textfiles/food/dining.out

 * From THE MONTHLY MAGAZINE OF FOOD & WINE: Article by George Lang *
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                   YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN TROUBLE IF...

                When you're dining out and you suspect
              something's wrong, you're probably right.

I remember listening to the late Mary Margaret McBride's radio show in
the fifties  when  a big-game  hunter  recounted one  of  his  African
exploits: "This huge  elephant was fighting  with a man-eating  tiger.
Suddenly they noticed me and turned against me. I pulled the  trigger;
the barrel was  empty; the tree  was giving  way under me;  I heard  a
poison arrow whizzing by ... and ..."
	McBride interrupted sweetly: "By  then you must have  realized
you were in trouble!"
	During my restaurant-going experience, I have often remembered
her words when something made me realize that I was indeed in trouble.
Here is a list of some  observations that may amuse you and,  perhaps,
help you to avoid a fate worse than yesterday's champagne.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE IN TROUBLE IF:

	* You  see,  proudly posted  outside  the restaurant,  a  1959
review from  a defunct  newspaper and  an award  from an  organization
you've never heard of. That's a  clue to what awaits beyond the  door.
Don't go in.

	* The menu includes  a tricky table  d'hote format that  lists
only soup and a stew with a fancy name or a casserole names after  one
of the less fortunate queens, while all the most tempting  appetizers,
main courses, and desserts cost extra. Try your luck elsewhere.

	* You  find  yourself  in  a  room  surrounded  by  red  plush
banquettes and reproductions  of famous  paintings in  Bronx-Byzantine
gold frames. According to one  contemporary theory, if the  restaurant
is elaborately decorated the food will be an afterthought. This may be
an exaggeration,  but a  phony approach  to decor  can have  a  direct
relation to the food served. A mentality that would use scores of fake
Tiffany lamps, gas-jet fireplaces,  imitation electric candles, and  a
nightmare of jumbled styles is also likely to offer "Filet Mignon a la
Napoleon Topped with Handpicked,  Imported Crabmeat, Fois Grass  [sic]
with Costly  Truffles  Glazed  with Whipped  Hollandaise  and  Candied
Fruits, Surrounded by Parmesan-Dipped Potato Skins."

	*The man who appears to be the manager or maitre d' is sitting
at a table, acting  like a guest and  clearly letting nothing  disturb
his felicities. Beware --  he is as  useful as a  singing dog who  has
lost his voice. A  good professional "covers" the  room and makes  you
feel that while he is there everything will be just fine.

	* A female server  approaches the table  wearing a flimsy  top
with a  daring decolletage  and  studiously bends  down to  take  your
cocktail order. My guess is that it would be a mistake to expect  more
than an anatomyu lesson  from this dining  experience. The same  holds
for waiters  and busboys  dressed like  road-company Shubert  operetta
characters. A slovenly way of dressing usually goes hand in hand  with
an unpleasant service manner. An unshaven, gum-chewing waiter, with  a
menu folded in his pocket and a pencil behind his ear, will invariably
give you a hard time.

	* After much suspense, a  menu is ceremoniously presented  and
you're faced with a flat monster of a Japanese screen, listing as many
items as the  classified section of  the Sunday New  York Times.  With
growing uneasiness,  you notice  that the  simplest dish  is  crayfish
brains poached in myrtle vinegar, stuffed with puree of cola nuts  and
decorated with kiwi  fruit. The awful  truth should hit  you then:  to
survive the meal you'll need the ingenuity of a used-car salesman.

	* The captain's description of the "Pate' du Mer Alphonse XII"
is "someting like a meat load but with fish in it." You should get the
feeling you are in a  pickle. My advice is  to stick to simple,  basic
dishes. After all, what can they  do to broiled sole besides  overcook
it, put paprika on it, add too much salt, and serve it cold?

	* You're offered a  wine list that is  so recherche' that  the
Cabernet Sauvignon comes from  the state of  Nevada and the  sparkling
wine was produced  in the southern  Philippines. This is  the time  to
order a carafe of the house  wine, or, if suitable for your  selection
of dishes,  switch to  beer. And  when the  sommelier offers  you  the
Chateau Margaux 1955 in  such a manner  that you can't  get out of  it
gracefully even though the price approaches that of a famous painting,
you'll know  that  you are  in  deep water.   If  you ever  manage  to
extricate yourself from this  spot, my advice is  to order the  SECOND
least expensive wine from the  list, adjusting to the  match-the-color
game (Green Hungarian with spinach souffle'?)


A FEW PEARLS OF RESTAURANT WISDOM:

	* Restaurants are popular because they supposedly combine  the
maximum of comfort with  a minimum of effort  on the customer's  part.
When this maxim no longer works, it's time to learn cooking.

	* The three biggest  dining lies: "I  don't really care  about
the food," "My secretary  didn't mention the  reservation was for  me,
that's why we're seated next to the kitchen," "I usually go to  Lutece
for lunch, but ..."

	* Friends come and go, but bad waiters stay.

	* When you  need a waiter,  the distance between  you and  him
will be limited only by the dimensions of the restaurant.

	* An optimist is a person who goes to a "landmark"  restaurant
expecting good food.

	* The perfect meal is the one  that you had five years ago  in
the same restaurant.


ACCORDING TO LANG'S LAW, BEWARE IF:

	* The pepper mill is huge and the wine glasses are tiny.

	* A seafood restaurant lists thirty-eight kinds of fish on the
menu and the  waiter tells you  they have  them all and  they are  all
fresh.

	* A restaurant boasts of anything "Wellington" or "Oscar".

	* In a steak house the menu lists a bunch of fancy Continental
dishes.

	* In a  Chinese restaurant the  first things they  put on  the
table are packaged duck  sauce, mustard, and soup  noodles, or if  the
menu lists five different Chinese regional cuisines.

	*  A   tour-group   bus   is   waiting   in   front   of   the
seventeent-century Mexican hacienda-turned-restaurant.


Finally, when  it's too  late  to escape  the charging  elephant,  the
man-eating tiger, the poison arrow, or the captain who is handing  you
the bill artfully hidden in a sixteenth-century jewel-encrusted codex,
you should prepare yourself. When you  open the clasp and look at  the
bottom line of the bill, you will positively, unquestionably  realize,
in the words of the  late First Lady of Radio,  that you are truly  in
trouble.

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         Reprinted from The Monthly Magazine of Food & Wine.
                        (C) 1981 George Lang.