385 lines
21 KiB
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385 lines
21 KiB
Plaintext
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_____________ _/_/ | | \ \ _/_/ _____________
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| ___________ _/_/ | | \ \ _/_/ ___________ |
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| | _/_/_____ | | > > _/_/_____ | |
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| | c o m m u n i c a t i o n s | |
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| |________________________________________________________________| |
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|____________________________________________________________________|
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...presents... Concise Guide to Forgetting How Much You Suck
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by Jason Farnon
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>>> a cDc publication.......1994 <<<
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-cDc- CULT OF THE DEAD COW -cDc-
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____ _ ____ _ ____ _ ____ _ ____
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|____digital_media____digital_culture____digital_media____digital_culture____|
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"Guh. I suck. Everything sucks. Diediedie!!!sadjkhsaldhj"
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How many times have you said this to yourself? Things just suck, people
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are stupid. You haven't washed in a while and are probably better off dead.
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Once again, cDc comes to the rescue. Here are some methods of passing the time
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until you die. They have been tested and proven to work. No guess work
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involved here... have fun, and don't eat the brown acid.
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______________________________________________________________________________
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1) Sleep
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Seems pretty obvious, right? You'd be amazed how many people overlook
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this. Here is a secret tip for you: did you know that you don't have to be
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tired or drowsy to sleep? I bet you didn't. Don't stay up thinking something
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cool is going to happen. Don't go hang out with people who suck as much as
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you. You know nothing cool will happen. It never does. But you waste your
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time like a moron going "out" and coming back with no satisfaction whatsoever.
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Why not just stay home and sleep? Your bed is warm, and nobody can bother you.
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You can't be frustrated with trying to do anything cool, because you never
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attempted anything to begin with.
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Sleep eighteen hours a day if you can get away with it. Sleep any place
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where you know you will not get sodomized. You know you don't have to be
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social if your eyes are closed. I have learned that if people think you're
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sleeping, they won't try to talk to you. You know how much you hate that
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interaction thing. Plus, when you sleep, you'll feel better. For all the
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hours you've wasted doing nothing, you could do something that makes you happy.
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Just accept that you will die a worthless piece of shit having contributed
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nothing worthwhile to this hypocritical shithole society. It makes doing
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nothing so much easier. They don't deserve your brilliance anyway.
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2) Foreign Substances
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Why not put things into your body that will give you a false sense of
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security, superiority, or confidence? I mean, as long as you are content, who
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cares what other people think? Remember, it's all in your mind. No matter
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what they say, no matter where they place you: in the end your demise will be
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your fault and your fault only. If you win in your mind, you can be burning to
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death while maggots chew on your eyes and still have a sense of accomplishment.
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So you have decided to destroy your body with drugs. Good call. Acid
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will make you very happy, as you will appreciate things so much more. You see
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people being so damn happy... laughing, and you wonder how they can be so happy
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when we are slowly approaching the Apocalypse. You aren't at fault. They are
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just morons who are going to burn in Hell. But if you want to experience what
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they feel, drop out. Everything will make sense. All of a sudden, the
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doorknob you took for granted will fascinate you to no end. Trees and lakes
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will be beautiful again, at least for twelve hours. Do a lot of acid. You
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have nothing to lose. You can only gain insight to their "other" world. No
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other drug is worth it. In addition, acid is very very cheap. Even if it
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becomes a habit, it won't be one you'll have to sell your body for: only your
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furniture. Fucking up your mind is okay. Having skid marks is not. Marijuana
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is out of the question as it is easily detectable and will prevent you from
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getting your McJob.
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There, I used a Generation-X term. That's all you are. Generation-X.
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You're like a textbook, you little fuck. Don't think you're some superior
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being close to discovering the answers everyone has forgotten. You are
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nothing. You are SHIT. There are so many before you that were worthless and
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confused like you, and there will be so many afterwards. You will make no
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impact on the world, and will scapegoat it to the fact that no one understands
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your brilliance. You're worthless, you fuckhead.
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"Get a drug habit and die."
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-- Milk and Cheese
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As I was saying, the drugs with the quick rushes like nitrous, and drugs
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that are physically addictive like cocaine are just not worth it. I'd rather
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not go into the ramifications. If you don't believe me, try for yourself. In
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fact, I encourage it. There will be less of you, and I will have a better
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chance of getting a confused and hopelessly lost Generation X woman.
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Then there is alcohol. Alcohol is great. It makes you forget, and can be
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useful if you ever need to amputate a leg. Always carry some of your favorite
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beverage in a Thermos. Don't drink beer, beer is for stupid people. If you
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drink beer, may you rot in Hell. Alcohol is a big excuse. "Give me a break,
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man, I was drunk." Fuck you, pal, there are no breaks. Only losers drink at
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parties. Just sad people drink with other people. Cool people drink alone.
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You heard me, alone. Alone with an issue of _Stickboy_ and rad music.
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When you drink alone, you can think. When you drink alone, you don't need
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other people to impress. Fact. You're drinking. No one needs to know you can
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drink half a keg without puking. Bar hopping is for faggots. Alcohol will
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also help you get to sleep when some eternal questions are bugging you to no
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end.
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3) Find Companionship
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Find a girl. Yes. Find a girl. One more time. Find a girl. [I'm a
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guy and this is my perspective. Other people, do the gender math.] It's not
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as hard as you may think. Let me rephrase that. Get a girl. If you look for
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one, you'll never find one. I think someone intelligent said that. You'll
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accidentally stumble into her, somehow. As long as you don't suck that much,
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it is inevitable. You may be introduced, or you might wind up in the same jail
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cell. Hold on to her. She will be your crutch in this cruel and disgusting
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world. Together the planet will be your toilet paper. You won't need anyone
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else, as now you're doing more than winning in your mind. You're winning in
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her mind, and that's so much more reassuring. Have violent angry sex, or
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whatever makes both of you happy. You will be happy. You'll cut your penis
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off if she asks you to. But you will not care. And then when you need her
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most, she'll disappear. After the physical aspect is taken for granted, you
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will realize that your relationship is shit. It has no damn substance. Just
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two lost children in a big confusing world, grabbing at anything in the dark.
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Now its time to do lots of acid and die.
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4) Clubs
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Go to shows or clubs and draw blood. Go to some stupid teen angst Nirvana
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show or something of that degree, and get into the pit. Make sure you bring
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small sharp objects. You see, the people at angst shows are wussies, and would
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never hurt you. Hurt them, bruise them, and inflict the pain on them that they
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deserve. Or go to a real show, and swing your arms and body around wildly.
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Most of the time, if you pass it off as dancing, nobody will bother you. You
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can injure yourself and other people and get your angst out. It's all angst.
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Just remember, you are not special. You suck! You are a fucking cockroach
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that will be crushed by the intelligent ones. Or maybe you'll get picked up by
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some whore at the club. If you have taken my advice, you've probably come to
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the club drunk out of your mind. Not having any idea what is going on, you
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decided it would be a super idea to have sex with this she-beast. Inevitably
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you will get AIDS, and will rot and your fingers will fall off. It's not a fun
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way to die, but you can be an asshole by giving other people AIDS and spreading
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your disease.
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5) Hit Your Head Against the Wall
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This is a little bit like going to a show, but it's in a controlled
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environment. The harm you inflict on yourself relies completely on your sanity
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and tolerance for pain. If Big Biff from _Club Big Hair_ decides to decorate
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your face with his fist, there is no use arguing. Biff will stop when he
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pleases, most likely when it's last call. On the other hand, you can stop
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hitting your head on the wall any time you wish. Most likely the numbing pain
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will get to you, but that would be the exact thing you wanted to accomplish.
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The physical pain will help you forget the questions that have kept you up at
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night. Blood takes precedence over man's inhumanity to man.
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6) Get a Job
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Yeah, get a job. It's not as hard as you may you think. Even if you are
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lazy and would rather roll over and die, there are jobs intended for your
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mind-set! If you have an ounce of brain matter, you shouldn't have a problem
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finding a job. There are Generation X opportunities everywhere. Get a job
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that doesn't require a high school education. Even five dollars an hour adds
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up. You won't have time to think because you'll be too busy taking shit from
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you McManager. Everyday you will come home exhausted out of your mind. You
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won't have time to worry about how much things suck, because you will just be
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grateful to God that you are not working. This cycle continues until you die.
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There is another benefit of working. You'll have more money for drugs.
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7) Fun With Your Bladder
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You never thought that your bladder could make you happy. Just like
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everything else, you take your bladder for granted. For kicks, next time you
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have to urinate... don't. Don't urinate for a day or two, until the pain is
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excruciating. Then go to the bathroom. You will feel such stupendous
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satisfaction and relief, like nothing matters at all except for the fact that
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your bladder is empty. And you know what? It's true.
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8) Destroy People Who Suck More Than You
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This is my personal favorite. There are subsets of this which will be
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included later. Basically, you know who you're better than. The people who
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swim in ecstasy of their own stupidity... for them, ignorance is bliss. You
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sometimes wonder if you would be better off if you were like them. Probably
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so. Make them pay. Insult them, make fun of them and make their lives hell.
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Laughing at fat people and the handicapped is also not out of the question.
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Anything that will boost your ego by stepping on someone else's head.
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Sometimes you might get hurt, but it's worth it. You always win in your head
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anyway. If you need courage to insult people who are stupid but much larger
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than you, you can always resort to alcohol. It's such a wonderful invention.
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There are so many damn idiots. cDc wouldn't exist otherwise. Laugh at the
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grunge losers who still haven't had their umbilical cords cut. Laugh at the
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blind sheep getting raped by the media. Laugh at your insecure friends. You
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are above all of them. You are God.
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9) Offend People
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Offending people is a great pastime. You need to find a cause and run
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with it. Luckily, you don't have to know anything the cause to piss people
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off. Generally you can promote this cause with much more fervor if you have a
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bias one way or another with it. The possibilities are endless. Hand out
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NAMBLA literature in front of a church. Hold up a sign with a penis on it
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stating, "The uncircumcised have rights too." It's best to insult something
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that is very dear to someone, like something they have wasted (and 'wasted' is
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the key word), their lives plugging away. A t-shirt that says "Breast cancer
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is good. More breathing room on the train" will definitely do the trick.
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Getting people angry with you will waste time, and you might actually get
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people to join your moronic cause. Then you can get money out of them. Look
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what it did for Scientology. Racism is also very important when you are
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offending people. There is nothing that offends people more than racism. You
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don't have to be a racist to practice racism at all. Buy a dirty joke book and
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make it your bible. Then you can stand in Harvard Square with a microphone
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saying things like, "How do you get a black guy out of a tree in Mississippi?
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Cut the rope!" Huh huh.
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10) IRC
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IRC stands for Internet Relay Chat. With IRC you can harass people and
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you can seek companionship, all from the comfort of your own home. IRC is an
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anarchy, and absolutely no rules apply. It is safe to assume this, at least
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most of the time. With IRC, a little technical knowledge goes a long, long
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way. Hardcore IRC users take IRC to be some kind of virtual world where they
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can unwind. The truth is that IRC is like anything else on the Internet; a
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collection of TCP/IP connections and ASCII characters. There is no special
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privilege required to start a channel on IRC. Some channels to check out are:
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#gayteen
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#gaysex
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#hottub
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#warez
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#suicide
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#talk
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#lesbian
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#blaklife
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#chat
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#lonely
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You'll most likely find me on one of them on any given night. You see,
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people on these channels spend so much time on IRC because they are insecure
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stupid fucks. They'd rather hide behind their screens than deal with people in
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person. They are easy to annoy, and get very frustrated when their measly
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kicks and bans have no effect on you. They will attempt to mail your
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administrator. If your admin is cool, he'll tell 'em to fuck off. Otherwise
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you might get a call from your parole officer (private joke). Here is a
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sample:
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----------
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*** sadboy (xxxxxxxx@xxx.xxx) has joined channel #gaysex
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*** Topic for #gaysex: it's oscar night
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*** Users on #gaysex: sadboy @Woolf KY-KEV arich socrates mathlab DSV HornDog
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+Achilles @TaterTot @Mantas @Tonybear nycguy Russkii NYCe1 @Caz oof Hot4U
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+@Pledge AfroChick Harder @TallLion studhumpr @Xerxes @ButchBub @Skunky
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+@Lasher- @SilvrWing @ChefD @L00K bi-jock @Rooh @MrPeabody @cEvin
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<AfroChick> afrochick loves horndog!
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<NYCe1> hi arich, sadboy
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> hello
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<NYCe1> hi sadboy
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<DSV> Wooooo! This place is getting pretty hostile.
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<NYCe1> why sad?
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> how are you "men" doing tonight?
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<socrates> exit
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<Tonybear> hello to woolf & sadboy
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<HornDog> CAN WE ALL TRY TO BE NICE TO ONE ANOTHER ????
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> i am GAY and i want SEX
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> someone GAY here please give me SEX
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*Tonybear* talk to me.
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> i want GAY SEX right now
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-> *Tonybear* ok
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*** Tonybear is ~tonylove@mindvox.phantom.com (Adam Greenberg)
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*** on channels: @#gaysex
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*** on irc via server irc.colorado.EDU (Univ of Colorado Server (2.8.*))
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<Caz> sadboy: you have hands ..use em'
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> give me GAY SEX now
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> someone give me GAY SEX
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***ACTION Lasher- spreads it's throbbing lips until they are big enough to
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+engulf sadboy
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***ACTION Lasher- lowers itself onto sadboy , lower...lower...lower, until
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+nothing of sadboy is left
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<Lasher-> sadboy is never heard from again...such a pity...
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*** Lasher- is now known as STANK0
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*** You have been kicked off channel #gaysex by STANK0 (<<<mwahahaha>>>)
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*** sadboy (xxxxxx@xxx.xxx) has joined channel #gaysex
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*** Topic for #gaysex: it's oscar night
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***ACTION STANK0 morphs back into Lasher-
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*** STANK0 is now known as Lasher-
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> i need my GAY SEX
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*Tonybear* where are you located and what can i do for you?
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*** You have been kicked off channel #gaysex by Skunky (get a life! <NK>)
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*** #gaysex : Cannot send to channel (from ra.oc.com)
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-> *Tonybear* give me GAY SEX
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*** sadboy (xxxxxxx@xxx.xxx) has joined channel #gaysex
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*** Topic for #gaysex: it's oscar night
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> GAY SEX please
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> i need more GAY SEX
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*Tonybear* tell me what you like?
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<Lasher-> `remove sadboy
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<Xerxes> Bahahahah
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*** Mode change "-o+b sadboy *!*xxxxxxx@*.xxx.xxx" on channel #gaysex by
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+cEvin
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*** You have been kicked off channel #gaysex by cEvin (LaTeR.)
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*** #gaysex :Sorry, cannot join channel. (Banned from channel)
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-> *Tonybear* coffee cake
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----------
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I came there to harass people and some dork actually wanted to have
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virtual sex with me. It's amazing how fucking pathetic people can get. Rot in
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Hell, Tonybear. Eventually I was banned, but I did have my chuckles. Another
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thing I enjoy flooding to #gaysex is ASCII breasts. Mail my cat if you want
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those. I will be glad to comply. The possibilities for IRC are endless, and
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the best part is that you don't have to leave your house!
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11) Stare at a Picture of Tori Amos
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Trust me.
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12) Install Hardware and Play Old Wares
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Installing cool hardware and playing wares is something you can do to pass
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the time. Hardware is impartial. It either works or it doesn't. Flip a
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couple of jumpers and the sound card works. No such luck with the other
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problems in life. Things cannot get too complicated with hardware. If
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hardware pisses of you off enough, just slam it against the wall. Stomp on it
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until it is a mangled circuit board. Hardware will be sorry the day it tried
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to fuck with you. Who says you always lose? You just kicked ass!
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Playing really old wares will get your mind off of things. Endless hours
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at _Donkey Kong_ will do the trick. Amass outrageous numbers of old 8-bit
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Atari, Commodore, and Apple II games. Contemporary stuff is way too
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complicated, and often requires typing. If you have to type, it's too much
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effort. Games that only use two arrow keys are great. Play until your eyes
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bleed. You will die soon. Hey, if you complain about how much you suck
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enough, I'll do you a favor and kill you. Make both of us happy.
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13) Kill Yourself
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Seems like the obvious answer, right? Well I feel suicide is the last
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possible solution. For starters, killing yourself takes way too much fucking
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energy, plus you might make someone happy. God forbid that might happen. A
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human life is just way too valuable. You may not think this, but its true. No
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matter if it does massive amounts of good, or better yet massive amounts of
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evil, it has so much damn power. You can make so many stupid people miserable.
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Why would you want to give all of that up? If you do go, go with a bang. Any
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wuss can swallow fifty aspirins. Be rad, light yourself on fire. Stand
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up for what you really believe in. Shoot your elected representatives. Shoot
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your neighbor's dog. Drive across the country shooting minorities. Then do it
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again the other direction and shoot majorities. Do something that they will
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never forget. And then when it can't get any worse, with everyone on your ass,
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it gets better. You kill yourself. You are now less miserable, and have way
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fewer responsibilities.
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14) Stare at the Wall
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This one I picked up from someone I loiter with on the phone often. It is
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not a personal favorite of mine, as I would rather sleep. He speaks highly of
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it, however. If you have the patience to stare at the wall for a long time,
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you will begin to see amazing things. We take walls for granted, you know.
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I personally do not have the patience to look at a wall for prolonged periods
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of time.
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15) Write Textfiles
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Write textfiles. Be an art fag. Wear all black, smoke cloves, and wait
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to die. You have so much damn anger and energy. Don't let it go to waste.
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Unite, and crush the opposition. Always remember that you are superior, and
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they are miserable whether they look it or not. Pipe you anger into something
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<gasp> constructive and kick some fucking ass. And when in doubt, place your
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thumb a few inches from your index finger and scream, "I'm crushing your head!"
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_______ __________________________________________________________________
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/ _ _ \|Demon Roach Undrgrnd.806/794-4362|Kingdom of Shit.....806/794-1842|
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((___)) |Cool Beans!..........415/648-PUNK|Polka AE {PW:KILL}..806/794-4362|
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[ x x ] |Metalland Southwest..713/579-2276|ATDT East...........617/350-STIF|
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\ / |The Works............617/861-8976|Ripco ][............312/528-5020|
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(' ') | Save yourself! Go outside! DO SOMETHING! |
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(U) |==================================================================|
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.ooM |Copyright (c) 1994 cDc communications and Jason Farnon. |
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\_______/|All Rights Reserved. 11/01/1994-#285|
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<EFBFBD><EFBFBD> |