235 lines
12 KiB
Plaintext
235 lines
12 KiB
Plaintext
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_____________ _/_/ | | \ \ _/_/ _____________
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| ___________ _/_/ | | \ \ _/_/ ___________ |
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| | _/_/_____ | | > > _/_/_____ | |
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| | /________/ | | / / /________/ | |
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| | c o m m u n i c a t i o n s | |
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| |________________________________________________________________| |
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|____________________________________________________________________|
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...presents... The Briefing
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by Reid Fleming
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>>> a cDc publication.......1993 <<<
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-cDc- CULT OF THE DEAD COW -cDc-
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____ _ ____ _ ____ _ ____ _ ____
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|____digital_media____digital_culture____digital_media____digital_culture____|
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If you would, sir. Please follow me into the elevator. We have much to
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discuss. Believe me, global stability depends on it.
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You must insert your key and turn it as I turn mine. This is to get to
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the subbasement, below where the National Security Council meetings are held.
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No sir, I'm sure you _haven't_ heard of it.
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Ah, here we are. No, it's always this empty. There's sixteen feet of
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reinforced concrete and steel, and eight inches of lead, not to mention
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precautionary noise baffles - all designed to practically eliminate electronic
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surveillance. No one else is allowed down here, sir: none of the Cabinet, not
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even the Secret Service. No one but you, Mr. President, and I.
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Please take a chair. I have much to explain to you, and this could take
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some time. There is a bathroom through that door, if you need... you're sure?
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All right then, as you insist.
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First of all, congratulations on yesterday's inaugural address. It's the
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best speech I've heard from that balcony. Did you write it yourself? Oh, I
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was just wondering. Well, be sure to tell the speech writer it went over very
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well with the staff.
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I'm sure you've been wondering since the election when you'd be receiving
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your briefing on the Football. I'm sorry we couldn't arrange it sooner, but I
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think after you hear the answer you'll appreciate why that would have been
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impossible.
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You by no doubt recognize this black satchel as being the one designated
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as containing the Emergency War Orders, required by the Commander in Chief of
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the Strategic Air Command to launch our missiles in an aggressive posture. I
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think you'll be surprised at its actual contents, sir.
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Let me show you.
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See? Only half a bag of pretzels and a 1979 issue of Penthouse magazine.
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Well, it does happen to be some kind of joke, after a fashion. You see,
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these contents were the original items placed in the satchel when the Reagan
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administration took over, and none of the warrant officers have deemed it
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necessary to break with tradition. Maybe one or two have tried a pretzel, but
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otherwise the inventory has remained the same since January of 1981.
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No, sir. The Defense Department was worried that perhaps Reagan wasn't
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going to take his position seriously enough to keep his impulses at bay. As
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California's Governor, his approach to student demonstrations at UC Santa
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Barbara was, "If it's a bloodbath they want, I'll give them a bloodbath." The
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Pentagon decided that Reagan's personality was a bit too... _unstable_ to be
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trusted with the keys to the stockpile. Of course you remember his anti-Soviet
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statements. Reagan was, to put it politely, rather single-minded in his
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pursuit of the worldwide Communist menace. The DoD people indulged most of his
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aggressive desires, although they rejected his plan to annex Cuba.
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Forgive my digression, but now you understand the reasoning behind
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removing the Emergency War Orders from the Football.
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Ah, yes. Why haven't we replaced them? That's a fair question, but you
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must understand that it's not my place to make or explain high policy details.
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All that I'm permitted to say is that the orders originate in the Pentagon, and
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there's no reason for you to worry. No one's going to launch a nuclear war.
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Ever. At least, relying on current survivability figures.
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What's that? Well, you're aware of Reagan's "hands-off" management style.
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He was confident that his warrant officer knew the procedure of launching the
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nation's first strike weaponry, and as long as someone knew it, Reagan was
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happy. He was not what you'd call "detail-oriented."
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Excuse me? Could you repeat that?
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Oh. Well, the main reason I expect you not to go to the press with this
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information is that it would cause worldwide panic. _You don't hold the
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button_, and once the rest of the population is in on our little secret,
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foreign policy goes right out the window.
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Every two-bit dictator on the globe will be dropping ballistics on his
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enemy. The former Soviet Union will be forced to start hoarding its surviving
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weapons. The Dow Jones and Nikkei will nosedive, people will take to the
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streets, and the Pentagon will call for martial law in the lower 48. This
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means _anarchy_, Mr. President, and if you still feel compelled to tell this
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story to the world, there are still more regrettable measures we will have to
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take.
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I'm sure this isn't what you want.
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Good. Now then, rest assured that the Pentagon is on your side, mainly.
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On this map you'll find countries inextricably bound to our economy in green,
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and members of the Nuclear Club in red. If you want or need any sort of
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military intervention in any of the unshaded countries, just ask. I'll pass it
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up the chain of command and have an answer for you within a business week,
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holidays excepted. If approved, the DoD will provide an itemized list of
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forces and materiel at your disposal. Political circumstances sometimes affect
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their decision, but they're usually generous with the country's assets.
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Is something the matter? Well, it's just that you look a little....
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Maybe you need a break before I continue with the remainder of our talk. No?
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Do you mind if I have a cup of coffee? Thank you.
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Well, to be honest, this is the part I've really been dreading. I don't
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know how to break this, but I think the direct method is best. I've discussed
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it with a former warrant officer and he tried a scientific angle for his
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President, but it came off rather badly, and I really wish to learn from his
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mistake.
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Mr. President, listen to me very carefully. I don't care what you thought
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before you stepped into this room tonight, but you're going to come away
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changed. Look at these photographs, commit them to memory. I'll burn them
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before we leave this level. Believe what I'm about to say.
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UFOs are real.
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Right. When you're done laughing, I'll continue. No, there's no camera,
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sir. No, sir. I assure you. Candid camera is not putting me up to this, as
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you say.
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Do I look like I'm joking, Mr. President?
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OK. These pictures were taken from a distance of a thousand yards, so the
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detail's really quite extraordinary. These are the members of the alien
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Consulate.
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Look, why would I tell you such a sophomoric story if it weren't true?
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What do _I_ stand to gain? Just accept it.
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Not only are they real, but we've had diplomatic relations for a while
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now. We have made several rounds of negotiations with the aliens over the past
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several years. No, I can't tell you how many negotiations, except that there
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have been several bargaining summits.
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Bargaining, yes. That's the rub, really. You must understand that the
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aliens have got it stuck in their minds that since we've been sharing the same
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solar system for thousands of years that our planet is just another parcel of
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their real estate. They consider our relatively backward culture foolish in
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not acquiescing to their demands.
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The slavery of humanity, the exhaustive depletion of our nonrenewable
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natural resources....
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Well, for tribute to our new masters. Also, there's providing for
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human-alien reproductive hybrids, not to mention the genetic sampling of
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domestic livestock, surveillance of experimental aircraft, the list goes on.
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What? Oh, yes. The crop circles are really a sore point of contention
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right now. It's totally outside the boundaries of our original agreement - it
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provided that the Pentagon has the sole responsibility of breaking the news by
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January 4th, 1998. Well, that gave us thirty years to inform the world, but to
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be frank, we've been dragging our feet. You understand, worldwide panic....
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At any rate, it falls to us to tell everyone. It's spelled out clearly in
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our documents of surrender. And these crop circles clearly violate that
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covenant. It's an interesting form of data encryption, those glyphs, but the
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Agency has broken it and we're very disappointed with the Slyjjawnis' conduct.
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However, this does open the legal possibilities; we're currently planning
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litigation to push back the date, maybe a few decades, as a punitive measure.
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I'm telling you this because it's going to affect policy. There are
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certain scientific endeavors that we aren't allowed to fund, or even allow to
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persist on the planet. Certain designs for high-speed particle colliders are
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off-limits. That's why we're building 30-mile diameter cyclotrons, when any
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particle physics PhD could tell you that we could get better results with a new
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theoretical accelerator the size of a baseball diamond, for a fraction of the
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cost. Oh, well. We're bound by our agreement.
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Ditto for aneutronic energy devices. You know that crank you always see
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in Discover and OMNI magazines, trying to raise a measly $200,000 to get his
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aneutronic reactor going? Two hundred thousand dollars is nothing. Why can't
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he raise it? Because enough investors know that if they talk to that man,
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their legs will be broken, and if they give him money, well... it's very
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unpleasant.
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Anyway, so, any science-based policy comes through me, your warrant
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officer. I pass it on up to the bosses, and they'll pass it back down with
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amendments, changes, and deletions to keep it within the boundaries of our
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contract. Understood?
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Good.
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Well, I... I don't know if I should - how are you feeling, sir? Are you
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sure? No, it's just that....
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Yes, there _is_ one more. Maybe we should schedule another briefing for
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the rest of the material. I'm sure this is quite a lot to digest.
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Ha ha ha. No, sir. If you weren't mentally sound enough to handle it,
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they wouldn't have had you elected, now would they?
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Let's get going. I think we've accomplished all we can for tonight.
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No, sir. Both keys aren't necessary to return to the White House.
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You just have to press this button.
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OK, then. We still have one more item to discuss, but we'll get to it
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soon enough. Meanwhile, enjoy your stay in the White House. And, sir,
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remember, if you pull for the team, I can personally guarantee you another
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term.
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Goodnight, Mr. President.
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_______ __________________________________________________________________
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/ _ _ \|Demon Roach Undrgrnd.806/794-4362|Kingdom of Shit.....806/794-1842|
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((___)) |Cool Beans!..........510/THE-COOL|Polka AE {PW:KILL}..806/794-4362|
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[ x x ] |Ripco................312/528-5020|Moody Loners w/Guns.415/221-8608|
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\ / |The Works............617/861-8976|Finitopia...........916/673-8412|
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(' ') |Lunatic Labs.........213/655-0691|ftp - ftp.eff.org in pub/cud/cdc|
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(U) |==================================================================|
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.ooM |Copr. 1993 cDc communications by Reid Fleming 01/01/93-#203|
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\_______/|All Rights Drooled Away. SIX GLORIOUS YEARS of cDc|
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