114 lines
7.2 KiB
Plaintext
114 lines
7.2 KiB
Plaintext
|
|
_______________________________________________________________________________
|
|
_ _ _ _
|
|
((___)) ((___))
|
|
[ x x ] cDc communications [ x x ]
|
|
\ / presents... \ /
|
|
(' ') (' ')
|
|
(U) (U)
|
|
|
|
Screwdriver Flippin'
|
|
|
|
by Sunspot
|
|
|
|
>>> A CULT Publication......1988 <<<
|
|
-cDc- CULT OF THE DEAD COW -cDc-
|
|
_______________________________________________________________________________
|
|
|
|
|
|
As we enter the abyss of totally unimaginative text files, we come up
|
|
with yet another totally useless one by Sunspot, who never ceases to amaze us
|
|
with his virtually endless supply of stupidity and disobjectivity.
|
|
|
|
Now, if that was supposed to make sense, I wouldn't have put it in some
|
|
stupid t-file, now would I? Eh?
|
|
|
|
Well, now that I have successfully wasted 7 lines on philosophical
|
|
bullshit, on with the supposed lessons on the fine art of what has come to be
|
|
called screwdriver flippin' (flipping for those of us less daring to take a
|
|
trip on the wild side). Actually, there is no art and no such thing. I
|
|
actually just came up with the idea while sitting here in front of my idling
|
|
word processor (it's Easyscript, by the way, and this is the 17th or so file
|
|
I've written with it, God bless the thing. Anyways, I was just sitting here,
|
|
staring at this rather ugly eight or so inch screwdriver, with a deformed head
|
|
and a disgusting yellowish dirty handle with orange paint sprinkled onto it.
|
|
The screwdriver also features a hole through the middle which says, on one
|
|
side, "insert wire" and on the other side, "strip" for whatever fiendish
|
|
reason man was not left to contemplate. Anyways, so I decided to flip it up in
|
|
the air. So I did so, and decided upon the fact that I rather enjoyed wasting
|
|
wasting time in such a foolish fashion, and continued my play. After several
|
|
more flips, I thought how much more fun it might be to start catching the
|
|
screwdriver on the way down, something I had previously neglected to do. So,
|
|
on the next flip into the air, I reached out for the screwdriver on its
|
|
spinning path to the floor and quite deftly cut myself with the aforementioned
|
|
deformed head of the aforementioned screwdriver. So, I quickly cleaned and
|
|
bandaged the wound (being an extremely safety-conscious person, especially when
|
|
the safety involved is my own!), and proceeded to try to flip again. Before we
|
|
proceed, let me take this time to quickly say that "Wild Thing" by the legend
|
|
Jimi Hendrix is currently coming from my stereo, so all you people who wonder
|
|
where I get my inspiration from, well, now you can say you know, even though
|
|
Jimi Hendrix is not the answer. And if you didn't care where I get my inspir-
|
|
ation from, well, fuck you. So on with the file! Now that I have been all
|
|
nicely bandaged up, I proceeded to flip the screwdriver into the air once more,
|
|
this time reaching out and deftly catching it during mid-flip. I was quite
|
|
proud of myself needless to say, and had a hearty chuckle all to myself. Upon
|
|
completion of my little bout of self-appreciation, I flipped the screwdriver
|
|
expertly into the air. (Oh yes, I was becoming quite the flipping connoisseur!)
|
|
I then casually stretched out my hand (which was no longer hurting quite so
|
|
much, may I add) and caught the gyrating screwdriver with a flick of the wrist.
|
|
I was quite ecstatic at that point, and began practicing different ways of
|
|
flipping and catching, and soon I felt like quite a bit of an expert on the
|
|
subject of screwdriver flipping. Were there to be a contest of the sport
|
|
sometime in the near future, I felt quite sure that I would be the proud
|
|
victor by a wide margin. Of course, by this time, my wounded appendage was
|
|
quite healed, so I removed the bandages from my hand with a smile. Ah, what a
|
|
glorious looking gash across my palm! Battle scars of a novice attempting his
|
|
first flip! I would wear the torn flesh proudly! So with my now unbandaged
|
|
hand, I snapped my wrist and up flew my lifelong friend and partner in
|
|
flipping, the glorious instrument making all of this fun possible, the
|
|
screwdriver.... Up and up it flew, twirling, spinning, flipping in the air,
|
|
catching glints of light reflecting off of its beautiful stainless steel body,
|
|
end over end over end, yellow, orange, and silver mixing together, blending,
|
|
and forming intricate patterns of color, in a breathtaking display of its
|
|
innermost beauty. Then, at the very height of its crescendo, it slowed in the
|
|
air, and by God, I swear that it actually stopped for a solid ten seconds in
|
|
mid-air, and then began its twisting, twining path to my waiting hand. It
|
|
gathered speed as it fell, becoming a whirling dervish of beauty, sparks flying
|
|
from it as it slashed through the air around it, anxious for the touch of its
|
|
masters hand once more.
|
|
"Come to me!" I screamed, "Fly to my hand, straight and true!" And fly
|
|
it did. Oh what a glorious sight to behold! Shredding the very air itself,
|
|
leaving a vacuum in its wake, on its path to my hand. With a graceful sweep of
|
|
the aforementioned hand (you know, the one with the gash in it), I snatched the
|
|
missile from heaven out of it's hissing descent and clasped it to my heart in
|
|
never-ending joy. Sound, light, and love exploded, as my head was swept in a
|
|
wash of color (the reason for this, I later found out, was because upon clasp-
|
|
ing the screwdriver to my heart, I had neglected to point the tip away from
|
|
myself, thus puncturing my chest with a resounding thunk and pop as I withdrew
|
|
it, heedless of the pain. Upon this time I'm quite afraid I fainted and had to
|
|
be operated upon for quite a few hours, after which I was returned to my room
|
|
with strict instructions to stay away from anything sharp. I sat there,
|
|
dejected, until I saw my still-on word processor. I proceeded to type up this
|
|
true story about myself and how you should never ever flip screwdrivers, no
|
|
matter what!
|
|
|
|
And as we reach the conclusion of this story, if you are still reading
|
|
it, let me bring to your attention the fact that you have just read far too
|
|
many lines of pure, 100%, unpasteurized, fresh, bullshit. This story has
|
|
absolutely nothing to do with anything and was written entirely out of suicidal
|
|
boredom. And there you were, thinking that you were about to read something
|
|
interesting, or if not interesting or educational, at least the slightest bit
|
|
worth reading.
|
|
|
|
What a fucking gyp.
|
|
|
|
_______________________________________________________________________________
|
|
Behavior Modification.....806/793-9462 The Dead Zone.............214/522-5321
|
|
Demon Roach Underground...806/794-4362 Dragonfire Private........609/424-2606
|
|
Question Authority........715/341-6516 Pure Nihilism.............517/337-7319
|
|
Tequila Willy's...........209/526-3194 The Metal AE..............201/879-6668
|
|
===============================================================================
|
|
(c)1988 cDc communications by Sunspot 10/17/88-11/23/88-86
|
|
All Rights Worth Shit
|
|
|