dictionary off the shelf and threw them into the garbage disposal.
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As it gnawed happily on them, my fingers flew frantically over the keys. This
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is what I wrote:
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Nso flegm icnorphanaaz. fringl nigzlmum bump/
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I then positioned my digits on the home row and began to write. The
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following isn't copywrited, and if you're a budding musician and would like to
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set it to (stifle a giggle) music, go right ahead. Punctuation serves as
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an indicator of where to pause. To help you figure out the rhythm (there are
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pick-up beats everywhere), the first accented syllable of every line is cap-
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italized. Abusus usum non tollit.
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---:::---:::---:::---:::---:::---:::---:::---:::---:::---:::---:::---:::---
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_
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Deathtongue presents: "RAPMASTER BATES"
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Let's FACE it, boy, you know he's better than you:
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He's SEXy and he's black, and he's overbearing too.
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He SUED for eighty thousand, 'cause someone said he's gay
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And he DOESn't like to brag, but he'll do it anyway.
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He's CHIC and he's relaxed, and he's suave and debonaire;
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His LOVer gave him herpes and he doesn't even care.
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HE'S the one, on which you want to place a wager
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He's an UNdergrad at 'Tech with a dynamic-fluid major.
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Yes HE'S the one, on which you want to place your bets;
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HE's so, cool, that he can even scratch cassettes.
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(Scratch scratch scratch. Uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh.)
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I'm the BEST it's true, and it is obvious to me
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That ALL my raps, clearly are superiority
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I USE the longest words, of anyone in town;
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If NECessary I will use my adjectives as nouns.
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(Scratch scratch scratch. Antidisestablishmentarianism.)
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But THOUGH he's so fine, and though he's so cool,
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And THOUGH he bought a mansion with a heated indoor pool,
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He's MORal and he's couth and he has a good time,
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And he'd NEVer tell our youth to go commit a crime,
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And he DOESn't like to fight, 'cause he says it's no big deal;
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He SENT in applications for the House-keeping Seal
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So he REAlly would appreciate not being in a trial;
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So IF you're gonna murder please don't do it in the aisle.
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(Scratch scratchity scratch. Yep yep yep.)
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---:::---:::---:::---:::---:::---:::---:::---:::---:::---:::---:::---:::---
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Call Thieves' World FIDO, a haven for the havenless. . . . . . . . 616/344-2718
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Thank you! Thank you all! Groupies always welcome! EOF!
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