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177 lines
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Plaintext
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| ___________ _/_/ | | \ \ _/_/ ___________ |
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| | c o m m u n i c a t i o n s | |
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| |________________________________________________________________| |
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|____________________________________________________________________|
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...presents... Rural Hell
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by THE NIGHTSTALKER
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>>> a cDc publication.......1991 <<<
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-cDc- CULT OF THE DEAD COW -cDc-
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______________________________________________________________________________
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Greetings, Gentle Readers! Herewith is a small cautionary tale for your
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edification, detailing the benefits of acting the Public Spirited Citizen and
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the results of being an obnoxious asshole!
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Some few weeks ago, in the Vermont city I reside in, I had a most exciting
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few minutes in an otherwise dull and boring weekend. The highlight was having
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some local yobbos, in a car, tossing beer bottles at me and the dog, IN FRONT
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OF MY HOUSE, as we were going for a walk. They got a surprise, though,
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thinking that being in a car, they were immune from immediate retaliation. It
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seems that one of the bottles, a nice, heavy Michelobe bottle, hit the grass
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and not the concrete, and as such, didn't break. I dropped the dog's leash,
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picked up the bottle and chased them on foot, knowing that they'd have to slow
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down at the corner. I was able to get close enough to launch the bottle with
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every last erg of energy in my body. (I threw it so hard, I fell down into a
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forward roll and back to my feet again) just in time to see the bottle SMASH
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their rear window out!, showering the assholes with broken glass.
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A mere second later, I have pulled the driver, who tossed the bottle that
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broke, out the driver's side window and am 'explaining' the facts of life and
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driver/pedestrian courtesy to him. (This is where I hurt my knee on his pelvis
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and my fist on his face. Ow!)
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I then explained to his passengers, as I held the bleeding, battered
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driver at arm's length (with one hand. That's how I strained that shoulder
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muscle. Still, it LOOKED great, and that's all that really mattered.) that
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should I EVER see them on my street again, I would cheerfully do to them what I
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had done to the driver. And when he is capable of understanding human speech
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again, to pass the message along to him.
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Other than that, my weekend was dull, boring and drab.
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The next day, I was called upon by one of the local cops in regards to
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last nights tete' a tete'. I denied everything, of course. The cop, being a
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cool fellow, remarked that these yobbos had been cruising all night, looking
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for trouble, and that if they found more than they could handle, well, that was
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their problem, now wasn't it?
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Also, the car (an expensive foreign job) belonged to daddy, and he wasn't
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too thrilled that junior brought it home severely damaged and stinking of beer,
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as well as having to be hauled to the hospital for his injuries.
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Life's a bitch, huh?
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Well, the day after THAT, I was called by the local police, and asked to
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come down to the station in regards to this little to-do. Waiting for me was
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the father of the lout I 'explained' things to, as well as the owner of the
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car. (A pushy, cigar-smoking shithead of a Vermont incest mutant.)
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He wanted me to pay for ALL his son's hospital expenses (considerable, it
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seems. I did a LOT more damage than I suspected. What can I say? My strength
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is as the strength of 10, because I'm a FUCKING MUTANT! Praise Dobbs!) and pay
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to have his rear window replaced and pay to have the blood-soaked interior
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cleaned/replaced and finally, spend the rest of my life in jail for this
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unwarranted assault.
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Seems that Junior and his cronies concocted a tale of how I assaulted
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them, first by stopping their car and making the driver fight me. (Yeah, I'd
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LOVE to hear that story too!)
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Now, the officer in charge of the investigation, another cool fellow,
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proceeded to drag out the police records of all four kids. Foremost among
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their arrests were underage drinking, drunk driving, and assault and battery.
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Seems these yobbos were in the habit of getting sauced and looking for trouble.
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So, here I am, pushing 40 years of age, yearly contributor to the local
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Police Athletic League and associate member of the Police Benevolent
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Association, as well as a public-spirited citizen (this same cop is usually on
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duty when the local Red Cross has blood drives, and I always give blood) and
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generally law-abiding, upstanding citizen with NO police record whatsoever.
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In other words, the police are taking MY side and fully prepared to
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believe MY story.
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Needless to say, the cigar-smoking incest mutant was sore pissed and
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threatened me with all sorts of bodily harm, right in front of a cop!!!
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The cop then cited the jerk for some obscure law concerning threatening the
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life and well being of a citizen!
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Gawdam!!! I LOVE this country!
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For those keeping score, Junior is in the hospital with a broken jaw and
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smashed cheekbone. Broken teeth. Hairline fracture of the pelvis and a pair
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of severely damaged testicles. Along with a few broken ribs.
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Life IS good!
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The Final Chapter.
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Well, the cop investigating the brutal assault was over here the other
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day, and I 'confessed' to him what REALLY happened. (Note, tell the cops what
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they want to hear and want to believe.) Seems that these four were looking for
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trouble, threw a beer-bottle at me, which broke and showered my dog and me with
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broken glass. (I showed the cop the glass that's still there in the grass and
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on the roadside.) I flipped the car the middle finger and yelled "ASSHOLES!"
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at them. At that, they stopped the car and all piled out, seemingly intent on
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beating me up for my insolence. (A sensei once told me that the best way to
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stop a mob of people intent on doing you harm was to take out the leader (if
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possible) fast, hard and hideous! The more screaming, broken bones and blood,
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the better. It tends to demoralize the mob and give one a chance to escape.
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By the way, I didn't tell the cop I had several years of martial arts training.
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He didn't need to know that, you see.) So, (continuing my tissue of lies) I
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took out the leader of the mob, and they lost all interest in continuing the
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affair. They picked up their friend and tossed him in the car and took off.
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The cop admitted he kind of thought that's what happened. I explained that I
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wanted to avoid all the nonsense and bother of filing a complaint, being that
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Junior came off the worse in the encounter. He asked about the rear window. I
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guessed they did that themselves in order to make their story that I started
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everything sound more reasonable. That's how he figured it as well. The
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upshot of all this is that there will be NO charges of any kind filed against
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me. The official investigation result is that I acted in self defense.
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The father will have to appear in court to answer the citation of
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threatening me, and with a cop as a witness, this clown is screwed! I shall,
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of course, appear as a witness and make a statement to the effect that I really
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don't wish to see the fellow fined or anything. After all, he spoke in the
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heat of anger, and I would be loath to see him suffer for his temper. I know
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if MY son had provoked a fight and gotten beaten up and in the hospital, I
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would be upset as well.
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Well, Gentle Readers, it seems that I lucked out this time. There were NO
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witnesses to the actual event, save for Junior and his cronies. The cops were
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NOT inclined to believe them, and were falling all over themselves to believe
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me. Such are the benefits of investing the time, money and effort in creating
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the facade of respectability. In my Flaming Youth, I skated along the edge of
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the law frequently, yet never had any suspicion come my way. Why? Because I
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worked at being a good student in school and a Good Citizen. Even something as
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simple as tossing a smile and a wave to the cop in the car that passes you can
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reap benefits far in excess of the effort involved. For example, if one is
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trashing for CC#s in a part of town one seldom frequents, what cop will stop
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and hassle someone who smiles at the sight of them and gives them a friendly
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wave? That ONE simple gesture worked wonders for me many times.
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So, I guess the moral of this tale is, Fortune favors the prepared man. I
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laid the groundworks and when the time came, my investments paid off a
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thousandfold.
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Gentle Readers, I remain,
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Yours in Good Fortune, THE NIGHTSTALKER
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_ _ ____________________________________________________________________
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/((___))\|Demon Roach Undrgrnd.806/794-4362|Grassroots..............new # soon|
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[ x x ] |NIHILISM.............513/767-7892|The People Farm.......916/673-8412|
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\ / |Tequila Willy's GSC..209/526-3194|The Works.............617/861-8976|
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(' ') |Lunatic Labs.........213/655-0691|Ripco.................312/528-5020|
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(U) |====================================================================|
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.ooM |Copr. 1991 cDc communications by THE NIGHTSTALKER. 01/03/91-#149|
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\_______/|All Rights Pissed Away. |
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