160 lines
6.0 KiB
Plaintext
160 lines
6.0 KiB
Plaintext
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_____________ _/_/ | | \ \ _/_/ _____________
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| ___________ _/_/ | | \ \ _/_/ ___________ |
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| | _/_/_____ | | > > _/_/_____ | |
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| | c o m m u n i c a t i o n s | |
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| |________________________________________________________________| |
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|____________________________________________________________________|
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...presents... White Rodent's Short Story Lump
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by White Rodent
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>>> a cDc publication.......1990 <<<
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-cDc- CULT OF THE DEAD COW -cDc-
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_______________________________________________________________________________
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-"The Soldier Ants"
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It was a lovely June morning when my family and I went for a picnic in the
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meadow behind our house. We had just started serving the potato salad when
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Aunt Sally pointed skyward and said, "Look."
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We did.
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There, silhouetted in the sky were the soldier ants. Paratroopers, as we
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later discovered, from the 32nd Airborne. Within seconds, they secured their
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perimeter. Then they got to work stripping down the meadow. It took them
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twenty-two minutes, I know because my dad let me borrow his watch.
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When they finished, they thanked us for our cooperation and headed off
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into the sunset, taking with them whatever wasn't nailed down.
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My dad sent me back to the house to get more potato salad.
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_______________________________________________________________________________
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-"The Problem With Names"
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There once was a dog named Zephelixan Teb who killed himself because he
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had such a stupid name.
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_______________________________________________________________________________
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-"The Poor Kid Who Couldn't Spell"
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Once upon a time there was a poor kid who couldn't spell. Usually, this
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did not bother him, but occasionally someone would rag on him about it. One
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day he had had enough.
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He said, "Are you so insecure about your own life that you must seek out
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my frailties and pour salt over them? Must you taunt me for something as
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insignificant as spelling?"
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"Yes," they said.
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_______________________________________________________________________________
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-"Majority Rules"
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Most people die eventually.
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_______________________________________________________________________________
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-"Sometimes"
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Sometimes I watch TV. I see senseless violence and gratuitous sex, but I
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don't mind. I see sitcoms that use tired plots to squeeze a chuckle out of me,
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but I don't mind. I see stupid music videos of garbage pop bands made up
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primarily of teenagers, but I don't mind. I see the news and the violence that
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is synonymous with today, but I don't mind. I see documentaries telling me
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that there will be no rain forests by the year 2000 or that billions will die
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of starvation in half that time, but I don't mind.
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But if I see one more fucking commercial with Vern in it, someone's gonna
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die.
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_______________________________________________________________________________
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-"Excuses"
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I ate a pigeon today
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I don't know why
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I just did, that's my excuse
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I don't go around analyzing
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everything I do
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Anyone who does is sick
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and needs help
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_______________________________________________________________________________
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-"The Practical Joke"
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It was the Christmas of '82 when the brown box arrived. It was for me,
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but had no return address. On the top was a large white envelope with the
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words "Do Not Open Until X-Mas" scrawled across it.
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I put it under the tree.
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Christmas morning. Every present I had opened had been clothes. It was
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very depressing and I only had two gifts left. Only two more chances to get
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the ghetto blaster that I had asked for.
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I grabbed the box with brightly colored paper, tore through it and peeked
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inside.
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"What did you get, Gavin?" asked my mother. She knew perfectly well what
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I had just opened. She gave it to me.
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"It's a sweater," I replied through clenched teeth.
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Bitch.
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Only one box left, the brown one with the envelope. It was about the
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right size and weight. It just might be. It just might.
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My heart started pounding.
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I opened the envelope and read the card within. "I hope you get a bang
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out of this."
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Yes, this was it. This was the ghetto blaster! I pried open the top with
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my fingers.
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The roar was deafening.
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So deafening, in fact, that I lost thirty percent of my hearing. I also
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lost my legs, both my hands and one eye.
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It seems like some practical joker mailed me a bomb for Christmas.
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What some people won't do for a laugh.
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_ _ _____________________________________________________________________
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/((___))\|The Convent..........619/475-6187 The Dead Zone.........214/522-5321
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[ x x ] |Demon Roach Undrgrnd.806/794-4362 The People Farm.......916/673-8412
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\ / |PURE NIHILISM..........new # soon Ripco.................312/528-5020
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(' ') |Tequila Willy's GSC..209/526-3194 The Works.............617/861-8976
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(U) |=====================================================================
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.ooM |(c)1990 cDc communications by White Rodent. 12/26/89-04/04/90-#133
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\_______/|All Rights Pissed Away.
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