140 lines
7.1 KiB
Plaintext
140 lines
7.1 KiB
Plaintext
It Could Happen To You
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By the Silver Ghost
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[Author reserves the right to be sexually discriminatory. If you're female,
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feel free to substitute the words "she" and "her" wherever you think they
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should be inserted, or to switch "Father" and "Mother" around. If you have
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THAT much of an Oedipal complex, I'm not even gonna fuck with you.]
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Yes, divorce happens to real people, not just your friends from school.
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Remember those Judy Blume books you read in fifth grade, the ones with titles
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like "The Family Next Door" and "Please, God, Make The Six-Foot Purple Toads
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In My Bedroom Go Away". In simplified, fifth-grade school-censored language,
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these books described the hilarious effects of drugs, abortion and divorce.
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Well, if you ever see Judy Blume, thank her for me. Because divorce really
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IS funny, if you can ignore the pain, humiliation, confusion and twisted
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emotions. Think about it; what two same, rational human beings would actually
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have conversations like this:
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Father: I'm sick and tired of your fucking shit!
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Mother (crying): It's not MY fucking shit.
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There are several ways to realize beforehand that this potentially humor-
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filled situation is about to enter your home, and several ways to exploit it
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to your fullest advantage. The best way to deal with a cloud of gloom
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descending onto your happy household is to spot Parents' Ploys, and to know
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how to deal with them.
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-:- Parental Ploy #1: Getting the kids on their side -:-
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Have you ever been having a real, gut-wrenching, heart-to-heart talk with
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one of your parents, when suddenly the other walks in the door? Conversations
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go like this:
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Father: So, son, what do you think of the Cubs this year?
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You: Oh, I think they've got a chance.
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(Mother walks in.)
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Mother: Son, I want you to know that I love you just as much as your father
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does. (Mother walks out.)
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How To Deal With It: Play parents off against each other. If you can get
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one to take you out to eat, the other will take you to Chicago. Then the one
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will take you skiing in Denver, the other will get you Bon Jovi tickets, etc.,
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etc. Pretty soon you'll be set for life.
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-:- Parental Ploy #2: Subtle-like hints -:-
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These hints can be verbal or non-verbal, and directed either at parents or
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at children. Sometimes they aren't so subtle, and sometimes they're shot
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indiscriminatorially at both parents AND children. One of my mother's
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favorite tactics, for instance, is to leave library books lying around with
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provocative titles like "Life As A Widow", "Coping With Remarriage" and "How
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To Get Rid Of A Scumbag". My father prefers to leave out the Yellow Pages,
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opened to "Lawyers".
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How To Deal With It: Leave subtle hints of your own around the house. Leave
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the paper on the kitchen table, opened to the "Divorces" section. Develop a
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fascination with the works of Judy Blume. When a parent asks, "What happened
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in school today?", respond casually with, "Oh, John's father shot his mother
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last night. Nothing interesting."
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-:- Parental Ploy #3: Breaking it gently -:-
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Your parents aren't necessarily stupid. Sooner or later, they'll realize
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that if the neighbors can hear them shouting at each other, you probably can
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too. At that point, they face a decision: they can officialize their
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arguments with you (sort of like registering a car), or they can continue to
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ignore you. Usually they choose the former, as it provides an opportunity to
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use Ploy #1:
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Father: Son, we're really sorry about the broken glass, the blood and the
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generally uninhabitable environment we've forced you to live in for the
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last two years. It's just that your mother isn't able to control her
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temper. It's very hard for me to say this, but...well...it's possible
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that your mother and I shouldn't live together.
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How To Deal With It: DON'T, under ANY circumstances, make witty comments
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like "I want to live with whoever gets the Porsche." They will immediately
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realize that you don't take this whole thing seriously, and they will just as
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quickly call lawyers, sign papers, rent apartments, and--BOOM!--you're a
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commuter. No, the way to do it is to look as serious as possible, cry if you
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can, and (through sniffles) explain, "...well...it's possible that living
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through Armageddon could emotionally scar me a trifle."
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-:- Parental Ploy #4: Taking it out on you -:-
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Here's where we get sober. While it's easy enough to ignore a decibel level
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echoing through your house that rivals Metallica, it's not so easy to ignore
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being grounded. Most people don't think the two are related. Well, they're
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wrong. Example dialogue:
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Mother (to father): I don't love you anymore, and I'm moving off to Hollywood
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with a gas station attendant named Chico. Goodbye forever. (Exit mother.)
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(Enter you.)
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You: Hi, dad, how's it going. Can I have the car tonight?
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You can fill in your father's reply. Suffice it to say that his answer will
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be no, and though you changed his mind about "borrowing" his radar detector
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without asking, about cheating on your English final exam and about the ten
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hits of acid under your bed, you won't change his mind this time. The main
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reason for this is that while you talked him over to your side of the problem
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the last three times, this time you won't be able to, because you won't be
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able to talk to him. He'll be booking flights to southern California and
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cruising around gas stations, beating up Mexican people.
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How To Deal With It: Keep out of their way when you hear anything abnormal,
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like some peace and quiet (they're usually speaking in cold whispers). If
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it's unavoidable that you speak to a parent who's angry about something else,
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give the parent a big hug and kiss and tell them you love them. Watch Out!
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With an emotional parent, this may turn into a ten-minute-long hug.
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Therefore, try to make your requests as early as possible. In a worst-case
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scenario (you can't get a word in edgewise), sneak off with the car, and
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leave a note to the effect of, "I can't bear staying in this war zone any
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longer. Taking the car. Be back before next year." You'll have to listen to
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a lecture when you get back, and maybe you'll be swept up in a Long
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Discussion, but the punishment is a lot lighter than if you took the car
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"without reason".
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Coping with life on the front lines can be difficult. Above all, the key is
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to keep a sense of proportion. Remember that just about anything that's
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broken can be replaced or repaired, and that you'll laugh about the whole
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thing sometime. How do I keep a cheerful attitude? I remember that (at the
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time of this writing) I am exactly five months and twelve days away from going
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off to college and leaving my parents behind forever (barring Christmas,
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Thanksgiving and tuition-time). What if you plan to reside at home, instead
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of in a dorm? Think of it this way: eventually you'll meet some girl, and the
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two of you will go off and get married and live together. One way or another,
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you'll get out of your parents' home.
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Do you suppose that you and this girl will...argue?
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Nawww...
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Oh well, at least suicide's always a viable option.
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-:-
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