126 lines
6.5 KiB
Plaintext
126 lines
6.5 KiB
Plaintext
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_______________________________________________________________________________
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_ _ _ _
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((___)) ((___))
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[ x x ] cDc communications [ x x ]
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\ / presents... \ /
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(` ') (` ')
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(U) (U)
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Geek: The Saga Continues
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by The Pusher
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>>> A CULT Publication......1988 <<<
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-cDc- CULT OF THE DEAD COW -cDc-
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_______________________________________________________________________________
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Special thanks to all the geeks at school who give "Punk Rock drug dealers"
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like myself something to write about.
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The alarm went off. Joey woke up.
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"Damn! My Aquaman Underoos are wet. I musta been dreaming about Lita
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Ford."
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Joey stumbled into the bathroom, pulled his now damp Aquaman Underoos to
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his knees, kneeled down on the cold bathroom floor, and starting doing the
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Five Knuckle Shuffle.
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"Oh, Lita... Kiss ME Deadly!"
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Joey is now on the bus. He is wearing a jean jacket with a Guns N' Roses
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patch sewn on the back, a W.A.S.P. shirt, a pair of ripped jeans (actually a
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pair of jeans with perfect circles cut out by a pair of scissors. A failed
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attempt to make them look "authentic."), and a pair of Reeboks. ("Mom, if you
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buy me the new Bon Jovi album I'll wear the Reeboks Aunt Susan got me!) And of
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course, 2 dollars Mommy gave him for lunch. (Despite the fact that Joey is 17
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years old, and a Senior in high school, he's a wimpy spoiled rich shit who
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could never handle any sort of job. Oops. Sorry. This is supposed to be an
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impartial file... sure...)
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Joey starts to tell all the Freshman metalhead geeks a variety of lies.
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"Yah, I got backstage passes for oZzY."
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"I have the new Ratt album. I know someone who works for the record
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company. I'd give it you, but he'd bust me, and I'd be thrown in prison, since
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I got busted last year at the Cinderella concert for beating up a few guys."
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"I know Nikki Sixx. He comes over for White Castles every few weeks. My
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dad saved his life in Vietnam."
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And of course, the Freshman metalhead geeks believe Joey, because
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they're...Freshman metalhead geeks!
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Finally, despite the fact that the bus driver was stoned to the gills on
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pharmaceutical cocaine, the bus arrived at school. Joey met his friend, Chris,
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(or "Metal Maniac" as Joey calls him because Chris once threw a M-80 at Bruce
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Dickinson of Iron Maiden), in their first period class, European History. The
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teacher, Mr. Drunkfux asks:
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"What Carthagian general led a hoard of elephants over the Alps in 218
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B.C?"
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"Eddie Van Halen!" shouted Joey.
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The whole class moaned and agreed silently, "What a FUCKING GEEK!"
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And so this is basically how the day goes for Joey... making stupid
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comments, annoying the class, insulting girls, and failing classes. ("All
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Metalhedz get F's!" That's a real smart philosophy,Joey, think about it when
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you're working Grill #2 at Wendy's....)
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Until lunch.
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While he's walking to a table with his lunch, Adam, a regular at the
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hardcore shows ("Nerds with green hair" according to Joey), accidentally knocks
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into Joey, which causes a few dark brown french fries to fall to the floor.
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("Whadda ya mean burnt? They're crispy!" say the lunch ladies...)
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"Um... sorry, it was an accident."
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"You fucking punk rock cokehead dick face! Do you want me to kick your
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fucking ass?"
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"Actually... yes. I want you to kick my ass."
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"Don't fuck around with me, asshole. I've got a fucking 3 foot long fuck-
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ing Rambo knife. I'll fucking knife you! I will."
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"Joey?"
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"What, dipshit?"
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"Look down."
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"Why?"
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"Just look down."
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Unfortunately, Joey is stupid enough to look down and wakes up a few
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minutes later with a swollen lip. The lunch ladies pack him off to the nurse,
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where Joey starts to rant and rave about killing Adam's family with a "big
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fucking M-60 Rambo gun". ("I did it last year at camp. No shit!")
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After taking Joey's temperature 4 times, the nurse sends him home. School
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ends soon after, and Chris (the "Metal Maniac") shows up at Joey's house.
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"Dude, I heard someone beat you up."
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"He attacked me from behind with a steel pipe. I say we get Mark and the
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Wildman (Another of Joey's friends. They call him the Wildman because he stole
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the Homecoming Queen's assignment pad last year. But Joey doesn't know that
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the entire offensive line of the football team then proceeded to annihilate the
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"Wildman" so bad that he still has some faint bruises on his face. And in his
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groin area, where she got her revenge.) and kick his ass after school."
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"Sure dude, we'll do that."
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(The following conversation about Slayer should be credited to Swamp Rat,
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my Bovine brother.)
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"Are you going to see Britny Fox next week?"
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"Are you kidding, dude? They're touring with Slayer! I heard they eat
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dead babies!"
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"They do! I also heard they pick some one out of the audience and the
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lead singer takes out a knife and carves "666" into the guy's arm!"
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"No shit, dude! They're Satanic Devil worshipers. My mom would never let
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me go."
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"Hey, wanna get stoned?"
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"Yah, dude! Lets get high. Get the magic markers!"
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Joey puts a Kingdom Come tape in the stereo, and gets his Dayglo Magick
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Mahkers (tm).
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"Here Chris, take a Red!"
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"Snnnnnnnnort!"
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Joey and Chris spend the rest of the day snorting magic markers, and
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listening to Lenny "no, we don't have any Led Zeppelin records" Wolf and the
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rest of the dudes from Kingdom Come.
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Of course, everyone knows that while magic markers smell nice 'n' tasty,
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you'd have a better change of getting stoned on compact disc cleaning fluid.
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_______________________________________________________________________________
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Behavior Modification.....806/793-9462 The Dead Zone.............214/522-5321
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Demon Roach Underground...806/794-4362 Dragonfire Private........609/424-2606
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Question Authority........715/341-6516 TacoLand II...............517/337-7319
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Tequila Willy's...........209/526-3194 The Metal AE..............201/879-6668
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===============================================================================
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(c)1988 cDc communications by The Pusher 10/25/88-82
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All Rights Worth Shit
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