217 lines
13 KiB
Plaintext
217 lines
13 KiB
Plaintext
|
|
_
|
|
| \
|
|
| \
|
|
| | \
|
|
__ | |\ \ __
|
|
_____________ _/_/ | | \ \ _/_/ _____________
|
|
| ___________ _/_/ | | \ \ _/_/ ___________ |
|
|
| | _/_/_____ | | > > _/_/_____ | |
|
|
| | /________/ | | / / /________/ | |
|
|
| | | | / / | |
|
|
| | | |/ / | |
|
|
| | | | / | |
|
|
| | | / | |
|
|
| | |_/ | |
|
|
| | | |
|
|
| | c o m m u n i c a t i o n s | |
|
|
| |________________________________________________________________| |
|
|
|____________________________________________________________________|
|
|
|
|
...presents... Smothered Hope
|
|
by Obscure Images
|
|
|
|
>>> a cDc publication.......1990 <<<
|
|
-cDc- CULT OF THE DEAD COW -cDc-
|
|
______________________________________________________________________________
|
|
|
|
|
|
I just don't want to know anymore
|
|
life shifts up and down
|
|
everybody knows it's wrong
|
|
it's not in the rhyme or reason
|
|
so it goes with every season
|
|
crawl to top fall through bottom
|
|
first hand love is really rotten
|
|
-Skinny Puppy, "Smothered Hope"
|
|
|
|
|
|
Diary of Peter Barren
|
|
|
|
|
|
November 1st 1992
|
|
|
|
Picture this: a smoking gun, a flattened reality where nothing can
|
|
happen. I can picture this place, I wish I were there. The path of life
|
|
always ends at the barrel of a metaphoric gun. The time that was spent with
|
|
you was the best time of my life, the time since you left has been hell. There
|
|
is nothing that is worth doing anymore, there is no one worth looking at
|
|
anymore. I just can't understand why my life was hinged to a single person.
|
|
Perhaps there is a form of causality that says that once I hook up to someone I
|
|
am perpetually hooked. A soul that is handcuffed to another soul, one wanting
|
|
to break free or get closer, but perpetually failing on both counts.
|
|
|
|
I walked through the gardens again today. I went by myself to think
|
|
about what could have been. I was the only one by myself. Everyone else was
|
|
bonded at the wrists in pairs. This is not fucking fair. I thought that the
|
|
world would let me find some peace of mind, but it only rubs sulfur into the
|
|
wounds. It was my fault for returning to the gardens, I should have known that
|
|
all I would find there is love. Fuck them all anyway. Who needs love I say, I
|
|
sure fucking don't. A lie is a lie is a lie, or so they say. It is a
|
|
momentary comfort to pretend that I don't need anyone else. Nobody is more
|
|
needy in the department of human compassion then I. The man alone even amongst
|
|
his friends. The friends around him dancing through the motions of the sexual
|
|
politic. One dances by herself intermingling with the rest of us, her dance is
|
|
built around a step of deceit. A lie to herself and to the rest, rings of
|
|
infidelity bind the dancer to the watchers. A search for compassion and
|
|
companionship that nobody can blame her for, yet one has to be curious about.
|
|
A tie that chokes her and pulls her strings to make her dance is made of spider
|
|
web. A simple pull of the chain and it would release her, yet she prefers to
|
|
choke and draw others into her web of intrigue. It makes me laugh sometimes, I
|
|
cry on other occasions.
|
|
|
|
Here I sit, a year after I was last at the gardens, wondering about the
|
|
bad times that have passed over me. I've changed since then. No longer am I
|
|
the bumbling sentimental fool I was, now I am the opposite. I have my emotions
|
|
under control as well as the rest of me. Some people have called me names for
|
|
the way I am now, because of the choices I have made, but I know I'm right. If
|
|
it weren't for the hypernormalization of my being I would be dead right now.
|
|
My friends still dance the dance, but I'm no longer emotionally involved. They
|
|
can flirt with lies and cruelty without me, I am not whole, yet I am stable.
|
|
People that haven't seen me in a year don't recognize me at all. My parents
|
|
were hard pressed to tell me from a stranger on the road. The new me is trim
|
|
and rigid. No more curvature for this person, only edges, sharp edges, don't
|
|
try to touch me now. My black hair and vaguely cruel features complement the
|
|
monochrome greyness I wear. For the first time in years I can see grand plans
|
|
and actually believe that they are more then dreams. The flamboyancy of my
|
|
youth is still inside me, and it escapes through my fingers and hands, but I
|
|
control it now. It doesn't control me anymore. A small problem, however, I
|
|
met a girl today who I really like. I can't afford to like someone more than
|
|
casually, I think I will have to get rid of her.
|
|
|
|
November 15th 1992
|
|
|
|
Oh shit. I think I'm in trouble. Jane is breaking through my
|
|
defenses. A years worth of work and that bitch is making me care about her.
|
|
The world is a shitty place. I finally get myself together, and then a
|
|
complication is introduced... never can be easy, can it? I have to get a grip
|
|
on myself now, the defense is strong, there will be no involvement other then
|
|
friendly. I've seen her every day since we met, I think that she likes me for
|
|
more then what I am offering. Maybe I could fuck her, I haven't had sex for so
|
|
long I don't remember what it was like. No, sex would introduce more pressure
|
|
than I could handle. Still, she is a really great girl. She isn't like the
|
|
others, she doesn't lie to me, she doesn't pretend to like me, she doesn't want
|
|
any of my cash. She would be the perfect girl for me. Oh hell, I can't think
|
|
about this anymore, I've got to go out with her tonight. We'll see what
|
|
happens. In other news, I went out with Jane and some of my other friends last
|
|
night. Things are supposedly getting rough for them, nothing particularly new
|
|
in that. They were in rough straits when I met them 4 years ago, it really
|
|
makes me sick to see them still together, she would be so much better without a
|
|
asshole like him. Life is life, I imagine they'll get married eventually. I
|
|
have a long running bet with my friend Tom that they will and they'll be
|
|
perfectly miserable together. Tom wouldn't bet more then a quarter cause he
|
|
knows he is gonna lose. Oh shit, I gotta run.
|
|
|
|
November 30th 1992
|
|
|
|
A lot has happened since I wrote in here the last time. I think that
|
|
my whole idea of detaching myself from the world was a good idea for recovering
|
|
from the situation I was in, but now it is no longer needed. Jane is a
|
|
goddess, we are officially "seeing" each other, what a stupid way of saying it.
|
|
We are having a great time with each other. I can't say that I am in love just
|
|
yet, but I do have to admit that I am getting closer to it every day. I've
|
|
stopped wearing just grey, at least partially. I let Jane talk me into going
|
|
shopping with her, and she bought me a whole bunch of really cool stuff. It's
|
|
kinda cool having a rich girlfriend, but I'd still like her just as much if she
|
|
didn't have lots of money. Other things have pushed me to great happiness,
|
|
things so great that I don't know how much longer I can pretend to grimness
|
|
around my old friends. The evil boyfriend whose very name I hate with my
|
|
entire soul finally did the first good thing he ever did. He died in a car
|
|
crash on his way to see us. I was pleasantly shocked when I heard the news,
|
|
but I had more important things to think of at the time. I've had to spend a
|
|
lot of time with his girlfriend, I still love her after all this time, so I
|
|
have to pretend to grieve so I can get her back on her feet again. She doesn't
|
|
understand that his death has set her free, maybe she will never understand.
|
|
Who knows. When I leave her to grieve in private I have to run outside so I
|
|
can scream with delight, the dancing is done, the fucker is 6 feet under. I
|
|
think that in a couple months I will go piss on his grave if I still care to
|
|
bother.
|
|
|
|
December 10th 1992
|
|
|
|
I'm at home with my parents for Christmas break. Jane came home with
|
|
me, she'll be staying until the 20th. None of my friends are in a festive mood
|
|
except me. I suppose it could be the fact that none of them are seeing people
|
|
at the moment, for a while I feel a sort of sadistic pleasure in acting cute
|
|
with Jane in front of them, sort of in repayment for all of the times that they
|
|
did it to me. After enough to get them kinda pissed we back off, after all I
|
|
really do love the grim lot even if sometimes I get pissed off at 'em. Grades
|
|
came in the mail today, and I'm happy to say that I did really well this last
|
|
semester. The world is a great place. Since her boyfriend died, Mary has been
|
|
depressed, I suppose that a beaten dog still cares about its master. She'll
|
|
get over it. Before Christmas-time she was starting to get better, we went out
|
|
and had a good time the night before we came home for break. Oh well, it's the
|
|
holidays, everyone gets depressed on holidays.
|
|
|
|
January 23rd 1993
|
|
|
|
Christmas was great, that is all I have to say about that. I'm writing
|
|
in here less and less. No time for this shit anymore really. I've got a lot
|
|
of work to do this semester. Jane moved in with me after break, it's really
|
|
cool living with her. She doesn't make me do anything I don't want to do and
|
|
that's wild. It's not at all like my mother. I paid Tom his quarter, he
|
|
laughed but told me that I was completely tactless. Mary is doing cool now,
|
|
she's pretty happy for the most part, but there are days, mostly around "that"
|
|
time that she starts acting like a widow for that late dumbfuck. I avoid her
|
|
around those times, it only brings back memories I don't want. Jane thinks
|
|
that I should start working on the book I was talking about to her. Maybe I
|
|
will when I get some free time. Jane and I are pretty happy now, the sex is
|
|
great, thank god for that new sterility drug I got. No babies around me, not a
|
|
fucking chance.
|
|
|
|
May 23rd 1993
|
|
|
|
I hate the world. I hate everything in the fucking world. I hate all
|
|
women. I wish I was dead. She just fucking left, she left me for this fucker
|
|
that is like the reincarnation of Mary's dead boyfriend. The world is a very
|
|
cruel place, I imagine it is just repayment for being happy at his death. The
|
|
fucker ruined my life while he was alive, and now the fucker is doing it again
|
|
even after he is dead. Mary has been a big help to me, she got the knife away
|
|
from me last week before I hurt myself. I've been suicidal since she left me,
|
|
Mary and Tom have been staying with me since then. They've gone out to a movie
|
|
or something. Tom is going out with Mary now, I suppose I am glad for them,
|
|
even if I don't want to. I wish I knew why Jane dumped me. I thought we were
|
|
happy, she never complained. She told me that she left me because we were
|
|
getting too close and that she wanted to see other people for a while. That's
|
|
bullshit, every guy knows that when it comes to "seeing other people for a
|
|
while" time it is all over with. Fucking whores, I hate them I hate myself,
|
|
SHIT! I let her dismantle me. I should have known, you let your guard down
|
|
for a fucking minute and they rip your soul to shreds. I just took a handfull
|
|
of valium, so I think that I'll stop writing this while I can still write. I
|
|
wonder if Tom and Mary will read this when they find my body. I dunno. Bye.
|
|
|
|
June 5th 1993
|
|
|
|
Not quite the end, it appears. Today is my birthday. I'm 22 now, I
|
|
don't feel like it. I feel just like 18, just as bad as I was a long time ago.
|
|
Tom found me just in time to get me to the hospital, they pumped me out and
|
|
kept me alive by force. I'm supposed to be going to therapy now, but I don't
|
|
need any of that psychology shit. I've had enough of it to analyze myself.
|
|
Jane called today to wish me a happy birthday. She isn't seeing anyone at the
|
|
moment, but I didn't want to see her on my special day. The date of my first
|
|
birth, and the date of my 3rd birth. The new me starts today. No more women,
|
|
no men, no more love. Love isn't for shit. The lies start again. I found my
|
|
old grey clothes, I'll wear them until I can get the black ones I ordered. I'm
|
|
putting this diary away in a box at my parents house. This chapter is closed,
|
|
I'm going to start a new one tomorrow.
|
|
|
|
_ _ ____________________________________________________________________
|
|
/((___))\|The Dead Zone........214/522-5321|Demon Roach Undrgrnd..806/794-4362|
|
|
[ x x ] |NIHILISM.............415/285-9453|The People Farm.......916/673-8412|
|
|
\ / |Tequila Willy's GSC..209/526-3194|The Bombay............714/897-0412|
|
|
(' ') |Lunatic Labs.........213/655-0691|The Works.............617/861-8976|
|
|
(U) |====================================================================|
|
|
.ooM |(c)1990 cDc communications by Obscure Images. 06/22/90-#141|
|
|
\_______/|All Rights Pissed Away. |
|
|
|