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292 lines
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_____________ _/_/ | | \ \ _/_/ _____________
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| ___________ _/_/ | | \ \ _/_/ ___________ |
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| | c o m m u n i c a t i o n s | |
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| |________________________________________________________________| |
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|____________________________________________________________________|
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...presents... Condors, Ganja, Rah Rah Rah!
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by Clifton Royston
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and kEvin
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>>> a cDc publication.......1993 <<<
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-cDc- CULT OF THE DEAD COW -cDc-
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____ _ ____ _ ____ _ ____ _ ____
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|____digital_media____digital_culture____digital_media____digital_culture____|
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"Before I speak to you, I must be sure that your editor correctly
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informed you about the conditions of this interview?"
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"Yes, I think so. He said that anything which you said was off-the-
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record could not be attributed to you under any circumstances. I do take
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confidentiality seriously, and I think I can write my article so as to give the
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impression that I was getting information from other anonymous sources."
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"Good. There may be a few things I tell you that I do not want repeated
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at all, on or off the record. Is that understood?"
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"Yes."
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"Then you may proceed with your questions."
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"Let me check my notes.... Let's see. Am I correct that this all
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started out as an attempt to preserve the California Condor?"
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"Yes. As you are probably aware, the loss of genetic diversity due to
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extinctions has been a serious concern to scientists in a variety of
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disciplines. One of the new tracks which some scientists have been taking is
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to try to preserve the DNA - the genetic inheritance - of species which are on
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the brink of extinction."
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"Would it be fair to describe this as a hopeful new development?"
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"More of a desperate last stand, I'm afraid. No one really knows whether
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we will ever be able to recreate a lost species purely from samples of its DNA.
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This was one of the reasons we considered Dr. Zymos's proposal to be so
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promising. As you may or may not know, attempts to reintroduce captive condors
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to the wild have been disastrous. They are simply not able to cope with the
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terrible changes to the California ecology. The same is true of the dwindling
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population of Andean condors."
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"I had read something about that, yes. I gather the birds are very
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vulnerable to psychological shocks. What was Dr. Zymos's proposal,
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specifically?"
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"He proposed, first, that we continue to raise a captive population of
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condors so that their original genetic material would remain intact; second,
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that we take a separate population and attempt some minor modifications to
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their genetics which would render them more adaptable to the present situation,
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so that they could be re-released. A kind of accelerated evolution, if you
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will. He proposEd some very reasonable specific suggestions."
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"Could you go into some detail, before we move on?"
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"Let me see if I can recall the original list. First, some importation
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of certain Andean condor chromosomes purely for diversity. The breeding
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population of California condors is so small that they had lost most of the
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diversity needed for a vital species. Second, some modifications to their
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brain and limbic system, based on recently completed gene maps of the gray
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parrot. The gray parrot is an extremely intelligent bird; if one may speak of
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a bird as psychologically resilient and resourceful, I think that is an
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appropriate description. He hoped that this would make the condor more
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adaptable. Third, he wanted to increase its fertility so that it could cope
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with a higher fatality rate in this rather risky modern world of ours."
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"Did he hint at his later plans?"
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"Well... he had a few vague platitudes in there about increasing
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predatory efficiency and enhancing its natural defenses, but nothing specific.
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I want to emphasize that quite strongly. He did not write, or speak to any
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scientist whom I have had contact with, about his actual plans. Let me also
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say that we were quite elated to have a scientist of Dr. Zymos's caliber
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working on this project. His talent was legendary, and his devotion to birds
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was also well known throughout the scientific community. Perhaps that led us
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to be insufficiently careful in our oversight of this project."
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"All right. Let me skip forward now to a few months ago, when Professor
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Zymos died. Was it in fact a heart attack? I have heard claims of suicide."
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"No. I think that only someone very foolish who did not understand the
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situation could have claimed such a thing. It was definitely a heart attack.
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What do you expect when a man in his 50's spends every night out dancing with
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this college student girlfriend of his, at these all night 'raves' as they call
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them. He was simply asking for a heart attack. And if I may say so, I think
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it was a very fortunate thing for all of us."
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"I have heard claims that Professor Zymos had been taking this 'Ecstasy'
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and other drugs on a regular basis. Do you have any comments on this?"
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"Officially, on the record, I think that there is no evidence of any such
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thing. After all, many people go out dancing without taking any drugs. Off
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the record - I wish you to understand, this may not be attributed to me - off
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the record, I think it would explain a lot. Look what he was doing - he was a
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genius, but he was doing insane things. Only he could have done them, though."
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"Now this is where all my previous sources have gone vague. What exactly
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was he doing?"
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"He was modifying the condor's genetic material. I have read through his
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notes, over and over. He wanted to prove that he could produce a predatory
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bird that would compete in the modern world, and he wished to do so in the most
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thorough way. Oh, he had condors in the lab that had received the initial
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modifications he had proposed, but those were just for show. His real
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attentions were elsewhere."
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"But, what exactly did he do?"
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"All right, I will tell you. First, he made all of the changes I had
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stated above, only more so. They would have been larger and sturdier, like the
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Andean condor, and extremely fertile, raising two large broods every season.
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They would have had the condor's sharp senses, but the brain size and
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organization of the gray parrot. Have I mentioned that gray parrots are
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considered close to chimpanzees in intelligence? Finally, they would have had
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an extremely strong immune system to equip them to resist disease and
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pollution. That was the first round of changes. Then he began the second
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round. I must insist, I can find no evidence that anyone other than Dr. Zymos
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had any inkling of these changes. I mean, I would not have believed it was
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possible to do what he was doing by genetic surgery."
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"Is this off the record?"
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"No, no, I suppose it's better the public know. There will be hell to
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pay, but I believe it is time to have public debate on such things. I never
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would have thought such a thing before, but there it is. Where was I? Oh yes,
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composite plastics."
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"What?"
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"He worked out a way to modify some of the follicular cells so that
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instead of producing feathers, they would produce a composite plastic material
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- keratin fibers, thin bone-like crystals, all glued together - in an
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epoxy-like matrix. He believed that the condors would fare better with
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light-weight body armor. It's unbelievable. No one else would have dreamed
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such a thing, let alone accomplished it. I examined a full-grown one in the
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isolation cages when I took over the lab; its chest plates would stop a .32
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caliber bullet."
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"You're joking."
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"Oh, that was only the beginning. He made the beak and claws sharper and
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stronger, of course; that was minor. He made their olfactory sense and their
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eyesight sharper too. Those genes weren't even mapped! Somehow he enhanced
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their ability to smell blood; we think he was working with modified shark genes
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from a research lab in Monterey. Everyone was honored to have the famous Dr.
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Zymos take an interest in their work! And their sensitivity to the color red,
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too. He wanted them attracted to animals that were already wounded, so that
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they would have an easy time finding prey."
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"But, surely a condor couldn't attack an animal of any size?"
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"Oh, the Andean condors have reliably been reported to carry off small
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children occasionally, and dogs quite often. Let me say that I would not have
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wanted to face one myself, even without their chemical weapons."
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"Chemical?"
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"Yes. I think this - off the record - is where we can see that his mind
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was truly beginning to deteriorate under the drugs. He enhanced their ability
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to generate scent -"
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"Like a skunk?"
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"No, not like a skunk! Let me finish, damnit. He enhanced and altered
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it, combining it with the endorphin synthesis structures present in all higher
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animals. The endorphins are chemicals like opiates; they are drugs. His
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vision was that the condors would be able to subdue animals by sweeping over
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them, spraying them with these natural opiates so as to leave their victims
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totally dazed and unable to defend themselves. Then they would feed. Perhaps
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this led him to his last modification - God knows it makes no sense. THC."
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"THC?"
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"Tetra-hydro-cannabinol. The chief ingredient in marijuana. He somehow
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managEd to incorporate the plant genes into their chromosomes. He made them to
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synthesize it into their bloodstream, so they would be stoned all the time. It
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makes no sense at all biologically, it's a sick joke."
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"So what would he have done with these condors? Put them in a freak
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show?"
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"Don't you understand? He planned to release them into the wild, in the
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California hills and the Rocky Mountains. It would have been a disaster. We
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would never have been able to find them all and eradicate them fast enough.
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Then, once they bred sufficiently to move into inhabited areas - can you
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imagine it? A car accident on a lonely stretch of road, the driver or
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passengers bleeding, and the condors smell it from a thousand feet up. A flock
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of stoned condors - giant, armored, stoned condors - swooping low over them and
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spraying them until they are unable to resist, and then feeding upon them.
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It's a nightmare."
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"My god."
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"We would never have found out in time if he had not had that heart
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attack. I am not a religious man, but I think it was the hand of God. His
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notes say he was planning to release the first breeding pairs in May. When I
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took charge of the institute and saw what he had done, there was only one thing
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I could do. Despite what the animal rights groups have said, all the
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government pressure on me was to preserve them. The military wanted to
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evaluate them for training and use in missions, but I would not - I could not -
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allow the chance of their being accidentally or deliberately released."
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"I don't see how anyone sane could blame you. I will be calling you to
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verify my quotes before my editor runs the story, and... thank you, professor."
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______________________________________________________________________________
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"HI THERE fans, this is Chatty Joe McDowell, and we're 4 hours and 26
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minutes into our fantastic pre-game show. The players will be pouring onto the
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field in under 154 minutes, so we're going to quickly review the lifetime stats
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of every player who ever played for either team so YOU, the viewer, will be
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able to make sense of this, the ONE-HUNDRED and SIXTH Rose Bowl, in glorious
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Pasadena."
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"That's right Joe, but first a quick look at the field, where the fans
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have been cleared off of the playing area, and the BATTLE OF THE BANDS is about
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to begin.
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"You know Stan, in this historic first Rose Bowl meeting between these two
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teams, I find it amazing that such an intense rivalry has developed. Why even
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the bands are ready to go at it!"
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"That's right Joe, I don't know exactly what started the tiff between the
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Marching Hoosiers and the Stanford band, but they're not going to hold anything
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back in this all-out monster brass BLITZKRIEG, and we're going to cover it
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right after this word from our sponsors."
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[ ..]
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"WELCOME BACK, sports fans, I'm Chatty Joe McDowell with Stan Lap, and
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we're covering the ONE-HUNDRED and SIXTH Rose Bowl, pitting Stanford against
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Indiana for the very first time."
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"That's right Joe, not only is this the first time these two teams have
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played against each other, but this is the first time their bands have played
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against each other in all-out musical WAR. Right now, the Stanford band is
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taking the field to fire the opening salvo in this exchange, and..."
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"STAN, LOOK AT THAT! What are those things strafing the crowd? Ladies
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and Gentlemen, this celebration has taken a frightening turn! Huge birds have
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descended from the skies and are flying low over the crowd, emitting noxious
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fumes! I can clearly see their silver forms reflecting sunlight against the
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red sea in the stands. Many of the fans already seem too dazed to move and are
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just sitting there. The Stanford band seems unaffected by the fumes, and is
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continuing to perform as if they were seeing nothing unusual. OH MY GOD! Some
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of the birds have descended into the crowd and are FEEDING on the crowd. OH
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THIS IS HORRIBLE!"
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"That's right Joe, in the last ten minutes we've seen more fans die in the
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stands than have died in all previous Rose Bowls combined!"
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"STAN! LOOK OUT, one's flying this way. It appears to be a humongous,
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mutant condor.... [Crash...Tinkle...Caw] IT'S KILLING ME!"
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"That's right Joe, it appears to be ripping your intestines out and making
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bloody curlicues from the resultant mess. I must admit that those are the most
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fascinating patterns I've seen in over twenty years of professional sports-
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casting. Hmmn, I've just recieved notice that the game has been postponed
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until next week, so until then, this is Stan Lap, signing off."
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_______ __________________________________________________________________
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/ _ _ \|Demon Roach Undrgrnd.806/794-4362|Kingdom of Shit.....806/794-1842|
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((___)) |Cool Beans!..........510/THE-COOL|Polka AE {PW:KILL}..806/794-4362|
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[ x x ] |Metalland Southwest..713/468-5802|Moody Loners w/Guns.415/221-8608|
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\ / |The Works............617/861-8976|The Body Electric...916/673-8412|
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(' ') |ftp - zero.cypher.com in pub/cdc |ftp - ftp.eff.org in pub/cud/cdc|
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(U) |==================================================================|
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.ooM |1993 cDc communications by Clifton Royston & kEvin 07/01/93-#240|
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\_______/|Seven SUPER-CALI-FRAGIL-ISTIC-EXPI-ALI-DOCIOUS years of cDc. K! |
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