85 lines
4.9 KiB
Standard ML
85 lines
4.9 KiB
Standard ML
"How to Create the Perpetual Party."
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Most parties of this day and age are small events; rarely bringing in more than
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fifty to sixty people. A majority of these parties are sponsored by high
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school kids who love being killed by their parents. All this is nice and well,
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but if you want a real party, it has to last forever. The following instruc-
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tions document entirely the materials and steps to be taken in order to create
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the Perpetual Party. (Do not try this at home. You'll never fix your house!)
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In order to begin, you must have an overabundance of money or an inheritance
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from some insane uncle. (He'd have to be insane to leave anything to you!)
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Now, the first step is to purchase a good sized estate: about 10 to 15 acres.
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Make sure you use Astro-turf and put steel cages around the trees. Upon this
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tract of land, build a 20 bedroom, 10 bathroom, and 2 kitchen house. Make sure
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that all walls, floors, and ceilings are fireproof, washproof, and immune to
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structural damage.
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The next step is to get furniture. Get heavy duty, king-sized beds, steel
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reinforced tables, and about 6 to 7 bars. Be sure to bolt all furniture to the
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floor. Oh, don't forget to put a couch in every room. With vynil covers, of
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course.
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The next step is to get entertainment. Get at least four or five stereo
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systems, a VCR and TV for every room in the house, and one or two video game
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rooms. If you think it will lengthen the attention span of your guests, you
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can get live entertainment. Female and male strippers would do nicely. Or, if
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you really want some raunchy material, get some female mud wrestlers. Also,
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get at least five copies of every rock song and X-rated movie available. A
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favorite thing to get is a swimming pool full of Jello. It provides for hours
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of good, wholesome fun.
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The next thing to be gotten is food and drink to last for at least a year or
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two. Try to get foods with either high sodium, high sugar, and/or high grease
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content. Good examples are potato chips, pretzels, cake, ice-cream, candy,
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anything from McDonald's or Wendy's, or any organic material from a nearby
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high-school cafeteria.
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As far as drinks are concerned, try and avoid alcoholic beverages unless you
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have a reliable bus service. Any type of accident can easily bring any party,
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Perpetual or not, to an end. Good drinks to get are beer, vodka, tequila,
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scotch, bourbon, rum, soda, etc. To complement the food and drinks, get the
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following medicines: Ex-Lax, Pepto Bismol, Alka Seltzer, any type of generic
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aspirin except Tylenol, and easy access to a toilet.
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After all the above is achieved, the time to start the party has begun. In
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order to get a good turnout for the first few weeks, you must advertise.
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Advertisements in local newspapers are not enough, you must advertise in
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magazines and other national periodicals that will not object to your ad. One
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way to really bring 'em in is to advertise on TV and radio. This is where an
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ad agency can come in handy.
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Eventually, people will not take your ads as jokes and come to your place of
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social immoralities. Now, here is where you must begin to plan ahead. Since
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you have started a Perpetual Party, you must make sure it remains per- petual.
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In order to do this, you must get contracts of indefinite termination with
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certain companies. It is important to get a hold of a good and reliable
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catering service. Keeping in touch with three or four local liquor shops is
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necessary. See if you can get flat rate service from the phone company, and
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buy stock in the electric company. With the bills you'll be running up, it
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will pay off.
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By now, your vast riches have dwindled to almost nothing. Since this is a
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business, you need capital, so charge your guests admission fees. Don't make
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the prices too high or people will not want to come. But don't be too generous
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or you'll be broke in no time. If you can't bear to charge admission in money,
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at least charge it in food and/or drink. That way you'll at least save on the
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caterer. Try to throw fees around as much as you can without making it look
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suspicious. One way to get money rolling in is to open up a small casino. Get
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a license for it. As mentioned earlier, you want to avoid trouble.
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Eventually, unless you had a very strange accident or are a mad scientist, you
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will die. And if you make no plans for this, your party will certainly die
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out. So, during the many years of partying, find one person who fits you the
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best and get married and have kids. When you near your end, leave the entire
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party, all profits, and all responsibilities to the kid who is the more extreme
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party animal. Be sure to leave explicit instructions on how to run the party.
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This document is perfect. If all goes well, things will continue under good
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hands.
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So far, these are the necessary steps needed to create the Perpetual Party. If
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anything has been omitted, (which is probably true) go ahead and augment this
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document. It's your party anyway.
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