268 lines
13 KiB
Plaintext
268 lines
13 KiB
Plaintext
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Life Sucks: AJ's Philosophies and Ramblings
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Author: Robert Alan Seace (Agrajag/AJ)
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Publisher: Rlunatic/Jhayden Pro-ductions
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Introduction
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^^^^^^^^^^^^
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Let me introduce my wonderful (and absolutely true) book
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with a wonderful (and absolutely true) poem, which sets the proper
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mood.
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Life - by AJ (based on a theme by Hep/Jhayden)
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~~~~
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Life sucks
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Sewer rats.
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Big ones,
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Wet ones,
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Lithe ones,
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Gaudy ones.
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Life sucks
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Sewer rats...
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This poem brings up an important notion, and one of the
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major foundations of my philosophy: sewer rats. What exactly are
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sewer rats? What is their cosmic significance? And, why does life
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choose to suck them? These and other questions will be answered in
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the following chapter...
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Those Sucky Sewer Rats
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^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
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As many of you may already know, the concept of the sewer rat
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having some cosmic significance was first introduced by one of the
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great thinkers (and co-publishers) of our time: Hepzibah, AKA: Julia
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Hayden. Upon hearing her thoughts and beliefs about the relationship
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between life and sewer rats, I adopted them as part of my own philosophy.
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The rest of this chapter details my own interpretations of the original
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Sewer Rat Doctrines by Hep. For more information about her original
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statements, see the chapter entitled "Hepzibah's Sewer Rat Doctrines".
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I'm sure many of you are asking, "What exactly IS a sewer rat?"
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If you aren't asking that, please do so now, before continuing. Well,
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a sewer rat, quite simply, is a disgustingly dirty rodent who inhabits
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basins of human waste. If you think about it, this is actually a very
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deep and meaningful metaphor for us. That's right, US; human beings.
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"How so?" you may ask. "That's obvious, you moron," I might answer.
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We are nothing more than disgustingly dirty rodents, ourselves, who are
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forced to live on this chunk of rock we call the Earth. In this case,
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it isn't WHERE we live (the Earth) which is represented by the metaphorical
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human waste, but rather the act of LIVING, itself. Essentialy, life is
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one big pile of shit. So, to say that "Life sucks sewer rats" is really
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a very complex and meaningful phrase. It is sort of a multiple-layered
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metaphor, which would take far more than this one book to examine in
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complete detail. Suffice it to say that the general gist of what is
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being said is that life is not a very fun experience...
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AJ's Life Experiences and the UEF
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^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
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By now, you are probably wondering why I have such a negative
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outlook on life. If you aren't wondering this, please do so now, before
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continuing. The reason why I have this negative outlook on life is
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actually rather simple: because life does indeed suck sewer rats. I
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realize this is a rather recursive argument, but I don't care. Why do
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I believe that life sucks sewer rats? Because, everything I have
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experienced in my 21 years of life has proved to me that this is so.
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Sure, there is the occasional bright spot every now and then, but life
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on the whole still remains as horrid as ever.
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Usually, after any Good Thing which happens in a person's life,
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something of a Magnitude of Badness at least double that of the Magnitude
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of Goodness of the previous Good Thing will inevitably occur. I have
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witnessed this phenomenon countless times in my own and others lives. I
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have labelled this phenomenon the Unequal Equalizing Factor (UEF) of life.
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I hypothesize that it is impossible for any human being to experience a
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total lifetime Magnitude of Goodness greater than one-half (1/2) of their
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total lifetime Magnitude of Badness. In fact, I have never yet come across
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a person who has experienced even that much Goodness, but my experiments
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lead me to the conclusion that such a Magnitude of Goodness is actually
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possible under extremely lucky conditions. However, the chances of such
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conditions occuring are very VERY small. The average human Magnitude of
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Goodness is approximately one-millionth (1/1000000) of their Magnitude of
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Badness. The lowest recorded UEF ratio was my very own: one-quadrillionth
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(1/1000000000000000). So, this may explain why I'm writing this book...
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Love Sucks, Too
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^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
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Ah, yes, love. That odd, mystical, indescribable state of being,
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which can either be the most wonderful thing in one's life, or the most
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horrible thing in their life. Since love is a part of life, then, by
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default, it must suck, too. But, in fact, love actually has an SI (Sucking
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Index) which is much higher than any other aspect of life. Let's examine
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why this is so.
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While in a state of love, one is blinded to the Suckiness of life.
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I have labelled this phenomenon LIBAL (Love Induced Blindness About Life).
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The cause of LIBAL is unknown, but it is suspected that love is actually
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a very powerful, telepathic drug, which numbs various parts of the brain,
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including the areas responsible for noticing the Suckiness of life. As a
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result, the subject in love sees everything as wonderful and great. Of
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course, if one is continually subjected to this love drug for long enough,
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it's affect will fade as the subject builds up a tolerence. And, just as
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with any other drug, if taken away suddenly, it causes drastic affects to
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the subject. Suddenly, the subject sees life clearly again, in it's full
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Suckiness. Often, subjects can't handle this transition back to a love-free
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mind, and either go insane, kill themselves, become Internet BBS'ers, or
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a combination of the above...
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I could go into a very long and detailed explanation and proof
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of the above, using my own and others' life experiences as evidence.
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However, that would take up far too much time and space, and is a subject
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worthy of it's own book. (In fact, if this book is profitable for me, I
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may write a book about that very topic: "Love Sucks, Swallows, and Bites".)
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School Sucks
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^^^^^^^^^^^^
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We all know this one to be true, and I'm sure I won't get much
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dispute. Whether you are in High School, College, or Grad School, the
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universal fact remains that school sucks. You are forced to do tons of
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inane homework, take pointless tests, and get little or no sleep. And,
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all for what? A piece of parchment paper with your name on it, which
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you might get after several years of this torture, if you are lucky. Why
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do we put ourselves through this self-induced torture? Because we are
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greedy, and we want jobs where we can make lots of money when we finally
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graduate. Typical human nature...
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Humans Suck
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^^^^^^^^^^^
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Yes, human beings themselves suck. We are the proverbial Sewer
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Rats. We are useless, arrogant, ignorant, violent, and just generally
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not nice guys. If you don't believe me (and, if you are like most humans,
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you don't believe me), then just take a look at some of the things we
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humans have done: We have started wars over such stupid things as religion
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(see chapter "Religion Sucks"). We have killed millions and billions of
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people for no apparent reason. We have destroyed our own planet, and
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other life forms we share it with (which we automatically assume we are
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better than, by the way). Etc... Perhaps this explains WHY exactly our
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lives do suck: it is some sort of payback for our whole species being
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such dicks...
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Religion Sucks
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^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
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Religion. Those useless, time-wasting, archaic beliefs which
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people use to help them deal with life and death (see chapter "Death
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Sucks Even More"), since they just can't handle the reality. They need
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to believe that there is something wonderful waiting for them after they
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die. Otherwise, they just couldn't deal with the fact that life sucks
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as much as it does. They usually view life as some sort of trial they
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have to go through in order to make it to the Wonderful Afterlife...
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Poor, deluded bastards... They just can't accept the fact that this is
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it, this is all there is to life, and it sucks. And, there are no refunds
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or exchanges...
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Death Sucks Even More
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^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
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By now, I've probably depressed you to the point of considering
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suicide... Well, don't do it, because death sucks even worse than life.
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At least while you are alive, you've got a chance (however slim) of having
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something good happen to you. But, when you are dead, you are... well,
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dead... Nothing good will happen to you, in fact NOTHING at all will
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happen to you; or, if it does, you won't know about it. You are just
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buried in the ground to rot, and become food for various creatures. Not
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a fun thing to have happen to you. So, my advice is just to learn to
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deal with the suckiness of life, and hope you have a high UEF...
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Is There Anything That Doesn't Suck?
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^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
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Not too damn much... But, there are a few things in this life
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which actually are good. Among them are: Internet, computers, and
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Quartzers/Prismers/Sunseters... Now, I'm sure many of you have had bad
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and Sucky experiences with some of the above, but those things are not
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the cause of the Suckiness, but rather it is just life's Suckiness which
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is causing them to malfuntion. (Note: There are exceptions to this rule.
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Among those exceptions are Macintoshes, Toilet Bowl, and Bert.) But,
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there is little else in life that doesn't suck...
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Conclusion
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^^^^^^^^^^
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Ok, you are most likely saying to yourself, "What a whining
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imbecile. Big deal; what is he trying to prove?" Well, nothing, really.
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I just wanted to bitch a little bit, and let the masses know how much
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life really does suck. Try to wake up the ignorant and/or blind and/or
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braindead optimists (I hear rumors that some of these still exist; it's
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sad, really). Life is not a fun experience, and should be avoided if at
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all possible. However, if you are reading this, you are most likely
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already alive, and so Life is the lesser of two evils in that case. My
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only suggestion for dealing with Life is to go completely crazy every now
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and then, whether you need to or not. This helps immensely, and can
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prevent a complete, total, and permanent loss of sanity at a later date.
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Other than that, just shut up and deal with it... And, always know that
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no matter how bad your life is, at least you aren't me...
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----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Appendix
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========
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Hepzibah's Sewer Rat Doctrines
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^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
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I owe much of my philosophy to Hep's Sewer Rat Doctrines, and
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so I include them here for the reader's enjoyment and enlightenment...
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++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Begin Quoted Text +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
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Thu Oct 22 21:54:07 1992 from Hepzibah
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well. as some of you know, I am renowned through the internet for my way with
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words. (not spelling them, but for linking them in a charming intelligent
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manner)
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many of you may have seen the evolution of "...sucks dead sewer rats"
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(c) Hepzibah 1991,1992. FreeWords with proper acknowledgement. into a more
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complex phrasing such as todays version:
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"it sucks wild wet siberian sewer rats with amex cards."
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What follows is a brief group of adjectives that could be used in place of the
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various adjectives (and adjectival phrases), or in conjunction with the ones
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above. The more adjectives the greater the sucking.
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red headed poodle-skirt wearing Elvis-impersonating Vegetarian
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Toga-clad self-confident Pocket Protector wearing
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Hep-Quoting Rumabing Glove-keeping Big-footed
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black-toed cross-dressing golden-locked Monarchist
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gaudy angst-ridden postage pre-paid evildoing
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delusional deathly ill jingoistic Orthodox
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Reaganesque lithe marxist Merovingian
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---
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from Amherst from Hell in spandex with PhDs
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in Operas like nobody's business fourfold on Mars
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---
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there are of course many more, but you get the idea
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BLATANT PLUG: Use em! Use em! They are GUARENTEED to get people talking
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about YOU. Papers! Theses! Exams! In Class! To your Parents! To my parents!
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In a store! In the paper! On-line! To your friends! To your enemies!
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+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ End Quoted Text +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
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Simply amazing, isn't it? Is it any wonder why Hepzibah was
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voted Best Internet TeleCommunications Historian, as well as Magnanimous
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Enlightened Above Normal Internet Educator, and Internet's Amazing Most
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Dauntingly Erudite and Adept Demigod (narrowly beating the only other
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nominee: Harriet)? ;-)
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I hope you have enjoyed this book, and will send me tons of
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money, and that a beautiful naked woman covered with... *ahem* Nevermind
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that... Always remember: Life Sucks!
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||======================================================================||
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|| Robert A. Seace || Senior at UNH || E-mail: ras@kepler.unh.edu ||
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|| AKA: Agrajag || CS major || ||
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||======================================================================||
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"No, no, Marvin, that's just fine, really...just part of life." "Life, don't
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talk to me about life." - The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
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