280 lines
18 KiB
Plaintext
280 lines
18 KiB
Plaintext
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_____________ _/_/ | | \ \ _/_/ _____________
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| ___________ _/_/ | | \ \ _/_/ ___________ |
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| | _/_/_____ | | > > _/_/_____ | |
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| | /________/ | | / / /________/ | |
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| | c o m m u n i c a t i o n s | |
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| |________________________________________________________________| |
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|____________________________________________________________________|
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...presents... San Francisco Cab Driver Stories
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by G.A. Ellsworth
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7/15/1998-#358
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__///////\ -cDc- CULT OF THE DEAD COW -cDc- /\\\\\\\__
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\\\\\\\/ Everything You Need Since 1986 \///////
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___ _ _ ___ _ _ ___ _ _ ___ _ _ ___
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|___heal_the_sick___raise_the_dead___cleanse_the_lepers___cast_out_demons___|
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[Editor's note: This file was originally released in _Cool Beans!_ #6 by
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G.A., under the title, "Some San Francisco Taxicab Stories"]
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This is a conversation I had with a cab driver who, for obvious reasons,
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prefers to remain anonymous. I'll tell you this much though, he doesn't
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drive for the company I drive for. - G.A.
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G.A.: Let's start with drinking and driving. Have you ever been drunk
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while driving cab?
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Driver: Never.
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G.A.: How about drugs?
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Driver: Oh yeah, heroin. In fact, one time... no... more than once, a couple
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times... I'd go to work and I'd be high on heroin and I'd stop and
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smoke some pot. I'd be driving along and I'd forget where I was and
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where I was going. I'd look around and just not know. I've been
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driving cab long enough to recognize where I am in any corner in the
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city, but there were a couple of times where I panicked because I
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didn't know where I was going or why, you know.
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G.A.: Did you have passengers when that happened?
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Driver: Oh yeah, with passengers. I just faked it. I kept driving straight
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till I could figure out where I was. It was just a momentary lapse,
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it would come back in about ten or fifteen seconds.
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G.A.: Did that scare you?
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Driver: No, I felt really stupid actually. More than anything, I felt dumb.
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G.A.: You didn't lose control of the car or anything?
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Driver: No, I had control of the car. I've never had any wrecks. I like to
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be in control, that's why I used to do heroin, because I like to be
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in control too much and I had to escape my desire to be in control!
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G.A.: Did you feel like you had to do heroin?
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Driver: No, I did heroin because I liked heroin.
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G.A.: Well then why did you do it at work?
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Driver: That was probably when I was strung out. I think I probably did it
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a couple times. There was a certain period of time when it was not
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that unusual for me to do heroin while I was driving a cab. But it
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wasn't a very long time, it was probably over a period of a couple
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years or so.
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G.A.: Was it the combination of heroin and pot that made you lose it?
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Driver: It definitely seemed to be the pot. That was the culprit.
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G.A.: What else has happened while you were under the influence behind the
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wheel.
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Driver: You're probably referring to the story I told you about the drunken
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queen I picked up South of Market who was doing amyl nitrate.
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G.A.: Well, that was one of the stories I hoped you'd tell me, but I was
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just wondering if anything interesting has happened while you were
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under the influence driving.
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Driver: Well, I never was all that intoxicated. I never actually drove
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drunk. I mean, sometimes I'd have a couple of drinks in a bar at the
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end of my shift, but basically I wasn't really driving under the
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influence at all. All the really truly horrifying or interesting
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things that have happened to me have happened when I've been pretty
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straight and sober.
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G.A.: Tell me about that.
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Driver: I've developed this theory that it seems that all the really weird
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things that happen to cab drivers happen to them the first couple of
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months that they drive cab. They're kind of like prey in the jungle,
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like a newborn or something saying "victimize me" and people pick up
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that energy. Actually I think it has more to do with they don't know
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how to differentiate between fares that will be a problem and fares
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that won't. I actually know this guy who got robbed on his first
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night driving and continued to drive for a couple of years and got
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robbed twice after that. I don't know what it was with this guy, but
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he seemed to attract that. In fact, I think he was robbed twice in
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his first week. But he kept driving. Actually, the first couple of
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weeks that I was driving, I picked up this guy, and it was probably
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4:30 in the morning and this was back in the early 80s when there
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used to be a lot of bath houses opened, this was before AIDS
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and it was common to find a lot of drunken gays down there trying to
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get home. This guy, I picked him up and he was pretty out of it. He
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was sniffing amyl nitrate and asked me if I wanted some and I said
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no. But I had my window mostly rolled up and as he was doing it, I
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was kind of getting high off the fumes anyway. I had to roll down the
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windows gasping for air. He had asked me if I minded him doing it
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and I said "No, I don't care what you do as long as you pay me." So
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then he pulls out this dildo, and holds it up and says "I'm gonna put
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this in my ass." I just turned to look at him and said "Great." So he
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pulled his pants down and pulled his knees up around his ears and
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started sticking this dildo in his ass. I just drove and tried to
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ignore it. Like I said, I didn't really know any better. I thought
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maybe this was what cab driving in San Francisco was about. And
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he's sticking it in going "Look at me look at me! Watch me, this is
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like my pussy!" And I looked back and it was pretty disgusting and he
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kept doing that and I was just trying to get him where he was going.
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And he said "It's ok, I'll pay you extra" And that time of the
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morning, money was kind of scarce so I was willing to go along with
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it. So we keep driving and then he says "I'm gonna jerk off now." And
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that's where I drew the line "No, you're not going to jerk off." And
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he says "No, it's ok, I'll clean it up, I have a towel! I'll give you
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fifteen dollars!" And I thought about it and said "Ok", cause fifteen
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dollars is fifteen dollars. So he started jerking off, and he had
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this greasy little towel that he wiped it up with after he came.
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And then he started sticking his dildo in his ass again. And the next
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thing I know he had hung his ass over the front seat and he's
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sticking the dildo in and out of his ass right beside my ear. And I
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kinda looked over and I was completely flabbergasted and all of a
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sudden it dropped out of his ass and onto the seat beside me. It fell
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right on top of my waybill and it was just sitting there with the
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street lights glistening off of it, and he said "Grab it and stick it
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in!" And I said "No, no, I'm not going to do that." And then he said
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"I'll give you ten dollars more!" And I said "Oh, ok." And
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I shoved it up his ass. Anyway, by that time, we had pulled up to his
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apartment building at Hayes and Pierce and I said "Ok, that's it, get
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out." And he only gave me like ten bucks extra so I was kind of
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pissed. Then he asked me if I would come upstairs with him and he
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said, "All you have to do is sit there and watch me jerk off." And I
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said "No, you won't, you already ripped me off." So he got out, and
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started walking away and I started driving away. I heard him yell,
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and I looked in my rear view mirror and he's standing in the middle
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of the street with has pants down and he's holding the dildo up in
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the air and he turns and he sticks it up his ass.
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That was probably my most curious fare.
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G.A.: Did you just go home after that?
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Driver: No, I finished my shift first.
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G.A.: What else has happened to you?
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Driver: Well, OK. I've had a few blowjobs while driving. And I've noticed
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it becomes extremely difficult to not drive erratically when having
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an orgasm in someone's mouth. I was actually coming back from a show
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in Palo Alto and I'd decided I wasn't going to drink I was gonna have
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to drive back and that the cops were going to be out in full force.
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So I didn't drink for the whole show and then after the show I was
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going to leave, but the guy who was running the show started setting
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up drinks on the bar, and he just lined up ten or fifteen kamikazes
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in a row. And I just took a look at them and said, "Aw, what the
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hell," and I drank about seven of them in a row. Then I stayed there
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for another hour or two and drove back in the van. Which I'm not
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particularly proud of, that's one of the few times in my life when I
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definitely knew without a doubt that I was too drunk to drive
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safely. And I was kind of weaving around the road and I got a blowjob
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on the way back too, and that was extremely... uh... that was
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definitely... I wasn't staying in my lane.
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Driver: Anything weird happen to you since you started driving?
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G.A.: Yeah, within the first month of driving, I had every conceivable type
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of couple make out in the back of my cab. First it was a guy and a
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girl, then it was two guys, then a transvestite and a guy and then a
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transvestite and a woman, and then last it was two women. They were
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just friends I guess, and they were coming home from a double date
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and they just started making out like crazy in the back seat. One of
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them was saying, "No, no, the cab driver might be from that HBO show.
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He probably has a hidden camera!" And I said "Oh, how did you know?
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It's right here in the mirror!" And they freaked out and got really
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mad at me! I thought it was funny, but they were really upset.
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Driver: I picked up this one guy at the Oasis Motel. It was like 2 in the
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morning, and I picked him up on the corner, and he was a young white
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guy, tall, normal, good looking guy. And he said, "I've only got five
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dollars, can you get me to Union and Larkin?" And I knew it was going
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to be a little more than that, but I agreed to take him. He was
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eating something out of a styrofoam cup and I didn't really take much
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notice of it. So we got there, and the meter had gone to close to six
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bucks or something and I'd turned it off and he gave me the five
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dollars and said thanks and got out. And then I drove down into North
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Beach and I stopped over by the TransAmerica building and this guy
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opens the back door and goes "UGH!!" And I turned around and
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the last guy had smeared chili all over the back seat!
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G.A.: That's totally weird! That's a perfect story. That's exactly what I'm
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looking for. Speaking of the Oasis, that's where I got my best ride.
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It in the first few months that I had been driving and I got a radio
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call to the Oasis. I drove through the little drive-in garage they've
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got there and this woman got into my cab wearing a motorcycle leather
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and leather pants I think. Anyway, she told me she was going to 44th
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and Balboa. I wasn't sure whether it would be quicker to take Turk
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all the way or if I should take Geary at that point, so I asked her
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which she preferred. She told me she didn't care, that she wasn't a
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bitch and that however I drove, as long as she got home she'd be
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happy. So I started driving and I asked her how her day had been. She
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told me she'd taken the day off from work and that she worked at the
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Market Street Cinema [a strip club]. I don't remember exactly
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how the conversation went, but I remember not thinking all that much
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about the fact that she worked in the sex industry. She asked me
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about being a cab driver and then went on to tell me that she had
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lived for a number of years in Boston and had done a bunch of work as
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an S&M queen and that S&M queens were a dime a dozen in San Francisco
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so she wasn't making as much money as she did on the more repressed
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East Coast. I nodded and kept driving, then out of nowhere she was
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leaning into the front seat saying "You're so sweet! You're such a
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sweetheart! You're the nicest cab driver I've ever had! Most other
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drivers would have at least asked me for a blowjob by now!" I was
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stunned for a second. Then I choked and said "Um, that hadn't really
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occurred to me. I mean, we were just talking about work. I uh..."
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Then I started wondering if I was weird for not asking her, or if
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she was crazy, or what. We arrived at her house, the meter said
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twelve dollars and she asked me if I had change for a hundred dollar
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bill. I never have change for a hundred dollar bill. Not even if I
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really do have change for a hundred dollar bill. You know?
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Driver: Yeah. I know.
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G.A.: So I said "No," trying to sound as annoyed as possible and she said
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she had to run into the house. She left her jacket in the car and
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then came back out after a minute and handed me a hundred dollar
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bill. I started to say that I didn't have change, but she cut me off
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and said "Keep the change." I asked her if she was sure and she said,
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"Yep, stay sweet" or something like that and started to walk away.
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She turned around before she got to the house and said "That's the
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biggest tip you've ever gotten right?"
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Driver: Ha! She wanted to make sure!
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G.A.: Yeah, it was really strange.
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Driver: People want to make some sort of impression on you even when it's a
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somewhat anonymous situation.
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G.A.: There's this weird class thing that happens too. It seems like most
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people who take cab rides assume that the driver is from a lower
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class than they are, and that means they can either treat you like a
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servant or they figure that you'll do anything for money.
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Driver: I quickly end that shit.
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G.A.: Yeah, I don't usually say anything to people, but it comes up a lot
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that I've been to college and people always ask me why I'm driving a
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cab. And I just tell them that I like it, that it's kind of a fun
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job. Every once in a while I'll have someone in the back of my cab
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talking about something that I know a lot about, like computers or
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desktop publishing or something and I'll wait for an opportunity to
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correct them on something, or offer up an answer to a question
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they're asking the other person. It's really fun when it's something
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really nerdy like a Unix shell account discussion or something. It
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really hurts their minds when I can participate in a conversation
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with them about something they can't comprehend a cab
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driver knowing anything about. But you know, it seems like most
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people want to ask me "What else do you do?" I don't want to talk
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about Cool Beans! all the time, so sometimes I make something up and
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flat out lie to them.
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[end]
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Cool Beans! 3181 Mission #113 SF CA 94110 http://www.coolbeans.com
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.-. _ _ .-.
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/ \ .-. ((___)) .-. / \
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/.ooM \ / \ .-. [ x x ] .-. / \ /.ooM \
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-/-------\-------/-----\-----/---\--\ /--/---\-----/-----\-------/-------\-
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/lucky 13\ / \ / `-(' ')-' \ / \ /lucky 13\
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\ / `-' (U) `-' \ /
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`-' the original e-zine `-' _
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Oooo eastside westside / ) __
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/)(\ ( \ WORLDWIDE / ( / \
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\__/ ) / Copyright (c) 1998 cDc communications and the author. \ ) \)(/
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(_/ CULT OF THE DEAD COW is a registered trademark of oooO
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cDc communications, PO Box 53011, Lubbock, TX, 79453, USA. _
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oooO All rights reserved. Edited by Omega __ ( \
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/ ) /)(\ / \ ) \
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\ ( \__/ Save yourself! Go outside! Do something! \)(/ ( /
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\_) xXx BOW to the COW xXx Oooo
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http://www.cultdeadcow.com
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