154 lines
6.3 KiB
Plaintext
154 lines
6.3 KiB
Plaintext
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_______________________________________________________________________________
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_ _ _ _
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((___)) ((___))
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[ x x ] cDc communications [ x x ]
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\ / presents... \ /
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(` ') (` ')
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(U) (U)
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FUN WITH SMALL ANIMALS AND OTHER HOUSEHOLD PE(s)TS
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by Sunspot
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>>> A CULT Publication......1988 <<<
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-cDc- CULT OF THE DEAD COW -cDc-
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_______________________________________________________________________________
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Imagine, if you will:
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You're trying to get some well-deserved and much needed sleep, and are
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just about in z-land, when ... a blood-curdling "CHEEP! CHEEP!" erupts from the
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next room. You leap up, struggle for balance, and run into the room, prepared
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for anything. And lo and behold, what do you see, but your wonderful
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pet bird. How sweet.
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----------------------------< early next morning >-----------------------------
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"My gawd, mom! I woke up and came in and Tweety was just lying there in a
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puddle of blood!! Who could have done such a horrible thing??"
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Yah, right.
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Well, how many times has this scene occured in your happy home?
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Don't be bashful...admit it! This file is simply here to tell you the many
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different ways to destroy the annoying little fuckers.
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Remeber: The little fuzzy bastards' ultimate goal is to rule the world, so take
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precautions now...
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Tomorrow may be too late.
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CATS:
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Dumb cat jumping on your bed when you're trying to rest? Grab your
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pocketknife off the dresser and skin the shit. If it's still moving
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(twitching?), pour some isopropyl alcohol on the furry lump. Does the trick
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every time.
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Cat won't eat its food? Lock it in the basement with no food for 2 weeks.
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Make sure you are wearing rubber gloves and other protective clothing when
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retrieving your cat after this, since infected lacerations take quite a while
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to heal, and may leave unsightly scars. The cat will be conditioned to at
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least act grateful for its food. Miserable furry wretch.
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Won't shit in the litterbox, and prefers the floor? Collect the shit and
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put it in place of the cat food until it gets the message.
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(Note: This works equally well with dogs)
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BIRDS:
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CHEEP! CHEEP! Your trusty old pocketknife (yes, the one you skinned the cat
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with) will do nicely to slice off the loudmouths beak.
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CHEEP! CHEEP! Lost your knife? It's ok, Lil' Camper...Put the cage over a
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crackling fireplace. Ah, isn't that nice and comfy? Relax to
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the sounds of your bird's last squawking as it's engulfed in
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eternal flames...
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CHEEP! CHEEP! No fireplace? A microwave will do equally well!
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("Gremlins" is a treasure trove of fine ideas!)
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CHEEP! CHEEP! Don't want to get your microwave dirty? Starve the shit. Lock
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up the cage, don't water it, don't feed it, put it in a closet
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and wait a week or two. Spray with Lysol Disenfectant when
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necessary.
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CHEEP! CHEEP! Hungry? Decapitate the tender morsel and you'll have chicken
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for dinner tonight!
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MICE, HAMSTERS, GERBILS, and other rodents:
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The most fun way I know of to get rid of these little fuzzballs from hell
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is to get a really small cage, put about ten (10) males and ten (10) females
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in, and play some mood music. Take pictures of the resulting orgy. Excited
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yet? Hmm... Soon the sluts will be pregnant and have little baby rats. But
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wait! You didn't bargain for all these when you bought them, did you? Course'
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not. Protest the pet store's exploitation of the consumer by refusing to feed
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the rodents. Soon, the adults will have no choice but to eat their young, and
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then each other. Take pictures of this, too. Medical tests have shown that
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under these circumstances, laboratory rats and mice will go insane. But
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remember, "In an insane world, only the insane are sane." Words to live by.
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For a bit of fun with party guests, holding one up by the tail and
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flicking your bic a few times near the whiskers proves to be quite interesting
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also.
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DOGS:
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"A dog is a mans' best friend."
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Bullshit!
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A dog is an animal, just like the others we've mentioned, only worse
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because they can be the most dangerous and become really big and frightful, so
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they may forget who's the boss. You are, of course, so prove it to them.
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How? There is always the old faithful of the tire over the solar plexus that
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never ceases to delight friends and family alike.
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There is the wonderful charged fire hydrant. Connect a car battery to a
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fire plug...when your pooch goes to piss...zap...instant sterilization! This
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is always a good thing, since the birth rate of those cute wads of meat needs
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to be reduced.
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You can't doggie paddle with no paws. Hack off the canine's feet and drop
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him in the river. Watch puppy blow bubbles as he sinks...so long, sucker!
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INSECTS:
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There are basically two types of insects; those that fly and those that
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crawl miserably on the ground. The flying type are much more annoying, but are
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difficult to catch while in the air. The crawling type are much more readily
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available.
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Catch some sort of insect and spray it with a cleaning agent, such as
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window cleaner or floor wax to stun it. While it's disoriented, take some
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tweezers and remove its harmful body part, such as the stinger, mouth, etc.
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Here you have three options. You can continue removing body parts until it's
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scattered all about, you can play B-Boy (see "Making Bugs Breakdance"), or you
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may freeze the bug parts into an ice cube...won't your friends be delighted!
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Well, that looks like all the common household animals that may be a
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problem sometimes (oh yes, fish are no problem; simply break some holes in
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their tank and watch 'em squirm!)
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Watch for more 'Fun With....Killing' files by Sunspot
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The Restaurant at the End of the Universe.........718/428-6776
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===============================================================================
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(c)1988 cDc communications by Sunspot 2/8/88-46
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All Rights Worth Shit
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