257 lines
11 KiB
Plaintext
257 lines
11 KiB
Plaintext
"Take two."
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PHido PHreaks PResent...
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Outtakes
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By the Silver Ghost
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The following three text files are half-baked. That is, I got about
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halfway through them before I quit and started baking something else. Thomas
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Covenant, wonderful ego-booster that he is, stopped by my house, read them
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(in forty columns on my II+) and said "Hey! You should make an outtakes
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file! These are really good!" Normally, I'm too modest, shy, and fearful of
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criticism that I'd lock these away in the closet, never to be seen again.
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but a kind word can bring me out of the closet. (No, wait a minute, hold the
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phone. I didn't mean it that way! ARGH!)
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A Day in the Life of G.I. Joe, part intravenous. Er, part IV.
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By the Silver Ghost (whose mind is rapidly regressing)
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Okay yesirree Bob, this little-bitty g-phile that I started over a month
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ago is STARTING to get out of hand. If it were my choice, I'd end it after
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part III, because I'm really tired of it and would rather do something like a
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Dungeons & Dragons parody. But there are about three more jokes I'd like to
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see in print, and I'm getting pressure from various lobbying groups to finish
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it...so here you are. Expect it to end in G.I. Joe, part V.
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Now--there are some of you who are complaining about minor, insignificant,
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totally useless details. Like that fact that Lady J's lover is really Flint,
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and that Duke really likes Scarlett, and that Gung Ho was in the radio room
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with Quick-Kick two minutes after he was knocked into a coma and given 14
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minutes to live. Well, all of that was intentional. Really. I just wanted
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to see if you were on your toes. There is now a G.I. Joe, part III, part II,
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with Roadblock in the radio room instead of the decapitated Gung Ho, and...
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well, you'll just have to see how I resolve the Lady J/Duke affair. (I love
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suspense.)
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And, of course, there is yet another commercial. Fade in about 30 seconds
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before the announcer says "Now, back to G.I. Joe."
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[Fade into a beautiful pastoral landscape, done in light tones of pink,
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yellow, blue, and other stereotypical feminine colors. The background is a
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painting of a field of flowers--nothing else--with a flowery tree in the
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middle. Cue the sappy stereotypical femenine music. As it starts, a cartoon
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baby horse dances across the screen.]
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Choir (all female): My little pony, my little pony...
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Announcer: Now, My Little Pony has a new suprise!
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[Fade the painting away, send the cartoon off the page, and show four or
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five eight-year-old girls playing with 2-inch-high My Little Ponies. They
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giggle incessantly, and each one keeps showing her Pony to everyone else, as
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as if everyone else didn't know what it looked like. Point the parabolic
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microphone at each girl in turn.]
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First Girl: Ooh, My Little Pony, you're so nice!
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Second Girl: I love you, My Little Pony.
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Third Girl: Aren't the My Little Ponies just so-o-o soft and loveable.
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Fourth Girl: Oh, yes. My Little Pony, I love you, My Little Pony.
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[Shades of Duke and Lady J!]
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Announcer: Now, My Little Pony comes with a Birth Certificate!
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All Girls: Yeah! Wow! All right! A Birth Certificate!
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First Girl: Totally awesome! [This is still in a stereotypical eight-year-
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old's voice. The idea is to appeal to all the eight-year-old nerds in the
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audience, and make them think that if they have a My Little Pony, they too
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can be Totally Awesome.]
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Second Girl (showing her Pony's Birth Certificate to everyone): Look at my
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Birth Certificate, everyone!
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Everyone (in a hushed whisper): Oooooooooo!
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[Fade back to the pastoral scene, then back to G.I. Joe.]
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Announcer: Now, back to G.I. Joe!
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Government Issue Joe, Part Fore
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By the Silver Ghost
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Commercial: Open onto a rocky sort of plain, with "He-Man" playing in the
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background. Some kid, aged sixteen going on eight, is holding up a He-Man
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doll and pretending to talk like He-Man. Another kid is holding up a
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Skeletor doll and is talking out of the side of his mouth, like Bogart
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sort of. Well a little like Bogart anyway.
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He-Man: Give up, Skeletor! You don't stand a chance!
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Skeletor: Nonsense, He-Man! I can beat you with my eyes closed!
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He-Man: You don't have any eyes.
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Skeletor: Like I said...
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He-Man: But that's not the point! The point is, I have the Rockions on my
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side! [Gestures to two rocks, which stand up and become the dreaded
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Rocklord and Rocklady.]
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Skeletor: Ha ha ha! But I have the Stumpions! [Two stumps stand up.]
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He-Man: Yeah, well, I have the Grassions. [The grass shuffles toward Skeletor.]
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Skeletor [grasping at straws]: Uh...er...what about the Muddions! You forgot
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the Muddions! They're mine now! [Mud starts oozing toward He-Man.]
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He-Man: You know, he's right. But I have something better.
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Skeletor: NOTHING is better than the Muddions! Ah hahaha.
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He-Man: You're wrong. I have the script-writer on MY side.
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[Skeletor, the Stumpions, and the Muddions scream and flee in panic.]
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He-Man: It just goes to show you...evil doesn't stand a chance against the
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powers of the marketing division.
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[Fade to black.]
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Announcer: Now back to G.I. Joe!
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[A quick plot summary is in order...here it goes. Don't blink. First, the
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hospital bed.]
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Gung "Yes I'm still in a coma, with seven minutes to go" Ho: Ohhh...
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Scarlett: Oh...oh Gung! [Tears are just about to trickle down her cheeks.]
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[Next, the control room.]
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Quick-Kick: Check every single radio frequency in the known universe! The
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transmitter HAS to be on one of them!
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Roadblock: Right. To check every single radio frequency in the known universe
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on this piddly little Joe receiver would take all, night.
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[Next, Snake Eyes.]
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Snake-Eyes (looking upset): [He still doesn't say anything, but he's upset
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because the Crimson Guard has escaped his clutches.]
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[Next, Duke and Lady J.]
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[No! Never mind! Scratch that! Duke and Lady J, uh, aren't doing, uh, anything
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interesting! No, nothing that you'd care to know about. Nothing to see
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here, folks. Move it along.]
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[Next, the REAL action. Wild Bill and everyone have, during the commercial,
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found Cobra Commander, Destro, Zartan, the missing Crimson Guard, the Baron-
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ess, and in fact every villain ever depicted in the series in the main chamber.
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Villains: Co-BRA! (They all charge to attack, laser pistols blazing.)
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Real Live Dorks
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By the Silver Ghost
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The following are actual quotes from various BBSs in the <616> area. They are:
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Hal-World I (344-2436), Proto Vision (343-7721), Third Pentacate (344-4767),
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and The Underground Empire (327-8394) but NOT The ?Insanity Zone? [On-Line
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Karate, trillions of G-philes, billions of wares] (375-6422), which is so cool
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that no Dork would ever even know the number.
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Dorks need to be classified. The first type is the Wishy-Washy Dork, who
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doesn't really have an opinion, but he'd like people to think that he does.
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Numb ->4
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Sub ->Fuck you
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From ->FLINT FIREFORGE (#19)
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Date ->03/21/86
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Nice title eh? Well, MM, don't worry about it, go ahead and die, you have not
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contributed to this war...just watched...WEll, that is ok I guess, anyways...
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Later
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Flint
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Then there is the Annoying Dork, who you can't really get pissed at...just
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annoyed. (Note: M.M. is normally an OK guy. This is just an example.)
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Numb ->8
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Sub ->I couldnt
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From ->MIDNIGHT MANIAC (#9)
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Date ->03/09/86
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.s
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The Confusing Dork is, well, uh, confusing. Enough said.
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Numb ->9
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Sub ->X1 isn't
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From ->THE ASSOCIATION (#46)
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Date ->03/11/86
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that the Isle of Dread (because you Dread to use the module?) Some of those
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BR modules look good (don't judge a module by the cover) anybody know what
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quality they are (or do the orcs have a Bloody good time ol chap?)
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done
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If you play AD&D, you will understand the plight of the poor DM, when
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confronted with the "I have a 26 Dex" Dork.
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Numb ->2
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Sub ->shit!
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From ->FLINT FIREFORGE (#19)
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Date ->03/24/86
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Oh shit, well, I have had enough of those damn Barbs...First I will slowly
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reach down and get a dagger, in the other hand, I will have my magic sword
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ready, I will try to stab one with the dagger in the nuts, and the other I will
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throw up my sword as fast as I can and yell lightning (or whatever the word was
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from before!)...then, I will jab them with some of my spikes!
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Later
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HELP!!!!
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Flint
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Some Dorks ramble. Note the progression of this one.
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Numb ->23
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Sub ->I
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From ->THE ELECTROCUTIONER (#13)
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Date ->03/28/86
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WILL TAKE MY BROTHER (MAGNET) IN MY RAD
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TRIUMPH (TR7),THATS RIGHT I OWN A MINT
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CONDITION (TR7) HA,HA,HA.SO YOU WILL
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RECOGNIZE US TWO TOTALLY COOL DUDES
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ARK
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IN MY RAD (TR7) THATS A SPORTS CAR
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IF YOU DID NOT KNOW AND ITS A DARK
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GREEN. NOW I THINK IAM RIGHT BUT
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SOFTWARE HOUSE CLOSES AT 8pm. ON
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FRIDAY'S,BUT IF WE GO THERE FIRST
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WE MIGHT JUST GET TO HUNGRY AND NOT
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ENJOY OURSELFS (UNLESS YOU EAT A SNACK
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BEFORE YOU GO). IF WE GO TO BILBO'S
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FIRST WE MIGHT BE THERE A LONG TIME
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TALKING,AND THE SOFTWARE HOUSE WILL BE
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CLOSED AT 8pm. SO I VOTE ON GOING TO
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THE SOFTWARE HOUSE FIRST (EAT SOMTHING
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IF YOU MUST) THEN WE CAN GO TO BILBO'S.
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VOTE "YES" IF YOU LIKE THIS IDEA ON
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APRIL 11th AT 5pm.
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THE ELECTROCUTIONER
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That last can also be classified as the "I have a social life, honest,
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trust me, it's true" Dork, easily identifiable by the "I have a (TR7) yes
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that's right a (TR7) and you don't, nyah."
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But back to the business at hand. All previous were from 3rd Pentacate--
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Here comes The Underground Empire.
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RESPONSE # 10 By MICKEY MOUSE
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Apr 27, 1986 16:34
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Really jewel you were born. Yer kiddin
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I always thought that they had to dig
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for ya!!!!
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guess that one learns somethin' new
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every day, even if it makes one sick.
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The Ever so Awesome..
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M I C K E Y
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M O U S E
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and her companion...
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B R A T
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R A T
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RESPONSE # 5 By TORAD
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Apr 26, 1986 21:55
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hey count!! where have you been????
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torad the powerful
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(i wish i hope i pray)
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RESPONSE # 2 By G-FORCE
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Apr 25, 1986 19:36
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Remember this, Jewel my dear:
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"Sometimes you just gotta say,
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'What the f*ck."
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RESPONSE # 4 By TORAD
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Apr 26, 1986 21:58
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hey count!!! is that where you've been?????
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torad the powerful
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(i wish i hope i pray)
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RESPONSE # 5 By COUNT FLOYD
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Apr 27, 1986 7:23
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No....actually I have been around
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the world blowing up disco bars and
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American installations.....of course
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I was having exams! What else can
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you do in Kazoo?
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Count Floyd
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# 7 "The Bunker"
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By VIDEO VIGILANTE
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On Apr 26, 1986 22:49
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Introducing......
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//////////////////////////////////////
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T H E
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B U N K E R
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//////////////////////////////////////
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Starts Monday april 27, at 8:30
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Hours are from 8:30-9:30
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+/- The Video Vigilante +/-
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