145 lines
5.1 KiB
Plaintext
145 lines
5.1 KiB
Plaintext
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So, you WANNABE A SYSOP?
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Version 1.3
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First of all, you have to work on the type of person you are. You have
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to be at least thirty years old and act, at most, half your age. You also
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need to have the idea that other people will believe almost anything
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you say just because you are a sysop OR president of a user's group. You
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must be able to tell people what they want to hear even if it isn't true.
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Although it has nothing to do with being a sysop, it sometimes helps to
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have been nominated for am Emmy at least once. When possible, avoid
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shaving or any other form of personal hygiene - and don't worry, you're
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never too fat.
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The second step is your system itself. You'll need to build up your
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system around a central theme. Since you will be a jerk and you have no
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mind of your own, try to find a board with a good theme like the PERN BBS
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and copy that theme. Next, to run the world's greatest BBS, you need to
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have the best computer system around. After you have that, you'll have the
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most popular board in existence. Here's the minimum system requirements
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you need to have for the world's greatest BBS:
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Hardware
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--------
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1] Have at least a thirty-two bit Atari computer running at 15 Mhz.
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(Which you made yourself out of ST spare parts. It's not really
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yours, it belongs to the company you do janitorial work for, but
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that's not important right now.)
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2] 1 Gigabyte of RAM
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(Installed by yourself and requiring at least 3 separate
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attempts to get it working correctly. Don't be ashamed, just
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find another person who is interested in an upgrade, give him
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the wrong instructions, then use him as a scapegoat so nobody will
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know YOU made the mistakes.)
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3] Hughes 19,200 baud modem
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(Given to you by your company so you can satisfy one of their
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critical needs. In other words, probably stolen! Actually, it's
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only 300 baud when calling in, but when you log on locally it's
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19,200 baud - just don't tell your users that.)
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4] 800 Gigabyte Fujitsu Hard Disk
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(You don't really need one - just tell your users that the Hard Disk
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is in the mail and will arrive tomorrow which is something you
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have been telling them since last year.)
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5] Digital Equipment Corporation
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16 page per minute laser printer.
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Software
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--------
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1) Bulletproof BBS program
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(SuperBug 2.5 which you in turn gave to another sysop who had his
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before you did, and without the bugs!)
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2) MyDos 11.5q
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(Which supports the 800 Gigabyte Fujitsu and allows a 100000000000
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sector RAMdisk. Never mind that your copy has bugs when formatting.
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Give copies to your users anyway, just tell them that it'll work when
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they format the disk the second time.)
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Board Status
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------------
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A] Number of users: 1300
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(With at least 95% of these not being used in at least a year, and
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4% being bogus accounts of your own.)
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B] Number of calls: 87,000
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(This is the number that you should inflate when you want to tell
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other sysops how well your system is doing. Most of these calls are
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made by the sysop. Raise it in 100 caller intervals. Also, never show
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your printer's call log to the other sysops who don't believe you as
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they would find out you were cheating!)
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C] People in users group group: 2,500
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(This number is, of course, raised to appear that the club is doing
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great, even though many users were scared away by the first meeting
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and the user's group is no longer in your control.)
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If you want a good laugh, pack all of your user's group members into
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an area smaller than a Volkswagen Bus, then feed them junk food and weak
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punch. This will almost certainly motivate them into finding a decent
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place for the group to meet, as you are much too lazy to do it yourself.
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D] Number of sub-boards: 130
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(The trick here is to have only 300 DD sectors for the message base and
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allow only 2-3 messages in each section. Another trick is to have
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only 4 subs and claim the others are for special users.)
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E] Private subs for: FBI, CIA, KGB,
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PLO, IOU, UPS,
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AFL, CIO, CBS,
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NBC, ABC, PBS,
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FOX, and NPR.
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Once you have a board that meets these requirements, you can sit back
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and enjoy all the money you'll be making from your user's group. You will
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have enough money that you can spend it unnecessarily on meeting places
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for the group and also use it for your own needs, such as household bills,
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which are only 1 year behind payment. Don't worry if your voice line gets
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disconnected; just live without it and use your BBS line for the time being.
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It's okay for the hospital to call you to tell you a close relative is in
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the intensive care unit and all they get is a high-pitched scream, because
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the BBS users will worship you for being so faithful to them and the great
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image your BBS gives you is more important. People all over the world will
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respect you because you run such a spectacular BBS, and you'll be very
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popular in the computer community, eventually being promoted to bag-boy.
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By: The NOID!
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The Hevmedler!
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Mr. I/O!
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Courtesy of White Knight and Excalibur.
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