textfiles/fun/visitors.ham

               DO THE ENGLISH LIKE THE AMERICANS?

               By Nigel Ballard 28 Maxwell road
               Winton Bournemouth Dorset BH9 1DL
               England.
               
               

Howard the sysop, recently asked me a question, 'Do the british like
having American tourists in their country?'

A good question, that deserves a full if not cautious answer.

I remember in the World War Two film called 'Yanks' some bright spark
made the comment that the Americans were 'Over Paid, Over Sexed and OVER
HERE'!   Not a terribly kind thing to say especially as these boys had
left safer AND warmer climes to help save our arse's.

Firstly, you must appreciate the English, we are a damn funny lot,
contrary to popular belief, we are not all like Basil Fawlty from the
outrageous TV sitcom Fawlty Towers starring John Cleese. We are however
a peculiar race. Our elders still remember a time when Britain was a
country to be reckoned with, an EMPIRE and all that crap. Worse still
our now departed forefathers actually used to swing the lead in America!

Back to the present day, now that short history lesson is over with.
Whereas an American would think nothing of driving fifty miles to get a
burger. To the British, this is a major ROAD TRIP? We are somewhat
insular, it could be said that many of us suffer from a small town
mentality. We live, work and play in a tiny geographical area, and only
venture out maybe twice a year. Once to visit Harrods in London, just to
get that classy green carrier bag. And once to visit Majorca for our two
weeks holiday. Other than that we tend to hang around in the same areas,
meeting the same people. To an American this may seem VERY STRANGE
indeed. But to many of us, we are happy staying in familiar surroundings
and with familiar people. Let's face it, we Brits are just not very
adventurous people.

Of course city dwellers are a different race altogether, and not being
one, I am not in a position to argue their case.

A COUNTRY GENT
Best described as a man who's family has lived in the same enormous,
but rather run down house for generations. Tweed is the preferred
dress. Trouble is, this CHAPPIE, usually doesn't have two farthings to
rub together. Nobody minds, because rich or poor, when he talks, he
doesn't talk at you, he talks DOWN to you. It is not a deliberate act,
it is just what we refer to as breeding. And as such he can get away
with murder. Everything about him an American would call QUAINT.

QUAINT
This is the first of many words used to EXCESS by American tourists. We
Brits do not like it very much. Some of us may be country bumpkins, but
we don't like it shoved down our throats by complete strangers wearing
plaid slacks and driving one of 'them there' giant hire cars that seem
reserved for the exclusive use of American tourists, who in all honesty
are the only people capable of manoeuvring them around our QUAINT little
traffic system. To us, a roundabout is a roundabout. We do not consider
them the eighth wonder of the world, and as such we are baffled by the
26 foot long motor home parked on the hard shoulder as two tourists armed
with motor driven Nikons snap away at this engineering marvel. After all
it is only a circle of concrete filled with earth and decorated with a
few poxy flowers.

OVERPOWERING
To the British, the Americans are a bit overpowering. They show emotions
openly whereas any student of Victorian Britain will tell you, we keep
our emotions bottled up. It just would not be British to show our inner
feelings. Personally I like the way Americans summon a waitress over if
their steak is less than 100%. The brits however, NEVER MAKE A FUSS, we
just muddle through, and chew on the gristle as best we can.

PUSHY
Now we definitely have you on this one. Take the queue at a bank, Britain
is known for it's superb Queues, no country other than those for food in
Russia could come close to meeting ours in length or civility. We just
stand there like lemmings waiting our turn to jump over the cliff. In
walks an American, expecting the level of service they get at First
National, they mutter loudly about how QUAINT our banking system is.
Their fascination turns very quickly to impatience as they start the
dreaded queue jumping. Normally mild mannered and well behaved locals,
soon get in on the act, and before you know it, it's like sharks in a
feeding frenzy. Not a pretty sight.

WELL OFF
We definitely have an aversion to nations that seem to have bigger and
better things than we do. A great British case in point, is that the
Germans drive Mercedes, while we potter about in our teeny weenie little
runabouts, the question then get's asked, 'Who won the bloody war
then?'. We get bombarded with so many American Soaps, and the British
just love to hate the people and their seemingly opulent life-styles.
Dallas being possibly the best example. Even the cow hands drive better
cars than we do! Unfortunately, envy can be a cancerous and all consuming
pastime for some. I'm happy with my lot, I would like more, but I
definitely don't begrudge anyone else who has more, except perhaps Donald
Trump (and what a wife he's got, enough said on that I think).

BIGGER AND BETTER
Stop telling us that what ever we have, you have one that's bigger and
better. We don't care. Well actually we do care very much indeed, we
just would rather NOT have our noses rubbed in it.

YOU LEFT US BEHIND I THINK
It appears to me that we find you all so fascinating, but prefer to look
at you all from afar. Maybe it is because you have evolved just so damn
quick. America is a giant among giants, so what happened to our bloody
EMPIRE? Well that is certainly our fault, and not yours. WE made our bed
and now we must lie in it.

TELEVISION
Excluding the new satellite channels, we have four terrestrial channels.
And pretty damn good they are too. What most British people see of US
television goes to convince them that four channels of good quality
programming is better than twenty-four channels of crap.

SUCCESS
What a great word, and what a great thing to have. Most Brits are
embarrassed by success, as in money, we hide it away thinking that
somebody else will want some of it if we show our real worth. Quite
rightly the Americans are not at all embarrassed by success. If you've
got it flaunt it, well maybe that's a bit vulgar, but anyway,hard work,
commitment and sound business ideas should be commended and lessons
learned should be passed along to encourage others to follow in in the
same direction. It is a shame but in the UK if you are a success, the
public and the press both feel that as public property, you are now
eligible to be ripped to shreds.

SMALL WORLD
Now we think this is quaint.
Upon meeting an American, any American, one is asked where about's in the
UK one is from. I reply DORSET, the american ALWAYS ALWAYS says, well
you must know Fred and Winnie. Well Dorset may not be New York State,
but really what a preposterous notion to assume that every Brit knows
every other Brit.

DISTURBING
There are many things we see on the TV that disturb us all about the
American way of life. Perhaps some might assume that if we mix, then
some of these disturbing occurrences will rub off.
Take crime, we see so many instances of senseless crime, just recently
we saw footage of female gangs that will shoot passer's by just for the
NIKE training shoes they are wearing. Hotels in Miami that refuse to
allow bills to be paid by cash, just in case they get robbed. The
dreadful drugs and AIDS situation. Although England is no bastion made
up exclusively of righteous people, it still remains a fact that certain
areas of America are not safe to walk in. And I know that many people
are not keen to see any of our sacred turf turn into lawless ghetto's.
Our Police still refuse to openly wear side-arms, our local bobby is
mostly approachable, they ride push bikes and walk the streets alone and
unarmed. And yes we like it that way. Many of us are not convinced that
the American's right to bear arms is a good thing. It seems so easy to
get a gun in the USA. In the UK however, private individuals being
allowed to own and shoot firearms (other than shot-guns) is as rare as
rocking horse droppings.

RACISM
Yes Britain has it, unpleasant as it may be, in certain areas, mostly
cities, we have it rather bad. Out in the country, there is no problem,
mainly I think because we have no race minorities here. They prefer to
stick together, safety in numbers. However bad the situation is here, it
has never got to the stage where grown men dress up in pointy hats and
bed linen, and then proceed to burn wooden crosses. In the Second World
War, Coloured men fought alongside white, taking the same risks for the
same pay. So why I ask myself when a race of people has given it's all
to the country of it's choice, why can't they get accepted, and be
allowed to live their lives. Although as already said we have our
problems, for the most part we live and let live. The british are more
verbal in their bigotry, If we don't like someone we'll say so, and
often to their face. We draw the line however at burning other people's
house's down.

TO SUMMARISE
WE love the money you bring us, we love to hate the soap star characters
you send us. We just find you all a bit overpowering. While writing this
article I asked many people if they liked Americans, most said NO, so I
replied, tell me why? No convincing argument came back. I strongly think
it is a combination of all the aforementioned points. We just operate
in a lower gear than you do. Americans 'give good meeting'and 'touch
base'with each other, whereas we meet down the pub for a pint of beer
and a ploughmans lunch.

AND WHAT ABOUT ME?
Well I like Americans, In my travels around the USA, I liked the open
roads, large comfortable air conditioned cars, convenience stores,
Doritos, Taco Bell, Howard Johnsons and the superb standard of living
afforded to the middle classes. Maybe I'm really a closet townie.
My only gripe would be that I thought American beer tasted like gnats piss.
And that, Miller Real Draft in the clear bottle even looked like it!

I suppose if you come over to visit us, the towns geared up for tourists
will welcome you with open arms. Just try and be a bit more reserved
when you venture off the well beaten tourist tracks, and you'll fit in
just fine.

Any comments, death threats or abuse on this BBS please.

Have A Nice Day!     Nigel.