161 lines
8.5 KiB
Plaintext
161 lines
8.5 KiB
Plaintext
|
|
_
|
|
| \
|
|
| \
|
|
| | \
|
|
__ | |\ \ __
|
|
_____________ _/_/ | | \ \ _/_/ _____________
|
|
| ___________ _/_/ | | \ \ _/_/ ___________ |
|
|
| | _/_/_____ | | > > _/_/_____ | |
|
|
| | /________/ | | / / /________/ | |
|
|
| | | | / / | |
|
|
| | | |/ / | |
|
|
| | | | / | |
|
|
| | | / | |
|
|
| | |_/ | |
|
|
| | | |
|
|
| | c o m m u n i c a t i o n s | |
|
|
| |________________________________________________________________| |
|
|
|____________________________________________________________________|
|
|
|
|
...presents... Ruth
|
|
by Obscure Images
|
|
|
|
>>> a cDc publication.......1991 <<<
|
|
-cDc- CULT OF THE DEAD COW -cDc-
|
|
______________________________________________________________________________
|
|
|
|
|
|
I met Ruth in April of 1989, before I graduated from high school. I was
|
|
attracted to her from the first moment I saw her. For three months after I met
|
|
her, I rarely saw her, thinking of her only as Seth's girlfriend. After those
|
|
three months, circumstance stepped into the game and I fell in love with her.
|
|
It was only four months later that our relationship officially ended.
|
|
Officially ended, but unofficially I don't think that it ever will.
|
|
|
|
I fell in love with her several days before we both moved to school. A
|
|
friend of mine was having a party for those of us who were leaving for school.
|
|
The party was very wild, and people were having a good time. Eventually, the
|
|
party worked its way into my friend Brad's bedroom where everyone was messing
|
|
around on his waterbed. The party drifted away from the bedroom after about 45
|
|
minutes, leaving me behind floating on the bed thinking. I was laying there
|
|
for about five minutes when Ruth walked into the bedroom, pausing for a moment
|
|
in the shadows on the other side of the room before approaching me. She was
|
|
far from the typical standard of perfect female beauty, but she seemed radiant
|
|
to me nonetheless. She was a short woman, with wide hips, or as she liked to
|
|
say, "child-bearing hips." She was also slightly overweight, but it worked to
|
|
her advantage because it made her seem more voluptuous. Her skin was very
|
|
pale, white as ivory, a tone that even the sun could not destroy. Her face was
|
|
oval shaped, with full red lips, and green eyes that were slightly crooked.
|
|
Her eyes made her look more exotic and mysterious, as well as causing her to
|
|
seem sad all the time. The finishing touch was her long flowing black hair.
|
|
She walked across the room and laid down on the bed beside me, where we spent
|
|
the rest of the party cuddling. It was the first time in my life that I had
|
|
felt anything other than indifference toward anyone. It was also the first
|
|
time that I ever fell in love.
|
|
|
|
A full-fledged love didn't appear between us for several weeks after the
|
|
night of the party. It was only when I began to talk to her and respect her
|
|
that I fell completely in love. In the weeks that followed, we found that we
|
|
needed each other. We were both alone at school, homesick and depressed,
|
|
without anything to do. The attachment to each other grew very strong between
|
|
us, even though she was still dating Seth. In the midst of unending
|
|
depression, I was happier than I had ever been in my life.
|
|
|
|
Ruth was the only person that was keeping me away from insanity. When we
|
|
talked it meant something. When we went out together we always had a good
|
|
time. I felt that my life was beginning to have some meaning, and as long as I
|
|
had her I would always be happy. Unfortunately, it wasn't long into our
|
|
relationship that she began to self-destruct. That was when it all began to
|
|
die.
|
|
|
|
I fell to the ground, stinking drunk and feeling sick. I was retching
|
|
into a gutter outside a friend's house. It was a horrible night so far, and it
|
|
kept getting worse as it went along. When I stopped heaving, I looked up to
|
|
see Ruth, bathed by the moonlight, crying.
|
|
|
|
"Oh Paulie, I feel so bad, I wish I would die right now! I can't take
|
|
this any more!"
|
|
|
|
I couldn't reply, I was too drunk to say anything coherent. I did manage,
|
|
however, to stand up and hold her until she stopped crying. We managed to walk
|
|
to my dorm room and get into bed before we both passed out.
|
|
|
|
The next day after classes were over, we met again in the lobby. I was
|
|
sitting in the lounge smoking a cigarette when she came in. Although she was
|
|
looking as beautiful as ever; I could tell there was something wrong. She
|
|
looked upset and I could tell that there was something bothering her. Later in
|
|
the day I would find out that I was right, and it would turn out to be the
|
|
worst day of my life.
|
|
|
|
"Paul, we need to talk."
|
|
"Ok, have a seat."
|
|
"No, I mean that we have to talk in private."
|
|
|
|
As we walked silently to my room I felt very heavy, as if I knew that
|
|
something bad was going to happen to me. By the time we reached my room, I
|
|
understood what was going to occur.
|
|
|
|
"I've been thinking a lot about what we are doing, and it is wrong. I
|
|
think that I should be faithful to Seth."
|
|
|
|
"What do you mean?"
|
|
|
|
"I mean we have to stop all of this, no more kissing or holding hands or
|
|
any of it."
|
|
|
|
I couldn't say anything in return, so I sat down and turned my face away
|
|
from her so she couldn't see the tears that were welling up in my eyes. She
|
|
walked in front of me, knowing what I was feeling. When I looked at her, she
|
|
was shaking.
|
|
|
|
"I still love you, but this just can't go on, I feel so horrible about
|
|
betraying Seth."
|
|
|
|
"I don't give a shit about Seth, I love you."
|
|
|
|
"I know you love me, and I love you too, this is just something that I
|
|
have to do."
|
|
|
|
By now I was crying, and once again I felt so alone. Instinctively I
|
|
stood up and moved to her, clutching her against me. She was crying.
|
|
|
|
I felt her take another breath and say, "Could I ask you something?"
|
|
|
|
"Anything."
|
|
|
|
"When I need you, do you think that I could still give you a kiss?"
|
|
|
|
"Any time you want to."
|
|
|
|
She hugged me tighter and quickly said, "I've got to go." She let go of
|
|
me and left me alone to think about it.
|
|
|
|
The next few months were a living hell. The pain would not stop, I really
|
|
didn't think that it would ever end. We avoided each other to reduce the pain,
|
|
yet I was always there when she needed me. I was there when she was too drunk
|
|
to walk home. I was there when she wanted to kill herself. I was there
|
|
whenever she had a fight with Seth. Every time she needed me; I was there. I
|
|
took her pain and added it to my own. Eventually, the pain got unbearable and
|
|
I resorted to other ways of getting rid of it. I took to cutting myself with
|
|
an X-Acto knife and then pouring cologne on the wound to make the physical pain
|
|
blinding, to drown out the memory of our love. I wrote letters to her in my
|
|
own blood; I would do anything to temporarily get rid of the pain. Eventually,
|
|
the agony was dulled to an aching throb. We became friends again, although our
|
|
friendship always hurt, haunted by our love. Even now, several years later,
|
|
the pain still remains. When we touch all the joy and all the pain come back
|
|
as intensely as before. Ruth was my first and only love, and only now do I
|
|
realize the consequence of falling in love. Love isn't an emotion, it's a
|
|
disease.
|
|
_ _ ____________________________________________________________________
|
|
/((___))\|Demon Roach Undrgrnd.806/794-4362|Kingdom of Shit.......806/794-1842|
|
|
[ x x ] |NIHILISM.............517/546-0585|The Polka AE{PW:KILL} 806/794-4362|
|
|
\ / |Ripco................312/528-5020|Tequila Willy's GSC...209/526-3194|
|
|
(' ') |The Works............617/861-8976|Blitzkrieg............502/499-8933|
|
|
(U) |====================================================================|
|
|
.ooM |Copr. 1991 cDc communications by Obscure Images 10/31/91-#197|
|
|
\_______/|All Rights Pissed Away. FIVE YEARS of cDc|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|