212 lines
13 KiB
Plaintext
212 lines
13 KiB
Plaintext
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_______________________________________________________________________________
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_ _ _ _
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((___)) ((___))
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[ x x ] cDc communications [ x x ]
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\ / presents... \ /
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(` ') (` ')
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(U) (U)
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INSTITUTIONALIZED
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by Necrovore
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(formerly The Raver)
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>>> A CULT Publication......1988 <<<
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-cDc- CULT OF THE DEAD COW -cDc-
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_______________________________________________________________________________
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INSTITUTIONALIZED 3/22/88 Brief introduction by the author
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First of all, I have something that I would like to say before I get on
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with this file. Now I'm sure you know how common it has become for parents to
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throw their kids into institutions. Just some of the reasons are drug abuse,
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uncontrollable behavior, and suicide. This file was written from experience.
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I was thrown into the psycho ward of the North Carolina Baptist Hospital for
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all three of those reasons. But that was two years ago. Now I am not mentally
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ill. Nay, I just had my own fucking share of problems. A lot of my friends
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have had this same kind of experience happen to them, too. This file details
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how I whiled away my lovely three month vacation with crazies.
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There is also a bit of case history thrown in so that you will under-
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stand that there is no k-k00l d00d fabrication involved. This is not a joke.
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I don't want you to kill yourself. It's no fun (hah). And just because I make
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mention of attempting to kill myself while listening to Metallica does not mean
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I am putting down Metallica. On the contrary, I worship Metallica (Jaymz is
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fuckin God). And if you laugh at me and call me a dumbshit then by all means,
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go fuck yourself. I don't need your sympathy or your fucking inane insults.
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One last note. If you have read The Blade's file on getting people to
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commit suicide then I have this to say: ha ha, it's utter bullshit. If you
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were to walk up to me and say "Kill yourself" or if you were to rag on me with
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such lovely phrases as "Your sister fucks dogs" then I would crack a smile and
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proceed to rip your goddamned face off (then I'd eat it). So take note, The
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Blade's file is filled with bigotry, stupidity, and racist attitudes. How can
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you view a person like that as cool? Fuck off Blade and move to fucking
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East Germany where they'll actually fall all over themselves for you.
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===============================================================================
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NOTE: Now I've heard all those stories about white lights at then end of black
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tunnels and all, but I never experienced that (I was clinically dead for
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fifteen seconds). But then I've also heard that you don't get that experience
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when your system's loaded with drugs... and I was loaded.
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Institutions are fun places. There are all those dudes in white and
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lovely bitches to rape. And don't forget about all the people who are whacked
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out of their skull. How can you make your all-expenses paid visit more fun?
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Why, read on..
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As I have said, I was institutionalized for a period of three months
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(this is about the time that I left the telecom world (then known under a
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different handle) and almost made my exit from life. Yeah, I can still
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remember the day I tried to end my life. It was, to say the least, bizarre.
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I had just finished a transfer with some dude up in Oregon and was feelin'
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pretty bad. The home scene had deteriorated to where I thought death would be
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a fuckin vacation. After thoroughly ripping my room up I took 10 lethal doses
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of anti-depressants and drunk a lot of good old Absolut vodka. I then kranked
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up the most appropriate tune, "Fade to Black" by Metallica. When I started
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zoning out I thought "Hey man, what the fuck am I doing!? My life may suck but
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there has to be something worth living for." I then called the hospital for an
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ambulance and, when on board, I went comatose. My whore mom told me that when
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we got to the hospital I walked out of the ambulance and into the emergency
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room and fell on my face. My heart had stopped and I was no longer breathing.
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Now my whore mom also told me that it took the docs (6 of 'em no less) about 15
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hours to make sure I'd stay alive. I was in a coma for three days and lemme
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tell ya, it's no fun waking up in ICU (Intensive Care Unit). I mean it's no
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fucking fun. Tubes up yer ass and down yer throat. Fuckin gagville. I was
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then in recovery for three days with 24-hour supervision (like I was stupid
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enough to try again). During these three days I was real freaked... I was real
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surprised at what I had done and almost in a good mood. Real weird. I did
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have the bizarre privilege of watching a code blue (death or dying patient) in
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progress. It was kinda neat. Anyways, I was then taken to Hell (AKA the
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psycho ward). This is about where the hell began.
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I was fuckin full of hatred for about a week. I was addressing all
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that dare spoke to me as whores, fags, etc. I wasn't a "nice" guy. After I
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calmed down I was given full privileges (i.e. I could leave the ward for a
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while and then come back and leave again). I used this to my advantage in
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having fun. Like I was still heavily into phreaking at this time and I had a
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blast bustin' my way into the hospital's "secure" telephone closets (which I
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cannibalized quite thoroughly). In case you're wondering what kinda people I
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was holed up with, then here are a few examples:
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There was this dude sitting in a chair in the Rec room with his bag
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packed. I sauntered up to him and politely asked him what in the
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hell he was doing. He said that he was waiting for the 11:00 PM
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train. I asked him where it was heading. He said Mars.
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There was this fat-assed bitch and she had one hell of a foul temp-
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erment. I asked about her and some of the nurses told me that she
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was merely stopping off here and was headed for Butner (a real, live
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nuthouse for the totally insane). She was diagnosed as psychotic.
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I had a penchant for post-nuclear war role playing games at the time
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and was pouring over Aftermath (one of dem games) and she asked what
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it was. I told her. We then got into a full-fledged debate. She
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was trying to prove that nuclear war was NEVER going to happen and
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wasn't possible. I merely tried to point out that it IS possible and
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CAN happen. Along the way somewhere I caught her contradicting her-
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self and threw it right in her face. Man, did she have a fuckin
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temper tantrum. Geez. That's about when the PA's (patient asst.)
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threw her into a straight jacket. Wooh.
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I was waiting to use the phone. This dude in front of me was like
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totally fucked. He dialed a number and started talking to God. I'm
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sure. So he was saying that he wanted to get offa the planet 'cause
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everyone around him was crazy. What a laugh.
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There was this 20 year old black bitch from Virginia after my ass.
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I mean not like suggestive, but just fucking nutso. Fuckin went
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into my room, got naked and like waited in my bed. She wasn't bad
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looking or anything, but I prefer fucking girls that aren't crazy.
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And I'm talking REAL fucking crazy (ie, cranial decomposition).
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Ever see a metal/core dude blow a gasket? Snap..crackle..pop...
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Get the picture? I hope so. Anyways, I wouldn't have survived if my
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friends hadn't brought me my Metallica tapes and smuggled me in dope. About
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this time a friend of mine from school was brought in (for suicide also) and we
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bunked up together (I was sick of my old room mate -- some black dude that was
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taken for electro-shock therapy (I think they called it ECP treatment) all da
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time and man, did he smell like shit... he was old and didn't give a shit).
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Anyways, my friend's girlfriend visited us and came back the next day
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with a friend of hers and we fucked 'em. Man was it good. It'd been a while
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and I enjoyed every minute of it (but this isn't some lame sex file so I'll
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like get on with it). Before you start raising hell, scope the scene out, get
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on the good side of yer doc (so you can get yer privileges), and be cool.
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Find the crazies and have fun with 'em (it's generally a blast to talk
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to a schizo). Take, for example, the dude I gave as an example above (the one
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who was talking to God on the phone). I had some serious hell with him. I
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like acted crazy and generally freaked him out. I wrote some poetry and shit
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that was real evil and death-oriented and showed it to this prude. He gave me
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the ultimate compliment... he shuddered and called me an evil and sick demento.
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What a swell fuckup. Just fuck around, make passes at the nurses, etc. When
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ya get your privileges the fun begins.
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Wander around the hospital and raise hell. I stole a full set of
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scrubs (ya know, the green suits the surgeons wear when they cut yer ass open
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with knives and forks of the stainless steel variety). Get your friends to
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come pick you up and go to McDonald's or BK (hospital food sucks raw moose
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cock). Hell, I dunno, just have a fun time. Go for rides on gurneys. I got
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in this wheel chair and pretended to be some crip dude (no offense to any
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crippled people out there). It was a blast. I sat here and called the nurses
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that came to take my blood vamps and told 'em to fuck off (needles aren't my
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style).
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So basically, I just got stoned all the time (extra-high cause of some
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of the medication I was taking at the same time), fucked around, caused
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trouble, and all kindsa shit. Usually a bunch of us cool people (and we were
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the definite minority) ordered out for pizza and watched tv (wow, what a commie
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thing to do) and had bizarre discussions ranging from death to aliens.
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If you're 18 or over and wanna get out legally, sign an AMA (Against
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Medical Advice) and sign yourself out. I would have done this but for two
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reasons: I was 17 at the time (now I be 19, w0w) and if I had signed myself out
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my mom wouldn't have let me come home.
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I found a bunch of ways to escape but didn't feel like hangin' in some
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shitty cardboard box downtown with all the heroin addicts so I like stayed. I
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was also not in any condition to stay at a friend's place (mood swings ranging
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swiftly from depression to violence aren't good for keeping friendships). If
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you have your privileges leaving is as simple as walking away (if they catch
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wind of this they'll call the cops). Basically take yer important stuff and
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get your friends to come and get your other stuff later. While I was there
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this old lady made a break for it and got away. I was rootin' for her all the
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way (hell, she got away from the cops).
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As an end note, I have one thing to say: suicide is really not the way
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to go. Nah, just hang in and bear it. People tell me that God didn't want me
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to die cause he has many things planned for me. Maybe so, but was it really
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God? At any rate, I am a lot more different (and strange) now. I guess shit
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like this changes your outlook on things. I can get more hateful, sick,
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demented, and evil now than I could two years ago. It's much more fun now. As
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a side effect, I also get depressed a lot and end up drinking lots of alcohol
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and using lots of drugs and generally feeling like everybody has been pissing
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on me. Well, ya can't have the good without the bad (what an asinine adage).
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"War inside my head ain't a pretty sight
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But I don't want no sympathy
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It's happened a thousand times before
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It's just a harsh reality"
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-- Suicidal Tendencies, "War Inside My Head"
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"You're the prisoner locked in your cell
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You're living in your personal hell
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Invisible bars block your view
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They don't exist, except for you"
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-- Suicidal Tendencies, "The Prisoner"
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_______________________________________________________________________________
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Behavior Modification.....806/793-9462 The Dead Zone.............214/522-5321
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Demon Roach Underground...806/794-4362 Dragonfire Private........609/424-2606
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Question Authority........715/341-6516 TacoLand..................915/532-3226
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Tequila Willy's...........209/526-3194 The Metal AE..............201/879-6668
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===============================================================================
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(c)1988 cDc communications by Necrovore 4/26/88-76
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All Rights Worth Shit
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