164 lines
7.4 KiB
Plaintext
164 lines
7.4 KiB
Plaintext
/============================================================================\
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\ /
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/ Anarchy in your local supermarket \
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\ /
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/ By The Slipped Disk with a few stray suggestions by The Outland \
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\ Member of The 99th Percentile /
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/ \
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\ Call Milliways 10Meg/AE/Cat-fur...........................(609)/921-1994 /
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/ \
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\ Your definitive file on how to cause utter destruction in those areas /
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/ which are totally responsible for the downfall of free trade and life \
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\ in suburban america. Continue reading this file only if you have a true /
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/ and undying hate for these little factories of communism. \
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\ /
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/ (Created with extreme pride on 1/3/86 for all to enjoy) \
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\============================================================================/
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Introduction
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\=-=-=-=-=-/
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If you already haven't figured it out, I hate supermarkets. What really has
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me going is how, just recently, I've been going to the local supermarkets and
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seeing them sell magazines, books, records, stationery, and other non-food,
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non-important objects. I have this creeping feeling they're taking over.
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WE MUST DESTROY THIS OVERPOWERING AND DESTRUCTIVE MENANCE!
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So read on, brave pioneer, and take these suggestions for the downfall of
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this...this...COMMUNIST PLOT!
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Mega-Disclaimer
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\=-=-=-=-=-=-=/
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I don't know what the hell having a non-commital paragraph is going to do,
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because if they haul my ass into court because of Johnny Carpenter in Butfuck
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NJ blowing up his Waldbaums, I'm not going to have shit for a defense by saying
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"Well, I had this K00L paragraph in the beginning saying I have nothing to do
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with him". But anyway, I claim NO fucking responsibility for anything you
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little pudfucks do with the twisted, sadistic ideas that I come up with and
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present in this, or any other fucking rag I decide to stick this in.
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Getting started
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\=-=-=-=-=-=-=/
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Before you begin having a little anarch-fest, you gotta find the place where
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you're gonna do all this. Here are a few suggestions of excelent targets.
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(Note: I'm not sure, but as far as I can tell, not all of these supermarket
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chains are nationwide, so if you don't recognize them, find one of your own.)
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Grand Union: The heart of evil. This place is selling everything, with
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seemingly nothing but the intent of having a monopoly on commerce.
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Waldbaum's: The only nice thing about this place is their brand of ice
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cream.
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Price Chopper: They think people will believe their title.
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Pathmark: Someone, somewhere, a programmer thinks he's "K-K00L" for making
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that computer commercial for these schmucks.
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Shop-Rite: Shop-wrong. Nuff said.
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A&P: Asnine and putrid, if you ask me.
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After choosing your target, you should dress for the occasion. Bring no
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special equipment, if the target store deserves your "services", you will get
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all you need within the store. Convenience is the name of this game. So, all
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you should have to do is dress like a very meek individual. No camuflauge suit
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with mountain boots and a switchblade, please. If you look like someone even
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slightly seedy, all suspicion falls on you. Blend in. Things work better from
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the inside.
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And of course: Ideas!
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\=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-/
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Here are some suggestions for an afternoon of fun at your local spuermarket:
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Let's start off with one of those shopping carts that lie indescriminately
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around the parking lot and in the front of the store. Try sending one of these
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mothers reeling down an aisle and going to another aisle to hear the crash when
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it hits a pile of cans or an unsuspecting shopper. Loads of fun!
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Another fun thing to do is, if the parking lot happens to have an incline,
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send one of them flying down towards the car entrance, hitting that little
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station wagon coming in for "fun savings". Send down about 10 of them towards
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the entrance, they'll think it's an act of god!
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Or, take away ALL the shopping carts, and:
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1) Park them in front of the home of your choice
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2) "Donate" them to a competing supermarket
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3) Set up a roadblock on the highway.
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4) Put them on the roof of said supermarket
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5) Stack them together in the cute way they work, with about 5 friends heave
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that sucker on end, and voila! A monument to communist supermarkets!
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When in the aisles, time to play war! Take a few boxes of "G.I.-Joe" cereal
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and start whipping them over the sides, into the neighboring aisles! Leave the
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box partially open and REALLY make a fucking mess! Remember, the shoppers are
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your enemy, so make some puritan-oil/super sugar crisp grenades and hurl them at
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the scum!
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Pickles, I've been told, have a liquid in there that corrodes metal if left
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long enough. How fun! Let's use those for grenades also! Imagine, corroding
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those damn aisles.
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Baby food fun. Take a Gerber baby-food bottle or ten, and use them for ammo,
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and throw them suckers at either some little prude down the aisle, or towards
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the offices in A&P's. The boss will get a great surprise for the day. A few
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lobbed at some dippy cashier will send them screaming too. Take a few more, go
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to the frozen food section, and bust the glass from a far away distance. That'll
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get their attention, along with the fact this is going to defrost the food, and
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melt the ice-cream. Gerber has more uses than Arm-And-Hammer.
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Let's go to the beverage aisle. Take the one-liter bottle or the cans, shake
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like hell, and either replace or step on them and throw them at anything that's
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moving or not moving. Watch the explosion of coke that sticks to anyone and
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anything.
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Find some iodine salt, go to the fresh fish section, and pour! Everyone's
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gonna wonder why the fish tastes like beef jerky. Or leave it open for a great
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salt grenade.
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On we go to the toppings. Opening some chocolate frosting, and wing that
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sucker at somone. Instant walking shit!
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Eggs! Nature's grenades! Let's take out that aisle sign!
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If, by this time, you're having trouble with the employees (Several dozen of
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them are chasing after you screaming "HEY, ASSHOLE!") pick up some frozen pizza,
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being careful not to cut yourself (remember the glass?) and use it as an
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anti-personal weapon. Open the box, wow! A killer frisbee!
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Ending the mission
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\=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-/
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About this time, you should think about getting out of there. Grab some large
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pieces of fruit when you whip around the fruit section, and head towards the
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entrance. When you turn towards one of the door, fling one or two of the pieces
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at the large front windows. Then fling the rest back at your pursuers (you will
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most likely have a few) and GO FOR THAT FUCKING DOOR!
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AND YOUR FREE!
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Note: I have yet to see anyone do anything like this, so I'm not going to
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stand behind the usefulness of this thing. Do whatever you want. ENJOY!
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- The Slipped Disk
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/=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=\
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\ /
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/ ( This has been a 99th Percentile Presentation, I think. \
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\ \ /
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/ _\___ I don't belong to any groups, which could be good or bad, but \
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\ /_____\ Perhaps some group would want to take me in. I seriously /
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/ doubt it if I keep writing useless bullshit like this one. \
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\ /
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/=========================================================================\
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