99 lines
4.1 KiB
Plaintext
99 lines
4.1 KiB
Plaintext
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: The Swillers Guide to Proper Partying :
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: (Swillers Elite Bible: Chapter I) :
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The Power of Positive Drinking
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from start to finish
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(When you tip the first beer until you hit the floor)
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Written by -=> * Atomic Punk * <=-
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inspiration provided by many parties
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The Opening: The Cranial Can Opener
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1. Hero contemplates beer. Develops zenlike concentration.
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2. Tensing forehead, hero rams beer into frontal lobe at 40 mph. Pop-top
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pops!
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Basic Artillery - Gunning, Shooting, or Torpedoing
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1. Artillery master prepares beer by puncturing bottom with a screwdriver or
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similar device.
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2. Placing mouth on hole, he sucks air out, creating a vacuum chamber.
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Tilting head back, he firmly grasps pop-top and opens throat.
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3. Using a brisk motion hepops top, and beer jets down his throat at
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approximately 28 mph.
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4. Exactly 1.7 seconds later, our plucky swiller displays the empty can as
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proof to nonbelievers.
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Putting Technology to Work: Our Friend the Beer Bong
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1. Master bongsman bravely sticks a funnel in his mouth, blocking the end of
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with his tongue, then fills the "reservoir" (funnel) with beer.
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2. Bongee becomes bonger by bonging himself by raising the "mountain lake"
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skyward, then releasing te "tongue cork," allowing the malt waterfall to
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shoot bellyward.
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A Chug in Time Saves Nine
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1. The Megachug: Overcoming the limitations of he one-beer/ one-chug is made
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easy for our megachugger by the ready availability of large flower vases,
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small garbage cans, and other Herculean containers.
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2. Look Ma, no hands! Our frisky "chugging machine" skips the forelay. Just
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tilting his head back, opening his mouth (wide), and inserting the beer, he
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lets gravity do the rest.
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The Finale: Destroying the Evidence
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1. Our hero has a lot on his mind - how to hide the case of beer he ust drank
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from the police that just walked in.
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2. Putting his brain to work, he indents the sides of the can to facilitate
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squashing and then, using the basic "ramming home a point" technique,
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flattens can and head.
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The Encore: The Final Bite
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1. Our swiller returns for the climax of climaxes. He holds the beer in his
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hand and prays for his teeth.
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2. Having viciously chomped into a can of dreams, the hero displays his beer
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bite (in mouth) and the violated chamber. The applause is overwhelming, as
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are the orthodotia bills.
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The Second Encore: A Little Fancy Footwork
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1. To the roar of the crowd, our hero deftly places his foot (and all his
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weight) exactly on top of the can.
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2. Maintaining foot pressure, he quickly strikes both ides simultaneously
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using zen "beetle picer" attack, swiftly pulling fingers back.
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3. The crowd leaps into standing ovation as Budweiser Barishnikov bws out.
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Thus concludes chapter 1 of 'The Swiller's Elite Bible'. Look for other
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chapters to be released shortly!
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Bible composed by -=> * Atomic Punk * <=- of The Swiller's Elite
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<*> MoDiFiEd FoR tHe ApPlE cOmPuTeR bY pRoFeSsOr PiXeL <*>
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Call these GREAT lines:
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Panther Board/Ae ..... (805) 252-8488
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Cursor Connection Catfur/Bbs ..... (907) 561-3002
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The Red Square Bbs ..... (907) 562-6962
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The Vulcan Logic Catfur/Bbs ..... (907) 561-0656
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The Vault Catfur/Bbs ..... (907) 753-8113
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The China-Town Catfur/Bbs ..... (514) 487-0322
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+:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::+
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