620 lines
30 KiB
Plaintext
620 lines
30 KiB
Plaintext
|
|
_
|
|
| \
|
|
| \
|
|
| | \
|
|
__ | |\ \ __
|
|
_____________ _/_/ | | \ \ _/_/ _____________
|
|
| ___________ _/_/ | | \ \ _/_/ ___________ |
|
|
| | _/_/_____ | | > > _/_/_____ | |
|
|
| | /________/ | | / / /________/ | |
|
|
| | | | / / | |
|
|
| | | |/ / | |
|
|
| | | | / | |
|
|
| | | / | |
|
|
| | |_/ | |
|
|
| | | |
|
|
| | c o m m u n i c a t i o n s | |
|
|
| |________________________________________________________________| |
|
|
|____________________________________________________________________|
|
|
|
|
...presents... No Experience Necessary
|
|
by The Pusher
|
|
|
|
>>> a cDc publication.......1991 <<<
|
|
-cDc- CULT OF THE DEAD COW -cDc-
|
|
______________________________________________________________________________
|
|
|
|
|
|
If Johns had been his usual careless self, he would have missed this one
|
|
in the want ads:
|
|
|
|
==============================================================
|
|
= WANTED =
|
|
= =
|
|
= Angel of Death =
|
|
= -------------- =
|
|
= =
|
|
= No Experience Necessary =
|
|
= =
|
|
= On-the-job training, good starting pay, fringe benefits =
|
|
= =
|
|
==============================================================
|
|
|
|
Johns had been a policeman in the past, but he got shot, so he quit. Now
|
|
he did whatever people did during the day. Variety is the spice of life,
|
|
however, and Johns decided it was time to rejoin the work force.
|
|
|
|
At 7 A.M. every morning, he would walk out to the corner newsstand and buy
|
|
a paper. Johns' paper of choice was unfortunately located next to the adult
|
|
magazines. Johns always kept his eyes focused directly on the paper, and
|
|
grabbed for it in one fluid motion. He made sure that no one thought "Hey, I
|
|
bet that guy really wants Monthly Melons instead of the paper!"
|
|
|
|
He would always turn first to the obituaries. Having the knowledge that a
|
|
famous person died is a great way to meet strangers. After a quick perusal of
|
|
the obit section, Johns would turn to the want ads. He was constantly amazed
|
|
at the massive amount of jobs to be had. Who came up with all these jobs? At
|
|
what point in time did "Capital Market Trader" become a job?
|
|
|
|
Johns had realized that the more words there were describing the job, the
|
|
harder it was. He counted the words of every Help Wanted ad for the last 3
|
|
months, and this angel of death one had far fewer words than any other. He
|
|
decided that no other ad in the future could have less words. To actually
|
|
check would take up a lot of time. Satisfied that he had found a job that one
|
|
could grow old and miserable with, Johns left his apartment. He didn't lock
|
|
the door because he had gotten tired of the apartment, and whoever wanted it
|
|
could have it.
|
|
|
|
The job interview was very short. A tall woman with short hair asked him
|
|
a bunch of questions. She wanted to know if he had any living relatives, was
|
|
he a homosexual, did he mind working late. She had him sign a few forms, and
|
|
she said he was hired. Johns inquired as to what he would be doing, and the
|
|
tall woman with short hair told him that he would be an angel of death, just
|
|
like the ad said. "But what does an angel of death exactly do," said Johns.
|
|
|
|
"Why, Mr. Johns, we assume that you would have some knowledge of the job
|
|
you are applying for. Anyway, you just go around to hospitals and end the
|
|
suffering of dying people."
|
|
|
|
Johns wanted to know why they needed help in dying.
|
|
|
|
"To save them years of suffering. You wouldn't want your own mother
|
|
rotting away from some horrible disease would you?"
|
|
|
|
Johns replied that he had never known his mother but he certainly hoped
|
|
she would never have to rot away from a horrible disease.
|
|
|
|
"Never the less, our firm's responsibilities include making sure a
|
|
qualified person is in this position. Have I made a mistake in selecting you?"
|
|
|
|
Johns hoped she hadn't because she was a very nice lady, and he didn't
|
|
want her to lose her job.
|
|
|
|
"I whole-heartedly appreciate your concern for my well being. Here is
|
|
your first set of assignments, good luck and good bye."
|
|
|
|
Johns replayed the whole interview in his mind, while looking at the piece
|
|
of paper he had been handed. He knew where the hospitals were. Johns decided
|
|
to make a good impression the first day of work. He also decided to pick up a
|
|
paper and starting the counting the words in the Help Wanted ads again.
|
|
Apparently, he had found an exception to less-words-less-work rule.
|
|
|
|
The first hospital was on a street that Johns avoided most of the time.
|
|
Lots of colored people lived on the street, and Johns didn't like them. Johns
|
|
didn't like the way they looked at him, or the music they listened to. As
|
|
Johns was nearing the hospital, he passed a man lying in the street. The man
|
|
was very tall, but his feet were small, and covered with a plastic bag. The
|
|
man asked Johns for money. Johns gave the man his wallet, and recommended a
|
|
pair a shoes, because foot blisters could be a very painful experience.
|
|
|
|
The hospital was a big place. It looked like it could hold a lot of
|
|
people, which Johns thought was very important. A big hospital could hold a
|
|
lot of sick people. He walked up to a desk and announced that a tall woman
|
|
with short hair had sent him. Johns felt it was important to let people know
|
|
you were there. No one came up to him. Johns spoke again in a much louder
|
|
tone of voice.
|
|
|
|
"Can I help you?" said a masculine-looking female nurse.
|
|
|
|
Johns replied that the tall woman with short hair had sent him.
|
|
|
|
"The who?"
|
|
|
|
Johns repeated himself this time emphasizing the 'tall'.
|
|
|
|
"Could you give me a name?"
|
|
|
|
Johns tried once more, this time stressing the 'short'.
|
|
|
|
"Are you with the firm?"
|
|
|
|
Johns didn't know if he was with the firm, but he was a positive-minded
|
|
person, so he said "yes."
|
|
|
|
"Ahh... might you be the new angel of death?"
|
|
|
|
Johns was following clearly now, and responded with a triumphant "Yes!"
|
|
|
|
"Do you have any identification?"
|
|
|
|
"I don't have my wallet," said Johns.
|
|
|
|
"Where is it then?"
|
|
|
|
"The tall man with short feet and potential blister problems has it," said
|
|
Johns.
|
|
|
|
"Where do they find you people? God's work should not be carried out by
|
|
simpletons. However, I'll trust that you're the new man. Do your duty for
|
|
Jesus."
|
|
|
|
Is Jesus the name of the tall woman with short hair, wondered Johns.
|
|
Being a male, Johns knew that most males wouldn't want to take a woman named
|
|
Jesus out on date.
|
|
|
|
Johns fortunately still had the piece of paper the tall woman with short
|
|
hair had given him. He had located the first room on the list. Polite was
|
|
something Johns always tried to be, so he knocked on the door. With the 2nd
|
|
knock, the door swung open, revealing a pile of tubes and machines. It took a
|
|
few moments for Johns to realize that there was a man underneath the pile.
|
|
Johns had set to the task of finding the first room on the list, and now that
|
|
he had completed the task, Johns was at a standstill. Johns asked the man
|
|
underneath the pile for a suggestion.
|
|
|
|
It was a nice day outside, but the dying man didn't respond. Johns asked
|
|
again, but the only response was the beeping from the medical machine to the
|
|
bed's left. Johns reviewed the whole situation in his mind. He was an angel
|
|
of death, and he was supposed to end the suffering of dying men. So the
|
|
problem, thought Johns, was to end the man's suffering. Now he was up against
|
|
the proverbial brick wall.
|
|
|
|
Johns thought and thought, and still couldn't come up with a solution, so
|
|
he left the hospital, and the list of assignments was absent-mindedly left
|
|
behind.
|
|
|
|
Sitting on a sidewalk across town from the hospital, Johns was very
|
|
unhappy. First day on the job and already screwing up. He thought about
|
|
walking back to the place where he was hired, and apologizing to the tall lady
|
|
with short hair. Unfortunately, the location of the place was a mystery to
|
|
Johns. In fact, he can't EVER remember knowing the location of the place. How
|
|
he gotten there for the job interview was a mystery that Johns would ponder on
|
|
another day. Johns was a big fan of mysteries. He hated it when they didn't
|
|
get solved.
|
|
|
|
Johns had another problem to solve also. He was getting very hungry.
|
|
There were a bunch of street vendors in the neighborhood that Johns was sulking
|
|
in. He asked all of them for food, and none of them would give up a crumb.
|
|
Johns tried to reason with them. "Would you giving me that hot dog cause the
|
|
stock market to collapse?" he asked. "Are those potato chips necessary for
|
|
world peace?" he begged. As luck would have it, the street vendors didn't care
|
|
much about the economy or the balance of power, and so Johns went hungry. He
|
|
imagined sitting down in front of a meal. Ten minutes later it would be gone,
|
|
and Johns would no longer be hungry. Ten minutes between hunger and happiness.
|
|
|
|
Johns eventually solved the problem by pummeling an older man and stealing
|
|
his food. It certainly wasn't a nice thing to do, but sometimes you're the bug
|
|
and sometimes you're the windshield.
|
|
|
|
Johns awoke the next morning after a good night's sleep. He lifted up his
|
|
head to see a fire hydrant staring him in the face. He didn't know how he
|
|
ended up sleeping next to a fire hydrant, and he hoped that no dogs were taken
|
|
out for a midnight walk.
|
|
|
|
Johns also noticed a lot of police cars down at the end of the block.
|
|
There was an ambulance also. Johns got excited over the sight of the
|
|
ambulance. Ambulances meant injured people, and Johns like to watch the faces
|
|
of injured people. He'd didn't enjoy the pain and suffering, but he liked to
|
|
read their thoughts. He always knew what they were thinking. If I had just
|
|
stayed home instead of going out, they thought. If I had left early this
|
|
wouldn't have happened, they contemplated. Johns knew these things were going
|
|
to happen anyway, but he didn't want to rain on anyone's parade.
|
|
|
|
The ambulance was there one for one guy, and his body was entirely covered
|
|
by a sheet. It wasn't because he was ashamed of his outdated hairstyle.
|
|
|
|
"Who was this guy?"
|
|
|
|
"Who cares? With a haircut like that, I'd rather be dead also."
|
|
|
|
"I heard he was employed by the firm."
|
|
|
|
"Why, do you mean the firm that hires people for jobs like angel of death
|
|
and stuff? The firm nea-"
|
|
|
|
Some kid drove by at that instant blasting his stereo, and the rest of the
|
|
conversation was inaudible to Johns. A piece of paper was blown right into
|
|
Johns' face. He grabbed it and read it. It was a copy of the assignments the
|
|
tall lady with short hair had given him.
|
|
|
|
_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/
|
|
|
|
I wake up, and another day of agony greets me. My life is based around
|
|
one concept: PAIN. I've forgotten everything but pain. I'm surprised I can
|
|
still think, the pain has engulfed everything else. The constant pain is the
|
|
only thing that lets me know I still exist. It's kind of funny how I ended up
|
|
like this. I was at this party with my friend and he got too drunk to drive,
|
|
so I drove us home. On the way home, a drunk driver hit US! How's that for
|
|
irony? If I'd let my friend drive we probably would've made it home safely.
|
|
They told me what happened to him, but it slipped my mind soon after. To be
|
|
honest, I'm more concerned with myself right now.
|
|
|
|
_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/
|
|
|
|
Understandably, Johns was quite amazed at his good fortune. He felt like
|
|
it was almost a case of divine intervention. Johns could perform his job
|
|
properly now that he had the list of assignments back in his hands. The list
|
|
was neatly typed all one page, and except for the first listing, the print was
|
|
very small. So small that Johns had to squint and move the paper back and
|
|
forth just to read what was written. It looked like he was doing some new form
|
|
of aerobics. Johns didn't hold much of an interest in cardiovascular
|
|
exercises, but he did enjoy looking at maps often. He looked at maps when he
|
|
wasn't perusing the want ads. There were a lot of hidden streets and tricky
|
|
spots in the city, but Johns knew them all. After 45 minutes of eye scrunching
|
|
and arm moving, Johns concluded that he knew the location of every place on the
|
|
list.
|
|
|
|
Johns was still ecstatic over finding the list, but when he realized where
|
|
the first place on the list was, his happy feelings were shot down like a bird.
|
|
He had to go all the way uptown. The city was a big place, and to walk would
|
|
take hours and hours. Johns didn't mind the duration of the trip, just the
|
|
pain his feet would go through. There was always public transportation, but
|
|
they're not public if you're poor.
|
|
|
|
Johns was halfway there when he realized that he hadn't bathed in a long
|
|
time. People usually start to give off unpleasant odors when they don't clean
|
|
themselves. Johns had not bathed in a long time, yet he smelled clean as a
|
|
whistle. He also realized he had not eaten ever since stealing an older man's
|
|
food. That was a long time ago, and yet Johns felt like he had just finished
|
|
off a four-course meal. He tried not to think about it, so as not to hex his
|
|
good fortune.
|
|
|
|
Johns walked a little bit more, and then collapsed from exhaustion.
|
|
Walking in a big city can take a lot out of you.
|
|
|
|
In his last moments of consciousness, Johns was able to stretch out on the
|
|
side of some stairs leading up to an ornate apartment building. Later that
|
|
night a big man pulled him up those stairs.
|
|
|
|
_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/
|
|
|
|
Wouldn't you think that there's a limit to how much pain a broken body can
|
|
generate? I certainly hoped so. I assumed that eventually I would just stop
|
|
feeling the pain and become delirious. It's not working. I am awake and alive
|
|
for every second of it, and it's really starting to get boring. After all,
|
|
spending every day in constant agony just gets monotonous, y'know? Just to
|
|
make things interesting one day, I attacked the nurse when she came in to
|
|
change the sheets. Before the accident, I would think about getting into a
|
|
situation like this. I told myself, "I'll fight to the end. There's no way
|
|
I'm pulling my own plug." Now that I'm in that situation, however, I can see
|
|
where these "Right-To-Die" people are coming from.
|
|
|
|
The door to my room opened, and a very slick looking guy walked in. He
|
|
had a Rolex, slicked back hair with a pony tail, a suit that cost the same as a
|
|
week in this hospital. He looked me right in the eye, smiled, and spoke.
|
|
|
|
"Thinking about dying? Have I got a deal for you!"
|
|
|
|
_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/
|
|
|
|
Johns awoke in a room without doors. He sat up into an Indian-style
|
|
position. A leading men's magazine lay on the floor to his left. Johns looked
|
|
at the wall to his right. Graphic scenes of torture and brutality were
|
|
depicted in vivid drawings. On the left, deviant sexual acts were illustrated.
|
|
The ceiling displayed scenes of substance abuse. Johns view turned to the
|
|
floor, and was instantly nauseated by what he saw. He quickly stood up, and
|
|
got on his toes. It was only a drawing, but Johns didn't want any part of his
|
|
body touching the floor. It was then that he noticed the six naked men sitting
|
|
in front of him. They had on black hoods and an enormous amount of body hair.
|
|
Behind the six men were another six, dressed the same. And behind them were
|
|
another six.
|
|
|
|
Johns instantly grasped the meaning of the three sixes. He knew that if
|
|
you added up the sixes you got 18. Johns also knew that he was born on the
|
|
18th day of the month. Therefore, the men had something to do with himself.
|
|
Johns was pleased that he had figured out the puzzle.
|
|
|
|
One of the hooded men spoke.
|
|
|
|
"Hey man, stop watching my crotch!"
|
|
|
|
_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/
|
|
|
|
"Am I thinking about dying?! Who the hell are you?"
|
|
|
|
The slick man's smile widened. "My name's Alucard. Don't bother spelling
|
|
it, you'll only strain your brain. Maybe you've heard of my client. Then
|
|
again, maybe you haven't."
|
|
|
|
_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/
|
|
|
|
The boardroom was as tense as a mother watching her daughter leave on her
|
|
first date. Tempers were flaring, people were getting unruly. Legal
|
|
strategies were flying across the room.
|
|
|
|
"If we go to court, we'll take them to the cleaners. They don't have a
|
|
chance in hell!"
|
|
|
|
"But we'll get tangled up in the appeals. It's not worth the struggle."
|
|
|
|
"It sounds like we will come out victorious, but what about the legal fe-"
|
|
|
|
Everyone instantaneously stopped speaking, and looked directly towards the
|
|
head of the conference table.
|
|
|
|
The old guy with the long white beard hadn't spoken, but everyone sensed
|
|
that he was about to. He did speak.
|
|
|
|
"If we are rash we shall crash."
|
|
|
|
_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/
|
|
|
|
The hooded man spoke again to Johns.
|
|
|
|
"You're not some homo are ya? We're not getting paid enough to deal with
|
|
any homos."
|
|
|
|
Johns did not speak.
|
|
|
|
"Jesus... we always get the freaks in here. Ok, let's see... you're
|
|
Johns, right?"
|
|
|
|
Johns said that he was himself. The hooded man was now holding a
|
|
clipboard and a pencil. He checked off Johns' name, flipped the paper over,
|
|
and read in a robotic yet tired tone.
|
|
|
|
"Hi! I am a representative for Damnation Enterprises. My firm can offer
|
|
you many years of misery and suffering for affordable rates. Special group
|
|
rates are available also! Unfortunately, your present employer and occupation
|
|
makes you ineligible to become a suffering member of the Damnation Enterprises
|
|
clientele. Please reconsider the choices you have made so you can become a
|
|
member of our family today!"
|
|
|
|
Johns was silent.
|
|
|
|
"Are you retarded of something? Ya know, I got better things to do then
|
|
sit here all day with my ding-dong flopping around. Look, I'll make it simple
|
|
for you. We want you to come down under with us. But you can't if you're
|
|
working for you-know-who up there."
|
|
|
|
Johns asked who he was working for up there.
|
|
|
|
"Where do you people come from? That's it, you're history."
|
|
|
|
Johns collapsed from exhaustion on the ground once again. As he entered
|
|
dreamland, Johns suddenly realized that he was wearing the wrong type of
|
|
footwear for long-distance walking.
|
|
|
|
Johns had never had a dream before, so he was a little unsure of what do
|
|
in one. He saw that he was in a line with other people. It looked like there
|
|
were a hundred people ahead of him, and a hundred people behind him. He looked
|
|
to the left and right and saw no walls. Only advertisements for free toasters
|
|
and low interest rates. If he strained his eyes and looked ahead, he could see
|
|
people were on line to get at one bankteller's window. Johns felt sorry for
|
|
the teller. One person handling the banking transactions for hundreds of
|
|
people. Angry people. Angry that they had been working the same job for an
|
|
eternity. Angry that they had given everything and gotten nothing. Angry that
|
|
they were in line. The line wasn't your basic straight line. It was all over
|
|
the place. It was everywhere in every dimension. Everyone was in the line,
|
|
and the line was in everyone.
|
|
|
|
Johns had no idea how much time had passed, but he was now at the front of
|
|
the line. He walked to the window. He had waited on the line, gotten to the
|
|
front of the line, but now he wasn't sure what to do.
|
|
|
|
"Where's your check, buddy?"
|
|
|
|
Johns had no idea where his check was. He looked down at his hands and
|
|
saw he was holding an envelope, so he handed that over. The teller was just a
|
|
regular person. Johns couldn't tell if the teller was male or female.
|
|
|
|
"Well, here you go. It's all there."
|
|
|
|
Johns stared at the currency.
|
|
|
|
"Yeah, the big guy upstairs really takes a cut doesn't he?"
|
|
|
|
Johns woke up from his dream and noticed he was outside again. He got up,
|
|
yawned once, yawned twice, and started walking.
|
|
|
|
_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/
|
|
|
|
Alucard, the slick lawyer, was operating at prime efficiency. From the
|
|
moment he walked in the room, Alucard knew that he had this guy from the car
|
|
accident right in the palms of his hands. In a carefully executed move,
|
|
Alucard walked closer to the bed and sat down, putting the accident victim at
|
|
ease. Alucard cracked another smile and spoke clearly and firmly.
|
|
|
|
"Ok, let's face it. You're in bad shape. You're so close to death,
|
|
they're just finishing the last letters on your tombstone. Death is a very sad
|
|
time. It's also a very--"
|
|
|
|
"Excuse me a second. You said you were representing 'your client'. Are
|
|
you trying to sue me for something or sell me something?"
|
|
|
|
"Just be patient. Death is a very difficult thing, legally and
|
|
physically. The person I represent can give you a happy and successful
|
|
afterlife."
|
|
|
|
"I'm still confused. Are you a lawyer or a salesman?"
|
|
|
|
"Both! I sell death, but it's so complicated that you need a law degree."
|
|
|
|
_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/
|
|
|
|
Johns had finally reached the 2nd location on the list. He failed to do
|
|
his job at the first location, but now he was going to do things right. This
|
|
hospital was located in a much nicer area than the first hospital. The people
|
|
who lived in this area didn't like to think about the first area. The people
|
|
who lived in this area were wealthy. If they didn't own something, that
|
|
something had no business being in existence.
|
|
|
|
At the moment he reached this hospital, Johns was supposed to have been
|
|
shot dead. A lot of time and effort went into planning the death of Johns.
|
|
Weapons were readied, plans were made. Unfortunately, the people who were
|
|
supposed to kill Johns got lost on the way to the hospital. They finally
|
|
reached the hospital much too late, and left very embarrassed.
|
|
|
|
Unaware of his luck, Johns entered the hospital. This place was clean and
|
|
shiny. The plants were watered, the nurses were pretty. Johns didn't need to
|
|
ask where the room he needed was, he just knew where it was.
|
|
|
|
Johns was standing in front of a hospital room. He pulled out the list
|
|
from his pocket, double-checked that he was in the right place, and put the
|
|
list back in his pocket. He was in the process of reaching for the doorknob
|
|
when a luminous stream of red light shot forth from under the door. The light
|
|
began to disseminate outward, and soon the entire frame of the door was spewing
|
|
a hellish hue. Sounds of lamentation creepy crawled their way into Johns'
|
|
ears. The sounds were paced by a thumping beat that pierced Johns' brain.
|
|
Johns realized that he was the only one being affected by this. Doctors and
|
|
orderlies were walking right past Johns, oblivious to the spectral
|
|
pyrotechnics. Johns was now beginning to feel some discomfort from this. His
|
|
ears were being torn apart by the dissonant sounds, his eyes ravaged by the
|
|
light. Then, it stopped. It was as if a great vacuum had swallowed the entire
|
|
unearthly show. One second, there was cacophony and effulgence, the next
|
|
second they were gone. A doctor stopped and asked Johns if he needed help.
|
|
Johns replied that he had gotten all the help he needed.
|
|
|
|
Johns took out the list and checked the room again. He give himself a
|
|
shot of confidence and grasped the door knob once again. "I was hired to do a
|
|
job and I will do that job," said Johns as he opened the door.
|
|
|
|
The room was empty.
|
|
|
|
_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/
|
|
|
|
Everyone in the boardroom was notably distressed. Except there was
|
|
silence now. All the possible strategies had been discussed to death, and
|
|
there wasn't life in any of them. The people in the boardroom made a show of
|
|
working. They were pouring over reports and charts with apparent intent, but
|
|
they were all really thinking about the impending doom.
|
|
|
|
Finally, one young go-getter spoke. He was one of the more rash people in
|
|
the boardroom.
|
|
|
|
"What's wrong with you people? You're just sitting there pretending to
|
|
solve our problem, but actually, you are the problem! How can we function as a
|
|
celestial bliss when the only thing all of you care about is how YOU will come
|
|
out of this? We're in this together, and we'll all come out winners, or we'll
|
|
all come out losers. Now I suggest that the so-called deity in charge of this
|
|
mess should make a decision right now!"
|
|
|
|
Everyone turned to the head of the table. The old man with the long white
|
|
beard had a vapid smile on his crinkled face. He seemingly wasn't even aware
|
|
that the boardroom's attention was on him. Despite this, he spoke anyway.
|
|
|
|
"Your faces are long, let's sing a song."
|
|
|
|
_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/
|
|
|
|
Alucard could always tell when he was in complete control of someone. He
|
|
knew in the first second how things would turn out. Like this pathetic car
|
|
accident victim. Alucard knew immediately that he could dupe this guy into
|
|
believing anything. This victim was a little smarter than most of them, but
|
|
the result would be the same. It always was. Always. The crippled loser was
|
|
talking again.
|
|
|
|
"I am most confused. Even if this was for real, why are you here? I'm
|
|
not dead."
|
|
|
|
Alucard liked to taunt his prey so he threw in this zinger.
|
|
|
|
"Look, you're going to die, capiche? It's my job to know these things."
|
|
|
|
"Oh kay... supposing I do die, I've been good, I go to Heaven. What do I
|
|
need you for?"
|
|
|
|
Alucard could hardly control his glee. Now he could start doing his
|
|
favorite thing. Lying.
|
|
|
|
"I'm sorry to tell you that there is no Heaven."
|
|
|
|
"Everyone goes to Hell!?"
|
|
|
|
"Well, Hell is harsh word. The people I represent really dislike that
|
|
word."
|
|
|
|
"Tell me this, Mr. Angel of Deat-"
|
|
|
|
"I'm not the Angel of Death!" Alucard snapped.
|
|
|
|
And if the Angel of Death comes I'm in big trouble, thought Alucard.
|
|
|
|
"Then tell me this, whatever you are, thousands of people die every day.
|
|
You're telling me a lawyer is behind every one of them?"
|
|
|
|
Alucard decided that the truth would work here.
|
|
|
|
"Afterlife management is relatively new concept, it's just out of the
|
|
experimental stages. In the future, everyone will be have an effectively
|
|
managed afterlife, but for the present, only special cases get it. You should
|
|
feel ecstatic that I'm here for you. Most people drift unguided in the
|
|
supernatural regions after death, but with my help, Mr. Ray, death will only be
|
|
the beginning for you!"
|
|
|
|
_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/
|
|
|
|
Johns was confused. The fact that one room on the list was empty could be
|
|
accepted. Perhaps the person who originally made the list had made a mistake.
|
|
But Johns had gone through all the others rooms on the list. All were in the
|
|
same hospital. All were empty.
|
|
Except the last one on the list. That was in a different hospital a few
|
|
blocks down the street.
|
|
|
|
On the way to the other hospital, even Johns was able to notice that
|
|
something strange was happening. The sidewalks were gone, in their place were
|
|
demonic tentacles whipping back and forth, barely missing Johns each time.
|
|
Where there was once traffic lights human heads hung, dripping flesh onto the
|
|
street, which was now had a latex crimson exterior. Parked next to parking
|
|
meters (which strangely remained the same), were many fiendish creatures.
|
|
There were incubus, succubus, cacodemons. Apparitions and wraiths flew around
|
|
in circles wailing the whole time. When Johns saw the rock albums in front of
|
|
the hospital doors, it was as if a great conundrum had finally solved itself
|
|
in Johns' head.
|
|
|
|
Now he knew who was behind this, and Johns knew what his purpose was. He
|
|
looked at that last name on the list.
|
|
|
|
Ray.
|
|
|
|
_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/
|
|
|
|
Mr. Ray was still being stubborn, and Alucard was losing all patience.
|
|
|
|
"Look, Mr. Ray, trust me, I want what's best for you. Sign this paper and
|
|
you'll be set for death."
|
|
|
|
"Sorry, Mr. Alucard, but I'm not signing anything a lawyer gives me."
|
|
|
|
The door opened and someone walked in.
|
|
|
|
"Don't sign anything," screamed Johns, "for this so-called lawyer is not a
|
|
lawyer at all."
|
|
|
|
Ray and Johns turned to Alucard, who was now a thirty feet tall red demon
|
|
with horns.
|
|
|
|
"Sign with him and sign away your soul," continued Johns, "for he is no
|
|
lawyer but Ahriman... Belial... Asmodeus... Mephistopheles... he is SATAN!"
|
|
|
|
_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/
|
|
|
|
The boardroom. A year later.
|
|
|
|
"So I guess Johns came through after all," said the rash young go-getter.
|
|
|
|
The boardroom nodded in agreement.
|
|
|
|
"Thank God that Johns was picked."
|
|
|
|
"You're welcome," said the old man with the long white beard.
|
|
_ _ ____________________________________________________________________
|
|
/((___))\|Demon Roach Undrgrnd.806/794-4362|Grassroots..............new # soon|
|
|
[ x x ] |NIHILISM.............513/767-7892|The People Farm.......916/673-8412|
|
|
\ / |Tequila Willy's GSC..209/526-3194|The Works.............617/861-8976|
|
|
(' ') |Lunatic Labs.........213/655-0691|Ripco.................312/528-5020|
|
|
(U) |====================================================================|
|
|
.ooM |Copr. 1991 cDc communications by The Pusher. 01/03/91-#155|
|
|
\_______/|All Rights Pissed Away. |
|
|
|