99 lines
5.1 KiB
Plaintext
99 lines
5.1 KiB
Plaintext
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_____________ _/_/ | | \ \ _/_/ _____________
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| ___________ _/_/ | | \ \ _/_/ ___________ |
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| | _/_/_____ | | > > _/_/_____ | |
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| | /________/ | | / / /________/ | |
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| | c o m m u n i c a t i o n s | |
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| |________________________________________________________________| |
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|____________________________________________________________________|
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...presents... My Bug-Pal
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by Nik
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06/01/1996-#316
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__///////\ -cDc- CULT OF THE DEAD COW -cDc- /\\\\\\\__
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\\\\\\\/ Everything You Need Since 1986 \///////
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___ _ _ ___ _ _ ___ _ _ ___ _ _ ___
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|___heal_the_sick___raise_the_dead___cleanse_the_lepers___cast_out_demons___|
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The fourteen-headed cockroach crawled out of my rectum and began demanding
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rights of all sorts. It was four o'clock in the morning. A team of media
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weasels smashed down the door, flipped me on to my stomach, and proceeded to
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conduct an interview.
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"I vant a smull bowl of chili!" the cockroach bellowed in a strange German
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accent.
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"We're live on location!" drooled the media weasels.
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I went back to sleep.
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Hours later, the cockroach's demands had been met. He had his chili,
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several high-powered rifles, and a very expensive and elaborate computer
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system. All this in exchange for his story, which he sold to _The National
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Enquirer_.
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Weeks later, _The National Enquirer_ ran the story: "14-Headed Cockroach
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Lives in Rectum for Four Months!"
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"Four months?!" I screamed, "You only paid rent for three, you bastard
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bug!"
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He was snotty. "Don't fook vit me, buddy, I bin a fooking meedia EVENT!"
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I threatened the bug's life, and soon the fourteen-headed cockroach had
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his lawyer on the phone. The lease was broken and the cockroach went and moved
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into the armpit of a Russian chess player who lived across town.
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Two years later, a phone call awoke me in the middle of the night. It was
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the fourteen-headed cockroach, now reduced to twelve heads due to a bar-room
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brawl. He was drunk and depressed. He threatened to kill himself if I didn't
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help him. I told him to screw off. "Go ahead!" I screamed. "Kill yourself!
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See if I care!
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I was furious, sleepy, and glad the bug was out of my life. I was out of
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control. If I'd only known what my words forced the fourteen (twelve)-headed
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cockroach to do. He killed himself by leaping into the open mouth of a
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sleeping woman. She chewed and swallowed, unaware. She was an innocent tool
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of the cockroach. I only found out because of a letter he sent me. It
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was a suicide note.
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"Der Nik,
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Fook you. Zee verlde is a boig plez.
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I've lept intozee mout of a vomen
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by de time you getz diz.
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14 headed cockroach"
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Tragedy comes in many forms. I'll never forget that fourteen-headed
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cockroach. To everyone else, he may have just been a _National Enquirer_
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event. To me he was a friend, sort of. Actually, he was more of a jerk.
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Anyhow. If only it had been me who'd eaten him. Why, God, why?
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.-. _ _ .-.
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/ \ .-. ((___)) .-. / \
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/ \ / \ .-. [ x x ] .-. / \ / \
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-/-------\-------/-----\-----/---\--\ /--/---\-----/-----\-------/-------\-
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/ \ / \ / `-(' ')-' \ / \ / \
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WORLDWIDE \ / `-' (U) `-' \ / WORLDWIDE
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`-' .ooM `-' _
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Oooo / ) __
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/)(\ ( \ Copyright (c)1996 Nik and cDc communications. / (/\
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\__/ ) / All rights reserved. Award-winning CULT OF THE DEAD COW \ ) \)(/
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(_/ is published by cDc communications, P.O. Box 53011, oooO _
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oooO Lubbock, TX, 79453, US of A. Edited by Swamp Ratte'. __ ( \
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/ ) /)(\ / \ ) \
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\ ( \__/ Save yourself! Go outside! Do something! \)(/ ( /
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\_) "THE COW WALKS AMONGST US" Oooo
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