196 lines
8.0 KiB
Plaintext
196 lines
8.0 KiB
Plaintext
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*=-- --=*
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{ the }
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-=/*> Buzzz Bros. <*/=-
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proudly present
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_______
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the
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Adventures
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of:
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{ SpAcEd-OuT Spliff }
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*=-- --=*
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____________________________
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Wednesday, November 8th, 1989
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3:33 am
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____________________________
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We find our anti-hero 'Spaced-Out Spliff', spaz-dancing at the "Whiskey
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A-Go-Go" with some pretty groovy chicks!
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SUDDENLY, his entire metabolism seems transported into an alien universe of
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kaleidoscopic images and mystical vibes......
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WHAT!? a mutant fascist pig threatens to bum out his trip! Acting quickly,
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Spliff deftly carves an 'x' in the pig's forehead!
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whipping out his secret stash of underground comix....Spaced-Out Spliff
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cleverly avoids a serious bring-down!!
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as Spliff reads on, he notices the bones in his hand start to protrude from his
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body. He grabs his trusty stiletto and proceeds to
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\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\//\\//\/\/\\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/ \/\/\/
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WE INTERRUPT THIS FILE TO BRING YOU A REPORT ON THE LATEST
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SCIENTIFIC DISCOVERY REGARDING ONE OF THE POT-SMOKERS BIGGEST ENEMIES
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/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\ /\/\/\/\
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The Life Cycle of The Conservative
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Introduction
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As long as there has been social progress, there has been a conservative
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trying to undo it. In the first century A.D., the Roman Emperor Maximus
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Tyrannus was known for his efforts to restore traditional values. He
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reinstituted cannibalism, wife beating, and the crucifixion of disobedient
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children.
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In the twentieth century, the conservative ideal of a strong military,
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respect for authority and old fashioned morality was achieved in Nazi Germany.
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This tradition has been continued in the United States by the Republican Party.
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The Reagan administration has facilitated the rape of America by business, the
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military, and moral zealots, and then persuaded the American public that rape
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is actually a good thing.
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The conservative brain consists of:
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conformity sexual repression nostalgia paranoia
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intolerance dishonesty racism greed
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Infancy
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At this stage, the conservative is too young to help lynch blacks, burn
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synagoges, or dump toxic waste into American rivers and lakes. However, the
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toddlers soon begin mimicking their elders by giving their playmates plastic
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bags to wear on their heads and taking the asphyxiated child's toys.
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Adolescence
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The adolescent conservative takes oe step further toward its responsibility
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of harassing and maiming undesirables by experimenting on small animals or
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weaker children. It is during this phase that he conservative experiences
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its brief period of sexual activity, usually wih the same animals and children.
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The Egocentric Baby Boomer
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The Baby Boomer is an important newcomer to the right-wing ecosystem. By
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gentrifying run-down neighborhoods, it drives out artists, poor minorities,
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and other annoying liberal pests. The the Baby Boomer settles down to a life
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of conspicuous consumption, filling its nests with pocket-sized cappuccino
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makers, inflatable home exercise machines, and other gadgets.
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The mating cycle takes place in fern bars, where young unban professionals
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sip white wine while displaying their designer plumage and discussing their
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latest investments. When they aren't pursuing sex or consumer objects,
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Egocentric Baby Boomers are ususally engaged in shallow New Age
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self-enhancement gimmicks that fill the holes where their souls should be.
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The Narrow Minded Bible Thumper
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Bible Thumpers are amoung the most common of conservatives. They can often
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be seen burning books, bombing abortion clinics, or entering homes across
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America lecturing about the evils of heavy metal records, R-rated movies, and
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malted beverages.
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Bible Thumpers are noticed for their fierce resistance to contemporary
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trends such as scientific inquiry, civil rights, and dancing with members
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of the opposite sex.
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Their range has been curtailed somewhat by an extreme aversion to sexual
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intercourse. Ministers with TV shows are an exception, and can be aroused by
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large cash contributions or church secretaries ready and willing to receive
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God's love.
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The Fork Tongued Fascist
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politicus scandalus
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The Fork-Tongued Fascist is a sly, secretive creature. It appears in public
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only at rare press conferences to cover up the sale of missiles to terrorists,
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or praise the bang-up job NASA did on the latest rocket launch.
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Every election year, Fasciststry to persuade voters that their get-tough
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attitude will return us to glory days of old. If elected, they are then free to
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exploit the poor, waste money on non-functional defense systems, and teach
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school-children that the earth is only 2,000 years old and was created by God
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over the course of a very hectic week.
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The Fork-Tongued Fascist is fond of preaching about the moral decay of our
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society. To prove their point, Fascists like to bug opponents' campaign
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headquarters or send weapons to help secret policemen terrorize bananna
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plantations. When caught in a criminal act, a fork-tongued leader pretends to
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have been betrayed by people dumb enough to have carried out his wishes.
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The Right-Wing Loony
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loco cultus
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Right-Wing Loonies gather in small flocks to rid America of the Anti-Christ
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forces of Jews, Blacks, and sales clerks who refuse to honor Hitler Youth
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discount coupons. The typical Loony is an acne-ridden geek or muscle-bound
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halfwit who collects weapons and Nazi memorabilia as an alternative to normal
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interaction with other human beings.
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When they aren't involved in overthrowing American society, Loonies are out
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on street corners and in airports recruiting fellow social outcasts stupid
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enough to believe their theories. Their ultimate goal is to start WW III and
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establish and independant all-white nation where madmen can live with pride
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and dignity.
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Old Age
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Respected for their senility, elder members of the species are entrusted with
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advancing the intellectual climate of the species. This is done by reaching
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out to like-minded groups in South Africa, the German Nazi Party, and remote
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villages in Eastern Europe that still practice feudalism, trial by torture,
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and lopping off women's feet to keep them in their homes.
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\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
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WE NOW RETURN TO OUR FEATURE FILE...ALREADY IN PROGRESS
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/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
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...throwing a Microwave-safe bowl full of Spaghettios into the microwave
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(because saving the world makes a dude get the munchies), our hero sits
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and ponders the days events.
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"Jeesh," says Spliff, "Mutant fascist pigs, gay narks from the north side,
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and bogus shrooms! I think I'll just stick to alternate reality."
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Join us again next week for another thrilling adventure with.....
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SpAcEd-OuT Spliff
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*=-- --=*
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{ -=/*> Buzzz Bros. <*\=- }
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{ MCMXC }
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*=-- --=*
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Freedom Is A Road Seldom Traveled By The Multitude
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______________________
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SpAcEd-OuT-Spliff
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(c) MCMXC -=/*> Buzzz Bros. <*\=-
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______________________
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