266 lines
15 KiB
Plaintext
266 lines
15 KiB
Plaintext
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Life Sucks II: The Rantings of a Madman
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By: Robert Seace (Agrajag/AJ)
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Published by: Rlunatic/J.hayden pro-ductions
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Yes, folks, this is the long awaited sequel to my first book: "Life
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Sucks: AJ's Philosophies and Ramblings". In that book, I outlined my basic
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attitude towards life, and various aspects of it. In this book, I pick out
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a few of the things in life which I think are highest on the suckiness
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scale, as well as my own unique (or, is the word I want "insane"?)
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solutions to make them somewhat less sucky. And, since I'm really just
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making this stuff up on the fly, who knows what other strange stuff I'll
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come up with...
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Death and Taxes
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---------------
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Yes, these are the only two things we can count on in life. And, of
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course, they both suck. Death's suckiness is rather obvious to most, and
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is covered quite well in my first book. And, unfortunately, not even I can
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come up with a viable solution to this one. Aside from not actually
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beginning life in the first place, of course; but, that is rather difficult
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for one (or even TWO) to prevent happening to themselves...
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However, taxes are a new topic for me. Their suckiness, again, is
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obvious to most. Though, believe it or not, SOME people actually think
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taxes are necessary, and actually SUPPORT them! But, that isn't all that
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surprising, knowing that humans all suck, anyway, and are, on the whole, a
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quite strange lot of beings... But, it seems to me to be a VERY sucky
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practice for the government to take a large chunk of our hard-earned money
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away from us. They want us all to work hard, so that we don't have to go
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on welfare or something, and take THEIR money, but when we do, they come in
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and take OUR money. The greedy little bastards... I say let the
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government earn its money like all other charities and such: with Bingo
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games, rummage sales, food drives, bake sales, raffles, and other similar
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things. They already have control over one of the most profitable
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industries in the country: the sale of alcohol. (Yes, I know that is the
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STATE government, but government is government, as far as I'm concerned.)
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Plus, they also already run some of the only legal gambling in some states:
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lotteries. So, they shouldn't really be stealing OUR hard-earned money,
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too. If the money they make on the above-mentioned enterprises is not
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enough for their needs, they can always invest it in the stock market or
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something. Of course, if the idiots stopped buying $100 hammers and
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spending millions researching such 'important' things as the consistency of
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catsup, they might save enough so that they wouldn't NEED our money...
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I wouldn't be complaining so much if the tax system were actually
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fair, but it isn't. As the great George Carlin once said: "The rich make a
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LOT of money, and pay NONE of the taxes; the middle class makes a LITTLE
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bit of money, and pays ALL of the taxes; and, the poor are just there to
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scare the shit out the middle class, and keep them going to those jobs."
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And, unfortunately, this is all too true. If they HAVE to tax us, at least
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tax fairly, and make the ones who can afford to pay the taxes actually be
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the ones paying them. I mean it isn't going to be too much of an
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inconvenience to a person with $400,000,000 to pay in say $200,000,000 in
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taxes (maybe they won't be able to buy that fifth mansion this year). But,
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instead of doing that, they would rather take $8,000 from a person making
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$40,000. It only takes simple logic and arithmetic to see that the latter
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person has SIGNIFICANTLY less money left over after taxes than the former
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person. I mean, what in hell do these people NEED with these hundreds of
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millions of dollars, anyway?? They can better afford to part with some
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than the latter person can... It all seems so obvious; and, I'm sure that
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is precisely why our illustrious government hasn't yet figured it out...
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Madonna and Michael Jackson
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---------------------------
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I've yet to see worse examples of so-called singers than these two
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annoying, tuneless, brainless idiots. Neither one of them should even be
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allowed to sing in the shower, let alone distribute albums. And, the sad
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and ironic part is that many people actually like them. Why? Who knows;
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my guess is mass stupidity, or at least tone deafness... There is nothing
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worse than watching MTV or listening to the radio, and listening to a good
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tune (which they do occasionally play on both MTV and some radio stations,
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believe it or not), and then have a Madonna or Michael Jackson song come
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on. I really hate that. It's almost as bad as having that stupid
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Encyclopedia Britannica commercial come on... And, there is no real
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solution to this one either, unfortunately, until everyone comes to their
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senses and realizes that these two 'singers' suck (of course, I'm not
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holding my breath while I wait for this to happen; after all, DISCO is
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making a comeback, so I've pretty much lost ALL of my confidence in the
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musical tastes of most Americans). So, for now, my temporary solution is
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to change the channel/station, or just shut it off and put in a good tape,
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like the Beatles, or the Who, or Metallica, or Guns 'n' Roses, or Nirvana,
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or any of the other great bands that ARE out there in this vast musical
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wasteland...
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Environmentalists and Polluters
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-------------------------------
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Yes, BOTH sides suck (of course, by just being humans, they suck; but,
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I'm analyzing their POSITIONS here, not their humanity). Those that
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pollute the planet, and strip it of its resources for their own selfish
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uses do indeed suck, as most people would agree. They are arrogant, self-
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important little bastards, who think they and the rest of their species OWN
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this planet, and can do anything they like to it. If it makes them a
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little richer or something, then they don't care if it makes a few dozen
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species extinct, or if it eventually results in the death of everyone on
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the planet...
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But, something most would NOT agree with me on is that most people who
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call themselves environmentalists suck, too... How can I say that, you
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ask? Very easily, I answer... Again, I draw from George Carlin's words of
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wisdom, and much of the following will be paraphrased from him. The
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environmentalists don't really care about the Earth; all they are concerned
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with is that they have a nice place to live. Such shallow self-concern
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doesn't impress me. Even they think of the Earth as merely a place for us
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humans to live; they just want us to clean it up a bit so that we don't
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have to live in filth (think of your mother telling you to clean your room;
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she doesn't have you do that because she actually thinks the house would
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prefer to be clean, she does it because she doesn't want such filth in HER
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house for HER children to live in). Typical human arrogance... Plus, what
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makes them think that we, one little insignificant biological species can
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destroy a whole planet?? The Earth has been around a whole hell of a lot
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longer than we have, and will be here long after we are gone. So, this
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"Save the Earth" nonsense is pure crap. We can't even take care of
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ourselves, and yet we expect to be able to save a whole damned PLANET?!?
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Just think of the stuff the Earth has been through: ice ages, earthquakes,
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volcanos, magnetic pole reversal, bombardment by asteroids, constant
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exposure to solar radiation, etc., etc... And, we think some styrofoam
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fast food containers are going to destroy the planet?? No, the planet is
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going nowhere; WE are... Just one more failed species. No big loss,
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either.
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So, my solution is to be neither... Just respect the planet, out of
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pure respect, not out of any self-serving goals. Treat it how you'd like
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to be treated if you were the planet. The Native Americans had a good
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philosophy in that respect. Recognize that we are NOT the only species
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(or, even the most intelligent species, probably) on this planet. But, if
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you want to pollute and abuse the planet, fine, go ahead; you won't do it
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any harm, but rather will just hasten the end of our species, which I'm
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sure will be a joyous occasion throughout the rest of the civilized
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universe. I know I'm certainly looking forward to it, even though I
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probably won't be around to witness it, unfortunately...
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Macintoshes and Pepsi Cola
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--------------------------
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These are perhaps the two vilest commercial products on the market.
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I'm not sure who is responsible for making these things so popular, but I'd
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be willing to bet they are the same imbeciles responsible for the
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popularity of Madonna and Michael Jackson... Macs are cheesy little
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child's toys masquerading as computers, and Pepsi is over-sweetened camel
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piss masquerading as a soda... And, while I can safely proclaim that the
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Apple company itself sucks, I can not say that about the makers of Pepsi,
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since their company also produces that marvelous, caffeine-packed product:
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Mt. Dew. So, I must conclude that either they just screwed up when they
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created Pepsi Cola, and kept producing it merely because the idiot populace
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actually liked the vile substance, OR they just got lucky when they made
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Mt. Dew... It's hard to say which... And, while I love Coca Cola
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(Classic), I must say that whoever was responsible for the creation of this
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New Coke, should be shot immediately. They take a wonderful soda, and try
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to make it more like the carbonated camel piss called Pepsi. Why? What
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were they thinking? I say that they weren't... But, fortunately, they
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came back to their senses and brought back the original formula, and called
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it Coke Classic. Now, they can sell to both markets: those who actually
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have some sense of taste, and those who drink Pepsi-like liquids... As far
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as solutions, this falls into the same category as the Madonna and Michael
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Jackson problem...
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Exercise Machinery
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------------------
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The StairMaster! The StepMaster! Treadmills! Stationary bicycles!
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Rowing machines! Cross-country skiing machines! Have we really all lost
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our minds?? I mean, what in the HELL is the logic behind blowing hundreds
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of dollars on a machine that simulates GOING UP AND DOWN STAIRS?!? Here's
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a unique idea: why not just go climb a few flights of REAL stairs?? It's a
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hell of a lot cheaper, and as a bonus you actually GO somewhere, too...
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The same holds for all of the other above-mentioned machines: just go do
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the real thing! Geez, some people will buy anything... But, the absolute
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WORST exercise 'machine' I saw advertised was a slick plastic mat which
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came with a pair of fluffy slippers which you put on and then used them to
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slide around on the mat... Is it just me, or does this sound suspiciously
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like sliding on a freshly waxed floor in your socks? Why not just do THAT,
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rather than send these money-hungry bastards $50 for this cheesy little mat
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and slipper set?!? Why? Because, people are stupid... But, I never cease
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to be amazed at their levels of stupidity... And, the only solution here
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is for the populace buying these stupid machines to use their brains on
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occasion. Then, they might actually go ride a REAL bike, or climb some
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REAL stairs, instead of blowing hundreds of bucks on a machine to simulate
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that activity... But, again, I doubt that this will happen; humans are
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stupid...
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Murderers, Rapists, Racists, and Idiots
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---------------------------------------
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I say that we should spend some money to make a life-supporting
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colony on Mars or maybe the moon, and then send all of the murderers (who
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UNJUSTLY murdered, of course), rapists, racists, and plain old idiots (hey,
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now that I think about it, this would solve the Madonna/Michael Jackson
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and Pepsi/Macintosh problems, too!) to live there... Never would we have
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to be bothered by these degenerate low-lifes, again... And, we wouldn't
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need to spend money on gaurding them (where are you going to escape to from
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another planet??), or feeding them (let them grow their own food if they
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want to eat)... So, the only cost would be in sending them to the colony
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initially, and maybe maintaining the colony (repairs to the pressure system
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or something once in a while; or, we could just let them learn how to do
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the repairs themselves, which is a better idea, actually), and of course
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the initial cost of creating the colony... But, that would still be quite
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a savings over what is spent now on keeping murderers and rapists locked up
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(unfortunately, it is not yet a crime to be a racist or idiot)... Or, if
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we didn't have enough to build such a colony, then we could just skip the
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"life-supporting" part, and let the bastards worry about how to breathe
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on their own... Unfortunately, such a plan isn't likely to actually be
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implemented, as our government is run by fools (amazingly stupid ones),
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who prefer to spend as much as possible for as little as possible, and
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would much rather put a criminal in jail where they can learn how to be
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a better criminal, than to actually punish them in some way...
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Lobsters
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--------
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No, I don't think lobsters themselves suck... I think the process
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of how they are cooked sucks... They boil the poor sons of bitches ALIVE
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in a pot of water! Geez, could we find some crueler way of cooking these
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animals, perhaps? Maybe flame broil them alive? Or, hell, let's just
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eat them raw and alive; rip those snapping claws right off, and bite in!
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Christ, I knew humans were mean, lousy bastards, but this is cruel even
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for them... How would YOU like to be boiled alive?? I think that's what
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we should do to people who do cook lobsters like that... Don't get me
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wrong; I have nothing against people killing animals to eat, but I just
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think we should be a hell of a lot more humane about it... At least kill
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the poor lobster before cooking it... Just think of the uproar there would
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be if we made our steaks by throwing a live calf on a fire... Sure, the
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animal-lovers would be upset about THAT, but apparently lobsters aren't as
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important to them as cows... After all, lobsters aren't cute to look at,
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and don't make any sort of sound, or even any facial expressions, so why
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feel bad about killing them any way we want? Oh how I hate such self-serving
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human attitudes... Of course, I know they'll never change, and lobsters will
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likely continue to be boiled to death so people with money to blow can have
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a gourmet dinner...
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Conclusion
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----------
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Well, I've ranted and rambled on enough for this book, I guess...
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Plus, my account disappears in 2 days from now, so I want to get this
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distributed on the Net before I cease to be a Net-dweller...
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So, as you can see, there are many things in life which really
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suck... And, I know that my solutions would all work, if they were
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ever implemented; but, I know they never will be... So, we are still
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forced to live in life's suckiness, until we die... (Maybe they should
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put that on a Hallmark card...) The only way that we could ever possibly
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get out of life's suckiness is if we all smartened up and stopped acting
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like brainless, self-centered, moronic schmucks; in other words, stopped
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being humans... But, since the chances of that happening are slightly
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worse than the chances of the Eiffel Tower spontaneously transforming into
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a sewer rat, I'm not holding my breath while waiting for it to occur...
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Until my next book, have a non-overly-sucky life... And, always
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remember that Life Sucks; so, quit your whining, shut up, and learn to deal...
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