176 lines
8.9 KiB
Plaintext
176 lines
8.9 KiB
Plaintext
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_____________ _/_/ | | \ \ _/_/ _____________
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| ___________ _/_/ | | \ \ _/_/ ___________ |
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| | c o m m u n i c a t i o n s | |
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| |________________________________________________________________| |
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|____________________________________________________________________|
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...presents... A Day off for DrunkFux
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by DrunkFux
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10/31/1997-#345
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__///////\ -cDc- CULT OF THE DEAD COW -cDc- /\\\\\\\__
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\\\\\\\/ Everything You Need Since 1986 \///////
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___ _ _ ___ _ _ ___ _ _ ___ _ _ ___
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|___heal_the_sick___raise_the_dead___cleanse_the_lepers___cast_out_demons___|
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Get back to town and spend the night at my friend's house 'cause he lives
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right next to the airport. Next morning, stupid Jesus ho knocks on the
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door and hands out flyers for that afternoon's "Walking Towards The Lord"
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extravaganza. It talks about a "parade for Jesus" and all this other
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crap and in unison we all agree... "We're there!"
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No surprise, my friends are punk as fuck, and one of them happens to be
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the manager of a local art supply store. With a plethora of tools at our
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disposal, we set forth on our mission of chaos.
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We arrive and things are just starting to swing. There are literally
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thousands of people on either side of the road, all of them total honky
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ass, white suburbanite Jesus lamers. Needless to say, we stood out like
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Don King at a KKK rally and it didn't take long for people to start
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staring. We were all already laughing our asses off with sheer ecstasy
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over our creations. Some head church bitch, complete with gay nametag
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comes up and asks if we're from the neighborhood. When my friend answers
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"Yes", she says, "I don't believe I know you," and he responds with,
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"You will." A few moments later, she's about 2 blocks away.
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Parade starts. Everybody is now gayer than ever and starts cheering for
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the Lord or whatever. First few minutes are completely lame, not even
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a tad bit humorous. I was surprised because this is an annual event
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that typically rakes in a couple of "well knowns". This year, the flyer
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mentioned Houston Oilers and Astros players as well as a flurry of other
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local wanky rejects, but for the first 10 minutes or so, we were quite
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unenthused.
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After a few cars full of old people passed, we could see a marching band
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approaching in the distance. As it got closer, we could read the banner
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leading the way : FIRST BAPTIST FAMILY BAND - STAYING AND PLAYING TOGETHER
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IN THE NAME OF JESUS CHRIST. It seemed to be comprised of kids aged 12
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to 17 and their parents. Way stupid. Some of the parents weren't even
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playing an instrument, they were waving or blowing bubbles or trying to
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validate their worthless existence by doing shit like holding the triangle
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while their socially retarded kid banged on it. Truly pathetic. We figured
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now was the time to display our artistic masterpieces.
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Up came the signs.
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As the marching band drew nearer to where we were (on top of a term box,
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putting us a foot or two above the crowd), they were greeted with the usual
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array of cheers and waves, but this time, they got something extra:
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SATAN
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IS
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LORD!
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JESUS
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WAS A
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HOMO!
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NOAH'S ARK =
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BEASTIALITY
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BOAT!
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NOAH
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FUCKED
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MONKEYS!
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cDc:
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WE'VE COME
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FOR YOUR
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CHILDREN
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LORD SATAN
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ROCKS
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MY ASS!
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KILL
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WHITEY
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GOD IS
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GAY!
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I think that was all of them. We had made about 4 signs, all on neon
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yellow and green poster board, and painted on both sides. So, there we
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are, in the middle of all these fuckheads, laughing hysterically while
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waving our signs and shouting out whatever wonderful merriment came to
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mind. All this whilst our friend Shawn hurled out delightful German
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sayings via his father's megaphone. Most of the people were in complete
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and utter shock. Some people, especially the teenage boys in the marching
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band, thought we were fucking hilarious and couldn't control their
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laughter. A group of fashion senseless skaters came running up proclaiming
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how "awesome" and "fucking kick ass" we were and started jumping up and
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down trying to blend in as part of our now "rad" group. Most of the people
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around us quickly moved elsewhere.
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We lasted a lot longer than I expected. I originally figured it wouldn't
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take long for some of the macho parade watchers to fuck with us, but I
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believe most everybody there was honestly scared to death of us and took
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it all way too seriously. The whole megaphone thing probably helped
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seal that. I guess the police finally showed up 10 minutes after we
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started our revelation. I thought for sure we were either going to get
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the shit kicked out of us or get arrested, but as the officers approached
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us (both male, one hispanic and the other black) my friend looks at them
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and goes "Yeah! Yeah! Right on, brother!" and proceeds to jump up and down
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with the "KILL WHITEY" sign proudly displayed. They both almost died
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laughing and after a trip to the side of the building and a brief talking
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to, we were told to "go far away" for a few hours. It's worth mentioning
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that the crowd cheered when the police walked us away from the parade
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because the police left before we did and we had to walk through the
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parade watchers in order to get to the car, signs and slogans held high
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with shouts of victory and German death calls to boot.
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Yeah, it pretty much rocked, to say the least. It has become quite
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difficult to remember the last time I laughed so hard that I had severe
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chest pains for almost a week. In a last ditch effort to annoy society,
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we decided to make our exit by driving through the parade route, signs
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out the windows and megaphone on 11.
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The lame part was we got absolutely NO press coverage out of this. The
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douchebag cameraman from our local ABC station thought we ruled but
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wouldn't film us. The local station that taped and then aired the
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parade did a wonderful job of keeping us out of the final product. If
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I could have paid someone to film us, I would have because I probably
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could have sold a billion copies of the footage.
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It was a decent way to kill a few hours on a Saturday afternoon at least.
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.-. _ _ .-.
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/ \ .-. ((___)) .-. / \
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/.ooM \ / \ .-. [ x x ] .-. / \ /.ooM \
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-/-------\-------/-----\-----/---\--\ /--/---\-----/-----\-------/-------\-
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/lucky 13\ / \ / `-(' ')-' \ / \ /lucky 13\
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\ / `-' (U) `-' \ /
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`-' the original e-zine `-' _
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Oooo eastside westside / ) __
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/)(\ ( \ WORLDWIDE / ( / \
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\__/ ) / Copyright (c) 1997 cDc communications and the author. \ ) \)(/
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(_/ CULT OF THE DEAD COW is a registered trademark of oooO
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cDc communications, PO Box 53011, Lubbock, TX, 79453, USA. _
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oooO All rights reserved. Edited by Grandmaster Ratte'. __ ( \
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/ ) /)(\ / \ ) \
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\ ( \__/ Save yourself! Go outside! Do something! \)(/ ( /
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\_) xXx BOW to the COW xXx Oooo
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