840 lines
48 KiB
Plaintext
840 lines
48 KiB
Plaintext
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______ _ _____
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/| \\ / \ // |\
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(( //| _____\\<=--=--=--=--= =--=--=--=--=>// ___ |\\ ))
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\\ ////| | \\ Written by: // / \ |\\\\ //
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//\\ // / | | \\ // / | \ \\ //\\
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(( ))< <<<| | >> The Trash Compactor << | |>>> >(( ))
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\\// \\ \ | | // \\ \ | / // \\//
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\\ \\\\| | // Documentary: The LoserUsers \\ \___/ |//// //
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)) \\| //<=--=--=--=--= =--=--=--=--=>\\ |// ((
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\|_____// \_/ \\_____|/
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Introduction:
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Inevitably, I'll be asked this question, so let me address it now. "Why did
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you write this file ?".
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The answer is simple. After being subjected to losers for 20 months of
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BBSing, it sometimes becomes difficult to cope with them. Much the same way
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these people becomes a matter of fact. Theres not much you can do to prevent
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it... So what do you do about them? You use them as a topic for generating
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humour, although of course they themselves generate quite alot of humour
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without any prompting whatsoever.
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This file is dedicated to the sysop who has sufferred many months of facing
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the reality of the cranial capacity of the average "Joe Public" out there, and
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is close to packing the whole thing in out of utter frustration.
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I want to stress that this is in essence a "war" between LoserUsers and
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sysops, and the sysops must not give in! It _is_ possible to defeat the
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LoserUser, and this file will hopefully help some poor soul out there who's
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sufferring from the LoserUser Blues... I may not be much of a psychiatrist, but
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I know what I've gone through and what has given me the strength to continue.
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Thus, what follows is a comprehensive "LoserUser Manual" if you will, touching
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on just about all the topics concerned with those mindless fools who log onto
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your system day and night. Sit back and relax folks, cause this could take
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awhile...!
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Heartfelt thanks go to:
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- The LoserUser who designed the credits at the top of this file.
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- LJS for inspiring me to write this.
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- Inspector Gadget without whom I'd have been unable to write this from an
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experienced point of view.
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- To the pre-pubescent Rodent who has supplied me with much humourous aspects
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on the average 15 yr old (actually, he's a decent guy and undeserving of the
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critique, but how can I resist?)
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- Several sysops around town who have shared experiences with me leading to a
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few examples of losers in this file.
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- All the LoserUsers of T.O., without which this file could never exist.
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* Disclaimer *
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This file contains no proper names, in order to protect their identity. Any
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names which in some way, shape or form, resemble real-life people is purely
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co-incidental. If this file is offensive to some, please be reminded that it
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is intended as a source of humour only, and no intention of direct criticism
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is intended. The author can in no way, shape or form, be held responsible
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for damages incurred, directly or indirectly, as a result of this file,
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whether they be physical, psychological or otherwise. Parental discretion is
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advised as the material that follows may be offensive to some.
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Part 1: The Types of LoserUsers.
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In the BBS community, you can usually fit losers into one of the below
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categories... More likely than not, the loser will fit into _several_ different
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categories simultaneously. A brief description of the categories follow:
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1) The BBS loser.
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This guy is your typical brainless loser. Most losers fall into this very
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general category.
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2) The "Leech".
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This is the guy who is obssessed with the acquisition of "wares". He will
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do anything in his power to increase his library. That usually includes
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sucking download areas dry, hence giving the term "leech".
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3) 64-Syndrome.
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This is a general disease suffered by some people in the community. While
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based around the Commodore 64, the disease also affects various other
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users, including Atari and Radio-Shack users. These people seem to have
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been somehow adversely affected by the nature of their computer
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(although that doesn't neccessarily mean that they would not have shown
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"loser" symptoms had they bought an Apple or IBM).
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More often than not, this disease is just a more precise manifestation of
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the first in the list, with the difference that they cannot comprehend
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some very simple and standard BBSing concepts.
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4) The "hacker".
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This is an unfortunate category, which really does the term "hacker" no
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justice, yet is the only appropriately technical term which I can think
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of. These people like to think of themselves as hackers, but a much
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better term is "pest". They incessantly try to crash BBS'es.
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5) The non-descrept user.
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These people aren't full-blooded losers, but generally, these are the
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people who log onto BBS'es and never post a single message; if it weren't
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for the userlog, one would find it hard to believe just how often they
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call and tie up the system.
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6) The Non-sysop.
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This is perhaps the most serious of the types of losers. These people,
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for one reason or another, decided that they wanted to become a "sysop"
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(I use that term loosely!). Not even the psychiatrists can figure these
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people out, but I will take my shot at it.
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All these types of users plague BBSes in their own way; some groups are more
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prevalent than others in various situations. It is very important that you note
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the various percentages of types of losers who frequent your individual system;
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based upon these facts, only THEN can you form a battle-plan.
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Part 2: The Traits of a Loser.
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We will take the groupings one by one, and discuss the signals prevalent
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within each category. There are many things that will give a loser away, and
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its virtually impossible to cover them all, however I will try...
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Type A: The BBS Loser
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The most important part of the general BBS loser is that he(she?!) has
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absolutely no brain whatsoever. This lack of grey matter expresses itself in
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many ways, and thus there are perhaps more examples of something that indicates
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a LoserUser in this category than any other. Unfortunately, the lack of a brain
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precludes these social outcasts from being able to understand (much less
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perform) many of the basics of BBSing.
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Firstly, these people cannot understand instructions. Now, perhaps you
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cannot quite grasp the severity of what this means! Think of all the places in
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a BBS where people are asked to follow rules, both explicitly and implicitly.
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a) Logging on for the first time, it is the norm for users to be subjected to
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some sort of a message which they cannot interrupt, outlining the "rules" of
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the BBS. Apparently, LoserUsers never read this message, and use their
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ignorance as a crutch when a sysop gets pissed off at their failure to
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comply with the regulations of the system.
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Sysop: What the hell is wrong with you, you moron? Didn't you read the
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RULES?! It says "No Aliases". Can you understand that, or are you
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saying that your name is REALLY "Psycho Clam"?
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Loser: Hello?
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Sysop: YES!! Can you read?
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Loser: Ya
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Sysop: What did the rules say about aliases?
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Loser: I dunno
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Sysop: Why not?
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Loser: I didnt see nothin on aliases
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Sysop: It says "NO ALIASES". Wouldn't you say that that means that you
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can't read?
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Loser: Well I didnt see it ok
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Sysop: Obviously. If you must, call back and log on again. This time try to
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read the rules.
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* Connection terminated *
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b) Losers seem to have EXTREME difficulty entering their phone numbers. How
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this is so difficult has always and continues to baffle me. Remember, don't
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let it bother you. Its all a part of the LoserUser scheme to drive us into
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the asylum THEY used to be in. Here's a classic example:
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BBS: Enter your phone number: A/C-###-####
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Loser: (hits return)
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BBS: Enter your phone number: A/C-###-####
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Loser: (hits return)
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BBS: Enter your phone number: A/C-###-####
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Loser: 000-0000
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BBS: Incorrect format
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Enter your phone number: A/C-###-####
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=--> Sysop interrupts...
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Sysop: Whats your problem? Do you know what a phone number is?
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Loser: Ya
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Sysop: Do you know what your phone number is?
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Loser: 545-6754
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Sysop: Ok, so enter it. And remember to enter your area code.
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BBS: =--> Chat ended
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Enter your phone number: A/C-###-####
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Loser: 545-6754
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BBS: Incorrect format
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Enter your phone number: A/C-###-####
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=--> Sysop interrupts...
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Sysop: Holy shit! Do you know what an "area code" is?
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Loser: Ya
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Sysop: So put in your area code! Now whats your phone number?
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Loser: 545-6754
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Sysop: With your AREA CODE!
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Loser: 416-545-6754
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BBS: =--> Chat ended
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Enter your phone number: A/C-###-####
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Loser: 545-6754
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* Connection terminated *
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c) Perhaps one of the most common displays of the inability to read comes in
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the posting of messages. How many times have you seen people try to end a
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message with "done", "/e", "/ex", "/es", ".s" when it clearly says that you
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should use "/s" to "send" the message? Even worse is the guy who after
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trying 2 or 3 of the above, just starts hitting <Return> until the message
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is full. These messages are hard to read as the text scrolls off the screen
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before you have a chance to read it all. But then again, being written by a
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loser, it's probably to your benefit that you couldn't read it.
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Then, of course, so often messages posted in a conference deal with some
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topic which plainly should be posted in some other conference. Again, these
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losers just don't seem to understand that the title of the conferences
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should somehow give them an idea of where to post something. Then, there's
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the loser who posts the same message on 3 different conferences, just to
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make sure all the losers read it (losers often aren't even aware that the
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other conferences exist, let alone what they're for).
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d) Now, invariably, sysops find themselves chatting with losers. This is
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perhaps the single most difficult and taxing chore of running a BBS. A solid
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loser can drive you to drink at the best of times, and force you into a
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state of temporary insanity at worst (to date, thank God, we still don't
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know of any sysops who committed suicide following a chat with a loser).
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Firstly, losers must be taught that it is "chat" protocol to leave a blank
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line between what they say, to indicate that they are finished saying
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whatever and are now waiting for a reply. Chatting with a loser is so boring
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and frustrating because of the speed he's typing at, without making the
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sysop decide whether or not the gumby has finished typing. Next,
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understanding a loser is sometimes a difficult chore. The loser seems to
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have his own vocabulary. Essentially, they use many words which are obvious
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misspellings of regularly used words. The only theory I've been able to come
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up with that accounts for this bizarre behaviour is that they do this to
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cover up the fact that they make spelling mistakes every 5 or 6 words, so
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this way you're never sure if he misspelled it, or whether its just another
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part of his regular "vocabulary". Remember that losers (based on the number
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of times they select the main menu as their command) have a hard time
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remembering the 20 or so options available to them on the BBS, let alone the
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English language. Chatting with one of these people is similar to talking
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with a caveman (or Arnold Schwartzenegger; only difference is that Arnie's
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smart... He carries a gun with him so no-one bothers him, and he never logs
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onto a BBS). What is really disturbing are situations where you heap sarcasm
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and criticism on a loser, and he doesn't even realize it! An example:
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Sysop: Good day. What did you want to ask me?
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Loser: Wow, are u the sysop?
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Sysop: No, I'm the zit on your face.
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Loser: Iv never talk to sysop be4. This is awesum!
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Sysop: Whatever. What do you want?
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Loser: How do i get more acces to the BBS?
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Sysop: If you contribute, call regularily, and prove yourself worthy of a
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higher access level, you'll get it.
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Loser: So what button do i push?
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Sysop: What?!
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Loser: How do i get acces?
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Sysop: You don't.
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Loser: Howcum?
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Sysop: Cause I said so.
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Loser: Ok. But like can i get more time on the BBS?
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Sysop: No.
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Loser: Oh. U r a k00l d00d thow cant i get to do more stuff?
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Sysop: No. Listen I have to split. Talk to you later.
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Type B: The Leech
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This is the newest victim of a highly contagious virus that is spreading
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throughout the land of micro-computing; I refer to it as "NWS" or "New-Wares
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Syndrome". You might wonder why I use the term "victim"; I must stress that it
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is a VIRUS. Many losers catch it, it might be the AIDS of computing. Again, you
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must be a loser in order to catch it, and once you've got it, it sort of dwells
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on you for awhile before eventually levelling off at a certain plateau and
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finally receding. This NWS cycle may last anywhere from one to six years,
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depending on the individual. Simply put, the virus affects the central nervous
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system of the brain, which results in some form of insanity when the person is
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faced with the possibility of obtaining new software for his computer. In the
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very early manifestation, the bulk of interest lies in games; later more
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advanced strains of the virus cause the person to place more interest in
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utility programs, some business application software, and other miscellaneous
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material. Perhaps one of the most heart-wrenching cases is the person, who in
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his crusade for new wares, decides to put up an AE or CatFur line in the hopes
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that it will bring new wares to him (these people have many things to learn
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about users and their willingness to upload!). NWS feeds on the ego/power trip
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of the individual who things he's a big "stud" whom everone (other LoserUsers)
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admires and looks up to. They will do almost ANYTHING to obtain that new ware.
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This includes sending literally tons of e-mail asking various other LoserUsers
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if they want to trade, and giving the their latest list of "tradeable"
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commodities. The funny thing is that very little ever comes of these messages,
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because the person who receives it merely sends back a list of his latest
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wares. More often than not, because they are on an ego-trip, they disdain
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trading with someone they don't know, because they firmly believe that they
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have more wares than the other person, and thus don't want to "give up" any of
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their "super-wares" to get something else. The net effect is that it wastes a
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whole pile of disk space and nothing else. Usually a post on the "wares"
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conference is as much a statement of position as it is a request for new wares.
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Of course, this person displays symptoms of NWS in other places besides just
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BBS systems. Generally they are highschool students (12-19 yrs old), and as
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such, the school they attend is the major source of their wares. They have no
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scruples, and will engage in radical tactics, such as stealing disks belonging
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to a rival ware-monger. The school is their showcase for new wares; they derive
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ultimate satisfaction from being the first person in the school to boot up a
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new ware; they claim (naturally) that the game (it's usually a game) is
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"totally, super-awesome, absolutely incredible, fucking amazing", etc. Rivals
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of course try to play down the significance of the ware, and just boot up their
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latest ware on the nearest possible computer and try to drag away some of the
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other guys audience. Contacts are meticulously made and kept; NWS sufferers
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seem to sacrifice their ego-trip for a select number of people, referred to as
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"contacts", who get them the majority of their new wares.
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An advanced "leech" will, if he has enough status, become a member (or,
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heaven forbid, even START) a user group. (Some people refer to them more
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accurately as "LoserGroups".) This group is usually truncated to a three-letter
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acronym for an equally useless long version of the name. These groups
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represents the ultimate plateau in the complete ware-monger. There is only one
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thing better than knowing "the coolest, most awesome dood from the states", and
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that is being part of "the coolest, most awesome usergroup" in town. The only
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good thing about the members who actively participate in these groups and
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widely publicize their participation (by signing all their messages, even
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e-mail, with the insignia of their awesome group; especially on software they
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have acquired, in an attempt to make people believe they "cracked" it, and also
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on any wares uploaded to AE/CatFur lines).
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Now, eventually, the people who suffer from NWS and have some amount of
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cranial capacity begin to transform. The first sign is the down-play of the
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significance of games. Instead, they turn to the art of placing their aliases
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on the various software packages that they own. After they have mastered this,
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and placed their name on a sufficiently great number of software packages, a
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very few people progress to the next stage of computer literacy. Some (gag)
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will actually begin to program (in BASIC of course). A fewer number still will
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become "crackers" and a very miniscule number will become machine language
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programmers, leaving only bad memories of the "ware-monger days". An
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unfortunate part of the NWS virus is that in some cases it directly leads to
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the sufferer becoming a "sysop". Of course telecommunications is an excellent
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method of acquiring new wares. Because of this, some develop the idea that if
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they set up a BBS or AE/CatFur line, that new wares will come to their front
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door. These systems are indeed to be avoided. Fortunately, this stage
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eventually wears off, and the system goes down, allowing intelligent people to
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heave sighs of relief.
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Type C: 64-Syndrome
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These are the users who have been misled by some salesman that they do
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indeed own a computer. They can be some of the worst losers you will encounter
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on a BBS because they are ignorant even though they don't think they are.
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Most C-64 users stick to C-64 BBS systems (thankfully), but those who
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venture from their own territory have a habit of terrorizing other systems...
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Now, before I get myself into really hot water, let me tell you that there are
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exceptions... Not ALL C-64 users are "losers" (Come on... Amongst those
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thousands of people, SURELY there must be at least one?!). There are a number
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of C-64 users who are ignorant, and freely admit it. Others just sit back and
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"observe" rather than participate (thus becoming another type of loser, the
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"nondescript user"), in some cases fortunately for the rest of us. Some are
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just out exploring and are in some awestruck state of mind that is consistant
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with a 10 year old getting an autograph from Mr. T. But it is the others that
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we must be concerned about; the C-64 owner who has been brainwashed to such a
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degree that one would think he's a KGB implant. These people seriously believe
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not only that they own a computer, but are proud of it and even worse are
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completely convinced that their computer is "the best".
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Firstly, there's been a rumour circulating that 95% of C-64 losers were
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previous residents of mental institutes. There is no truth to this. It is the
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direct fault of their upbringing, and thus the blame should lie completely with
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the parents (after all, if it weren't for them, we wouldn't have to put up with
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the slime...). It is a simple fact that most C-64's are bought by misinformed
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parents of 12 year olds, the victims of equally ignorant salesmen. The child,
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subjected to this machine in early stages of development seems to be vulnerable
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to some form of brain damage, especially in cases where the child was forced to
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justify and defend his machine against others.
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As these people mature, they seem intent on sticking to their opinion that
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their parents were right, and that they are the owners of an amazing machine.
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When you know of someone like this in your community, it is usually a pretty
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simple matter to merely avoid the nuisance, and not get into any "deep"
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discussions with him. However, when these people acquire "modems" for their 64,
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they are then lethal weapons. These scourge plague decent BBS systems, and is
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the singly most frustrating person for a sysop to deal with. Typical of their
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cranial capacity, it is easy to spot a 64 Syndrome sufferer; he's the guy who
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posts a message "APPIL SUCK SHIT" on the main conference. Why post it on the
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main conference when there's a "war" board set aside specifically for people
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like him? He doesn't even know that it exists! Remember that 95% of all C-64
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BBSes consist of one general conference which includes public messages and the
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closest they get to "e-mail" messages. Why, in perhaps the most classic case of
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ignorance with regards to multiple-conferencing, one bright C-64 user, when
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asked why he didn't post a message about a new BBS in the BBS board replies,
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"I don't know the number"... You don't get it, do you? I myself said "hunh?" a
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few times before I realized the truth of the situation and was sent onto the
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floor uttering peals of unbounded laughter... Why, this moron actually thought
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that you had to phone another number to be able to post on that "board". Holy
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shit, folks, think of the problems writing a quick-scan routine for a system
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like that would pose!
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Another excellent way of recognizing the C-64 user, is by analyzing what he
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types... And, no, I'm not referring to the fact that nothing he says makes any
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sense, but rather that he has never heard of "uppercase characters". Everything
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is typed in lowercase, and it's only the fact that most systems translate
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lowercase to uppercase that the guy manages to enter any actual commands. Be
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carefull though, because some lowercase-only users have everything appear in
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uppercase. The reason for this is that, naturally, they cannot grasp the idea
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of "configuring" the BBS to their capabilities and thus when it asks them if
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they have lowercase support, they just hit <CR> and it assigns the default of
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uppercase only.
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Here's another sure-fire way of identifying a user as a C-64 user...
|
|
Remember that on their BBSes, you post a public message by addressing a message
|
|
to "ALL". Well, if you spot someone in the e-mail section apparently trying to
|
|
send someone a letter, and then see:
|
|
BBS: Send mail (Y/N) ?
|
|
Loser: Y
|
|
BBS: Send to [First Name] ?
|
|
Loser: ALL
|
|
BBS: [ Last Name] ?
|
|
Loser: ALL
|
|
BBS: User: [ALL ALL] Confirm (Y/N) ?
|
|
Loser: Y
|
|
BBS: Post public messages in the conferencing system, you Commie Loser!
|
|
|
|
Also, some of these people do not understand that Apples are DIFFERENT from
|
|
C-64's... They seem to believe that they can download some Applesoft program,
|
|
or some Daltoned game and expect it to run on their machine.
|
|
|
|
There are no doubt some other signs of C-64 users that you will notice as
|
|
time goes by, but the preceeding are the most blatant examples, and as well as
|
|
being a pain to the system, can also be used for comic relief. More on that
|
|
later.
|
|
|
|
|
|
Type D: The "Hacker"
|
|
|
|
This is the idiot who tries incessantly to crash your BBS. These "hackers"
|
|
can attain several plateaus of achievement. There are several "classic" methods
|
|
of crashing BBSes, which these people seem to think might still work, and it is
|
|
through these that you can recognize this type of loser.
|
|
|
|
What follows is a list of commonly used techniques to try and crash a
|
|
system:
|
|
|
|
a) When the BBS asks for Usercode/Account #, the gumby will just start entering
|
|
a continuous stream of carriage returns... The BBS gets bored after awhile
|
|
and hangs up.
|
|
b) The fool will try to sign on as record #1 (Ie: Account of 1), and then try
|
|
to "hack" the password. A classic laugher is someone trying to use "M1PQ" or
|
|
another pswd that was one of very few possible under Net-Works. It's even
|
|
funnier when the system isn't even running on Net-Works...
|
|
c) The guy will log on as new, and try to use the name "SYSTEM OPERATOR" or
|
|
"SYSOP" or the name of the sysop.
|
|
d) Another technique is to log on with the name of the sysop, except to leave a
|
|
blank as the first character of the name.
|
|
e) Here's one thats a little more complex... They try to hang the system by
|
|
hitting Ctrl-S and then hanging up.
|
|
f) Or how about this one? The gumby calls, and as soon as it connects, he hangs
|
|
up and calls back as quickly as possible. He tries this over and over, until
|
|
he finally gives up.
|
|
g) Then, there's the infamous usage of 9E99 at various prompts...
|
|
h) How about the fool who tries to overload memory by entering the fullest
|
|
possible message over and over again?
|
|
i) For those systems that used the Micromodem or APL/SSM card, there was the
|
|
infamous Ctrl-Y feature...
|
|
|
|
Now, of course these are just a few of the many methods these people will
|
|
use to try and obtain access to the system. They'll try typing in various
|
|
different words and control characters at the password prompt, and the list
|
|
goes on and on.
|
|
|
|
These people have some sort of a brain disorder which leads them to believe
|
|
that they are "great", "awesome", etc... They couldn't possibly discover a new
|
|
way of crashing a particular system; they merely use information that they've
|
|
heard elsewhere. If people would only stop writing "How to" g-files, we'd have
|
|
alot less losers of this type. This is the same guy, who after reading a file
|
|
on "How to Build a Thermo-Nuclear Device", actually tries to build it. He gets
|
|
snagged when he gets to the "weapons-grade plutonium"; his daddy doesn't work
|
|
for a terrorist organization. He tries to substitute lead (he thinks the
|
|
graphite in pencils is lead) and catches shit from his folks for making a mess
|
|
of the house.
|
|
|
|
|
|
Type E: The Non-descrept user
|
|
|
|
If indeed there can be a "good" loser, this is him. It's hard to even notice
|
|
that he exists... The only time you become aware of all the non-descrept users
|
|
are occasions where you swear and curse and ask yourself, "Why does no-one ever
|
|
post any messages?". These people are the perfect example of a malignant
|
|
tumour. They are active users of the BBS; they regularily read the new material
|
|
on the system, but the sysop only realizes that they are there when he looks at
|
|
his log to find these names he's never heard of before. He comes in and sees
|
|
that so far he's had 35 calls today; he quick-scans and finds two new messages,
|
|
both of which were posted by his co-sysop.
|
|
|
|
Frankly, what the non-descrept user does is use up a record in the userfile
|
|
and tie up the system... that's all. These are the same people who will
|
|
graduate from highschool, or wherever, without having any idea of what they
|
|
want to do with their lives, and subsequently go on to be wealthy construction
|
|
workers.
|
|
|
|
|
|
Type F: The Non-Sysop
|
|
|
|
By far the most unfortunate classification of loser, and the type of guy who
|
|
gives BBSing and sysops a bad name. These people are solely responsible for
|
|
turning hundreds of people off BBSing...
|
|
|
|
But, by another token, this is the easiest person to spot, and the easiest
|
|
to ridicule. Now, first, lets try to establish how a Loser-sysop is "born"...
|
|
|
|
Most importantly, it seems that in almost ALL cases of the loser-sysop, that
|
|
these people were active BBS LoserUsers at the time at which they became
|
|
"sysops". Below are a typical series of events that leads to a loser wanting to
|
|
become a sysop, and how to "diagnose" that type of BBS Loser-sysop.
|
|
|
|
a) Joe is a type B loser; a "ware-monger". He, being obsessed with the
|
|
acquisition of new "warez", has come up with a brilliant new idea on how to
|
|
obtain them, and become recognized as a "stud" at the same time... He
|
|
decides to put up an AE and/or CatFur line. This way, other ware-mongers
|
|
like himself will call, and he (being a stud) forces them to give him some
|
|
new "amazing, totally awesome new ware" in order for them to log on (just to
|
|
discover that he's running on one or two 140K drives with nothing on them).
|
|
Typically, the person also labels his system "elite" in a flagrant attempt
|
|
to attract the larger names in ware-monging. Of course, these losers also
|
|
are forever in quest of having "the most AWESOME AE (and/or) CatFur line" in
|
|
the area, but this poses a problem... To be able to meet the challenge of
|
|
this label, they cannot simply put up a system... it has to be unique, and
|
|
the only way to put up a unique system is to "do some mods". (Ahem...) This
|
|
can be translated as "making modifications to the system's program". But,
|
|
unfortunately for them, this requires "programming skills" of which they
|
|
have none. They then go on a search to find some well-known "ware-monger"
|
|
who will agree to do the "mods" for him.
|
|
|
|
This type of system is almost always down, as the loser-sysop is usually
|
|
using his computer (trading with some ware-monger, or ha... calling other
|
|
AE/CatFur lines). The system is also down for periods of time while the
|
|
ware-monger of the "sysop's" choice fouls up the program. One more excellent
|
|
way to spot this type of person is to look for BBSes that are forever saying
|
|
"We are down cuz the computers broke", or "We'll be down for 3 weeks 'til we
|
|
get these amazing new mods done!".
|
|
|
|
Another method of detecting this type of person is to examine the hardware
|
|
that the system runs on. If you spot a BBS/AE/CatFur that runs on two 140K
|
|
drives, well, thats the classic loser-sysop. (I mean, I've known two people
|
|
who've put up ...ahem... tried to put up a system on 1 drive, but atleast
|
|
they were intelligent enough to realize that they couldn't possibly keep it
|
|
up (let alone add AE) and gave up. But the person who firstly runs a BBS off
|
|
one drive and THEN also insists on running CatFur off the second drive...
|
|
Well...! My friend, you've just hit the jackpot; the loser-supreme... This
|
|
person should never have found his way into telecommunications, or computing
|
|
for that matter because obviously he neither has the ability to reason, nor
|
|
does he understand basic hardware concepts. Folks, these are the people upon
|
|
whom I heap the most scorn... One to three conferences, with never more than
|
|
five to ten messages per conference, an "elite" label (he doesn't have the
|
|
disk space for more than 20-40 users anyways), a system that gives you a
|
|
system error 4 times out of 10 when you either try to send mail or post a
|
|
message, and then, to top it all off, a useless ware on D2, sometimes one
|
|
side of a four-sided game (obviously the rest won't fit...). The hearty and
|
|
sadistic people (like me) have a field-day with these wimps... Now, in
|
|
keeping with my opening statement, I'm not going to mention names or systems
|
|
but I think that those of you who closely follow the Toronto BBS scene know
|
|
exactly where I take this information...
|
|
|
|
b) Herbert is your typical 12 year old proud owner of a Commodore 64, and has
|
|
seen how "awesome" modems are from the home of his best-friend. He instantly
|
|
sets his aim on putting up a BBS... After several months, he finally has
|
|
enough money to buy a "modem", and puts up his BBS. For several months, the
|
|
BBS serves its purpose; amongst his peers, he has risen to the level of a
|
|
true "stud". His being the sysop of a BBS gives him just about the same
|
|
status as having a 16 year old, well developed and gorgeous "chick".
|
|
However, problems arise... people have discovered a way to crash his system.
|
|
Every second day, someone crashes the system and erases the disk(s). If this
|
|
guy is fortunate (a 10% chance), he's heard of the term "backup", and he
|
|
spends 15 minutes to copy his disk, and again all is as it was before... But
|
|
another two days pass, and again his system has been crashed. After two
|
|
weeks of this, it's clear that something must be done. But how is his BBS
|
|
being crashed? Who would do such a thing? For what reason? Well... the last
|
|
question is simple... apparently, peers attach even more significance to
|
|
someone who crashes BBSes than people who run them, especially when the
|
|
sysop is a "wimp". The sysop tries in vain to find someone who will help
|
|
him, but is unsuccessfull.
|
|
|
|
c) Fred is 16 years old, lives in a 6 bedroom sub-mansion, complete with a
|
|
large outdoor pool, has two golfcarts (which are used to travel from one end
|
|
of the backyard to the other), and a $9000 alarm system that uses infrared
|
|
sensors and a pre-programmed robot to ward off racoons trying to overturn
|
|
their garbage bin. Having just turned 16, he has naturally persuaded his
|
|
parents, after a long 45 minute argument, to buy him a Ferrari. Then, on the
|
|
third floor, one of the unused bedrooms has been converted into the
|
|
"computer study". The 10'x18' room features three filing cabinets, all empty
|
|
but they give the room "atmosphere", as well as three large desks. On the
|
|
first is a "fully loaded" Apple system... A //e, complete with DuoDisk, RGB
|
|
monitor, ImageWriter, Thunderclock, a 1.5Mb RamWorks card, Syntauri music
|
|
system, and graphics tablet. Fortunately, he still has $6000 over his
|
|
parentally imposed $20000 minimum in his bank account, still has $300 left
|
|
from this months allowance, and Christmas is fast approaching... People at
|
|
his school have become bored of his farfetched tales of the things he's
|
|
accomplished with his computer. "So... U never busted inta Pentagon before
|
|
and got your uncles credit card number..." This puts him to thinking, and
|
|
before you can say "loser" (and I don't know about you, but it takes me
|
|
about 3/10ths of a second...) he's bought a Courier 2400 modem. With this
|
|
new-found toy, he proceeds to generate tales of his "hacking" prowess...
|
|
Soon he's progressed to tales of phreaking... Of course, he doesn't actually
|
|
know anything about either of the two subjects (he's the loser I talked
|
|
about earlier; you know, the guy who calls systems and tries to gain access
|
|
by typing in "BIG TITS" at the password prompt...). Soon he is bored of this
|
|
but wait! Santa Claus is coming next week, and his parents are in a
|
|
quandary. In years past, they were always able to take Fred to the local
|
|
shopping mall to see Santa and then find out what he'd asked for... Last
|
|
year he had gotten the 42" projection TV with a top-of-the-line VCR, and TV
|
|
camera/film-making system. The year before it had been the 400 Watts per
|
|
channel stereo system. But this year, the parents resorted to hiring a
|
|
private detective at $3000/day to discover what Fred wanted. Well, the
|
|
private eye had quite a task ahead of him... He walked up to Fred and asked
|
|
"Well son, what do you want for Christmas this year?", to which Fred
|
|
replies, "Tell mom I want a hard drive". And thus the deed is done... come
|
|
the morning of the 25th, under the tree is a large-sized package that could
|
|
only be one thing... "Wow! A Corvus 45Mb hard drive! Freak me out.
|
|
Amazing...!" December 26th, his BBS went up... Instantly gaining a
|
|
reputation from some of being the most "amazing" board around, it quickly
|
|
gained users. Fred quickly moved to find someone amongst his users who could
|
|
program, and quickly recruited him to make "mods" for the BBS, with the
|
|
promise of many great wares and being made a "co-sysop" in return. Thus
|
|
starts the transformation of a run-of-the-mill BBS program into something
|
|
that is laden with bugs. Now, unfortunately for Fred, the real programmers
|
|
out there don't fall for people like him, and thus the person who is now his
|
|
co-sysop is not only a loser, but fully incapable of anything but the
|
|
simplest programming changes (ie: print statements). The end result is a
|
|
sysop who believes that he is "an awesome dude", and has simply the best BBS
|
|
in the city, and goes out of his way to let everyone else know about it. He
|
|
usually persuades a few other people to phone every other system in the city
|
|
to post messages about his amazing system, telling people, "Hang up RIGHT
|
|
NOW!!! And call this AMAZING new BBS!!!". The system ends up with 50 to 100
|
|
(or more?!) conferences, of which 80% have never even been logged to, much
|
|
less had a message posted there. The system has some 30-50 volumes available
|
|
for an AE up/download system, and another 30 volumes for "g-files". The
|
|
sysop is arrogant, validates users once a month, will validate anyone who
|
|
doesn't leave a name of "Brian Mulrooney" and immediately sends mail to
|
|
anyone who logs on with a female name (these are the only users ever "voice"
|
|
validated... The system is regularily down, as Fred's inept programmer
|
|
attempts to make yet another "awesome mod".
|
|
|
|
The only thing to be relieved about is that a system such as this attracts
|
|
losers as shit attracts flies. During times when the BBS is up, it acts as a
|
|
drawing card for losers, and leaves one less loser to call the other systems
|
|
in the area. But, of course, these things cannot go on forever... eventually
|
|
Fred will get bored, just as he did with his remote-controlled missile
|
|
carrying chopper two years ago... The system will eventually die, but in the
|
|
meantime, it augments the BBS society by being a loser-trap; I only feel
|
|
sorry for the poor sod who calls, thinking that he will find a decent BBS
|
|
with intelligent users and much information... He is about to be subjected
|
|
to the loser-sysop.
|
|
|
|
There are, of course, many other types of loser-sysops, none of which deserve
|
|
lengthy mention here... There is, naturally, the sysop who is incapable of
|
|
spelling three consecutive words correctly, the sysop who has no idea of what
|
|
grammar or punctuation is used for, the sysop who sets up a system at
|
|
completely odd hours (Tuesdays and Thursdays 4pm - 8pm, and Fridays 6pm - 11pm)
|
|
and where, when the BBS is up, every time a call comes in its a race between
|
|
the sister and the modem to see who answers it first... Then there's the
|
|
classic sysop who runs an unmodified program such as NetWorks, Nexus, TeleCat
|
|
or GBBS. Theres the sysop who is seemingly never there; he never is around to
|
|
chat, deletes his mail without replying, doesn't delete old messages, never
|
|
changes log-on messages, g-files, news files, and other dust-gathering files on
|
|
his disk, and doesn't even notice that his disk has been full for the last
|
|
week. There's the sysop who takes his phone off the hook while using his
|
|
computer, so that people will think that its just "busy". Theres the sysop who
|
|
brags of getting 2400 baud, a hard drive and various other things. Theres the
|
|
sysop who forces his users to conform to his every wish, and the sysop who
|
|
cannot take constructive criticism. Theres the sysop who uses a fake name on
|
|
his own BBS which he uses to send hate mail to those he doesn't like.... And
|
|
there are others still; new breeds of the loser-sysop are being discovered
|
|
almost every day.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Part 3: How to deal with LoserUsers
|
|
|
|
Each type of loser must be dealt with differently. Of course, in some cases
|
|
you must take into account the personality of the individual in coming up with
|
|
a suitable course of action. Telling a loser "Fuck off, asshole" isn't
|
|
necessarily ALWAYS the best way; in fact, the key is not to show frustration.
|
|
In some cases, that show of frustration is exactly what they were after. (These
|
|
are the people for whom the term "asshole" is most appropriate, but life is
|
|
tough sometimes, and this is precisely the person you shouldn't call an
|
|
asshole... Just make him feel like an asshole.) Dealing with a loser can be
|
|
hilarious, it can be frustrating, or it can be tragic; it all depends on how
|
|
you approach things. So, hopefully what follows will give you a few pointers on
|
|
how to deal (and cope) with the various types of losers.
|
|
|
|
|
|
Type A: The BBS Loser
|
|
|
|
- Realize that the guy has no brain capacity whatsoever and lead him into a
|
|
contradiction of what he himself has said. Then conclude that he is a loser
|
|
and log him off. If he has an explanation, he'll be back, and he's NOT a
|
|
loser, he'll be understanding. If the guy then begins to bother you more
|
|
consistantly, delete him and announce your case to some other sysops. After
|
|
that, the only satisfaction (and laughs) you'll get out of the guy is to
|
|
relate your tales of his actions to other sysops. More than likely, you'll
|
|
find that you're not the only one who has been plagued by the slime.
|
|
- Unless you're sure that someone is "pretending" to not understand something,
|
|
be patient after awhile... After all, there are more and more people out
|
|
there buying modems every day. If the guy doesn't understand something thats
|
|
obvious, tell him once... If you have to tell him twice, tell him "Think of
|
|
this as a learning experience. This is how you use the BBS..." and then
|
|
promptly hang up on the guy. If you notice that this causes people to call
|
|
back, you'll find that leaving the phone off-hook for 10-15 mins afterwards
|
|
usually ensures that the next call won't be the same useless fool.
|
|
- If a guy can't read and is obviously of the age 12 or thereabouts, the best
|
|
thing to do is ignore the guy. If he posts a gay message, delete it. If you
|
|
heap sarcasm on him, he won't understand (he may actually think you are
|
|
complimenting him, and then think that you are a "cool dood"). If you just
|
|
call him names, he'll probably just start bothering you more. There is
|
|
absolutely no satisfaction in critisizing someone who can't understand the
|
|
critique, so leave him be; eventually he'll crawl back into the hole he
|
|
crawled out of... For a particular nauseating person, arrange "problems" with
|
|
his password from time to time.
|
|
- If some gumby uses a gay phone-number when he logs on, just log him off. This
|
|
includes the homosexuals who use numbers like 967-1111.
|
|
- Above all, if you have the chance, modify your BBS program so that every user
|
|
has a "loser" flag in his record, and further modify your program so that it
|
|
will always tell a loser that the sysop is not available. NEVER print a
|
|
message at log-on announcing that the sysop is available for these people.
|
|
Avoid flipping your lid after the shithead has tried to "C)hat" 10 times in a
|
|
row, being told each time that the sysop is not available... Flipping your
|
|
lid usually causes you to break into chat, which is what he wants and what
|
|
you're trying to avoid. If you're finding it hard to contain yourself, leave
|
|
the computer for 10-15 mins and do something else, like watching TV or some
|
|
other similarily useless activity.
|
|
|
|
|
|
Type B: The Leech
|
|
|
|
- The worst problem with these losers pops up if you run an AE/CatFur. The guy
|
|
will call every hour or two to see if there's something new on the
|
|
wares-line. The best way to combat this type of person is to limit the number
|
|
of times (say per week) that a user may go to the AE line, or even better,
|
|
impose a weekly time-limit.
|
|
- The only other problem you're likely to have is their constant posting of
|
|
"wares" messages, and the incredible amount of e-mail they send to fellow
|
|
ware-mongers. The best thing to do is delete the messages. 9 times out of 10
|
|
the guy won't even notice that his messages are missing and he never gets any
|
|
replies from his e-mail (he probably wouldn't anyways).
|
|
|
|
|
|
Type C: 64-Syndrome
|
|
|
|
- The easiest way of staying clear of this type of loser is to prejudice
|
|
yourself against all users of several computer types. However, there ARE
|
|
people (even C-64 owners) who are intelligent and worthy of your respect.
|
|
- The reccomended way of dealing with these losers is a technique called,
|
|
"identify and crucify". If a C-64 user hasn't started a "war", posted a
|
|
number of useless messages, etc, then leave him be. As soon as he does so,
|
|
you have an excuse to arrange an accident the the area of the disk that holds
|
|
his password.
|
|
|
|
|
|
Type D: The "hacker"
|
|
|
|
- These are the guys you just laugh at.... For guys who like logging on under a
|
|
sysop's name, breaking into chat and saying, "Hi loser. How's it going?" can
|
|
be usefull... Or perhaps "Have fun, loser"... Usually they hang up. If not,
|
|
it's probably a friend trying to be funny.
|
|
- If a guy is stupid enough to try hacking while in the BBS, and under his own
|
|
identity, well, he should receive your full scorn. Sarcasm and laughter are
|
|
your best weapons. Remember that a hacker is trying to be a "cool dude", and
|
|
laughing at him is a widely-accepted signal that you are a failure... And if
|
|
there's anything the hacker can't stand, it's being a failure (probably
|
|
because he has been a failure throughout his life).
|
|
- Whats particularily infuriating to the hacker are situations where he's been
|
|
kicked off a BBS, and calls back under another name and is almost instantly
|
|
chatted by the sysop saying... "So you're back again so soon eh? Treat some
|
|
other system to your presense you awesome dood..." and then remove him from
|
|
the system...
|
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- Perhaps the best weapon against these neanderthals is to pass along word of
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their activities to other sysops and users alike. It makes for a humourous
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conversation piece, and destroys any credibility the guy might have had left.
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Type E: The Non-descrept user
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- Here, it is best to be tolerant. Eventually, these people get bored and are
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never heard from again. After all, they never DO anything on the BBS except
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for look at the main menu, and maybe a quick-scan... In most cases, they'll
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call about 20 times and then fade off into the sunset.
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- Another method which has been tried here and there is to include a "posting
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regulation" in the rules of the BBS (ie: post 1 message/month or lose your
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password). Historically, this method doesn't do what it's intended to do,
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which is to scare people into posting messages. If it worked, in fact, the
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system could very well be inundated with useless messages from these people;
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if the person has nothing to say, but posts a message because he's
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essentially FORCED to do so, what are the chances it's going to be an
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intelligent message? Not very high... However, you can use such a rule to
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justify the deletion of people. In most cases the people will call, discover
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that their password doesn't work, and will never call again.
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Type F: The Non-Sysop
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- These losers are quite frequently also "hackers" and if this is found to be
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the case, you should treat him as such. In addition, critisizing his BBS can
|
|
also be useful.
|
|
- Usually, the problem with these people is that they are forever posting
|
|
stupid messages on every "BBS News" conference in town to call their
|
|
"amazing" BBS, etc... The best thing to do is to delete these messages
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whenever encountered. Most importantly, it is your responsibility as a sysop
|
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to be sure that these slime do not get access to special "sysop" conferences,
|
|
where it's not unual to find anecdotes of the losers stupidity.
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Summary:
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It is impossible to properly cover all aspects of the LoserUser; there are
|
|
so many different manifestations, you might as well make it your sole aim to
|
|
become the chief executive officer of Apple. However, there are a few points
|
|
which are helpful to remember when publicizing your BBS. Remember that losers
|
|
don't just appear; they are (as gross as this sounds) actually _attracted_ to
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|
your system.
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|
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a) Publicize your system only on mature systems. If you leave messages about
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your BBS on boards who are best known for their "war board", you can only
|
|
expect to gain losers as a result.
|
|
b) Do not have your number displayed in "prominent" magazines such as Computing
|
|
Now and Toronto Computes. Mention here usually brings you as many "losers"
|
|
as intelligent users, and more likely than not, the majority are losers.
|
|
c) Remember that the best publicity for a BBS is word-of-mouth. If your system
|
|
is good, people will find out about it.
|
|
d) It is a good idea to NOT allow new users to simply log on. Some techniques
|
|
include making them answer a questionaire, making them mail in requests for
|
|
a password, or just allowing them to leave their name and number and perhaps
|
|
a piece of feedback explaining who they are, etc. Allowing people to log on
|
|
as new and instantly have access to several features is just begging for
|
|
losers to log on.
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Well folks, thats about it. I've said my peace, but I don't rule out
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"sequals" to this file. I leave you with a parting shot... It is nearing
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Christmas, a time at which students everywhere are fairly bored... On the 25th,
|
|
a pile of people will be getting modems... That means more users (and losers)
|
|
for our BBSes. Also, it invariably means some new BBS systems will go up on
|
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Dec 26th... You know, all those "Freds" whose mommies bought 45Mb hard
|
|
drives... so be on the lookout for them.
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Trash Compactor
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Toronto 10Mb systems:
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Apple East 416-622-5519
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Forbidden Zone 416-222-3769
|
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Temple of Doom 416-698-7994
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(H)elp, (1-5), Bulletin List Command? |