149 lines
8.8 KiB
Plaintext
149 lines
8.8 KiB
Plaintext
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_____________ _/_/ | | \ \ _/_/ _____________
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| ___________ _/_/ | | \ \ _/_/ ___________ |
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| | _/_/_____ | | > > _/_/_____ | |
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| | /________/ | | / / /________/ | |
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| | c o m m u n i c a t i o n s | |
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| |________________________________________________________________| |
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|____________________________________________________________________|
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...presents... Mall Death
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by Snarfblat
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>>> a cDc publication.......1994 <<<
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-cDc- CULT OF THE DEAD COW -cDc-
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____ _ ____ _ ____ _ ____ _ ____
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|____digital_media____digital_culture____digital_media____digital_culture____|
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Mall Death:
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Sm3LlzZ Lik K-teEN SPIri+!!11!
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------------
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kindly donated to cDc
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by Snarfblat
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(The Durex Blender Corporation)
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______________________________________________________________________________
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Melissa woke up. She opened her eyes to find her cat, Molly, decapitated
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on the floor next to her. Ants were already crawling over the body, and some
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had drowned in the pools of now-dried blood. She screamed, fainted, woke up,
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vomited, fainted, woke up again and ran downstairs into the kitchen, screaming.
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Melissa was 13 years old, and had seen enough TV to know that violence is
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not real and people who die come back to life. Still, the shock of seeing her
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dead cat's decaying corpse had caused her extreme discomfort. Her mother
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prepared breakfast which consisted of Pop-Tarts and skim milk. Melissa was 5
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feet 6 inches tall and weighed 90 pounds, but she felt she was about 20-30
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pounds overweight. She would have died of anorexia within 6 months, but a more
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gruesome fate had been reserved for her.
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"Why don't you go to the mall, Melissa?" her mother suggested. "The mall
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always cheers you up." Melissa called her friends, Katie Lovelybisonshaver and
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Jenny Funkyhumperdink. After each girl had extracted fifty dollars from her
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respective mother, they were ready to descend on SunnyHappyBrook Mall. The
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town of SunnyHappyBrook had over 20 malls. Although one might expect each one
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to have a different theme or a different type of crowd, they were all exactly
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the same. They had the same stores, the same layout, the same evil mall smell
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which is a combination of hair spray and cigarette smoke.
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Melissa told her friends about her cat's sudden death. They were
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sympathetic. "Oh mah Gahd! Like that's so tragic. We'll treat you to a new
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can of hayah spray."
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Katie and Jenny took Melissa to the hairspray wing of the mall, where
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Melissa entered her favorite hair spray store. The walls, floor and ceiling of
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"The Upper Crust" were covered with bottles of various brands of hairspray.
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The store's workers were too moronic to ever arrange the bottles in any
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coherent manner, but that was okay because the demented young teenage girls who
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shopped there did not possess the synaptic abilities necessary to decipher any
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sort of structured organization which didn't exist anyway.
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She was digging through a large pile of spray cans in the back of the
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store, looking for a new brand she had seen advertised in "Bop"(TM) (F.T.W.)
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magazine. It was called "Spray Your Troubles Away Hairspray." Aside from
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being a hairspray, it was also a wart remover, a dessert topping, a spray enema
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and mace.
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She finally found the spray can, which to her was the Holy Grail. She had
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also obtained small cuts on her wrists and ankles from the sharp edges on the
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round cans.
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Melissa went to the checkout counter, but there was nobody there. She
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walked out of the store and smashed her face into the metal grate which had
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been pulled across the front of the store by one of the clerks two hours ago,
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when the mall had closed. Alas, she had not realized that her Beverly Hills
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90210 watch had stopped, but she couldn't tell time anyway, even on the large
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brightly colored digital timepiece. She was about to start to cry when she
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heard a loud rumbling noise that shook her and nearly shattered her hair.
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Outside the mall, an array of wrecking balls were preparing to demolish it to
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make way for a new, larger mall.
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Melissa scurried around the store like a monkey in a submarine as the
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booming sounds came closer and closer. The wrecking balls had reached the
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hairspray wing, as was evidenced by the wild cherry scents floating through the
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air, up to the ozone layer. Birds fell from the sky, their wings now encrusted
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with bizarre chemicals. They fell through residential sky lights into their
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kitchens, and some of them hit people and killed them, and some of the people
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who were killed fell onto their children and their grandchildren, killing them
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as well. And some other people who were hit dropped the gasoline and soap they
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were carrying into their nearby microwave ovens, and in their death spasms
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turned on the microwaves for five minutes, and when someone came to see what
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the commotion was, the microwaves exploded with the napalm that these unknowing
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anarchists had created, killing still more people. Other times, birds would
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fall through someone's sun roof in their car, and kill them, and the car would
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keep going and run over hundreds and thousands of innocent children, and some
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of these cars drove into gas stations and ruptured the pumps, causing massive
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explosions, and one of the explosions killed the last living panda bear. It
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was all very sad.
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Meanwhile, Melissa began desperately trying to escape from her aerosol
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prison. She thrashed her body against the cold steel rails of the fence that
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stood between her and her freedom. Bits of her body eventually went through,
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her excessive use of hairspray having caused her to become slightly leprous.
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The booming sounds came closer, and closer, and were accompanied by a
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counterpoint of crumbling concrete. Melissa knew she would soon be smashed to
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pieces.
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"Well, if I'm going to die anyway, I might as well see if "Wicked Yummy
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Happy Apple" scented hairspray really tastes like apples, or if it's just
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another trick designed by the wily advertising gurus to con stupid kids like
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myself into buying lame products for which we have no use." She opened her
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mouth, tilted her head back, closed her eyes and held the spray can in front of
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her mouth.
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At that moment, a wrecking ball flew through the steel grate. Within the
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span of one second, metal shards of gate shot through Melissa's body. Her
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limbs were pierced and shredded and her body bits flew in 42 different
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directions. The ball pushed the cherry flavored can down her throat, while at
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the same time puncturing it so that it exploded inside her stomach. The acid
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in her ruptured stomach ate away at her internal organs while the wrecking ball
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proceeded through her head, which, being held on by mere fibers of human flesh,
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tore off and floated away in a most surreal fashion. A second ball then flew
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through the store, and Melissa's body was crushed and carried away as it swung
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past.
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It took six days for her shattered remains to be collected, assembled and
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placed neatly in a coffin. Lots of people who didn't care about her took the
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day off from school to go to her funeral. When nobody was looking, one of them
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put a pickle in her mouth.
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_______ __________________________________________________________________
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/ _ _ \|Demon Roach Undrgrnd.806/794-4362|Kingdom of Shit.....806/794-1842|
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((___)) |Cool Beans!..........415/648-PUNK|Polka AE {PW:KILL}..806/794-4362|
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[ x x ] |Metalland Southwest..713/579-2276|ATDT East...........617/350-STIF|
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\ / |The Works............617/861-8976|Ripco ][............312/528-5020|
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(' ') | Save yourself! Go outside! DO SOMETHING! |
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(U) |==================================================================|
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.ooM |Copyright (c) 1994 cDc communications and Snarfblat. |
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\_______/|All Rights Reserved. 07/01/1994-#268|
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