148 lines
8.2 KiB
Plaintext
148 lines
8.2 KiB
Plaintext
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_____________ _/_/ | | \ \ _/_/ _____________
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| ___________ _/_/ | | \ \ _/_/ ___________ |
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| | _/_/_____ | | > > _/_/_____ | |
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| | c o m m u n i c a t i o n s | |
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| |________________________________________________________________| |
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|____________________________________________________________________|
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...presents... Shit-Burnin'
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by Cal Jacobson
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5/1/1998-#355
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__///////\ -cDc- CULT OF THE DEAD COW -cDc- /\\\\\\\__
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\\\\\\\/ Everything You Need Since 1986 \///////
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___ _ _ ___ _ _ ___ _ _ ___ _ _ ___
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|___heal_the_sick___raise_the_dead___cleanse_the_lepers___cast_out_demons___|
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...I guess I should tell the "shit-burning" story. A lot of veterans out
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there probably know what this sort of thing is all about, but if you've
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never served in the military you may have been kept in the dark about what
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could possibly be the real cause of the mysterious "Gulf War Syndrome."
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I swear to God I'm not making this story up.
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When you're stuck out in the middle of nowhere (whether camping or on a
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military operation), one of the most important things is keeping clean.
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Keeping clean means keeping the chance of illness down. Makes sense, right?
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The Army calls this field hygiene, amongst other things, and it covers more
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than just making sure soldiers get a shower every 2 weeks at the minimum (I
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can't recall the actual regulations, but I know that it's a different
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amount of time for men and women; shorter for the women). It also covers
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where you're going to throw your dirty water and...yes, human waste.
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If you're in one place for a really short amount of time, the Army says you
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can just dig a 1'x1'x1' "cat hole" and take a dump in it there. There are
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three disadvantages to this:
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1. You need to dig your hole before you really need to shit.
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2. You're going to be squatting above a hole in the ground.
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3. If there are a lot of people in your group, you're eventually going
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to run out of places to dig.
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When we got to Saudi and rolled out into the desert in October 1990, we
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stayed in the same spot for about three months (during the big build-up of
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forces in the region). Digging holes wasn't a practical solution for a
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battalion of 350+ people because we'd eventually have to walk all the way
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to Syria to find a place to dig a hole. Thus was revived the grand
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tradition of the "Latrine burn", more commonly known as the "shit-burning
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detail" (a "detail" is military-speak for a job or task given to
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low-ranking people who haven't found a way to get out of it). I believe it
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originated in Vietnam or perhaps the Korean War, but I may be mistaken.
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The government (either ours or the Saudis) contracted the local labor
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(usually Pakistani) to make hundreds of cheap wooden 4-seater outhouses,
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under the holes of which halved oil drums were placed. Theoretically, the
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"cans" would be removed daily and the contents would be burned, thus
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eliminating tons of American shit that would otherwise have to go somewhere
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and would probably result in a major ecological disaster.
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Note that I said "theoretically." You see, shit doesn't burn well. Even the
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Army knew this, so we were told to douse the contents of the shit-cans with
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gasoline.
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Unfortunately, I think shit ranks right up there with asbestos in terms of
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non-flammable materials. We would pour at least five gallons of gas for
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every two cans' worth of shit, and the stuff would only partly burn. What
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was worse, it was often hard to get the fire started because most of what
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we had was diesel fuel. If you've never worked with diesel gas, let me give
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you a brief summary: diesel burns hot, but takes a lot of heat to get it
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going. I have seen lit matches drowned in diesel. So we usually had to mix
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regular gas (used in the Humvees) with the diesel...the regular gas would
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ignite and in turn ignite the diesel, which would burn hot enough to
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incinerate some of the shit.
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While it was burning (and it would usually take a couple of hours for the
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stuff that was going to burn, to burn out) you would occasionally have to
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stir it...usually with a metal pole used for holding up camouflage netting
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(we had plenty of these poles so we didn't have to replace them at the end
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of the day -- thank God). Now if you think regular shit is pushing the
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extreme limit of foul, you've never seen, smelt, or heard burning shit. It
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produces black smoke that doesn't rise very high but drifts for miles and
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smells like...well, burning shit. It sounds like a deep-fat fryer...you
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know, what they put french fries in at Burger King. But like I said, shit
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doesn't burn. And even after burning the contents twice, you often had as
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much as 50% of the original material left. So...what the hell do you do
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with the rest?
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That's right, you bury it. In a hole. Sound familiar?
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So after doing all of that, you would still have to dig a hole and pour the
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pudding-like remains in there (which made a "blorp" sound), then burn the
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can again to get rid of anything that refused to be poured out.
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As awful as it sounded, shit-burning detail was actually one of the more
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popular jobs to be "stuck" with, once the benefits were actually realized.
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I know, I know, you're wondering "what the hell is good about burning
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shit?!?"
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Well for one thing, because they didn't want you burning shit in the middle
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of camp, you had to load the cans up in a Humvee or a truck and drive a
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mile or so away. This meant that you were able to get away from the
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officer-induced, gearing-up-for-war bullshit that was taking place.
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Instead, you could just light the cans and relax with a book or headphones
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for a few hours. As long as you were upwind, in the shade and had plenty of
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water (remember, we're in a desert) you were set. Other than a few
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disgusting minutes, it was the closest thing to a day off we had over
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there.
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The rituals of other Army units differed, but this was the norm for
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Headquarters company, 312th Military Intelligence Battalion, 1st Cavalry
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Division. I hope you've enjoyed being grossed out almost as much as
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I've enjoyed grossing you out.
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Cal Jacobson
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jake@tidalwave.net
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.-. _ _ .-.
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/ \ .-. ((___)) .-. / \
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/.ooM \ / \ .-. [ x x ] .-. / \ /.ooM \
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-/-------\-------/-----\-----/---\--\ /--/---\-----/-----\-------/-------\-
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/lucky 13\ / \ / `-(' ')-' \ / \ /lucky 13\
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\ / `-' (U) `-' \ /
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`-' the original e-zine `-' _
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Oooo eastside westside / ) __
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/)(\ ( \ WORLDWIDE / ( / \
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\__/ ) / Copyright (c) 1998 cDc communications and the author. \ ) \)(/
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(_/ CULT OF THE DEAD COW is a registered trademark of oooO
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cDc communications, PO Box 53011, Lubbock, TX, 79453, USA. _
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oooO All rights reserved. Edited by Omega __ ( \
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/ ) /)(\ / \ ) \
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\ ( \__/ Save yourself! Go outside! Do something! \)(/ ( /
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\_) xXx BOW to the COW xXx Oooo
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